To think my friend should have spoken to me first?....

[MeetmeinParis]

I'll try to cut this down as I have a tendency to ramble!. I have a good friend whom I met through DD, she is very opinionated and extremely confident in herself and her opinions, she has a tendency to dominate conversations with her opinion and it is difficult to challenge her on these opinions. That said, she is generally lovely and we get on well, I haven't seen much of her in the last 6 months as we dealt with illness and subsequent death of a close relative, she didnt make a huge effort to support me through this as she is always busy, volunteers for every pta activity, local group etc etc so in short, I haven't been as close with her as we were.
She messaged me last night to say that there had been some issues with my DD messaging her DS and that it had got nasty, stated that there were various issues with the class snapchat group and some nastiness (kids are just turned 10). She told me she had her DS phone and had replied to my DD herself. I saw the message on my DD phone this am and it was very to the point, please stop this etc etc and not threatening in any way but I am really angry that she did this rather than message me weeks ago (she says this is how long it's been going on) telling me there was an issue so that we could sort it out before now. I have told her I'm not happy at how it was done and feel as we are friends I would have preferred the chance to deal with this myself. For reference, my DD had asked her DS to be her boyfriend, when he said no, she persisted and then at one point called him a weirdo then said she hated him, nasty and will be dealt with but silly kids stuff really. AIBU in thinking she should have come to me rather than messaging my 10 YO?.
When I challenged her she said, "believe me this is not how Bob (the boys Dad) wanted to deal with this, I found that a bit threatening?. I need perspective!.....

Jesus
My daughter is 9 and a half and doesn't have a phone, social media (other than school things like times tables and espresso), and wouldn't dream of asking someone to be her boyfriend - let alone sending abusive messages when he said no!

These are primary school children. This is all kinds of fucked up

My ds's were 13 for Snapchat. Imo if you need to 'manage' friends and messages on her phone she is too young/ immature and you are damaging her mh shoving such responsibility her way so bloody young.

MeetmeinParis

"Just to clarify, she has openly said she didn't feel he wasnt being bullied by her and they are both a bad as each other (her words) and that there had been lots of kids messaging each other not just DD but why not bring this to my attention immediately rather than let it get to this stage?"

That's really not clear at all. I am assuming you mean your dd didn't think she was bullying him. But that doesn't mean she wasn't.

I expect your friend didn't bring it to your attention because she hoped it would stop without her having to intervene. That's my guess.

Please focus on your child here and not the friend.

Your're going to get loads more message on this thread OP so please do not take it all to heart. It's a difficult situation and now you know what has been happening you can act. Good luck.

I had an issue with DS (11) and the little Whats App group chat he has with his friends. One of the boys was mean to him and was trying to stir it. So as soon as he showed me I phoned the boys Mum to sort it out as I knew her. Bad mistake. She minimised and dismissed and said it was just her boys sense of humour. She and her DH blamed me for overreacting. And did fuck all. Their boy doesn't have many friends left.
I should've did what the other mother here did and reply myself to give the boy a fright. They make mistakes and they need to learn.
Shooting the messenger is stupid- you need to come down hard on your DD. You are already minimising it- silly kids stuff. Maybe its not silly to them. It's good for them to realise that what they write down can be read by anyone.

Why the fuck are 10 year old children on snap chat?!! Of course it’s going to cause issues, that’s why it’s not for 10 year olds!

When I was about 10 the class bully approached me and insulted my clothes again and she didn't know my mum was in ear shot.

She told her off ...loudly.

Go mum!

Sorry your dd deserves it.

And i would start teaching her about appropriate behaviour with the opposite sex before she is old enough to date.

It will be dire if she can't take no for an answer.

Her phone isn’t policed because you let her have Snapchat without learning about how it works. That you’re focusing on a mother sending a message to your DD that was, according to you, ‘very to the point, please stop this etc etc and not threatening in any way’ rather than addressing your parenting fail speaks volumes.

I’m trying to get you to see how serious this could potentially be. A child at my DD’s school tried to commit suicide over bullying over SM. It can so easily escalate if not addressed. Online grooming is also actually real too

The reason I am ‘laying into you’ is that you did not outline anything at all about dealing with your child or how seriously you are taking this - as you are angry at your friend

It is not ‘inappropriate’ for a 40 year old MOTHER to message a 10 year old on from her own child’s Snapchat.

1. The children shouldn’t have snapchat
2. If they do it should be policed (which you are NOT doing if you had no idea for ‘weeks’
3. She’s not a predator or attacker she’s a mother who your child knows, and she didn’t send her a horrible message just a cease and desist request.
4. Her husband did not threaten you. He was fucking angry with your child calling his son horrible names
5. Your child doesn’t seem to understand boundaries
6. You have failed to put in any effective methods of policing SM and your child’s friends mother had to do it for you

If your dd was a boy people would be saying sexual harassment

The mum isn't out of order to text your dd, she's done it as you're not policing her phone.

Delete Snapchat and explain to your dd that she's too immature for SM. It doesn't matter if everyone else is being argumentative too- you are responsible for your dd and her behaviour. There is a reason why SM isn't recommended for 10yo and Snapcharbis the worst as you can't read it later. Explain to your dd she can try another SM once she's in secondary but she needs to prove that she can behave respectfully so it won't be Snapchat.

Hey phone isn't being policed properly when you have no idea how an app works and you're allowing her an app with an age restriction on it (13). The fact that you seem pissed at another parent for taking appropriate action rather than dealing with the issue with your kid speaks volumes.

I've explained repeatedly why she has snap chat, I didnt know it was a messaging platform, I thought it was just filters on photos, her teen brother put it on for her. I've said, I should have been more educated on it, I've admitted it was wrong.
I have taken my eye off the ball as I was dealing with the death of my mum. I'm clearly in the wrong and i take it on the chin but please stop bashing me for her being on Snapchat, I get it now.
All the kids in her year have phones, she goes out locally with friends to the park or whatever, I need to know we can get in touch with each other, there are literally no kids in her class who dont have phones.
The boyfriend things what I.meant by silly kids stuff, they're obviously not actively dating at 10!

Maybe she felt she didnt need to bring this matter up with you earlier as she maybe assumed you were being a responsible parent by monitoring your child on social media and were already aware and were doing nothing about. Why the hell do a group of parents allow their 10yr old kids to have snap chat is beyond me! The majority of high school bullying happens because of social media and you have a group of primary school age parents encouraging social media with their children.have you any idea how hard you make teachers lives who try to sort bullying issues out but hands are tied because it is taking place online...they need parents to be supportive and discourage social media not encourage it

OP, I had a situation where my daughter was on the receiving end.

The other girl was a good girl, a nice girl, generally responsible and mature for her age, did well at school, that sort of thing.

She invited my daughter to 'go kill herself' in a whatsapp conversation.

I didn't go to the parents, or to the child. I went to the school. While, of course, I wanted my daughter not to be told such things on social media, what I was most concerned with, was that the other young person was very clearly educated as to what not to say on social media, and what the potential consequences were, because they can be very, very serious. I knew she didn't really mean what she said, and would be devastated if my daughter thought she did, or acted upon it. But she needed to learn that her actions could have far more serious consequences than she ever imagined.

They're generally very good kids, but they're playing with incredibly powerful toys that our generation sometimes has trouble keeping up with. Their ability to see round corners, and their impulse control, is still not caught up to what their social media powers are.

If you have your dd a phone with an app that you don't understand then your friend probably thinks that you're one of those parents who won't deal with this properly. I suspect she's right considering your minimising.

The husband may meant that he was considering going to the school or police.

I think it was maybe wrong to message your dd directly - but understandable. she has probably felt annoyed that her son is upset and reacted without thinking it throug h. I think she probably wanted the satisfaction of giving your dd a shock, a kind of “ha, this is ds’s mum - and I’ve caught you sending these nasty messages”!
Maybe she thought if she did that it would just put a stop to it and she wouldn’t have to get you involved. It’s very awkward when there’s a problem between your dc and the dc of a friend.
I wouldn’t be too angry with her- ask yourself honestly would you have done the same? And yes your dd needs punishment. Ideal excuse to take her phone off her (and don’t give it back until she’s in high school)

OP, I understand you wish she had come to you directly. I get that.

But she didn't and she has done what she has done.

Definitely focus on your DD.

Snapchat is frankly lethal in the hands on your children.
They type and type and have absolutely no idea of the power of nasty words.

Personally no child in this house gets it before 13. Having been thoroughly briefed in it.

It has caused a total shit show in one of my children's class amount a group of 11 years Olds.....lots of tears and upset .....and that was just the parents....🙄. Dangerous.

Deleting it is a super start.
They are just too young to absorb the power of it.

Wishing you well.💐

We all miss stuff and you had a very good reason to be distracted. I’m sorry for your loss. You’re caught up with it now and you’re dealing with it. You might not like how your friend dealt with this but she did still tell you and she didn’t go straight to the school as a lot of parents would have done.

So surely you just move forward now and learn from this. Stop debating over the appropriateness of your friend texting your child when you left your child unchecked and potentially exposed to actual predators on a stupid social media platform. Thank god all she got was a text from an adult you know.

Ok OP. You get it now. I'd hide the thread if I were you. It's going to get more and more heated as the day goes on and especially when the Friday evening glass of wine crowd get on Keep an eagle eye on all social media. Google any "harmless" apps she puts on her phone to see what other parents are saying about them. Keep an eye on her phone use in general.

NOW HIDE THE THREAD

I also agree it mainly sounds like silly kids stuff but it needs to be dealt with seriously so it doesn’t escalate into something worse.

MeetmeinParis I am really sorry to hear about the death of your mum.

If this thread becomes too much, please ask for it to be deleted. You can could say it could be outing, and it could.

People who join the thread will not necessarily read all your messages, or all the other messages here, some may even just read your opening post. People will come on and say the same things again and again. it is how AIBU works.

If you have gotten the advice you need from the thread please ask for it to be deleted. I am worried you will find it very upsetting and you would be focusing on the situation with your dd.

People will repeatedly come back to the fact your dd is on social media at 10, even if you did not know what was being put on your phone. And you do have my sympathy here because it is hard to stay tech savy with kids. Good luck.

I have a 10 year old. No way would she be allowed snapchat. And she has a phone, so I’m not very strict, but honestly, your child shouldn’t have access to SM which can’t be monitored

I don’t think she’s done anything wrong.

My children have seen parents reply to group messages when they were younger when the language gets out of hand or their child gets picked on.
My kids assumed that parents read the class group messages so they never talked in those groups. Maybe suggest that she does the same?