MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

[WrackspurtsAndNargles62442]

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

You don't need to compromise over cake. If guests don't like what is on offer they won't starve. She is being very rude.

More importantly it is indicative of a broader issue you are having with you MIL. Her son needs to remind her that it is not her day and that whilst you are grateful for her advice, the final decisions will be yours not hers.

Could she go all the way out and order one with several tiers? Imagine if her fruitcake is bigger than your cake.

Yes this is the hill I would die on, as this is something genuinely unreasonable, interfering and inappropriate. However - it's also something that can be used to make a very definite point without being a public spat.

So in fact it's the perfect opportunity to put your foot down with your DP - this is actually about him, not your MIL. He's already 'allowed' this? To go against what you want for your wedding without consulting you first? Then it's a big, fat, but very smiley and happy NO. Our life, our wedding, our choices. Get used to saying 'no, that's not up to you' to your mother right now, or there will be no happy ever after here. Yes I am going to dig my heels in. I will always dig my heels in. I will always have my line drawn where I want it to be drawn, because I want to get on with your mother and not end up falling out with her because you won't cut the apron strings. Our wedding. Our choices. Our business is always going to be our business not her business. The end.

@incognitomum pretty much. We didn't have ushers and wanted a "sit where you like" thing for the Ceremony. She disagreed so primed my nephew (who was only 13 and didn't really know any better) to seat everyone so a bride and groom side. She also told him to put family at the front and leave a row between them and our friends so the photos look daft as there's a couple of people on the front rows and then a gap and then everyone else crammed at the back.
These days, when she offers an opinion, she's very firmly put back in her box.

She is being very silly, my DD got married last year and I only gave an opinion if asked and I think that is the sensible thing to do. However, I'm not sure a fight about some fruit cake being available if people want it is the hill I'd want to die on, from either side. It doesn't have to be on display, the caterers can have it cut up and offer it to people who don't want chocolate, lemon drizzle or whatever.

I'm pretty sure you will be enjoying the day so much you won't even notice the cake. I hope so anyway so have a wonderful day.

the dense, dry, brick of cake

I know many people don't like fruit cake but it doesn't have to be a dry brick, not if it's made properly! Maybe this describes supermarket, factory made cake but we cut into the Christmas cake a couple of days ago, no-one wanted it at the time, and it's lush, lovely with ice-cream!

Are you having a cheese board? Chuck it on that!

I had a sponge 3 tier wedding cake, and a large tray (again sponge covered in the same colour icing, so noone knew it was any different from the tiered cake) it was made to supplement the number of portions. Many guests commented on how lovely the cake was, they loved the sponge. Noone apart from elderly people likes fruit cake. You could buy a fruit cake bar from m&a if you wanted to to supplement your sponge cake. But I dont see why you should, it's your wedding not mils?! Do what you want.

She’s struggling with anything she thinks is modern and not traditional, as though the wedding won’t be ‘proper’ without it. Just stop telling her everything she doesn't need to know and if she asks either be vague and say you’ve not really thought about it yet, or just be politely assertive and say ‘we’ve decided not to discuss anything non essential with people now. It’s causing too many problems inviting ten different opinions on everything and trying to keep everyone happy. It’s stressing me out.’

Unless a he’s paying for the cake specifically she is not entitled to comment on it. At least she can comment, but not expect to be listened to. Let her bring the stupid supermarket fruit cake in a cardboard box. So long as it is not on the table next to your official cake just let her get on with it. She’ll look like a loon trying to foist it onto people. Some people will choose it, most will just be a bit bewildered and ignore her.

Couldn't you have one of the layers as a fruit cake, and the others the flavours you want? That would seem to me to be a reasonable compromise.

But that aside, the real issue here is the relationship between your DP and his mother, as well as the future relationship between you and your MIL2B. He really does need to step up and continue to/increasingly stand up to her, and support you.

And I agree fruit cake shouldn’t be a dense dry brick unless it’s just a really shit cake. I love traditional fruit cake with marzipan. It’s the best. But it’s not my wedding so it matters not a jot what I think. Its true that lots of people don’t like it and it makes sense to pick something more popular.

"Noone apart from elderly people likes fruit cake."

I must tell my in their 20s kids that!

I like fruitcake at a wedding as I don't eat it often & it makes it more of an "event" I guess.

That said this elderly fruitcake liker wouldn't turn down spongecake or think it odd it being served at a wedding.

Tastes/fashions change.

Fruitcake with white icing used to be a status symbol.

Now anyone can buy it from a supermarket!

I'm not that old and I love fruitcake, as do my young DC!

Let her buy it and waste her money. Instruct caterers your chosen cake is going on top table, and fruit cake can be kept out the back in case anyone requests some. Chances are most will be more than happy with your chosen choice, and will only know there's fruit cake if MIL has informed them.

Totally agree, it's not giving in, it's keeping the peace. And is the genuinely mature thing to do.

Look, OP, the thing is that in NO WAY does 'giving in' on the fruitcake mean that's it, the door's slammer shut, you are then never allowed to push back against your MIL for the rest of your life. For those who are saying, effectively, 'give in on this now and you'll never have a leg to stand on with her again, she'll get the message you're a pushover and will then without any doubt ride absolutely roughshod over you for the rest of her life'... I just don't think that's true!

At ANY point in your future, be it over your future children, be it over where you choose to live, be it over the cake you choose to make for your husband's 40th - whatever matter, however massive or trivial - YOU CAN STILL PUSH BACK, EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T PUSH BACK OVER THE FRUITCAKE.

There's an argument for suggesting that if you DON'T push back over something relatively trivial (the fruitcake) you have EVEN MORE power to push back over something that really does matter (aka picking your battles).

And even if that isn't true, even if it categorically makes it harder to push back when she's got the sense you will just roll over - even if it's harder, it makes it IN NO WAY IMPOSSIBLE.

You can tell her, nicely or otherwise, to butt out at any time in the future. I promise you, you can.

I have a friend with exactly your type of well-meaning but bulldozing MIL and my friend gives way a huge amount - for a quiet life. One occasion recently, MIL pushed things too far (something to do with the kids) and my friend absolutely erupted (unlike her) and laid it on the line that she'd had enough. It has worked. Her MIL has got the message. It was only once, and after 8+ years of marriage, but it worked.

Not suggesting you need to wait this long. But if your MIL is as pushy as you say, there will very soon come another opportunity to push back against her, and it will probably be one that matters much more. You have in no way lost the slightest iota of legitimacy by letting her get her way now.

I love fruit cake!

But it's your wedding and you serve what you like.

If she wants it she can take it. Just humour her.

@Changeembrace why do you doubt that I will do that? I posted on here for advice and I plan to take some of it. Clearly there are very conflicting opinions on here so I can't take everyone's but I think sitting down and talking to MIL is a good idea. My point was is it over the top to instigate this based on cake choice, or would I be better to leave it in this case and save my energy for something more important.

Also whoever the poster was that called it 'tit for tat passive aggressive' can I just point out that MIL is the one that decided to bring a fruit cake along against our wishes and I haven't actually done anything about it yet!

@HepburnKNotA This actually makes a lot of sense, thank you. I will consider letting this one go (and having the cake hidden in the kitchen) and saving a serious conversation with MIL for when it really matters, although I will be careful not to let it get to exploding point.

But if your fiance is OK with it then it isn't "against our wishes" is it?

Tbh, I don't think there's anything wrong with her supplying a cake. I was quite disappointed that ds1 and dil chose sponge, i love fruit cake and it's not the same having sponge at a wedding.

You do need to stop including her, why was she at fairs with you, it's something you do with your partner not mil, unless of course she was paying.
It does sound like two against one with your partner and her though. he needs to step up and tell her to stop interfering, and no way should she be inviting people. You need to get him to do this now because otherwise you'll have a dh problem, not mil.

My MIL made the most beautiful fruit cake for our wedding. Marinated it in brandy for months and got her friend to professionally ice it. It was glorious and I was so happy. Poor MIL hates fruit cake herself. 🤣

OP where are you having your wedding? A “wedding venue” will be used to relatives (usually mums) who need to be handled. Your DP has agreed to MILTB getting a cake. Now, two options. Let her bring her own cake. It might end up being a £5 bar from Tesco or she might decide that as she’s doing it anyway she may as well get a proper cake and you’ll end up with a multi-tiered Royal iced extravaganza! Or, you can say you’ve had a think about it and as it’s so important to her then of course you will provide a fruitcake but you will provide it because you certainly don’t expect guests to provide their own food. You then allow her to have her cake (and eat it) but you have control over the cake and also your MILTB.

You then have a conversation with the venue and tell them ALL about Cakegate and explain that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES is a cake provided by MILTB/your fruitcake to be displayed no matter what anyone other than you tells them. The fruitcake can be cut up in the kitchen then brought out with your main cake and people can help themselves.

No matter how you deal with it, be prepared for MILTB trotting round your reception telling anyone in proximity about the lack of fruitcake and how it’s not normal/right/traditional. Either that or she’ll grab a plate of fruitcake and shove it under everyone’s nose to try and get them to eat it. It’s your wedding. Have the cake you want. If your DP is/was a mummy’s boy then she will be an interfering sort. Goes with the territory. Bet your DP has a wee bit of learned-helplessness! All those bemoaning how badly MILs are treated and hoping that their future DIL’s aren’t so unreasonable with them, if you don’t want to be treated like an a-hole, don’t be an a-hole! Respect other people’s boundaries. Your DIL is not a member of your family and may do things differently. Respect that. Don’t reorganise her cupboards or insist on what type of cake she has at her wedding!

Fruit cake is rank, YANBU

It’s your wedding though so say no to her bringing her own cake, it’s very rude.

We got married 10 years ago, we had a : tier cake made by a lady on a market stall. One layer chocolate, one lemon and one plain sponge, it was decorated with edible flowers and everyone commented how yummy it was when it was served in the late evening with tea and coffee.

Ban the rank cake OP

It is traditional to have fruitcake. Are your generation going to also do away with all the other traditions passed down through the generations.
Everyone quite happy to have what capitalist society says they should have though.

I was quite disappointed that ds1 and dil chose sponge, i love fruit cake and it's not the same having sponge at a wedding.

May all your problems be so small

They’re probably not really married if they didn’t have fruit cake. You should tell them.