MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

[WrackspurtsAndNargles62442]

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

We just added an extra tier to ours of fruit cake as grandparents wanted fruit cake. Really not a big deal

Sorry if it's already been suggested. We didn't have a fruit cake, we had multiple flavour that we all liked and our cake maker made a small fruit cake to please my mum and grandparents. It was all eaten.

Ok, so you say DP is ‘less’ of a mummy’s Boy now than before you had words about it, but is ge really or has he just been appeasing you until you’re married & don’t have the ‘leverage’ you have had.

It’s fruitcake now, except it’s not. It’s about her thinking she had the right to dictate what’s going to happen & DP will do as she says, over what you want.

You shouldn’t have to be having this conversation with him. It’s YOUR wedding, you two are going to be tasting/choosing the cake - what Mummy wants shouldn’t come into it, it’s not her wedding. What Mummy demands definitely shouldn’t be coming into it.

Every little thing might seem like ‘not the hill to die on’ but the longer you go on with her thinking she can say what’s going to happen the harder it will be to change her attitude.

If she has ASKED it would have been different, but she didn’t. She TOLD DP what she was going to do & he has allowed it.

She’s spoiling things for you, why let it continue?!

* @Changeembrace why do you doubt that I will do that? *

I continue to I’m afraid.

You’re really welcome Op and best of luck!!

I have an utter nightmare of a MIL myself (in very different ways, think utterly NON pushy but histrionic, narcissistic, emotionally manipulative) so I may be too blasé about how it feels to have a domineering MIL trying to DO THINGS THEIR WAY (implying that your way is wrong).

But you sound lovely and very sensible, and weddings do bring out the worst in some people. I hope you can enjoy the preparations but they are stressful at the best of times. Talking to your mil may help; either way you can keep your powder dry... x

I would go with what your OH has agreed, but make clear that the fruit cake will be in the kitchen and cut up, not on show

That’s what I did with MIL. She loves fruit cake, and tradition, and was really disappointed when we were having sponge only

So as a gesture to her I suggested we have a slab of fruit cake and cut it for guests who, like her, like fruit cake

It wasn’t a big drama, and certainly doesn’t mean she named our kids or rules the roost

There are hills to die on, hills to push back on and hills to just ignore like a bump in the road. This isn’t one to die on

Plus it’s good to have something that’s “hers” if she is the pushy type as gives you a good way of saying “No mil, I have compromised on fruit cake being served as that’s so important to you, but dress/chair covers/whatever is important to me so I’m not compromising”

Be kind, let her have a small fruit cake. It will mean a lot to her, and the grandparents that you have thought about them, rather than, the we dont like it, so not having it attitude. I personally love a piece of fruit cake

No, I don't agree with the idea that this 'keeps the peace'

The issue isn't cake. The issue is that she is continuing to push because she wants to have a say in what you do and be in your business. Right now your DP is giving in for an easier life. This is about control, and MIL testing and testing to see how much she is going to get away with and how much 'control' she will still have over 'her' son.

You have no plans to let MIL be the third person in your marriage, and so there are going to be a few dust-ups until the boundaries are firm.

The more stuff you let go to 'keep the peace' - the more she will push. Because it isn't about cake.

The best way to draw those boundaries is to always push back. Always. Until she learns that you know full well it ain't about cake, and you're giving her that message loud and clear - back off. Don't interfere.

The worst way to handle it is to give in over all the little pushes, 'keep the peace' - until suddenly it's about something big, and you NEED your DP to have your back... but because the peace has been kept for so long that he's really rather comfy on the fence and his mother thinks she has him in her pocket... he ISN'T there for you. And she ends up at the hospital looking at you 5 minutes after you've given birth despite your DH promising not to tell her...

Push back, every time, no matter how small, politely and in a low-key way, and you will make this much much easier in the long run (and probably end up having a better relationship with her).

It’s your day, your cake. But it is nice to provide variety for those who come along. My Mum made and iced our wedding cake, she was semi pro, so it was simply stunning. We had three tiers, traditional. Top tier was sponge, other two fruit. It all went. We had lots of other nice sponge cakes as well.

Cut to a recent birthday party, special cake, bought from a cake designer (wasn’t my BD, we were just guests) cake looked good, sponge, with fondant icing. But one taste was enough for us. Sponge dry and tasteless, too much icing and fondant icing isn’t known as plastic icing for nothing! It was a seriously expensive cake as well.

Just choose wisely, taste some samples before committing lots of money. And cater for all tastes, fruit cake is all about depth and moisture. Sponge cake needs to be interesting as well. Both need to be able to support the decor you choose. Hope you have a good day🙂

I think people are missing the point that this is just an example the OP has chosen to illustrate a more significant issue. It sounds like she is being expected to compromise again and again to keep her MIL happy.

Either you let her dictate every detail of the day or you chose somewhere to draw the line and push back. It's fine if you want to make that line cake OP!

* Be kind, let her have a small fruit cake. It will mean a lot to her, and the grandparents that you have thought about them, rather than, the we dont like it, so not having it attitude. I personally love a piece of fruit cake*

This. Be kind.

I have been to a few weddings where they had each layer of cake as something different, though unknown till it was cut as all decorated the same.

I do love fruit cake and sponge cake though sponge cake varies quite a bit in its quality. I did keep the top tier of my cake for a christening cake and had it re iced professionally. We still have a small Tupperware box with a chunk in. We joke that it will be eaten at whoever dies first funeral by the surviving spouse.

For heaven's sake, it's your wedding! Have the cake you want. Nosy old busybody should butt out, FFS!

In the defense of fruitcake (Christmas cake), my dd (19) adores it. It's her favourite cake.

I'd choose my own cake Adler her get on with it. As you say, most of your guests don't like fruitcake. So she's going to look daft.

You let this happen, and in a few years - sooner if you have babies - you will be posting on MN and being told "You don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem."

Your DH2B needs to tell his mum to back off. Now.

If you want some slices of fruitcake served or available at some point in the meal, go ahead. It would be as kind as, say, ensuring that there were slices of celebratory gluten-free cake available if you knew that you might have a coeliac guest coming. But there is absolutely no reason it should be on display or presented as an alternative wedding cake.

Though I'd rather eat fruitcake than sponge!

Is there something else you can think of that will drive her absolutely batshit? Like you and DH sharing a room the night before the wedding? Something you and DH feel strongly about and will both happily take a stand on, but that she will disagree on?

If there is, every-time she makes a fruit cake style suggestion/command, suddenly remember some detail about the big controversy that you want to talk about/ask her opinion on and start talking about it. It will completely drag her attention away from the other suggestion/command as she focusses on the ‘horror’ of the big issue.

It worked a treat with my DM who is wonderful but got slightly/overly caught up in the details of my wedding. My DH was in on the plan and DM spent months trying to convince us to not do X and it didnt leave her much scope for other worries

Is it just me who wants to go and make a fruit cake now?

Rather than, the we dont like it, so not having it attitude

But the OP has stated that the majority of their guests don't like it: "neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either".

They're not being selfish, they're trying to cater for the majority. Short of serving every individual guest their favourite type of cake I'm not really sure what more they should be doing to be considerate hosts. MIL can't expect every guest to have their whims pandered to.

Life is about give and take. By all means set out those boundaries and don't give an inch. Then, when there is a genuine issue, she'll be able to say that you are always unreasonable, and that you wouldn't even let her give a slice of fruit cake to the aged grandparents who were soooo looking forward to it. Yes, you can look at this as the start of a slippery slope. But you can also look at it as putting one in the bank to use for a later date. It may or may not be about control. It may be that she just wants to keep her elderly parents happy.

I wouldn't even humour her. It doesn't get added, simple as that. Fruit cake is god awful anyway, why would you want that just to keep a few people happy than a lovely chocolate cake?

If they can't handle having sponge cake instead, then no cake for them. Means more for you.

I love fruit cake. My husband doesn't. We had a four layer cake made by SIL as a wedding present. Bottom layer chocolate and salted caramel. Third fruit cake. Second raspberry and white chocolate and third mango. Bottom layer vanished on the day. As did half the fruit cake. We kept the other two layers and ate them for DH's birthday and Christmas that year.

No suggestion that we had to do any flavours for anyone!

I like the idea of keeping a cheap M&S cake in the kitchen and serving a slice of asked for. But not having it on the wedding cake table.

Is it just me who wants to go and make a fruit cake now?

Yes, it's just you. I want some sponge cake after I've finished eating this croissant.

Don't you dare give into her!! What's next?
'Oh the guests wont want salmon to eat, they want chicken Kiev so I will buy chicken kievs for everyone.'

It's not 1980! Have the cake you want

I don't like fruitcake but I always eat it at weddings. A small piece goes a long way (compared to a sponge) which is handy.
I assume the suggestion of a small tier of fruitcake has already been made. Or a small nicely iced cake for those who prefer.
If this is your biggest problem good luck to you.