MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

[WrackspurtsAndNargles62442]

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

It is not just your wedding - it is your fiancé’s wedding too and if he wants to let his mother have some fruitcake to serve on the side then I think you should respect that.

I think fruitcake is lovely! But buying your own one to bring to someone else's wedding is just batshit. Stop telling her anything about your wedding OP! Just wow.

People who think fruitcake is categorically "disgusting" have never had proper fruitcake. But English supermarket fruitcake is probably not a good representation, given that a takes a month to properly macerate the fruit.

That said - your wedding, your (and your fiance's) rules. If you do not want outside food, tell her that's the rule. If you're OK with outside food, let her bring whatever.

I love fruitcake. But I also love sponge (and don’t think that’s unusual).

And I don’t think I have any rights to tell other people what kind of cake to have at their wedding.

You need to stop including her in wedding shopping and you need to stop telling her stuff. It's never a one way street, if you tell her stuff, she will tell you things back. If you take her wedding shopping she won't be awkwardly quiet the whole time but will assume that her opinion is wanted,

Choose your battles, back her out of the important stuff like your dress, and give her a tiny piece. She sounds over excited about what a wedding should be. A soft conversation about the varied nature of how weddings are today. She will be sad that she is not to be a major player but thats life. Dont make a drama of it just quietly and kindly assertive

I get it. The cake is emblematic of her general overbearing and pushy behaviour.
I'd say 'It is our wedding and we are supplying the cake and everything else. Don't bring anything please.' But I don't care about things like keeping the peace.

I had this problem. But from my own mother who very kindly said she'd make our wedding cake. I asked that 2 on the 3 layers be sponge as I don't like fruit cake. She agreed and on my wedding day....3 tiers of fruit cake. So I didn't even get to try my own wedding cake. Thanks mum

So in my experience compromises don't work. Put your foot down.

I would be telling your DH that it is incredibly poor form for his mother to add a cake in to the wedding. Tell him if he wants to keep his mother happy then your Mum wants to come and stay for a month and sleep in your bedroom so he'll have to sleep in the spare room to keep YOUR Mum happy.

If he insists, then make the cake "disappear" on the day.

What you both should be saying to your MIL is "That's fine. At YOUR next wedding,you can give the guests fruitcake. But it's OUR wedding and we're not doing fruitcake.

@lebiscuit that's shocking. Is that usual behaviour?

It seems that too many people on this thread don't seem to understand that compromising is a good way to defuse situations.

I am old fashioned and think that if it is possible and easy to do catering for your guests makes you a good host.

On another wedding thread one poster was proud of the fact that she only served beer and spirits at her wedding as she didn't like wine! So the guests who liked wine had to go without.

Let her, she’ll look ridiculous in the process.

Good luck in your 3 way marriage. Hubby to be needs to get a backbone and tell her straight.

Some things are not worth fighting over - order the cake you want and if MIL wants to look daft bringing out fruit cake for some of the guests just smile and nod!!!!

I love fruit cake.

It seems that too many people on this thread don't seem to understand that compromising is a good way to defuse situations.

Compromise too much and you get walked all over. MIL had her chance to serve fruitcake at her wedding. This isn’t about her.

The guests are being served a beautiful cake. Catering to every individual preference is madness.

The OP has said that it's not about the fruitcake, it's that the overall interfering that is going on.

* Then sit down with her and talk to her like the two adult women you are and explain exactly that. Tit for tat passive aggressive spats over fruit cake are incredibly childish.*

Agreed. It’s what I would do, and indeed I suspect any one of my friends. However I doubt the OP will

Why are people talking about compromise here? It's cake. Firstly, and I speak as someone who is very overweight due to cake, no one needs to eat cake. Secondly, I assume that OP's mum is able to enjoy a slice of cake that is not fruitcake in her day to day existence - she just has it in her head that there "should" be fruitcake on the day. It's incredibly rude to show up the married couple by sticking a shop-bought cake next to the cake they've chosen and paid for to feed their guests on their wedding day.

If it's any consolation, OP, I would be judging your MIL like mad if I went to a wedding and the MIL had done this

I wouldn't worry about the second cake so long as it doesn't make an appearance on the table. I would however worry about your DH to be's attitude that it is easier to appease his mother and you have to put up with it...

OP, is there a relative who MIL might listen to who might be able to explain to her why this isn't very polite?

I mean... I won't say it would completely ruin the day but you know what, it would spoil it a bit if a guest turned down the wedding cake I had chosen and started offering the cake they'd brought with them to other guests instead. It's really mean.

I LOVE fruitcake but I know lots of people don't, and I also know that wedding cakes never cater to all tastes and are frequently half eaten or left. I went to a couple of weddings where the cakes were amazing, hugely expensive crafted things, and still people left some or all of their cake. So I didn't have one - I had lots of minis instead, including some fruitcake slices - gave people a choice.

In your case, if your MIL wants to have her fruitcake, I'd let her BUT with the several provisos that it is NOT going on the table with the other cake, it will ONLY be available to her and on request by other oldies, and it is the LAST time that you will bow to her ridiculous demands (this one to your DH-to-be) and there will be NO more appeasement of this calibre.

And then get the cake you want and ignore the stupid fruitcake, and any other demands she makes of you.

Yes. Her son is that relative.

'Mum. Back down or you won't be coming'

Op, if your fiance thinks that it's ok to also have fruitcake, then leave him to sort out how it's going to work.

I feel your pain.
I would be furious!! As I was with certain things with my wedding, I was angry with my MIL pushing what favours we should give & what we should serve at our evening buffet - by all means, yes, suggest things but dont force them. I remember disagreeing with her suggestion for the evening buffet as I wanted bacon rolls, sandwiches served etc. and she wanted stovies… I dont even like stovies and her then saying, 'give the guests what they want' - err no, I am not giving you what YOU want. However saying all of that, looking back now, I regret stressing over so much on the small stuff and how upset and angry I would get over certain things because on the day none of that mattered, all that mattered was me and my husband (cliché I know). I would let her buy her fruit cake but make sure it is kept in the kitchen hidden under strict instruction and only give to certain families members on request... as I wouldn't want that next to my lovely cake!

Good luck!