MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

[WrackspurtsAndNargles62442]

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

Fruitcake tastes like salted charity shop storeroom sweepings.

My MIL did this...
I had a cupcake wedding cake made by a friend (it was 10 years ago) and my MIL decided her and her side of the family would want fruit cake. So she brought an iced fruit cake from m&s. We put it on the cake table next to our cake but we didn't cut it- the venue did eventually and offered it as an alternative. No one ate it but her and my FIL but she put some away to keep as per tradition for the christening (which never happened) but It kept her happy and it we just ignored it

What harm is it causing? It's hard for mothers of sons just as it's hard for partners. Save your strength for bigger things imo

Let her take the fruitcake and give it to guests. She'll look like one, anyway...

We had both at our wedding. Both home made. The fruit cake got many compliments (didn't have it as I don't like it). I'd be inclined to go along with the (additional) fruit cake and save the battles for the personal stuff. Congratulations BTW!

Or... the OP could be a good host and make a tiny gesture to provide the traditional cake that she knows will make the older guests happy...?

The other 'older' guests may be just as happy to eat the regular cake. MIL is the only one who has complained, as far as I'm aware?

I'd be all for 'being a good host' if MIL had asked whether it would be alright to have a small fruitcake for herself and some of the other guests who might enjoy it. But she didn't do that did she? She dictated that she'd be bringing her own cake regardless of what anyone else thought and it's that presumption which isn't on when it's someone else's day.

Giving in on this is MIL winning ground in a game she may well continue to play throughout OPs married life

I love fruit cake but appreciate its not everyone's cup of tea. For our wedding cake we had three tiers each made of a different type of cake. The top tier was fruit. Is this an option? But ultimately its your wedding, your choice what cake you have. If your MIL is not going to have a good time at your wedding unless she has a slice of fruit cake to eat, which is really weird, then it's fine for her to bring one but not to display it with your proper wedding cake. It could be just part of the evening buffet perhaps.

I don’t really get people saying “put fruit cake out for people that want it”.

Why should you cater to every whim? No one will starve and the world won’t end if Aunty Doris doesn’t get to have her Favourite Ever Cake. Just serve what you want. If no one likes your chocolate ganache they can pass. Or have a banana as someone upthread suggested.

She sounds like a nightmare.

It's not her wedding and she is being massively presumptuous to think it is her place to interfere in what you serve your guests. I would make her much much less involved in the wedding going forward.

I love fruitcake, and DS(9) loves fruitcake.
Actually, really old people dont like fruitcake as it gives them indigestion, so there.
I'd let her have the fruitcake as it's the easiest way of letting all your friends and family know a PITA she is.
that and I'd rather have a bit too

My MIL went a bit mad about our wedding cake - we had a naked cake made by my sister with whipped cream and berries for dessert. My MIL wanted royal icing and lots of it. It was a bit of a broken record before the day but was totally forgotten on the day. She also wrote a song about us and decided that she would get in touch with our wedding band behind our backs and ask for it to be played as our first song!!!

Honestly, I think that she really just wanted a special role and I made an effort to get her involved in picking things that I was pretty relaxed about - to me, flowers always look nice and we have similar tastes there so quite low risk. Once she got to the weekend itself, she was so busy that she forgot to meddle. May be the same for your MIL - the effort of actually turning up and carrying a cake around with her might be too much and she will decide she can't be bothered!!

Fruit cake is not only traditional for weddings because it keeps well, but because it's strong to bear the weight of tiers of cake on top.

Consult your cake-maker, who will be the expert, but don't assume that you can have a lovely light sponge and several tiers. There are a few stories out there of people whose wedding cakes collapsed on the day.

So how does having 2 cakes work?

Op cuts her cake which is then taken away & portioned, do you ask for a hands up of who would prefer fruitcake?

Put a couple of slices on each table?

Just when I thought there couldn't possibly be something more outlandish a MIL or Bride's Mother could do - you post this.

Is she really planning to bring a little Tesco's fruit cake to the wedding and cut it up herself, for a few people?

Quite apart from the fact it's really rude of her, doesn't she think that will look really, really strange?

Who does stuff like this?

I have no advice but am bewildered as to how your MIL thought she would pull this one off.

FWIW I like fruit cake and sponge cake. Any cake. Just in case you're interested.

Have a lovely wedding, OP. Honestly, you'll laugh about this in years to come.

@Needtochangemymindset you are right in saying that the examples I gave seem trivial, but they are part of a general pattern of her trying to push things on to us, sorry I probably should have made it clearer in my OP. I do want a good relationship with MIL, but I also want control over my own life, which is why I'm torn about what to do in this instance.

Maybe I should change the title as the more I think about it the more I realise this is definitely not just about fruitcake! (Unless we're referring to MIL by her new nickname )

Fruitcake tastes like salted charity shop storeroom sweepings

Behave, Patroclus.

Don't let her get fruit cake! Liking fruit cake doesn't mean she cannot eat all other types of cake, what a ridiculous woman.

I'm one of those weirdos who loves fruitcake but I wouldn't have it at a wedding. It's divisive. Plus it tastes like Christmas and winter, not weddings.

You need to jointly and calmly tell her you want to do it your way (unless she’s paying).

Can we call her a bat not an old bat please? She may not be old and it’s a bit offensive to assume age is a negative attribute.

I wanted a good relationship with my MiL. 6 years after getting with DH she's been cut off for 2 and never met our youngest. And hopefully never will.

Oh my god she’s actually going to be cutting this when you cut yours and busting herself dishing it out when your dishing yours out.

I seriously doubt she's planning on standing alongside the bride and groom at the cake table demanding to be photographed cutting her fruit cake while they cut the proper cake. Let's not whip things up unnecessarily.

I also hated fruit cake (although I’m starting to like it now - I think I’m getting old) so we didn’t have it. However, my fil cannot have cake normally as he’s allergic to the ingredients. We felt that it was important that he had some cake so we asked if a small one could be baked just for him. It made him really happy.

By no means should you have one of your tiers fruit cake (unless it’s massive) but it won’t hurt to get one made (or make it yourself as it lasts forever). Your wedding is really special for the bride and groom but now I’ve got kids I can see how special it would be to be the parents too. It’s not a huge thing and you’ll feel ‘saintly’ instead of pissed off and angry. She’s not asking the world, just for a bit of tradition that would be the cherry on top. No one has to see it but it’s clearly make at least two people very happy. It’s too easy to get annoyed with mils, especially when you read countless mil threads where there are years of pent up hate and dysfunctional relationships behind the ‘no she’s being a bitch’ comments, but keep in mind it’ll be you one day and you’ll not think it’s unreasonable to give your opinion.

Your relationship will be easier if you do nice things, especially when it’s not that big a deal. It’s cake, not a request to change your life. Yabu.

OP does MIL have a dd?

I don't think I'd have allowed anyone to dictate my weddings. Unless MIL had dementia or similar. Then I'd probably get a little wedding one just for her and those who wanted it. My MIL is lovely but is getting dementia now at 84. So yes I would for her if I was getting married now.

Ooh I’m remembering my wedding cake now! A tier of chocolate fudge, a tier of lemon drizzle and a coffee and walnut: we served it as pudding at the evening reception it was lovely

Not that you should have to, but as a compromise M&S do some lovely (and very reasonable) fruit cake wedding bars.

Though I personally would be sticking to my guns OP. It's your wedding, not hers. There are polite ways to set some boundaries as many have suggested above. "Thanks for the advice" and then just do what you want anyway.

I do want a good relationship with MIL, but I also want control over my own life

Then sit down with her and talk to her like the two adult women you are and explain exactly that. Tit for tat passive aggressive spats over fruit cake are incredibly childish.