MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

[WrackspurtsAndNargles62442]

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

Oh ffs dont sweat small stuff. this is very much an age thing, it was all
ways fruit cake years ago because it "kept" does it really matter, in the bigger picture, have your lovely wedding cake and allow her ,her fruit cake its not hurting anyone is it if the oldies prefer a slice of it so what??

No longer solely religious
Since 1847

now primarily for love matches rather than dynastic advantage
Some marriages are still for dynastic advantage, as are those motivated by money, need for security, many reasons other than love.

I think you should let her buy her own fruit cake and put your foot down over more serious matters. She's going to be in your life for a long time so there's no sense in telling her not to bring it, it'll only cause friction.

I don't think YABU at all, I'd just pick your battles, especially as you say her heart is in the right place. In laws aren't easy and do require careful handling. But they can also become an important and valued part of your life if you work to keep things harmonious!

Since 1847

Did I say that?

Some marriages are still for dynastic advantage

Some, not the vast majority.

Are you trying to deny that the institution has changed significantly? Really?

Yes really.

So the shift away from purely religious and purely heterosexual marriages has passed you by?

Or you don’t consider that to be significant?

Which?

The shift away from purely religious marriage happened 173 years ago. How exactly has opening up the range of people for who are eligible to marry changed the instruction itself? Marriage is still a legally recognised contract between two people, just as it always has been.

How exactly has opening up the range of people for who are eligible to marry changed the instruction itself?

Well if you are sticking to that particular position I’m not sure there’s any point in continuing discussion.

It’s not a particularly interesting rabbit hole in any case.

@Mamato2gorgeousboys great advice !
OP this isn’t really about fruit cake is it ?
Your future MIL is flexing her muscles about everything to do with your wedding . Even if she was footing the entire bill it doesn’t give her the right to dictate anything about the day . If elderly relatives might prefer a bit of good quality fruit cake make her buy the best . Get it sliced in the kitchen at the venue whilst your choice of cake takes centre stage . Make sure when you and new husband cut your cake the cake knife doesn’t end up as Exhibit A - despite the provocation she’s giving you !

My DMum insisted on buying a fruit cake for our wedding, which she then cut a few slices from for older relatives (her Mum was also there) and took the rest to cut up and give to aunts, uncles etc who couldn’t make it.

She meant well, and I just let her crack on. The fruit cake isn’t in any of the cake photos and I’d forgotten about it until reading this thread. I’d advise picking your battles. And this doesn’t need to be a battle, just let her have this one and buy a small fruit cake.

Er, whose Wedding is it??

Keep information to a Minimum as far as your MIL is concerned as this will mean she won't know what you are doing. If you and your fella are financing the wedding then she has NO say whatsoever. If you let her have the cake you are giving her the potential want her way on everything. Be firm now.

Member984815 I am so with you on this. Fiance needs to grow a pair and speak to his Mum or he is going to be caught between his wife and his mother for a very long time. In fact I would be out of there if that was my future.

Your day, your choice!

Karencantobe It starts with little things like letting the MIL have her say, then bang she is dominating the rest of your married life, I know, I have been there and we split up before the wedding because he was such a Mummy's Boy and wasn't going to change. I dodged a bullet there.

I never realised fruitcake was so important to (older) British people. I certainly hope that our guests didn't think there was anything lacking.

Though if they did they would have to blame DH as I have now gathered from this thread it's a vital part of British wedding culture.

This isn't about the cake it's about her innapropriate incessant interference and you OH enabling behaviour.

The cake is the symptom not the cause and you need to dig it out by the root.

You need to face off with her and be clear that if you and she are to have a good relationship in the future she needs to respect your boundaries and moderate her behaviour.

Clarify you will not be having any fruitcake period. Your wedding, your rules and her son agrees with you but is giving in for a quiet life and this will not continue going forward.

Then tell your OH that he will not be siding with his mother over you in future or you will be having a very short marriage because no one likes a mummy's boy and he is making her behaviour worse by giving into her constantly.

I love fruit cake and hate sponge I can't tell you how many weddings I stubbed my fags out on bits of sponge people didn't eat, but fruit cake eaters eat their cake. When my wedding came round I was pressured to do a sponge layer. I didn't as I have never been to a wedding where the fruit cake eaters where accommodated but the opposite way round always a sponge cake!
No more I say!

Give them some fucking fruit cake. It's a small ask.

Tell her that bringing her own cake to your wedding would be rude and inappropriate.
Remind her that people can survive without fruitcake for a day.

I know this is crazy long thread, but my 2c worth is... it would depend HOW I was serving the cake to my guests.

If it is to be cut in the kitchen and placed out with coffee for people to help themselves, then fine, have the fruit cake from wherever you want.

If it's the dessert course, which is becoming more common, and is delivered to people at their tables then no I wouldn't do it, as then the venue has to check with people which they want, or people would have to reject the lovely cake to ask for fruit cake.

Either way, if you do have a fruit cake, make sure MIL knows not to bleat on about it all day to people "I wanted a traditional fruit cake, but couldn't even have that, I had to pop to M&S yesterday to get one... make sure you ask for it -spread the word".

'A lot of old people like Emmerdale but I guess you're not showing it. They also like mints, shortbread and blankets.

Let her bring a cake in her handbag. She'll look like a lunatic!'

Is Emmerdale traditionally shown at weddings in England then?

Loving the idea of Emmerdale being shown at weddings as the cake is served!

As a compromise, could Mum in Law host a party after the wedding with a Cake . We did that after my Sister's wedding. Some of the Guests staying overnight joined us for a Scottish Breakfast.

You haven't mentioned your own mum. Can't she play a more integral role and perhaps balance/counter your MIL (I have a migraine coming, so not sure I'm making sense with that sentence)?

Pothole Paradise.
I have got a gorgeous Fruitcake that Mum made for Christmas. It has alcohol in but is firm enough to hold its shape and is amazing with Wensleydale Cheese.