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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

751 replies

WrackspurtsAndNargles62442 · 31/01/2020 08:56

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

OP posts:
Fartcakes · 01/02/2020 17:55

I could have written your post myself but with MY MUM!! She told me the wedding was not just about me, lol. I was married 8 and a half years ago and if I remember correctly we had 3 different flavours, one of them bring a fruit cake. She did help so much though and made my wedding amazing even though she was such a pain on the run up to it!

karencantobe · 01/02/2020 18:04

Traditionally a wedding was not just about the couple. It was a joining of families.

Commonwasher · 01/02/2020 18:13

I don’t usually advocate lying but in this case I’d tell her a selection of cake flavours will be available including fruit (even if ‘fruit’ is actually more like ‘lemon’ or ‘chocolate orange’) and so no supermarket supplements will be required thank you.

On the day, if she’s so rude as to ask about fruitcake, you can express mild confusion about crossed wires then swan off in your dress.

pashmina696 · 01/02/2020 18:19

I had the exact same at my wedding from my DM, she couldn't comprehend a wedding without fruitcake and was at the wedding cake ordering with me, she asked if the top smallest tier could be fruitcake but the baker said no as it is considerably heavier than chocolate cake and carrot cake (the other layers) so instead he provided one for free to be cut at the reception - all the cakes were eaten - it was fine, it irked me at the time as I dislike fruitcake, but it really wasn't a big deal.

karencantobe · 01/02/2020 18:23

OP please don't lie. This woman is going to be your MIL for a long time. Lying is not a good start.

DeathByPuppy · 01/02/2020 18:24

All these people saying ‘just a guest’. She isn’t ‘just a guest’. She is the groom’s mum Sad. Of course she shouldn’t be allowed to dictate all of your wedding plans but wanting to be involved and have an input on her son’s wedding isn’t so unreasonable.

56ers · 01/02/2020 18:37

Let her buy a fruit cake and make an arse of herself.

karencantobe · 01/02/2020 18:42

Let her make an arse of herself?
Some horrible comments here.

dwum · 01/02/2020 18:49

When my best friend got married last year, I offered to make their wedding cake as their present. I made one modern cake and one traditional fruit cake.

My DM fed the traditional one for me as I live a distance away and we decided it was best to not travel alone with both of the cakes, and she helped me decorate it the night before.

Unbeknownst to any of us, she also got the fear that there wouldn't be enough cake and made a spare wedding cake!

Everyone took it in the good nature she intended it to be, and laughed so much. There was no malice, just genuine concern that people might want more cake that I had prepared for. (That didn't happen, but as it was (a very moist) fruit cake, it kept and they kept tucking into it after the wedding.)

I think that intention is very important here. Is the OP's MIL insisting that there must be a cake because she wants one, or is she worried about a harmless and quite nice tradition. Is there any reason why there can't be two cakes?

If she is generally an interfering type MIL then I would pass it over to STBDH to deal with, and set that precedence early in the marriage.

If she is just wondering why there isn't a traditional cake at the wedding, and offering to buy one, then I would let her crack on as it genuinely won't impact on the day.

(FWIW my MIL never showed any interest in our wedding. I would have loved even a couple of questions about our plans.)

Langpants · 01/02/2020 18:54

Traditionally yes, but nowadays couples tend to pay for their own weddings with little if no support from parents... if MIL is paying for things then maybe she could be allowed a little input and compromise. If she’s not contributing (except for hideous fruit cake), then she can sod off.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/02/2020 18:57

Your wedding sounds epic, @GlamGiraffe - lots of cheese and lots of cake - perfect!

di2004 · 01/02/2020 18:59

How rude of your MIL to be interfering in this way.
She knows very fine well what she’s doing, but I would be telling her that there’s only one wedding cake so she either eats that at the wedding or can eat her fruit cake when she gets home!

karencantobe · 01/02/2020 19:04

Yes I know traditionally and not so much now. But other family members will be family forever. So if it is things I cared about, I would not change them. But OP doesn't even care about providing part of it being fruit cake.
And the truth is a marriage does still often involve both families coming together. Once people have kids they do expect parents and in laws to be interested and supportive.
I also have read so many threads on here about people complaining about weddings they have went to where they are just considered as spectators. So the reality is people do want to be considered when they attend a wedding.
I know its not a big deal. But I personally think why get into a fight over something you don't actually care about.

MiniMum97 · 01/02/2020 19:19

No you both need to make it clear to her that this is your wedding and you will be making the decisions. She is welcome to make suggestions but the decisions are your and your husbands.

Spaceshiphaslanded · 01/02/2020 19:19

At least you have a heads up, and she didn’t go behind your backs knowing you didn’t want fruitcake, showing all her friends her “wonderful” cake, then present it to you the night before your wedding!....then sulk all of your wedding day because you told her you didn’t want it. She’s still sulking years later actually.
I know how annoying this is but she will look daft with her own little one. Has she tried the tasters of your cake? She may change her mind once she discovers how amazing some of these wedding cakes are now a days 😉

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 01/02/2020 19:21

Go NC due to the fact she enjoys dead fly cake.

diddl · 01/02/2020 19:22

"@diddl are you out of your mind? "

It was supposed to be a joke along the lines of "cancel the cheque"

Sorry!

NameChangeNugget · 01/02/2020 19:24

You need to have a word with DP.

This really isn’t on

Menaimum · 01/02/2020 20:04

Graciously tell her you'll sort a fruutcake. Buy 3 small round individual fruitcakes. Have them served to her for starter, main & pud. None of the real food for her.

Cherrysoup · 01/02/2020 20:08

Dunno about joining of families, ours live 6 hours apart. Times change, traditions change. I think my wedding was the last time I saw a fruit cake used, 20 years ago. Every wedding since has been tower of cheese, chocolate sponge, tower of choux buns, cupcakes etc.

I’m sure the grandparents will cope without a fruitcake on the day. Cake is cake (donning my tin hat there!) 🤷‍♀️

Happyher · 01/02/2020 20:10

If you’re having a meal and a buffet later on let her serve hers at the buffet

LaurieMarlow · 01/02/2020 20:17

The institution of marriage has changed quite significantly over the years.

Fruitcake is not integral to it.

draughtycatflap · 01/02/2020 20:21

Sure, give in on this OP and MIL will be demanding Lionel Blair burst out of her precious fruitcake.

Alsohuman · 01/02/2020 20:33

The institution of marriage has changed quite significantly over the years

The institution has remained the same for centuries. It’s wedding fripperies that go in and out of fashion, what’s the betting fruit cake makes a come back in 20 years?

LaurieMarlow · 01/02/2020 20:44

The institution has remained the same for centuries

It had changed very significantly in a number of ways. No longer solely religious, no longer solely heterosexual, now primarily for love matches rather than dynastic advantage. Etc, etc.

what’s the betting fruit cake makes a come back in 20 years?

I can’t say I care one way or the other. I am certainly surprised at the integral role it plays for some posters on here.

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