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Original poster

MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

751 replies

WrackspurtsAndNargles62442 · 31/01/2020 08:56

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

OP posts:
Marmitepasta · 01/02/2020 09:41

Yes annoying but I don't think I could be bothered to care. In the whole grand scheme of things does it really matter if her and a couple of random relatives eat fruit cake? Choose your battles.

0blio · 01/02/2020 10:12

What is it with the idiots bleating on about "the elderly"?

Exactly Soupdragon for all we know the MIL to be is probably in her 40s!

OP you sound as if you have a lot of growing up to do. Are you having guests at your (and your husband's) wedding? Or is this show just all about you?

#teamfruitcake

Cohle · 01/02/2020 11:40

I cannot for the life of me understand why you would not want to accommodate a request for something traditional.

They cannot possibly accommodate every conceivable preference of every guest attending. They've catered to the majority and that's perfectly reasonable. Where does it end?

GCAcademic · 01/02/2020 11:42

What is it with the idiots bleating on about "the elderly"?

Exactly Soupdragon for all we know the MIL to be is probably in her 40s!

The OP referred to grandparents. Generally the grandparents of anyone old enough to get married are elderly.

SoupDragon · 01/02/2020 11:44

The numpties were bleating on about MIL's "elderly friends" and the elderly in general. Which was simply ignorant.

howabout · 01/02/2020 11:50

It isn't the grandparents proposing to gatecrash with fruitcake though, They are just being used as an excuse note by a MiL struggling with it not being about her.

In pp I said I had 3 DDs and I won't be imposing cake choice. However if my future SiLs decide that my decision to leave them and my DDs to choose their own cake should be over-ruled by his DM I will be asking why her wishes are more important than mine. "Traditionally" Mothers of the Bride have a role in weddings but Mothers of the Groom do not.

SoupDragon · 01/02/2020 11:55

"Traditionally" Mothers of the Bride have a role in weddings but Mothers of the Groom do not.

Yes, but "traditionally" the parents of the bride are paying.

I don't actually think the mother of the bride has any traditional role at all though. Only the father of the bride.

pigsDOfly · 01/02/2020 12:04

I don't understand why so many posters think it's okay for MIL to get her demands met, to keep the peace, and that it's acceptable for her to bring in her own cake because 'some people may prefer it' to the cake the OP and her husband to be are choosing at their own wedding.

Where does this end? 'Oh DIL I don't like the meal you and my son have chosen, it's too modern.' I know a lot of the grandparents would prefer fish and chips so I'm going to ask the local chip shop to deliver nice hot fish and chips for those that prefer it.'

It's not MIL's wedding, so unless she's paying for it she has no say in what happens. And even if she were paying for it I don't think she should have a say in what sort of cake should be served.

It's one meal. I'm sure she'll survive the shock of eating sponge cake at a wedding. If she's so desperate for fruit cake let her go and buy herself a large fruit cake and then she can sit in her house after the wedding and eat the whole thing.

I'm paying for the cake for my son and, soon to be DIL's wedding. I sort of know what they're having but I haven't seen what they've chosen because it's their wedding and their cake.

From the way my son has described what they're having it sound lovely - it's not a fruit cake - and I look forward to seeing it for the first time at their wedding.

Lweji · 01/02/2020 12:12

Generally the grandparents of anyone old enough to get married are elderly.

As in their 60s?

GCAcademic · 01/02/2020 12:22

As in their 60s?

No, most weddings I've been to where the grandparents were there, they were in their 70s, onwards. It's not that common to have three generations who got married and had kids aged 20. I'd say 70 is elderly. Is that OK with you?

howabout · 01/02/2020 12:23

If I get to be Mother of the Bride then I will definitely be going outfit shopping. I also reckon although it is less often the case that parents of the bride are paying it is still traditional for the parents of the bride to do all the tedious hosting /logistics stuff so that the couple can just enjoy their day - more difficult if there is a power struggle with the in-laws.

SoupDragon · 01/02/2020 12:33

most weddings I've been to where the grandparents were there, they were in their 70s

And how about the "elderly friends" of the MIL? Do you think they are all in their 70s or more too? How about the people who were using "elderly" in respect of the MIL?

It's nonsense, pure and simple.

diddl · 01/02/2020 12:34

I agree that the MIL has gone about it in the wrong way.

But so what if Op's fiance wants to do something for his mum & Gps on his wedding day?

If it's part of a problem, him always doing what his mum wants, Op already knows this.

Slicing up cake & putting it out with their chosen cake may not be the thing worth falling out over.

But a big step back about involving her & telling her stuff might be needed from here on in.

diddl · 01/02/2020 12:36

"Where does this end?"

It ends where the couple say it ends, & up until now, the cake is ok by one of them.

SoupDragon · 01/02/2020 12:39

No one is saying that the MIL should have her demands met. They are saying that this particular one is easy to accommodate without it impacting on the choices of the bride and groom at all.

GCAcademic · 01/02/2020 12:40

And how about the "elderly friends" of the MIL? Do you think they are all in their 70s or more too? How about the people who were using "elderly" in respect of the MIL?

As one of the "idiots" who used the term "elderly", I was defending my own use of it, which was in relation to the grandparents. No friends of the MIL were mentioned by the OP in her opening post, just the grandparents. I can't speak for how anyone else uses the term. This is turning into a massive derail now, and I don't like doing that to someone's thread, so I'm not going to engage further on the definition and use of the description.

Ritascornershop · 01/02/2020 12:44

This happened to me! I was trying to arrange the wedding long distance and wanted a chocolate cake. Now exh says he’ll tell her as “she’s insisting”. He bottles it and she calls me “to explain” that “you have to have a fruitcake”. I don’t feel I can argue with someone I don’t know terribly well and so demur, tell him again to sort it. He doesn’t, we have bloody fruitcake.

After the wedding breakfast everyone came back to ours. I’d spent a day making beautiful finger food (I love cooking). Some of the food, I will admit, contained garlic (she was horrified by this). MiL was “worried people wouldn’t like” the food I made, so along with all my swish appies was a lone, bright red, tube of Pringles.

Put your foot down or there may also be Pringle’s (or f you just can’t, ask the caterers to lose her cake). She’s being a very cheeky moo.

Movinghouseatlast · 01/02/2020 12:55

No, saying 70 is elderly is not ok by me GCA. It is ageist and fucking rude.

Most people are going to have to work until they're 67 which is bad enough without twats calling them elderly 3 years later.

GCAcademic · 01/02/2020 13:04

No, saying 70 is elderly is not ok by me GCA. It is ageist and fucking rude.

In that case, I apologise. But I would like to know when is appropriate to use the term, then, in order to avoid giving offence. Or is it one of those words which is now not be used at all? Seeing as the average person in this country will die before they are 81, it does beg the question of, if the 70s are not the decade in which one is elderly, then when is? One of my parents is in their 70s, and the other in their 80s. Both refer to themselves as elderly.

GCAcademic · 01/02/2020 13:06

Sorry, I know I said I wasn't going to engage further. But being called a twat was a bit of a provocation.

cravingmilkshake · 01/02/2020 13:07

A couple of our guests were "disappointed" for there not to be a fruit cake at our wedding. We had a naked Victoria sponge with all tiers being different flavours.

They remarked, we told them we didn't like it - end of. Your wedding!

In your situation though, I would just lie and say there is fruit cake in one tier, she won't bring hers and on the day it will all be forgotten about and won't matter in the moment!

maddiemookins16mum · 01/02/2020 13:08

Just buy the M and S Colin the caterpillar wedding cakes instead.

SoupDragon · 01/02/2020 13:10

No friends of the MIL were mentioned by the OP in her opening post

She also didn't call anyone "elderly"

MaggieFS · 01/02/2020 13:11

I honestly think wedding cakes are the most overrated and pointless part to a traditional wedding service and reception. Why do we even have them?

FWIW, we had one tier fruit because DM offered to make it, but she makes excellent cakes and people are always asking her to make them for Christmas and birthdays. We then needed someone else to make the chocolate layers and ice it, and I was amazed how expensive it was (have seen threads on what it takes and I know how it adds up, but it's still a lot of money).

And for what? Twenty seconds of a photo opportunity? People are stuffed with the meal and half the weddings I've been to you miss the cake because you're off dancing.

I now strongly suggest the M&S ones to anyone insistent on cake. Otherwise save money!

spicedapples · 01/02/2020 13:11

I don't think elderly is offensive but I do use the word mature in its place

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