MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

[WrackspurtsAndNargles62442]

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

What’s with that Royal Icing? It’s like cement. No wonder the oldies teeth are like they are.

Birdie Friend said the fruitcake is crying because the old people keep licking her.

it is a fraught time making arrangements.
but could you have a calm think and consider whether you could be assertive with MIL. not rude or aggressive, just speak the truth calmly and as unemotionally as possible.
that as it is your and groom's wedding, you two will be making all the decisions regarding it.
and don't discuss any details with her. that's irrelevant; otherwise you could get bogged down in the merits of cake types. that not the point. you don't have to justify anything.
you may not be able to change her behaviour, but it will help you set your course with her for the future.
I think sometimes things get convoluted ,and emotions get heated because honest immediate reactions have been stifled, and then hints and huffs develop, sometimes leading to great rows and eventual estrangement.
you can acknowledge that she means well, while going on to say that you do not find her interventions helpful, and you will be ignoring them. that it is not from any antipathy, but simply because you and fiancé want to make your own decisions about your own wedding/ life, and that is what you are going to do, regardless of what she says.
broken record, ie repeat same phrase boringly; do not get drawn into discussing details.

You should have one tier as fruit cake as you are supposed to save it for your first child's christening.

Too many presumptions with this tradition

I absolutely love fruit cake. I know it's more modern to have sponge cake for weddings now but I'm always disappointed if it's not fruit cake.

However, your mil should not be over ruling your decision.

A wedding cake can have different flavours for different tiers. We had chocolate, Madeira, lemon and fruitcake.

You shouldn't do anything you (as a couple) don't want to do. But if your husband-to-be wants one tier to be fruitcake because he knows his mum will appreciate that, is that really so terrible?

Of course, if you're feeling really mean you could have the little too tier as fruitcake, but then refuse to let MIL2B have any because "you want to keep it as a Christening cake!"

Too many presumptions with this tradition

My mother quoted this one to me despite the fat that she herself had recurrent miscarriage, and also, didn't get me christened

I also read on a recent thread about an OP being upset at not being a bridesmaid, that bridesmaids were supposed to be unmarried women of child bearing age. It does make me wonder what other traditions people cling to, that may be far more damaging than bridesmaid or wedding cake etiquette

What is it about friutcake people dislike? Personally for me it’s the big whole fruits and cherries and whatnot but that is a traditional one.. the West Indian rum fruit cake, now that is a totally different ballgame and that is the one that converts people back to fruit cakes as it doesn’t have big bits of disgusting dried fruits, nuts etc.

Personally, I wouldn’t want anyone telling what I should have but for a quiet life and if budget permits I would have a separate fruit cake.. that said I’d be having a. fruit cake anyway but the West Indian rum one not the UK type ones.

My MIL thought it was v odd that we didn’t have a wedding cake at all (we had a beautiful stack of cheese instead, and earlier in the day had had scones, strawberries and cream) so she turned up with a basic fruit cake. The caterers just cut it up and served it with the evening food so it wasn’t wasted but nor was a thing made of it. Not sure if she was annoyed that we didn’t present her cake or do the big cake cutting thing.
Very few people touched it...

Honestly, just let her have a cake. It's not a big deal. It's just cake.

I was recently having a discussion about tradition with an older friend. I wanted to observe a particular food tradition, but DH and DC weren't interested, and pressuring me to not bother as they felt it wasn't worth the hassle', even though I didn't mind the 'hassle' as I quite like the process and ceremony of the whole thing, and enjoyed reliving the memories of my grandmother and DM making this. The thought of not doing it made me feel quite sad.

He said to me 'Just do it. Partially because you have to model these traditions to the younger generations, otherwise they will not know about them or how to behave in these situations. And also, it will give them something to giggle about when you are gone, as in 'do you remember when mum always did this, even though none of us ever ate it? And she had to go around and share it with the neighbours?'.'

We had a good giggle about this over a glass of wine, his words resonated with me. I did stick with tradition, I made it, we did invite friends over to share it, they brought some of their home made wine and we had a jolly good time.

I would even offer to make the cake together. Tell her kindly 'this isn't something that DP and I are particularly focused on, but I have noticed that it is important to you'. She could keep it at hers to feed it between now and the wedding.

Small gestures like this can foster family relations, and it would allow DMILTB to talk about her wonderful new DIL.

I think you need to choose your battles with MIL... I would just tell her there's no need to buy a fruitcake, that there will be fruitcake offered on the day. And do what PP suggested and leave a small M&S fruitcake with the caterers to be served with the rest of the real wedding cake. At our wedding, my mum made the top layer of our cake and it was fruitcake... she 'fed' it for several weeks before passing it on to the wedding cake lady who decorated it with the other two layers (lemon Madeira and Belgian biscuit). There wasn't a crumb left of any of the cakes... BUT saying that, I knew that there were lots of people coming to the wedding who would happily devour a slice of boozy fruitcake 😄 You know your crowd, of the majority won't eat fruitcake - it's pointless having it as a layer of the cake.

I can't see how the MIL would look like a "twat" for supplying something that she knows some guests would like.

Also, perhaps her son doesn't think it's a big enough thing to "stand up to her" about, "take Op's side" on.

I had this with our wedding. We just got the top tier as a fruit cake to satisfy the family who would like it and the other 3 tiers as the flavours we wanted. Compromise and everyone was happy.

Yeah I would probably do as PP have suggested. Tell her you definitely don't want a cake you haven't chosen at the wedding but tell her not to worry they'll be fruit cake available on the day. Then you can choose a little fruit cake you're happy with and give it to the caterers. I do agree it would be odd if MiL was roaming the wedding proffering fruit cake to everyone!

My friend got her wedding cake from M&S (it was amazing for the price) & then ordered a few fruit cake cutting bars. She had a few traditional guests and the caterers were OK serving it alongside the main cake.

www.marksandspencer.com/l/food-to-order/wedding-cakes/wedding-cakes/cutting-bars

Just go along with her then frisbee it into a field before it can be served.

It's traditional to do lots of things at weddings but not everybody wants to do them.
I still don't understand why people think a compromise is a good idea. The MIL is being demanding and controlling.
I didn't have floral bouquets at my wedding. If my MIL had brought her own along because it was traditional, she would've been accused of making the day about her. Why is bringing along your own wedding cake not the same?!

Get a cutting cake bar from m&s

Use this latest interference as a sign you need to be stronger. Stop letting her ride roughshod over your wedding.

Cut her out. Its odd to take MIL to wedding fair and ugh to her dress shopping with you.

You are the bride. Deliberately make your own choices based on what you want.

Make sure DP is on your side not hers or you'd be better not to marry.

I cannot for the life of me understand why you would not want to accommodate a request for something traditional. It does not in any way compromise your cake. All you are trying to do is make a point. Serve her cake at the side FFS. Choose your battles carefully. This is not a hill to die on.

I cannot for the life of me understand why you would not want to accommodate a request for something traditional.

Because the tradition isn’t important to the B&G, whose wedding it is.

The sensible compromise iso have it in the kitchen and slices served on request. Keep your powder dry for a situation where you really need MIL to accept your position (like baby names!)

just tell her if she wants fruit cake at a wedding then she can have it at her next wedding, not yours
its rather insulting to say she will just buy one and bring if you dont do what you are told, get those boundaries in place now

Its not about the cake though is it. Its about setting boundaries

I have a problem with the idea of MIL 'insisting' on anything at other people's weddings. I married in my early thirties. The idea of any other adult 'insisting' about things at my wedding was laughable, we chose what we liked, people came (or could not come if they didn't like it). If she felt strongly she could politely ask if there was going to be a fruit cake, and then be gracious if told no. Buying extra cakes and having them served separately is madness!