MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

[WrackspurtsAndNargles62442]

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

If you do decide to let her bring a fruit cake, obviously your choice. M & S do a 'kitchen cake it's their wedding cake recipe but it's a plain iced bar used as extra cake if the official wedding cake won't be big enough.
You leave it in the kitchen and ask your caterers to cut it up and serve it with the main cake.

As they say - you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DP problem.

He needs to learn to deal with his interfering mother - not give in for a peaceful life - and he did it without consulting you as well!

You also need to assert yourselves a lot better with her.
Don't tell her everything, start saying '"no - WE are doing this OUR way" and stop pandering to her.

She can live without fruitcake at your wedding.

If you don't set boundaries with her NOW then you can look forward to more interfering with eevrything else - wait until you have DC and see how she ramps it up!

I did have sometimes troublesome ILs, but you have to pick your battles. Definitely stand your ground over the things which are genuinely important to you, but you'll have an easier life if you can let the things which don't really matter, go.
You can usually tell if you have a dp who is just trying to be loving to his mum or one who is completely tied to the apron strings because it will manifest itself Inver more than one issue.
That's not to say that you shouldn't have a conversation with him where you make clear that you are not marrying his mum and decisions about the two of you are to be made by the two of you and everyone else gets informed, not asked. And a conversation with his mum where you can point out that if she asks you, then you will fairly consider her request, but telling you what will happen at your wedding (and life) will result in an outright no. You might put it more tactfully then me though.
All that said, this is just a cake and the more of her relatives who eat the minging fruit cake, the more of the nice cake you will have left for you!

Umm whose wedding is it? It's your wedding your lovely day. You have the cake you want. Plenty of people have different cakes nowadays even cup cakes, certainly chocolate cake cherry Madeira and so on. I guess you could get a small fruit cake but personally I wouldn't. This MoL is going to be an absolute pain if you let her so best stomp on bad habits/coach into suitable behaviour now.

Boundaries are being pushed and pushed. If your DP can’t stand up to his mother in terms of what happens at YOUR wedding with him then you need to seriously reevaluate your plans to marry him,

Proceed at your peril!

It one small cake. I literally don't get why anyone would care. I don't think people should interfere with someone else's wedding plans but getting so get up about a bit of cake is really silly. It literally doesn't matter. It's not going to ruin photos or kill the mood or anything. It's doesn't have to be on display.
OP, does your DF actually care? Is he really caving in to his mother's wishes under duress or does he not actually care? My bet is that he doesn't care.

I think there are plenty of things where you do need to call the shots but this isn't one of them. It's hilarious how much huffing and puffing DILs and MILs do on MN.

I'm pretty sure that the main reason fruitcake was the cake of choice for weddings was for its longevity! People who couldn't make it to the wedding had cake posted out to them, even - couldn't do that with sponge, it wouldn't survive! Plus yes, there was the tradition of keeping the top layer for the christening of the firstborn child - needs to be a good solid fruitcake for that to happen!

I'm also getting a bit irritated by the ageism and insults surrounding the liking of fruitcake - if you don't like it, that's absolutely fine, no one is saying you should - but don't bloody insult people who DO like it! You're not the arbiter of "which cake is RIGHT" - it's only your personal taste! I'm also fairly sure that all the people making the grand assumption that "most people don't even like fruit cake" are probably not as correct as they think either.

Anyway - it's the OP's choice and if she doesn't want it, then that's absolutely fine; and MIL should just go with what the OP wants.

Lack of fruit cake isn't something that would make or break a wedding, to be honest

It does for me! Wedding are tedious, expensive and very, very boring. The only good things about them are (used to be) champagne and lovely rich fruitcake with marzipan and rock-hard white icing. I feel cheated when I go to a wedding and there is no real wedding cake. Proper traditional wedding cake is possibly the best food ever invented. God, I'd have it for breakfast every day if it weren't so fattening.

I'm going to buy some fruitcake for the weekend because of this thread.

Unfortunately as part of the wedding menu there was also afternoon tea with a selection of cakes so there was just piles and piles of cake. They really didn’t need more cake.

This must be one of the most goady statements I've read on MN @TeaAndCake321

You really need to reconsider you values. "Unfortunately" should never precede "there was cake" in a sentence. And as for "they really didn't need more cake" - well, I just don't know where to start with this.

You need to take a long, hard look at yourself and then eat some cake

@Ginfordinner

I get about the guests - our wedding was 100% about what’s best for them. But someone DEMANDING a type of cake and saying they will bring one along if not provided is so fucking rude!

As l always say in these situations your day = your way. She had what she wanted at her wedding and she needs to learn to keep her nose out

It's easier to let us down than it is his mother. Yes that's the situation in my marriage.

Also, look:

Caring about your guests is doing things like making sure they aren’t standing around during photos/ making sure they are always fed and watered and able to sit down/ making sure there isn’t stupid journeying between venue and reception and making sure they aren’t bored. That the food is nice and the wine flows etc.

It’s NOT about catering to everyone’s tastes! Yes vegetarians and gluten free. But “I prefer this cake flavour”?!? “Well I’m the bride and I want vanilla”! 🤷🏻‍♀️

They really didn’t need more cake No, just a different sort of guest. Like me and GCAcademic

I understand about this not being the hill to die on, it's just wildly rude to me. If the MIL to be had said that it's not a proper wedding reception unless you serve beef wellington as one of the mains, then brought her own when told it wasn't on the menu, how would that look?

I'd have the cake you want, but have a cutting bar of fruit cake — lots of people do like it (especially older relatives) and it's an easy thing to do. There's no point in upsetting people and risking having your day spoilt when it's a very small thing to do. I agree with others about only serving it cut up.

Totally this, it seems such am earth and sensible solution. However, as per usual, the very mention of a MIL sets certain posters off frothing at the mouth and asserting that nothing less than going NC will suffice. Jesus, what dramatic lives some of you lot must lead, it must be exhausting!!!

I’ve been thinking about this and trying to remember what our wedding cake was. I think it was a fruitcake but, nearly 20 years down the line, I couldn’t swear to it. That’s how important a wedding cake is in the great scheme of things.

Am earth???? An easy, even.....😂😂

Like others, what I really really want now is a fruitcake. A whole one. With a bottle of champagne, all to myself.

However, as per usual, the very mention of a MIL sets certain posters off frothing at the mouth and asserting that nothing less than going NC will suffice

Some people have experienced the awful black hole that going along with MIL from the beginning turns into...

HepburnKNotA mmm, Genoa cake is lush.

www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/marys_christmas_genoa_32386

I work in this industry and I can't tell you how many couples end up fighting with parents about fruit cake 🤣 I suppose because it was just "the thing to have" for their generation.

What I would say is don't fall out over things that you're not going to care about the day after the wedding. If you're having a tiered cake you can have the smallest tier as fruit? Or like I think others may have suggested, get your caterers to cut up the supermarket fruit cake in the kitchens and plate it up with evening food, along with the sponge cake.

Parents can get quite territorial over weddings, my advice to clients is always to preempt where possible and offer a solution before they come up with their own version of one that may be further than you are willing to go (if you see what I mean?) I.e - MIL I know you LOVE fruit cake so we'll organise a small portion for you and your friends. Rather than her thinking she can buy her own and plonk it on the cake table with your beautiful one.

Good luck!

This isn’t about the cake.

It is a clear NO to any interfering from me. So I would be saying a clear no to a bonus fruit cake.

It is the fact that this is trivial, in itself, that means it is a good first lesson for dp to show he can start setting mil appropriate boundaries.

You and H to be need to sit down for a really serious conversation about his mother or your lives together will be blighted by her.

Do this soon.

Each of you needs to express your assumptions and expectations about the extent of her involvement in your lives, and how you are going to communicate with her and with each other about issues related to her.

You need to bring up any aspects of the current situation, with your H, and if you feel you need the reassurance that he has your back 100 percent, then you need to tell him that and ask him to stop playing both sides.