MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

[WrackspurtsAndNargles62442]

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

Just do the top layer as fruit cake, its the smallest so only a few slices.

We're having 3 different flavours for our wedding cake

Can't you serve MIL on a plate to her old codger friends ... cos she's obviously a fruit cake.

I'll get my coat.

@Pilot12, small problem, you can't put a fruit cake on top, it would have to be the bottom tier. Even a small one is heavy and might collapse the rest of the cake. But I agree with keeping the peace!

OP, you could ask the cake maker to quote to decorate a small cake placed alongside the main cake. You could then ask you MIL to make the fruit cake for you to a specific weird size or shape. Like a 5" hexagon or a 6" heart. Specify in centimetres and she'll be bewildered altogether.

We had a fruit cake when we got married 20 years ago. My mother made it and watered it liberally with brandy in the months before the wedding. It was gorgeous. Gorgeous on the outside too, a cake decorator did a wonderful job with the outside with handmade roses. It was lovely to pass on slices to say thank you to people who had given us presents but weren't at our wedding.

Have a lovely day

@Aderyn19 This is exactly what I thought before I got married which is why I tolerated my dh giving into his parents so much. However while my dh is a good husband his pandering to his parents has caused me a lot of unhappiness. I wished I'd put my foot down about certain things in our wedding now.

It's fairly normal for there to be a "kitchen cake" that is actually cut up into slices for guests at a wedding anyway so there's no reason this couldn't happen and then those who want fruit cake can have a piece without any fuss being made. No reason for it to be displayed with the proper one or anything.

My friend’s mil tried to interfere with her wedding at every turn. My friend and her husband ordered a pork pie wedding cake (a fancy pie cake with 3 tiers). The entire day was sort of vintage theme in a lovely venue, the cake was strangely very in keeping with the theme. Her mil wasn’t at all happy though as she wanted it to be a more refined event and tried to make them order a fancy wedding cake as well. She was told the pie IS the cake.

So the day arrives and I walked into the room where we were eating after the ceremony, there on the table is the pie cake all decorated with Mr and Mrs X sign etc (looked amazing), then behind it on a table at the back is a wedding cake?! I didn’t know about cake gate at this point and so said to my friend why are there 2 cakes I thought your pie was the cake? She said what you on about? So she went and looked and yep her mil had ordered her own wedding cake and had it delivered to the venue without telling them 😆. Cake cutting came and they cut the pie ignoring the fancy wedding cake. Unfortunately as part of the wedding menu there was also afternoon tea with a selection of cakes so there was just piles and piles of cake. They really didn’t need more cake.

What I’m trying to say is even if you say no (like my friend did) chances are a cheap Asda cake will “appear” on a table. My mate just chose to act like the cake wasn’t there and wouldn’t even take a picture with it!! It’s better to just let them get on with it for silly things like this, failing that you’ll have a hilarious story about the extra cake your batty mother in law insisted on buying!

Aderyn, in my case my dh treats his mother very well and does everything to make her happy and is always considerate to her. However this is often at the detriment to mine and our children's feelings. It's easier to let us down than it is his mother. So whilst being caring towards your mother is a lovely trait, it doesn't always signify that a man will make a good husband.

For my wedding cake the top 2 tiers were fruit cake and the large bottom one was sponge.

I kept the top tier at my eldest's naming ceremony (had a botton tier of sponge made for that too). Then those who liked fruit cake had that and those sponge had that at the wedding. The fruit cake was also good for the few elderly relatives that I sent some to.

If you are not going to keep your top tier could you make that fruit cake for the guests that enjoy traditional wedding cake?

The casual ageism on this thread is depressing. Women do not become mad old bats just by dint of being middle-aged or mothers-in-law. There are plenty of pushy, bossy, interfering people of both sexes in every age group.

Totally agree, it's not giving in, it's keeping the peace. And is the genuinely mature thing to do..... But there's no 'peace' needed to keep. It's a bloody fruit cake the bride and groom don't want, there's no need or issue that the MIL needs to get involved in, just a 'oh thanks but no thanks for your suggestion' the mil should accept this!

@SageRosemary - I had a fruit cake as the top tier - each tier was on its own section of the cake stand.

I wouldn't let it go. Give her an inch and she'll take a mile. She will see this as a victory and continue to push for what she wants in other cases. And she'll know her son will give in for a quiet life. Clearly that doesn't apply to you though which would really annoy me.

I'd use this to set a precedence that your wedding and your life will be run your way, not hers.

'Your fiancé needs to man up far more when it comes to his mother; he is really afraid of her isn't he?'

If my mum requested a bit of fruit cake on my wedding day hell would freeze over before I said no, and not because I'm afraid of her, because I love her and I'm not weird.

@UndertheCedartree - ah, yes, that's the modern way - forgot about those stands, in my head I always picture stacked cakes!

This has made me think actually. No one I know likes fruit cake but as a child, all the cakes were fruit. A friend had one at her wedding a few years ago and I did feel sad for her as almost all of the cake was left over at the end of the night as no one had any. We had three sponge layers, all a different flavour and my nan did mention fruit cake, but acknowledged herself that no one had it anymore. I wonder when the shift happened.

Anyway. I think with MILs like this it is about picking your hill to die on. I would provide a cut up fruit cake at the end of the table and have the sponge as the wedding cake in prime position. Then whenever she tries to impose, point out she is getting the fruitcake, so that was her contribution.

I had a MIL like this first time round and I played the long game so when I eventually put my foot down about something everyone acknowledged how I had always been reasonable in the past and MIL backed down.

Why would/should OP have to “compromise” at her own fucking wedding? It’s not her husband, it’s his bloody mother. Tell her to fuck off. If she wants fruit cake she can have one at home in the evening. She won’t be having any at YOUR wedding.

I had toffee, lemon and carrot cake! Was all delicious, I may have changed toffee to fruit (was the smallest tier) if my mum or dad requested it as they gave us £3000 towards our wedding. Otherwise I wouldn't really entertain someone dictating to us what we did or didn't have.

I'd let this go on the proviso that mil knows it will not be displayed with your cake.

BUT I'd make it clear to dp that this is the last time that she will decide anything about your wedding/relationship/children.

If she wants to make a suggestion then that's fine and he's to say "I'll talk it over with dw and get back to you" but he needs to know this is the last time she decides something.

Get him to practise saying "this is our wedding mum, we'll decide that!"

My wife and I had a three tier cake.

One Fruit.

One chocolate.

One plain Victoria sponge.

Everyone happy.

"Why would/should OP have to “compromise” at her own fucking wedding?"

Because, consider me am old fashioned, but I take the view that weddings shouldn't be all "me me me". IMO a wedding is a party given by the bride and groom to celebrate their marriage. As they are the hosts It is good manners to cater accordingly (within reason) for their guests.

There is another thread currently running where the OP has asked what makes a good wedding. The unanimous replies where basically that it is about making the guests feel welcome and looked after. It is not just about what the bride wants the bride gets.

As the OP will have the MIL in her life for what may be a long time I feel that to start off on the wrong footing will just cause problems later on.

As others have pointed out many times - is this really a hill worth dying on?

Why would/should OP have to “compromise” at her own fucking wedding?

Because the compromise in this case doesn't actually affect her or her plans at all, it just makes her MIL happy. Having a small extra non-wedding fruit cake available, cut up, for guests makes no difference to anyone but the MIL (and other fruit cake lovers).

No way should the OP change her actual wedding cake plans.

(Her and her DP's plans)

If one does mysteriously appear at the wedding you could have a game with it during the photos. Get the groomsmen to see who can hold it at arms length the longest. You know, seeing as they usually weigh about the same as a patio paving slab.

MIL is a cheeky interferer. But fruit cake is lovely and shouldn't be dry. I find it strange that so many people don't like it. A lot of sponge cakes seem very sweet to me and tradition used to be that a a layer was kept and some was posted which is a bit weird i suppose. Times and tastes change. Have what you like. Easy enough for guests to not eat cake rhey dislike.

Our cake was lovely, MIL made it . One sponge layer, one fruit - with "proper" royal icing not fondant (I hate fondant icing).

Both layers were sliced in the kitchens and plates of cut cake put in the middle of each table. So any fruit cake addition could be done very discreetly, no fuss needed.