MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

[WrackspurtsAndNargles62442]

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

I'd say treat MIL as you will your toddlers in the future ( :) ):

• Try to say 'yes' as often as possible - about things that don't matter.
• Save 'no' for the things that really matter to one of you AND BACK EACH OTHER UP.

How much does having a bit of fruit cake around on the day matter to you? Your cake will be the star. Don't build the dispute into a symbolic line in the sand if you don't really mind. Let her keep a tradition if it matters to her.

This doesn't have to be a 'cake or death' moment.:)

Just put the MIL fruit cake.right in front of her at the table where she will be sitting, maybe put her name on it as well.!

I like fruitcake, we had three tiers of sponge, fruitcake and chocolate, icing was white chocolate flavoured. We did have a lot of fruitcake left which was fine as I was eating it for the few weeks after

Tell your caterers/venue manager/wedding planner to lose the fruit cake on the day!!

@AnotherEmma yes, you're right, in hindsight it wasn't a good idea. We didn't actually invite her of course...

Instead of a bouquet for the mothers of the bride and groom you could present MIL with and individual fruit cake?

But you told her you were going and didn't correct her when she said she'd join you, I assume.

he isn't okay with it, he agreed for a quiet life! I don't think that's the same thing.

I think this is where the debate needs widening beyond cake. What is he like generally when she offers 'opinions'? If he stands up to her most of the time fair enough, if he always gives in for a quiet life, you've got bigger problems.

Either way I think I'd let her crack on with her cake. If he usually stands his/your joint ground, then this is a small gesture to let her have her own way (with all the provisos PPs have mentioned, it doesn't get put on the same table as the proper cake, she doesn't get a grand flourish cutting of the cake photo with it). However if giving in to keep the peace is a recurring pattern for him, I'd make it the start of a serious conversation with him that starts 'she can have what she wants this time, but in future....'. You need to get him on side now to establish that she won't get her own way over baby names, having her own key to your house and letting herself in whenever she wants, or any of the other things that lead to anguished MiL threads on here.

This isn't just about cake and weddings, this is about your whole life. Every Christmas, birthday, family wedding, funeral, pregnancy, child rearing.... all going to be hard work with a mummy's boy and an overbearing MIL. You need to have a serious think about what your marriage will be like and if it will last with outside interference.

To anyone under 40 fruitcake is about as popular at a wedding as the Hokey Cokey.

Knees bent
Arms stretched
Ra-ra-ra.

People serve fruit cake at weddings in the UK? That's just so many kinds of wrong.

The real problem is that this entitled, dictatorial attitude on her part will no doubt carry on long after the wedding, particularly if you have children. How far away does she live?

I agree with the PP. Your DH sounds like a man-child, letting his mummy overrule him and his future wife.

MIL and her friends can quite easily eat whatever kind of cake you have. MIL is trying to control you and DH. Don’t let her else you’ll regret it big-time. She’ll always know best, she’ll always do what you asked her not to in the guise of ‘just trying to help’.

It’s your wedding. You choose. Full stop. She can make suggestions, but you and DH should choose what you want. She (presumably) had her wedding, now it’s your turn to have yours just the way you wish.

@1Wildheartsease's advice is absolutely spot-on.

Having an additional fruitcake avaliable is not particularly unreasonable in itself. Many people like it and it was the tradition until quite recently as it is stronger to build the tiers up with and lasts longer. We did actually have the top tier at DS1's Christening 18m later, and had wedding cake through the first year after it was well wrapped up. Surplus sponge cake will be in the bin within a week.

Anyway the real issue is boundaries. Don't give her the leverage to stick her oar in. You need a consensus with DH about what is acceptable for her to voice an opinion in (whether it is accepted or not...) and what is not negotiable and not to be encouraged. Stage 1 interfering is for the wedding. Stage 2 is the grandchildren where the stakes are higher and longer lasting.

I love fruitcake.

Not helpful I know.

"MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?"

She should be doing no such thing; this is about her and says an awful lot about her as well.

Your fiancé needs to man up far more when it comes to his mother; he is really afraid of her isn't he?. He seems to be far more afraid of her than he ever would be of upsetting you and his primary loyalty now should be to you, his future wife, rather than his mother.
Is she the sort of woman too who gets upset at the supposed drop of a hat or is adept to turn on the waterworks and manipulate him even more?. Probably hence his appeasement.

Do not let this go and certainly do not try and appease her/let this go to keep the peace. This is your wedding day; assert your own wishes strongly and have firm and consistent boundaries in place re his mother. This is what she is really like (ie overbearing and selfish) so start as you mean to go on with her.

Let her crack on. You might find that when the fruit cake devotees see the wedding cake they break rank and grab a slice of that instead - the rebels!!!

I must be a tremendously formidable person because I never have this problem with people just not letting things drop. It gets raised once, I say no, and that’s the end of it. I’m always geared up for a full-on Mumsnet style war, and it just never happens. Maybe all my relatives have a little list of wrongs I’ve committed that they are storing up and I’ll be murdered in my bed one night.

However, if I was in this position I wouldn’t fanny about appeasing the old bat with extra cutting cake. And I definitely wouldn’t let her bring her own just in case she made the whole bloody thing about her cake and spent the entire day demanding that proceedings stop while a table and knife are found, photos taken, etc. And as amusing as it might sound to give her lots of rope to look like a dick in front of everyone, it’s not really how you want your wedding to be remembered.
I’d just say, yes you’re absolutely right, MIL, we’ll have fruit cake. And then “forget” and order the cake I wanted. There’s nothing she can do once she finds out on the day except moan, and you’ll be too busy to hear it.

Thanks @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius - the advice on toddlers was stolen from 'How not to be a perfect mother' and made life so much better for me after months of saying 'no' (or as it was interpreted: 'fight me toddler') all day!

Often, winning a war is about standing together... and picking your battles carefully.

I can see the mentality surrounding letting her away with it... but imo, this is the wrong thing to do.

You need to be assertive and stand firm. You both don't like fruit cake, so don't have it. She can cry about it but she needs to catch a grip. She'll never catch a grip if you don't tell her to quit it.

I'd rather step in, say no, and deal with a minor fall out over a cake, and start teaching her that her interference isn't going to get anywhere, than let her away with little things and then, bam, it's a big thing and you have a war on your hands.

Get boundaries sorted before you get married and have kids. A cake isn't a particularly emotive topic, but how you parent will be. Sort it now.

Spike her cake with horse laxative -any vets handy on the guest list?

@1Wildheartsease's advice is absolutely spot-on

I agree, and so is HepburnKNotA's. Some of the suggestions on here are just silly and immature.

However, I am getting a little irritated at the ageism shown towards people who like fruit cake
I am 61 and don’t even like fruit cake, but please be less rude about people of a certain age who do like it.

Totally agree, it's not giving in, it's keeping the peace. And is the genuinely mature thing to do

I agree HepburnKNotA, but there are a lot of confrontational posters on this thread who can’t see that.

I wouldn't care about this at all.

I love fruitcake. I just love all types of cake but this saga is NOT about the fruitcake at all. It's about future MIL wanting control of the situation and wanting her way. Tell her to jog on now OP otherwise you will be creating a monster. And no sane person will care about the lack of fruitcake. As long as people are offered cake then they will be happy.

You can judge a man by how he treats his mother. I'd value a man who cared about her happiness and wanted her to feel part of his wedding. And it is just a cake, unless you want to make it more. Agreeing to this does not equate to letting her choose the name of your firstborn!
Your dp probably agreed because it's no big deal in his head - you've loaded it with other meaning.