MIL insisting on fruit cake for wedding

[WrackspurtsAndNargles62442]

Yes, another MIL (-to-be) thread, sorry. MIL does, I believe, have her heart in the right place but can be quite overbearing/interfering. This has been particularly apparent as we've been planning our wedding e.g. saying 'don't invite this distant family member you've never met' as if it should have crossed our minds to (it didn't), or bumping into an old, no longer in contact friend of DP and telling him to expect an invite! She came to a wedding fair with us and proceeded to point out all the stools we should go to, who to speak to and not etc. I deliberately didn't invite her to come wedding dress shopping (though I know she expected to be) because I knew no-one else would get a word in edgeways and I'd be pressured into trying on dresses I didn't like.
Anyway, the latest thing is the cake. We've found a lovely lady who makes gorgeous looking cakes and she's coming round tonight with samples for us to taste! We've asked to try flavours we like ourselves but of course also considered what will be popular with guests. One thing we've said we don't want, however, is fruit cake - neither of us like it and the vast majority of our guests don't either - the exception being MIL and a couple of grandparents. Obviously we don't want to pay for something that caters to only a few people (especially as I'm sure they would be fine with something else). MIL has now said she is going to go to the supermarket and buy a fruitcake for guests to have on the day. DP has 'allowed' this to, in his words, keep her happy.
AIBU to feel really annoyed about this? I know it seems fairly trivial on the surface but to me it's a symbol of her interference and inability to let us decide things for ourselves. Would IBU to tell her we don't want her buying a cheap supermarket cake when we're having a lovely one made? Or would you just let this one go for the sake of peace?

The elderly people getting a free three course meal with some drinks? @GCAcademic* I think they should be bloody grateful and pop into the shop after the wedding to indulge in fruit cake if they honestly can't live without it.

At my DDs wedding it was the elderly people who were most generous with presents, to the point that DD and her husband were quite shocked. Providing them with a bit of cake doesn't seem that big a deal. You sound like you despise the elderly.

Providing them with a bit of cake doesn't seem that big a deal

They ARE getting cake.

What is it with the idiots bleating on about "the elderly"?

@Thesunrising
Fruit cake and a ripe cheddar. Absolutely the best finish to a wedding breakfast.

Anyone attending a wedding who would be 'upset' at not having fruit cake, is a bloody fruitcake.

Just have the cake you want, maybe go for fruitcake as a top tier, but if you don’t want to then don’t. You need to stand your ground here

Who are these people making dry fruit cakes?! I love fruit cake precisely because it's not dry.

Sponge is a bit meh. Can be quite dry and cloying in the mouth.

My wedding cake was a lovely fruit cake with a sponge middle tier, so there was a choice.

The elderly people getting a free three course meal with some drinks? @GCAcademic I think they should be bloody grateful and pop into the shop after the wedding to indulge in fruit cake if they honestly can't live without it.

I wouldn't expect people to be "bloody grateful" to be fed at my wedding. I'd be bloody grateful that they'd come, and if I was lucky enough to have grandparents alive at my wedding (I wasn't), I would have done what I could to keep them happy. The price of a fruit cake cutting bar from M&S is a very small one to pay. No one is saying they "can't live without it".

Anyone making someone else's wedding about themselves has a problem. I really don't understand adults who can't attend a wedding or funeral without making a fuss.

My mum insisted on fruit cake but I hate it!! We had a tiered cake so we had chocolate as the main tier which we actually served as dessert then a small tier of fruit for my mum to give to friends or take home. This worked really well.

They ARE getting cake. OK providing them with cake you know they like. Is that OK with you?

Weddings I go to children are catered for, special menu, colouring books etc, young people are catered for - maybe a disco or band. Why the hell can't an older person say they'd like a piece of fruit cake.

Have boundaries, fair enough, interfering with venue, dress etc isn't on but some fruit cake? Some people have very little to worry about - Australia is burning, Africa has plagues of locusts, China has the coronavirus, mumsnet has fruitcakegate.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if anyone else has suggested this - but in your place, @WrackspurtsAndNargles62442, I'd tell her you'll sort out the cake, and get your cake maker to make her a special little fruit cake, just for her and those other guests who'd like it.

That way, you can make sure it is decorated to your taste, and matches your proper wedding cake, and your MIL will be happy too. And if it is made by your baker, you can ask her to feed it and put plenty of fruit in, so it will be much nicer than a bought cake from M&S.

This way, I don't think it would take anything away from your wedding or your cake, but would add on a little extra that would keep the peace with your MIL.

Obviously, if she is an utter nightmare of a MIL, don't do this - previous posters are right that it would just encourage her - but if she is, in general a nice person, and you get on well with her, it might be worth giving a bit in this specific instance.

Also - to all the posters who have said fruit cake is dry and nasty - you've never tasted my Christmas cake! Admittedly it is pretty alcoholic, because I soak the fruit in brandy for a couple of weeks before making it, and then feed the cake with more brandy several times before marzipanning and icing it - and I put in loads of fruit, in an all-butter cake mix - and it is moist and delicious, I promise. Fruit cake doesn't have to be dry or dull.

Fruit cake if amazing. it lasts forever, it hols together well and my mouth is watering just thinking about it.

Anyway, let her buy a cake. Life is too short. Stand your ground on other things. if you do not want her to buy a cheap cake, find one that looks nice and ask her to pay for it and put it on the buffet table or whatever.

Honestly, life may well throw a lot of things at your marriage in the future, don't give in to your MIL but make her your friend and ally. You may be a MIL one day yourself! Have a great day.

I haven't read all the thread yet. Initially I thought it's only a cake and it really doesn't matter. I had the cake I wanted, made by MIL but she decorated it wrong and I had to let it go. I then didn't get any and the second tier went off before we could eat it. Hence me saying it doesn't matter.

Having said all that she is behaving really badly. Do not allow her to buy anything. Tell your fiancé to make his choice and I hope things go well.

Now to read the rest .

Kind of wondering if MIL is planning to bring other food for guests that don't like what you are serving....

sandycloud that is far too reasonable. You realise your mother will now take over your life, you're doomed. Your husband has a wife problem, she will claim your first born and all sorts of biblical catastrophes will follow - you let your mother have fruit cake at your wedding.

Not aimed at you OP, you asked a question and people went mad.

My own mum did this at my wedding! At being told that we were not having a fruit cake, she then baked her own wedding cake and set it up on display in one of the wedding reception venue rooms
It looked like a melted snowman.

I asked her to take it away at the end of the day, no one ate it.

I love fruit cake - and I'd be gutted if I were served chocolate cake (yuck) instead! But if she's such a stickler for tradition, tell her that it's the bride's parents who host the wedding -and choose the cake. And who on earth takes their future MIL to choose the dress? I've never heard of that.

Kind of wondering if MIL is planning to bring other food for guests that don't like what you are serving Yes if you let her have fruit cake she will probably turn up with saucepans of stew, or maybe set up a BBQ and start cooking sausages. Bit far fetched?

I had a similar situation at my wedding 10 years ago. My in-laws are generally lovely (not my FIL...he's a complete prick) but as soon as we got engaged they started interfering with our arrangements. They wanted to ok the entire guest list and tried to reduce it down by getting rid of some of my guests, even though the guest list was 70/30 in their favour. They insisted on reorganising the table plan so that all their family and friends were nearest the top table and my guests at the back (I reorganised it back to how we'd originally wanted). They didn't like the food we chose, they didn't like my colour scheme, they didn't like the colour of my dress (it had to be white rather than ivory), they didn't like the photographer etc etc. Every decision we made they would advise us against relentlessly or find alternative options. It's was exhausting. Dh and I both decided on a chocolate rather than fruit cake for the wedding, traditionally iced and decorated with fresh flowers. My MIL was outraged that it wasn't a fruit cake and continuously tried to get us to change our mind. We were very clear that we weren't going to pay hundreds of pounds on a cake that would barely be eaten by the guests and neither of us would eat. When she saw that we wouldn't back down she started going on about the fresh flowers ruining the icing and making the cake inedible. Anyway this went on and on and we refused to change our plans, and she went around all the cake bakers in the area trying to gather evidence from them that the fresh flowers would wreck the cake. Anyway, on the day the cake looked beautiful but it was covered in plastic flowers. It turned out that she had contacted my cake maker and told him to put plastic flowers in it. The cake maker had assumed the order came from me (MiL told him that I'd asked her to do this) and so he did as asked. I was furious but bit my tongue because I didn't want to start marriage on a bad note.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that over the last 10 years my in-laws have tried to impose their will on us over and over again. They have chipped away at us over every situation/decision we've had to make, no matter how big or small, and think that they have some say in how we live our lives. After my FIL and MIL came round at 11pm the day after I gave birth (after a long traumatic labour) to convince us we'd chosen the wrong name for our baby, I have gradually started fighting back. It's taken 6 years but my MiL has gradually stopped trying to control our lives and we get on really well now we both have established our relationship with each other and our roles in the family. My relationship with my FIL is a lost cause though as he still tries to interfere with everything we ever do, and now he's trying to do the same with my dc. We're NC now.

OP, you need to draw your line in the sand now before you get married and make it clear to your dh2b that you aren't going to spend a lifetime giving into your MIL's demands just to have an easy life, because it will escalate, especially if you have children. I'm not saying you need to kick a fuss up about this particular situation about the cake, but if it isn't this then it will be something else and you need to stand your ground when it matters. So if you think the cake situation is going to haunt you after you're married then stand your ground now. If you don't think it will matter in the long run then wait until the situation is more important to you and then stand your ground. Either way, you need to speak to your dh2b now about your expectations of your future marriage.

If you are having a tiered cake simply get the top small layer made of fruit cake then have the rest how you like.

You sound like you despise the elderly.

And you sound as unpleasant and stuck up and the MIL. My sympathies to your SIL.

ddraigygoch well if it sounds unpleasant to let someone have a piece of cake they like fair enough. My SIL told my DD that if they divorce he wants it agreed that he keeps me so I think you can keep your sympathies.

www.marksandspencer.com/classic-rose-golden-fruit/p/p60078009?image=SD_FD_F09A_00082556_NC_X_EC_0&prevPage=srp

Get this and get M&S to write on it.

The real cake is over there.------->>>>>>

We had main cake on display. Then fruit cake in kitchen to be cut up and served so guests had a choice but didnt see it.