Mother using reins AIBU

[crispysausagerolls]

To preface this - I have no issue with reins! I am not sure I see the point of them; but that is probably because DS doesn’t need them. I’m sure they are one of those things that are a blessing if you have a runner!

DS is 18 months old and we live in a village. He’s as good as gold with holding my hand when he is walking. He is also at the perfect height now that means this does not require any bending or contortion. My mother has him for one afternoon a week (I’m a SAHM - this is just for a break for me but also because she adores him and loves having him. I know on MN this is seen as “childcare“ Aka put up and shut up, but honestly I could afford a nanny for this afternoon, my mother would just be heartbroken. And I think it’s lovely that they spend time together/are so close). Sorry for rambling, just want to give the context.

Anyway she casually mentioned this week that she uses reins when she has him. I really don’t like this - mostly because he doesn’t need them and I think it’s confusing/don’t want him to lose his good habits re hand holding! And he’s looking for the reins when he wants to go out apparently which also does feel a little like my spaniel searching for his lead 🙈 But she’s very sensitive so don’t want to upset her. I wanted to check with everyone on here before I raise it as I am sure it’s possible I am being very unreasonable and should just leave it.

Honestly if IAMBU that’s fine! I really do not know!

My 9 month old is just starting to take her first few steps, we got her some reins straight away. It means she can toddle around where she likes without me having to be bent double holding her hands or falling over constantly. She runs around the paddock now with me holding them following behind. It gives us both a bit of confidence.

Also means that she will be used to them as she gets older, i would never not use them, it only takes a second for an accident to happen.

Anyone who says they ‘dont like reins’ is ridiculous. What is there not to like about someone keeping their child safe? There’s nothing unlikeable, it’s ridiculous!
‘Teaching’ kids the rules of walking nicely in the ovement etc is all well and good but children are unpredictable. You can teach them rules about never having a tantrum too but doesn’t mean it won’t happen!!
Also, if people yank children back by the reins, it’s generally because they are about to get in to danger/trouble the same way you’d yank them by the hand or coat hood if they stepped in to the road.
Glad to see you’ve understood why your mum wants to use them OP.

I used a wrist band with dd. Mine slipped onto my wrist and hers attached with Velcro. I found it safer than reins because I didn’t have to hold anything and we were attached together. Also easier than reins, which look like a faff to me.

The 7% who think I was not being unreasonable are being very quiet! Are they just non rein fans?

Another reins fan here. I used them with all my children, starting from when they were able to toddle outside. The reins were a good safety thing then, as PPs have said. I used the basic non-rucksack type reins.

One of my DCs was very obedient and never tried to run off, but she still wore reins. It was a precaution and gave me peace of mind. I still held their hands when they had reins on.

OP, I don’t think your mum using reins will confuse your DS at all. Personally, I’d be happy she was so safety-conscious (not saying you aren’t). Also, if you later choose to use reins yourself, he’ll be used to them 👍

Reins are fab and I wish more people would use them.

YABU, I’d have an 18 month old on reins too or in a stroller, especially if not my own child. Your child is extra safe in someone else’s care I doubt one afternoon a week using reins will confuse him.

It always strikes me as ironic that a poster posting on MN saying someone in the street looked at their child, or commented on their child's extreme beauty, or sat next to them on a park bench is told to ring 999 and demand a paedophile investigation, whereas the far more likely scenario of a small child wriggling free from its adults handhold while the adult is distracted, or randomly dashing into the road after a leaf is met by a chorus of " putting a child in reins is treating it like a dog".

Conveniently forgetting of course that many dogs behave like 2 year olds and run off, dash into the road etc, which is why sensible people put their child dogs on leads reins ...............

'People who used them for children - what age did they stop? Like when did you feel you could trust them not to run'

There's no specific age. You will honestly just 'know'. If there are niggling doubts then you know it's not time yet. You might also find that you don't need them in every situation. It's one of those things that you can play by ear a little bit.

I see you've already decided not to talk to your mum OP, just another person here to add this scenario:

When DS was 18 months we attached reins to him but still held his hand (so more of a safety net just in case he ever bolted but not reliant on the reins to keep him close). We stopped using them after a while because he was golden, always asked to hold our hands and wouldn't walk if he wasn't! Fast forward to age 2.5 and he is the opposite, won't hold hands for love nor money and has a tendency to run towards anything that takes his interest... I'm going to dig the reins out again! 😂

My DS actually enjoyed it when I used the reins because they felt more free to walk along independently without the pain of holding my hand. He would skip along. I had a small baby when he was 2 and he was super active so couldn’t risk it. Honestly I think this is a fashion thing. When I was young reins were always used. My mum finds it so odd that they have now gone out of fashion. Same thing with dummies. They used to be so frowned upon. My mum didn’t use them because of that. When we had kids she said sod that for a laugh. Use the damn things if it helps you out. Mums get a hard time as it is without all this judgement. And by the way on the dummy thing (altho I know this is about reins!) my friend didn’t use them and now has kids who suck their thumbs age 8 and 10 and need dental work. In hindsight she kicks herself. As I am sure you would if your child ran away from your mum and got run over.

I remember being on reins and my sister. I personally never minded them I think I was on them till maybe nearly 4?

I think my sister is scarred by the time my DM clipped her onto a road sign and left her there for 2 mins when she was having a tantrum! I never did this though because I didn’t want to associate anything bad with something safe

My mil uses reins with my daughter, so does my mum. I dont.
They are both terrified she will run away- so I bought reins. They are happy, I'm happy, daughter is happy.

OP she just wants to ensure your DS is safe, I'd let this go if I were you.

I don't personally understand the dislike of reins, partly my age maybe as I'm my 50s and they were a common sight when I was younger, but also I personally think it's worth the downsides for the added safety they provide.

I don't like reins at all and would never use them (3 dc close in age were all fine without it). I respect that people want to keep their children safe, but for us it just wouldn't have added anything at all in terms of safety. Difficult to explain but I can't think of a single time when reins would have made life with toddlers easier.

For this reason I obviously understand where OP is coming from, but I still do think it's a bit unreasonable to worry... If this makes your mum feel more comfortable, just let her use them. Really no need at all to worry about dc being confused and losing his good hand holding habits because of this.

A) you are worrying over nothing
B) Your child is too young to be a runner
When my child was 2.5 she ran all the time. She ran while her 3 brothers and 2 grandparents were watching her at Rhyl. They had helicopters out looking for her. I thought she was dead.
I had her on reins after that, clipped to an extendable dog-lead!
Looked ridiculous, and I dare say I was judged by snooty mums, but I remember that feeling when I saw that helicopter swooping over the sea, looking for a body in the water, and I preferred to keep her close.
She's 19 now. I'm on the lookout for a gadget that will do the opposite. Suggestions on a postcard please

@Branches1 I had a friend with 2 kids who also couldn’t understand why I had a stairgate. Then she gave birth to her third who was a bolter and got it.

I also know of the MN user who's husband didn't use reins. They aren't essential but they are a great comfort to some people and children can bolt at any second. Sometimes I'm paying and am fiddling with loading things into my handbag and knowing I have my child on reigns and the loop slipped over my hand gives me a comfort. It is actually impossible to watch a toddler 100% of the time. Even a split second to wave to a friend or to pick up a dropped item. If your mother takes comfort then you should allow this. Maybe she doesn't feel as agile or her back isn't suited to holding tightly to his hand for every moment.
I also don't buy the fact he spends 6 days with you but you're concerned he's going to lose his good hand holding etiquette for one afternoon in reins.

We had reins for our son, but still held hands, he was a proper little so and so and would twist out of your hand so fast to sprint off somewhere, the reins gave us something else to grab!

It’s not a case of whether your son needs reins or not it’s a case of whether the person caring for him likes to use them.

She’s older than you, she may be worried she can’t react as quickly if he bolts and she doesn’t know him as well as you, plus is she taller than you meaning she’d have to bend awkwardly to hold his hand? Is she arthritic and her hands hurt/don’t grip as well? These would all be considerations for my mum. Even for me actually! I’m 47, disabled and couldn’t run after a toddler if my life or theirs depended on it! Several of my friends have in the last few years become grandmothers (and yes I think we’re far too young 😂) and even the ones that aren’t disabled would admit they can’t move as fast or react as fast as they used to. Age creeps up on you.

PLUS children behave differently with different care givers - generally it’s the other way around, they’ll push their luck with parents and behave well for others BUT that’s not always the case. Sometimes they’ll play up occasional carers more. They’re fickle buggers toddlers!

I see someone has already referenced the mner who’s husband refused to use reins on their child who ran into the road and was hit by a car and died.

Personally I think more parents should use reins, when I’ve been out and about I see a LOT of parents not paying full attention to their dc, I’ve lost count the amount of times I’ve stopped a young child running into the road or off in a shopping mall way past where parents can see them, or away off down the street and around a corner again where the parents can’t see them.

More often than not parents have their nose in their phone!

I wonder if the reduced use of reins has led to increased rate of kids hit by cars?

As a nanny, mother and childminder I’ve used reins, they don’t in my experience and opinion do any harm to the child but very likely prevent them from becoming harmed.

I’ve cared for many children and it’s the ones you don’t expect to that can really catch you off guard! The regular bolters you get used to and tend to naturally keep a closer eye on, the rare bolters are the ones that catch you out! The ones that are normally good as gold but spot someone they love which they usually don’t when out and head straight for them, or get startled by an unusual noise, I had one was usually good as gold but took fright at a ships horn as they’d just moved to our area and weren’t used to that noise (they weren’t a frequent occurrence, more in the summer) his startled response was to get away from the awful loud noise by attempting to head straight across a wide, busy, fast moving road! Without reins I dread to think what could have happened especially as I had 2 other mindees with me.

And I was much younger, fitter and more speedy then! Many toddlers put usain bolt to shame!

“Don't reins have the potential to cause walking issues?” Like what?

“Your good as gold, predictable boy may change horses mid-stream on you and morph into Usain Bolt by 20 months. Nothing is linear with small children. Nothing!” Absolutely, they go through phases and being a bolter can be one and can come out the blue!

“I am curious though about bolters - if you have their hand in a vice like grip can they still get it out?!”
Yep! You’d be surprised how strong and wriggly they can be. Plus very small hands can be hard to get a good grip on

@puddlelane123 as an ex nurse I well remember seeing/treating a toddler who’d bolted into the road and was seriously injured having been hit by “just” a pedal cycle! He’d hit his head on the kerb as he went down and cracked his skull open, and had other injuries from the bike and cyclist landing on him, the mum was very clear straight away that the cyclist couldn’t possibly have avoided what happened the child had pretty much “jumped” right in front of him! The cyclist felt awful. It doesn’t need to be a car or worse that hits them.

“Absolutely. They were pretty much used as standard in the 1970s and everyone in their 40s now has to crawl everywhere. It's outrageous. None of us knows how to walk at all.” 😂Exactly!

Me and my 2 siblings had reins used on us, we’re all big fans of walking even now (or I would be if I weren’t housebound). I didn’t pass my driving test till dd was nearly 5 anyway so it was walking, buggies and buses for us when she was this age. Reins are a lot easier than a buggy when it comes to travelling by bus or train and juggling shopping etc

I think they allow children to develop their walking more quickly to be honest, they’re walking more “normally” with reins on than they are hand holding which is a totally
different position, they’re not “leaning” on the hand holder - physically OR psychologically, they can trip occasionally if they’re not paying full attention - may temporarily hurt but doesn’t cause serious harm and teaches them to pay attention, there’s a level of independence they don’t have with hand holding which again allows for teaching them what not to do when out and about “no don’t touch the broken glass/fag butts/dog poo!” And what they CAN do “yes that’s a beautiful leaf/flower/old stick let’s take it home and make something with it”, they can carry a drink or snack, can carry a toy if they wish...

There are huge issues now with children not walking enough, not only obesity but general lack of fitness, lack of road sense, lack of confidence in getting to new places etc we could do with children walking a lot more than they do currently for a lot of reasons.

My dd walks EVERYWHERE, she weirdly has NO patience for waiting for buses/trains (to the point even when she HAS to get one she times it she gets to the stop/station just in time so she’s not waiting more than 5 mins) especially if the weather is pleasant. Her peers rarely walk and she gets frustrated with them as they’re often late for things because they rely on our (locally very poor) public transport and it messes up plans, but also several of them are overweight but as they’re now past school age (just) they’re now getting NO regular exercise at all, their choice BUT they also constantly complain about being overweight/unfit!

So yes I don’t see the use of reins has had a negative effect on me, my siblings or my daughter or my siblings kids or many friends and their kids that had reins used on them.

Actually thinking about it the ones I know for definite did have reins used are the most active and generally fit people I know, maybe because they had parents that walked a lot? Hadn’t thought about that before.

Not really reins related (done to death) but on the subject of Grandparents looking after DC, I was always very tolerant of my MIL's eccentric child care, my children understood from an early age that what they get away with at Grandma's would not be allowed at home, the only time I felt the need to step in was to ask her to stop giving them Ribena (no suger free in those days) with a couple of teaspoons of sugar stirred in for good measure

@Expo we definitely had stairgates, that's a must in my book! Speaking of which my MIL once watched one of them when they were a toddler - in a 5 storey house with not a single stair gate (it was a nervous 24h). The opposite of OP's safety conscious mum

I wiah more parents would use them to be honest - as well as hand holding etc not instead of - why it gives other road users some certainty around what kids will do - so you children like under 3s won't be dashing out to run aftr things or away from things, They learn to stay near the people they are with etc

My view would be she is older, maybe less likely to want to make a mad dash to rescue him, doesn't trust him as much as you, doesn't have him as often and wants to make doubly sure he is safe - I would just ask her to keep up the good practice of hand holding when crossing roads or near main roads as well

I don't understand the objection to reins. Toddlers can easily slip their little hands out if yours and run into the road. Mine were both 'bolters' and would have done this while giggling.
Also reins save them from falling over. Toddlers aren't much good at putting their hands down to protect them when running and they can fall forward onto forehead. Reins protect them from this as they pick up from the middle of child giving stability.

YABU. Your DM has done her personal risk assessment and is safeguarding your precious child. I plan to do exactly the same!

A toddler's mother is young and fit enough to sprint after a bolting child; their grandmother is likely to be less so. I used reins on my twins and they gave me peace of mind in a market town with 60cm wide pavements, even if they wrapped me around a lamp post or two.

I previously heard about @MrsPresley plight to always use reins and I do!
Genuinely do not get the big deal? My daughter used them for about 8 months and now walks, holding hands, waiting for the green man, listening for cars etc all which was ingrained into her when on the reins. My 18m walks pretty well and has used reins for months.
Our roads are so busy and cars speed a lot of the time. Can't predict the traffic or children!