Mother using reins AIBU

[crispysausagerolls]

To preface this - I have no issue with reins! I am not sure I see the point of them; but that is probably because DS doesn’t need them. I’m sure they are one of those things that are a blessing if you have a runner!

DS is 18 months old and we live in a village. He’s as good as gold with holding my hand when he is walking. He is also at the perfect height now that means this does not require any bending or contortion. My mother has him for one afternoon a week (I’m a SAHM - this is just for a break for me but also because she adores him and loves having him. I know on MN this is seen as “childcare“ Aka put up and shut up, but honestly I could afford a nanny for this afternoon, my mother would just be heartbroken. And I think it’s lovely that they spend time together/are so close). Sorry for rambling, just want to give the context.

Anyway she casually mentioned this week that she uses reins when she has him. I really don’t like this - mostly because he doesn’t need them and I think it’s confusing/don’t want him to lose his good habits re hand holding! And he’s looking for the reins when he wants to go out apparently which also does feel a little like my spaniel searching for his lead 🙈 But she’s very sensitive so don’t want to upset her. I wanted to check with everyone on here before I raise it as I am sure it’s possible I am being very unreasonable and should just leave it.

Honestly if IAMBU that’s fine! I really do not know!

Don't let it get to you. These aggressive replies that infer all sorts of badness are why I don't like coming on here. Too weird. Having said that, yes to reins, lol!

@User12879923378

Yes! Thank you! That in a nutshell 🙈😂

I'm visualising the little leather, felt lined sort of reins which toddler wore many years ago.Are the newer backpack type ones as safe .As you've acknowledged your mother is doing a great job and your child is very precious so it wouldn't bother me.

I have the same relationship with my mum as you have - don't need the childcare but enable the relationship with my DCs and my folks as something worthwhile for them. I'm 11 years in now and it has really paid off.

Just as a word of advice - I always have a 'mum's house, mum's rules' policy when they go off to my folks' house and it works really well. My mum tends to bow to the rules I have them and sometimes I do text her to say, "By the way, can you try to not let them do any gaming since they have agreed to only do it X times this week and have already reached their limit". She'll reply something like "Righto, is it ok if they watch TV at some point though", which of course is fine.

I think if you can set yourself a policy like that at this young age (of your son) then you have a structure in place for anytime you see your mum do something that's different from how you'd do it. You can just silently shrug to yourself and think 'mum's house, mum's rules' and let it slide.

could you get one of those wrist links so she's still connected but not full on reins?

At 18 months my son walked nicely by two he was a fucking nightmare

This is exactly what I was going to say. It's like tiny puppies (I have a spaniel too, she's 6 months now) when she was tiny she'd keep close to me, taking it all in, trotting along and follow me everywhere - now she sprints off like lightening and getting her back on the lead is becoming difficult.

By age 2, DS suddenly had this HUGE confidence and energy, coupled with this cheeky "Look at meeee I'm running away, hahaha can't catch me.. I'm going!!" going on. You can talk about road safety until you're blue in the face to a 2 year old but they will not get it. Well maybe some will.... mine did not. Or didn't care. He was straight in the dino backpack reins (very cute! ) He still does it randomly now at 3.5 (as do the other 3-4 yos in Nursery - bolting off out of the gate!) but as he's understanding rules and punishments bribes and threats a lot better he stays with me more. I very firmly hold his hand near roads/crossing, which sometimes ends up with him twisting and falling to the floor howling - and plenty of disapproving tuts and stares. This is why I also still use a mountain buggy because we do a ton of walking near main roads and some days I haven't got time/energy/cba with it. You do what you do to make it easier for yourself and safer for them. I love your mums attitude and getting him used to reins AND hand holding now is a good idea!

I put my eldest on reins after he run away one day into a road when he was two. I was holding his hand, also baby wearing DD1 on my back and DD2 on my front so I was pretty weighted down. He just slipped away and legged it, I ran as fast as I could after him and was shouting at him to stop but he managed to make it to the middle of the road before I got him. It scared me so much he was on reins until I could trust him again. I did feel a little bit like he was a pet dog but it gave me peace of mind.

I don’t think they’re a bad thing at all, they can be a lot safer in many ways. What I do think is bad is seeing Mother’s rag the toddler back by the ‘lead’ as you would a dog. I have witnessed this and it’s really horrid.

Also I wanted to add that my DS was an angel too, he really was. I could take him anywhere and he very rarely complained, I never ever would have had him down as a ‘runner’ but he just did that one day, I still shudder a little remembering it because the outcome could’ve been so much worse.

namechange8765456

Excellent advice thank you.

@Streamside

Yes, they are those leather ones. They look really nice.

I've personally never considered not using them. From the second my daughter was toddling outside of the house she had a set of reins on. She holds my hand the vast majority of the time when she has them on anyways and they've saved her from some nasty falls because I could catch her before she landed.

Yes, I remember watching her wobbling about about ten months ago and thinking that at her very slow wobbly speed there wasn't really any danger of her being able to evade me long enough to get to the road, whereas if I yanked her back by the reins she'd just topple over and probably get a nasty bump. What a wibbly little cutie she was! Evidently they all turn into insanely overconfident juggernauts at 2...

I used them with my DC
My Dsis refuses to use them and her DS is absolutely dreadful at holding hands and slips people all the time. My older DD was trying to hold onto him in an airport and he ran off she was so upset. I don’t like looking after her child without having reins on him in case something ever happened to him so I never let him out of the buggy.

She probably feels in better control. If she has reins and he does decide to bolt she knows she doesn't have to ring you and confess something has happened like a cut head or worse a car has hit him.

My kids are opposites. My first never needed reins and walked nicely. My second one is a fearless boy. He has no sense of danger and he runs off and doesn't listen.

I took my first to a beach aged 2. She was amazing. Sat playing in the sand and never went near the sea.

My second at the beach was trying to run into the sea. Wouldn't sit and build a sand castle and was a typical boy lol.

I'd totally respect that someone else taking care of either of them would take extra safety measures. It's not easy to chase a toddler at times. She sounds like a good grandma

There’s a lot of posts about having ‘runners’ and them turning into nightmares at two, like that’s the only ‘reason’ for reins.

It’s not imo. Ds3 is 2.5 and has never been a runner - he’s brilliant at holding hands and always returns when called.

I still use reins sometimes for safety. Especially things like fetes, the Christmas parade in our town, fireworks display etc - basically anywhere with crowds or it’s dark where if they happen to slip out of your hand you’d lose sight of them in seconds.

What I do think is bad is seeing Mother’s rag the toddler back by the ‘lead’ as you would a dog. I have witnessed this and it’s really horrid

That isn’t pleasant - I haven’t seen it but sounds quite horrible. The only child i know who wears reins had a photo posted of it on fb 2 weeks ago with the caption “Walkies” which I also thought was a bit 🤨

my siblings and I wore them growing up and we are fine! People who used them for children - what age did they stop? Like when did you feel you could trust them not to run

When my DS was around that age he walked so well just next to me too (I miss those days 😭) now he is nearly 2.5 and its reins whenever we go out for a walk or he will literally end up getting ran over. I got me a runner 🏃 he has a little thomas the tank engine back pack one and he really loves it, I'm sure it's not going to do any harm long term as he'll learn road safety better but I do know for sure it will keep him safe for now

Yes when I felt they were less likely to run! I did use a buggy board with DD1 as this was good but I still used reins till she was about 3 and had more road sense and awareness. My nephew is 3 and still running off at every chance he gets. I actually think Dsis has been very lucky with him and I so wish she wasn’t so opposed to them

However I will also say - we have a peppa pig back pack reins. So sometimes he’ll just have the backpack on with a drink and the lead bit inside the bag.

And if I feel the need to call him and clip on the lead to the backpack, it does very much feel similar to clipping a lead to your dogs collar 😂

He’s still very young so don’t get too comfortable thinking he’ll just hold hands forever, once he gets more inquisitive and confident out and about he has a good chance of wandering more so him getting used to reins can only be seen as a good thing imo

I had a buggy escapee too so I had ones that clipped into the buggy and she couldn’t just slip the straps off and stand up in the pram

I don't like reigns, feels a bit like putting a kid on a lead

This is exactly why I DO like them

My DS loves walking everywhere but doesn't like to hold hands. I often look after my nephew too so I fast run out of hands to hold between the kids, bags, keys, wiping noses, giving drinks/snacks, pulling hats down, picking up dropped mittens and god forbid even checking a message on my phone. If I didn't have the reins I would probably need to have them in a buggy, I'm not sure my nerves would cope with 2 toddlers lose on the streets!

loose

Darn it!

I agree that your DM might not feel as agile/able to chase after a toddler as you do slow down as you get older. Another thing to consider is that as you age your grip is not so strong. I'm developing arthritis and am now finding it increasingly difficult to open jars etc. SO your mother may also be worried about being able to hold your child's hand firmly enough if he chose to wriggle.

Hats off to you OP for accepting the collective view so quickly and cheerfully.

I dont think this will be particularly confusing for him, and in a year or so this wont even be something you remember. Shes just doing what makes her feel better about keeping him safe while she has him. Its not a big deal, and definitely not worth wrrying about.

Hats off to you OP for accepting the collective view so quickly and cheerfully

Thank you! I really did just want to know what people thought. Very glad I asked! Sometimes it’s ok to be told you’re unreasonable and change your ways 😀