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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother using reins AIBU

354 replies

crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 10:05

To preface this - I have no issue with reins! I am not sure I see the point of them; but that is probably because DS doesn’t need them. I’m sure they are one of those things that are a blessing if you have a runner!

DS is 18 months old and we live in a village. He’s as good as gold with holding my hand when he is walking. He is also at the perfect height now that means this does not require any bending or contortion. My mother has him for one afternoon a week (I’m a SAHM - this is just for a break for me but also because she adores him and loves having him. I know on MN this is seen as “childcare“ Aka put up and shut up, but honestly I could afford a nanny for this afternoon, my mother would just be heartbroken. And I think it’s lovely that they spend time together/are so close). Sorry for rambling, just want to give the context.

Anyway she casually mentioned this week that she uses reins when she has him. I really don’t like this - mostly because he doesn’t need them and I think it’s confusing/don’t want him to lose his good habits re hand holding! And he’s looking for the reins when he wants to go out apparently which also does feel a little like my spaniel searching for his lead 🙈 But she’s very sensitive so don’t want to upset her. I wanted to check with everyone on here before I raise it as I am sure it’s possible I am being very unreasonable and should just leave it.

Honestly if IAMBU that’s fine! I really do not know!

OP posts:
Witchend · 30/01/2020 11:35

One of mine loved her reins and used to ask to wear them. They gave her a sense of security while meaning she could also feeling dependent.

But it is safety. My oldest always held hand nicely. And would walk at my side beautifully. I never really worried about her running off-until one day when she saw something on the other side of the road and just went. One second she was holding my hand as always, in a split second she was in the middle of the road.
Luckily for her, it was a police car driving slowly that was in the road, and they stopped in time.

Never assume they will never leave your side.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 11:35

I bet she and your little boy are building a lovely relationship

They are

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 30/01/2020 11:36

These days many people put their children in buggies aged 2, 3 and 4 because it's quicker and safer than letting them walk. I prefer reins because at least the child is getting used to walking.

A good compromise would be to ask your mum to hold your son's hand and have the reins looped over her wrist as back up in case he runs off. That way he is still learning to hold hands.

Sagradafamiliar · 30/01/2020 11:36

I wonder why that is

Probably because absolute idiots think nothing of comparing children to dogs and take great delight in doing so. Luckily for me I have no problem with telling anyone to fuck off and laugh off their stupidity but some mum's have postnatal depression and getting out of the house can be a small triumph, others just don't want to be shamed for looking after their kids properly.

Sceptre86 · 30/01/2020 11:39

If granny feels more safe taking him out this way then fair enough. It allows him to get the fresh air he needs and if it gives your mum peace of mind, where is the harm? I am not keen on using reigns myself for the reasons you mention but am considering it as I don't yet drive and my son is increasingly fighting going in his pram.

TildaKauskumholm · 30/01/2020 11:40

I'm surprised that more parents don't use them, it's such a sensible thing to do.

Drum2018 · 30/01/2020 11:42

I'd leave it be. Granny obvioulsy feels it's safer for both of them to have the reins. She might not be as quick to react if he did slip her hand, or might not catch him as quickly as you would if he ran off. Nothing wrong with using them at all. I think they are a great invention especially for kids who hate being in a buggy all the time.

slipperywhensparticus · 30/01/2020 11:45

At 18 months my son walked nicely by two he was a fucking nightmare

Sonichu · 30/01/2020 11:46

I was that toddler who "held hands" until one day I didn't want to anymore and I took off across the road and was hit by a car. Fortunately I was ok (obviously!) but is it really worth the angst if your mum feels happier using reins?

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 11:46

At 18 months my son walked nicely by two he was a fucking nightmare

Yes - I suspect I have this to look forward to 😂😁

OP posts:
Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 11:49

but is it really worth the angst if your mum feels happier using reins?

No - Which is why very early on I admitted that IAMBU 😁

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 30/01/2020 11:57

I would ask her to hold hands as well, so it reinforces the habit. She can still use the reins as a backup if she wants to.

I would add that holding hands isn't especially reliable for little ones as they can slip away in an instant. Fine if you're young and fit and have good reflexes to catch them, particularly in an area without much traffic - if she's concerned she might lack in one of these areas, reins are a sensible back up.

FWIW when I hold hands with a toddler, I tend to let them hold my finger, while I have my other fingers and thumb enclosed around their wrist, just in case. It's handy because if you do need to grab them, you can. Hardly ever needed it with DS1, but it gave me security. He would just sit down in the middle of the road and refuse to move with reins on, which I found more unsafe than not using them, plus he was extremely biddable until about 3 (and even then, he was very good with safety issues, probably because those were the things I was most consistent about!)

But I agree that at 18 months it's not yet possible to judge whether a child is good at holding hands or listening to instructions. Your mother has experience of toddlers older than 18 months and is probably aware of this too, and the suddenness with which they can change temperament.

Mintychoc1 · 30/01/2020 11:59

Something I've learned is that kids are never the same with different carers. Even the food they eat. My kids would eat carrots for me, but flatly refused for my Mum.

So your son might happily hold your hand and trot along nicely for you, but it's quite possible that for your Mum he's different.

Also you are stronger and more tuned into toddler care, as you do it more often. So if your son decided that today was the day he was going to run into the road, you would be better able to grab him quickly than your Mum would.
I'd let her have the reins and don't question it.

Huncamuncaa · 30/01/2020 11:59

My ds had reigns and is now a very good hand holder/ pram holder. I think it's a non issue which you will look back on and wonder why you gave it any thought. It's not worth raising, especially as shes doing it to keep him safe and get him out.One afternoon with someone else is hardly a habit which will need to be broken.

Also, it is such a short phase. Why dont you get him a scooter or a trike she can push and drop it round some of the afternoons she has him to mix it up?

Watermelontea · 30/01/2020 12:03

YABU - She just wants to be extra safe, thank your lucky stars she’s not one of these GPs that don’t use a car seat.
If you’re so offended, maybe see if she will get a backpack one or but it for her to use. Your child won’t forget how to hand hold because one day a week he walks ahead and she holds on to the reins. Confused

Geoffreythecat · 30/01/2020 12:04

I'm sorry, have sat on my hands and everything but I've got to say it. It's reins not reigns. Either way, still think they're a bloody good idea.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 30/01/2020 12:05

I think she’s doing a great thing for you, by getting your little one used to reins. If he does turn into a bolter, at least you know you can use reins on him, until he grows out of it.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 12:07

Can people at least RTFT before they pile in

OP posts:
User12879923378 · 30/01/2020 12:08

At 18 months my son walked nicely by two he was a fucking nightmar

This, this, a thousand times this. My little girl is pretty well behaved but they've just got no common sense and once they're confident on their feet they are perfectly capable of slithering their suddenly-boneless hands out of yours (no matter how tightly you're holding on) and bolting across a road to look at a cat or a flower. I never liked the idea of reins before I had her but I can't see any difficulty with having them looped over my wrist whilst we're holding hands.

Lovethissweater · 30/01/2020 12:08

Sorry op but I think yabu.

I also don't understand people who are against reins. Reins are to keep children safe, they are nothing like a dog on a lead, children can be unpredictable, same with people who don't use stairgates. Better safe then sorry is my thought.

If you're sure your child doesn't need them then that's your choice, but your mum is only being safe and sensible.

My youngest has never been a runner, until once out of the blue he did make a run for it. This was because he knew that the shops/park and toddler group were across the road and he forgot himself for a second.

userxx · 30/01/2020 12:09

I was a runner and was in reins a lot of the time, weirdly I can remember it.

Jellybeansincognito · 30/01/2020 12:10

Why the personal attacks and general rudeness OP?

If you’re so much better than the rest of us why have you even asked?

Watermelontea · 30/01/2020 12:12

RTFT? Does anybody actually do that? It sounds tedious.
People generally read the initial post, and all the defending the OP does throughout the thread, then comment.

definitelyshouldknowbetter · 30/01/2020 12:17

My youngest is nearly four and still unpredictable, I still have him in a little life back pack for this reason, I could feel embarrassed about it but I know he’s safe and I’ve got that piece of mind.

My eldest was an angel and walked beautifully but I still remember the time when I was heavily pregnant with his brother and something caught his eye up the high st and he promptly legged it and I ended up chasing down the st at 8 months pregnantAngry

I am fully optimistic that my youngest is going to be an angel of a teenager to make up for the “challenging” toddler yearsWink

User12879923378 · 30/01/2020 12:19

I think OP's probably frustrated that she took what was said on board on Page 1, said she was being unreasonable and has then been accused of putting her child in danger and being horrible to her mum for another 6 pages Grin