To not allow a man who did this to meet my children?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

There’s a long backstory but basically my stepdad, who has been my stepdad since I was 6 (I’m now late 30’s) is not someone I like for various reasons - a main one being that he’s a serial cheater and my mum takes him back time and again.

About 20 years ago he had an affair - with his god daughter. His best friend’s daughter who he’d known since she was a baby. They grew up on the same street as us and he knew her all her childhood. He’s was 41, and she was 16. He claims he waited until she was 16 but they were caught 2 months after her 16th birthday and the pattern of his behaviour (sneaking out, late nights at ‘work’) lasted for about six months before that. It caused huge emotional distress to both families at the time, as you can imagine. I’ve kept him at arms length ever since

When my DD was born 7 years ago I decided that I couldn’t trust a person like this with her growing up. They live abroad now anyway so we’d hardly be seeing them. I made it clear to my mum that he would never meet her or any other children I had. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done hurting her, and she ended up in hospital as a result with a “heart episode” (that’s all she’ll tell me and has never elaborated). But i dug my heels in and stood firm. I didn’t advertise this decision to other family members and no one has ever questioned why he hasn’t met my children.

I recently told my brother about this. He thinks I’m being unfair, OTT and ridiculous, and using DD as a weapon because I don’t like my stepdad. I’ve never doubted my choice before now but his words have really stung and he’s now not talking to me - he knows about all the affairs but very much takes a “none of my business” approach and thinks our stepdad is amazing.

AIBU to completely withhold contact?

But zarathustra, presumably the 37yr old wasn’t your own godfather? And your relationship didn’t start when you were fifteen with him waiting until you “were legal” to put his cock in you?

It’s those two details that move this from “skanky” to “paedo” in my book.

He isn't the children's grandad.

He has no right to see them

I think my views coloured by my own experience of having an affair with a 37year old when I was 17.The idea that I was groomed or abused or used is laughable. I was finding my wings sexually and liked being with an older man who knew what he was doing. I don't think I would have been impressed with peopke busybodying in my right to gave sex with whoever I wished.

17 isn't 15. A godfather isn't a prospective shag.

I think my views coloured by my own experience of having an affair with a 37year old when I was 17.

Had he known you since you were a baby?
Was he your godfather or in a similar paternal role?
Did he sleep with you when you were underage?

All of those things in the OP’s example make it particularly creepy in a way other age gap relationships aren’t.

If course now I wouldn't be happy if my own 16/17 year old wanted to do the same.

yes. It is amazing how we understand on some level what happened to us as children/teens through what we would be prepared to tolerate for our own children/teens.

In your mind you were a 17 year old happy to have sex with a man 20 years older than you. And to this day you are happy to post on a site that this was just fine.

But in reality you know it was an abusive of power which is why you wouldn't want your own 17 year old daughter to do the same.

Pedophilia is being attracted to pre-pubescent children. An older man being attracted to and sleeping with a young teenager who's well into adolescence is pretty vile, home-wrecking, and even pathetic, but not pedophilia.

In this specific case, it's made much worse by the close family ties and her being his goddaughter, not to mention that he was married! Just an all round immoral, inconsiderate and horrible man who should definitely not have the privilege of your contact or attention, OP.

As for your brother, it's sad that he can't agree with your point of view and understand how wrong your stepfather's actions were. It's his choice not to speak to you over the disagreement. All you can do is maintain the high ground.

No I wouldn't let that creepy pervert anywhere near my daughters. I would also consider giving my brother a wide berth too. His views are distorted. Your mum needs to wake up.

@GiveHerHellFromUs Paedophile means pre-teen, pre-pubescent. So, no, unless he was preying on her when she was 12 and younger, he isn't a paedophile. However he is a dirty old man and not someone I would want anywhere near me or my kids.

Your brother’s opinion makes him an enabler for a paedophile.

An enabler?
for somethign that happened 20 years ago?
now who is bieng oTT

@SaphfireRose oh sorry I missed the bit where OP said he only started fancying her when she grew boobs. Oh yeah, she didn't.

If you think he didn't groom her from a young age you're probably being quite naive.

The first duty of a mother is to protect her child from harm, or, anyone who may do the child harm. Your brother is a fool, (sorry) for any father to turn away and say grooming a child, engaging in paedophile behaviour is none of his business is short sighted to say the least. I could use much stronger language actually.
IMO you are doing exactly the right thing, you have your daughter's best interests at heart, as, after all most child abusers are in close contact with their victims, in the family, family circle or neighbourhood.
Continue what you are doing, your mother and your brother are fools, and apologists for his behaviour.

Your job is to protect your children. Do that. You can’t worry about your brother or mother. You know you are doing the right thing.

Your stepdad is weird I wouldn't trust him near my kids. Keep them away. He slept with a 16 year old the vile man the reason he waited until she was 16 was for himself, not for her because he didn't want to get in trouble with the police.
He's a predator. Please stick to your guns and do not let your children near him.
I can't believe your brother cannot see this. If I was his wife, your SD certainly would not be near my kids. X

For those who keep asking about the 2%, there is always about this percent voting the opposite way when the comments are unanimous, presumably it's people who pressed the wrong button by mistake.

Don't let him in even for your mum. You will regret it.
He's a pedo who waits until they are of age so he can't get into trouble.
If your mum is blinded by him let her be but don't you be. X

Sorry, I pressed the wrong button! YADNBU

You are of course correct to not allow this vile excuse of human being into your life. Your mum is emotionally blackmailing you. Stand your ground. Your brother is wrong.

Under no circs would I let him near my kids.

Your brother is an idiot.

Your mum obvs has no self esteem and is choosing him again over healthy relationships with her own kids/grandchildren.

I'd be shot of the lot of 'em tbh.

@sosaidzarathustra it's not a "blood relative" though is it? Jesus if you can't even get that right from the OP then god help us!

YADNBU OP, well done for protecting your child.

I recently told my brother about this. He thinks I’m being unfair, OTT and ridiculous, and using DD as a weapon because I don’t like my stepdad.

Your brother is a twat.
If he has (or when he has) children, he can decide whether to expose them to your serial-adulterer, near-incestuous, "it's ok 'cos I waited til she was legal" stepdad.

Frankly, your brother is sounding like your stepdad's Flying Monkey here.
And he can STFU about your decision for your child.

How is it that your brother, instead of supporting his niece's best interests, feels it's ok to attack you on a trumped-up charge of using her as a weapon ... while himself weaponising her by trying to make you concede that your decisions for her wellbeing are not good enough for him? Sounds like DARVO to me - changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/coping/darvo.htm

It's rather like your mother using her mysteriously unelaborated "heart episode" as a weapon against you, isn't it OP?

I'm sorry your mother & brother are ganging up like this. They sound dysfunctional, & you are not only entirely reasonable in ensuring your daughter doesn't interact with your stepdad, you'd be reasonable in going LC with your immediate relatives as well - they sound toxic.

YANBU.

“heart episode” (that’s all she’ll tell me and has never elaborated)

Do you believe that OP or do you think she was having a flounce to try to manipulate you to her way of thinking and trying to minimise what her DH had done? Both your DB and your DM have minimised what this man has done and blamed the victim, this shows they do not have fit judgement to be in your DC lives, they won't have the good sense to protect your DC.

As for the stepfather he has shown himself to be manipulating with an astounding lack of judgement, good character and morals at best, and criminal at worse. You are right to trust your instincts to protect your child from all of them.

I think my views coloured by my own experience of having an affair with a 37year old when I was 17.The idea that I was groomed or abused or used is laughable.

No it isn't @sosaidzarathustra - it's pitiful, & outrageous, because here you are as a grown woman, posting -
The problem is you are implying he is a paedophile. There is nothing illegal about having a relationship with a non-related 16 year old however immoral it may seem to be

• in defence of a sexual predator, at the same time as completely missing OP's initial post stating how the child was groomed in the years leading up to her 16th birthday. (& likely sexualised way ahead of that).

I am sorry you are not seeing this clearly, & equating it with your own situation at 17 without wondering how it came about.

He is unpleasant, selfish, immoral and possibly predatory and these are all grounds to keep him away.But being sexually attracted to, and sleeping with a 16 year old is not paedophilia and on the face of it there is absolutely no evidence that he would be sexually attracted to a 7 year old.

An enabler?
for somethign that happened 20 years ago?
now who is bieng oTT

ODFOD @EnidBlyton

Tell you what - YOU expose your daughters to as many dirty old men as you wish.
Then come back & tell us who' is being OTT to feel angry & disturbed & scared when the dirty old men start leering & making inappropriate remarks around your young girls.

If you can't imagine how wrong you would be to have willingly exposed your hypothetical daughters to disgusting perverts, YOU are the enabler.

HTH.