To not allow a man who did this to meet my children?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

There’s a long backstory but basically my stepdad, who has been my stepdad since I was 6 (I’m now late 30’s) is not someone I like for various reasons - a main one being that he’s a serial cheater and my mum takes him back time and again.

About 20 years ago he had an affair - with his god daughter. His best friend’s daughter who he’d known since she was a baby. They grew up on the same street as us and he knew her all her childhood. He’s was 41, and she was 16. He claims he waited until she was 16 but they were caught 2 months after her 16th birthday and the pattern of his behaviour (sneaking out, late nights at ‘work’) lasted for about six months before that. It caused huge emotional distress to both families at the time, as you can imagine. I’ve kept him at arms length ever since

When my DD was born 7 years ago I decided that I couldn’t trust a person like this with her growing up. They live abroad now anyway so we’d hardly be seeing them. I made it clear to my mum that he would never meet her or any other children I had. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done hurting her, and she ended up in hospital as a result with a “heart episode” (that’s all she’ll tell me and has never elaborated). But i dug my heels in and stood firm. I didn’t advertise this decision to other family members and no one has ever questioned why he hasn’t met my children.

I recently told my brother about this. He thinks I’m being unfair, OTT and ridiculous, and using DD as a weapon because I don’t like my stepdad. I’ve never doubted my choice before now but his words have really stung and he’s now not talking to me - he knows about all the affairs but very much takes a “none of my business” approach and thinks our stepdad is amazing.

AIBU to completely withhold contact?

Your brother sounds like your step dad tbh.
You are better off without any of them, and so are your children.
I don't even mean from the pov of mistrusting him with children, although that's bad enough.
Who wants somebody like this in their family.

I completely empathise with you OP.

My stepfather is a vile man. Or rather my ex stepfather. My mum divorced him when I was about 19 after 2 years separated.

I am the oldest out of 6 and the only 1 who is not biologically his. I went NC at 17 when dm left him. I get pressured at least once a year to attend a function where he will be present and apart from weddings, funerals or christenings I decline.

Not just because he is generally vile but also because he had a relationship with a very vulnerable 16 year old girl when he was in his late 40s. A friend of my youngest dsis who he had known since she was 8/9. It was suspected that the baby she had when she was 16 was his but a DNA test proved it wasn't but he still has a relationship with this child and it's mother.

There is no way on this earth he is getting anywhere near my 15 year old dd. But I can't actually say that because it would cause ww3 so I just decline.

Your brother is a damn jerk and is almost victim blaming. I would be no contact with that creep ''stepdad'' for life. And your mum is in serious denial. smdh. You're best away from them all by the sounds of it.

I think it's fair to say that you dislike what your stepfather did, rather than you dislike him as a person. Perfectly understandable, given he groomed a 15/16yr old child.

You are doing the right thing by protecting your child/children.

You're absolutely right.

Your brother probably believes your stepdad went with a girl only after she turned 16. It's still grim considering he knew her and her family all those years but I doubt your brother has thought of it in detail. He'll come round, you're his sis after all. I wonder, does your brother have any children yet?

Stick to your guns. A mother's instincts are usually right.

YANBU. He sounds awful anyway, but is also not safe to be around children.

Wow blaming a kid-dont blame you at all op-your mother is in compeltl denial yo9u cant trust her alone at all

Also your brother is no better

Yanbu. He is vile

Your mother victim blames the 16 year old. Her 'heart' episode will have been caused by HIM, not you. Well done on sticking to your guns and I hope you feel zero guilt as you're in the right.

having any kind of sexual relationship with a child - he said he waited until she was 16 which means he had instigated the relationship before that - makes him a paedophile

I suspect the PP was being pedantic as he would be classed as an ephebophile rather than a paedophile but really it’s semantics, as either way his behaviour was utterly grim and I’d not have him near my kids.

I’d be keeping away from your arsehole of a brother too.

I can't believe that there are 3% who think you're being unreasonable. For me, it wouldn't be so much that he had groomed a young girl, although that would be a huge issue, it would be what a vile excuse for a human being he is. I wouldn't want any child of mine, male or female, being around a man like him who has affairs as though it's no big deal. So even on that level, you're well within your rights and totally reasonable. I know it impacts your mum, but she's made her choices and stayed with him despite knowing what he is, so she doesn't get to see much of your daughter. Tough.

Even if he didn't have sex with his goddaughter until she was sixteen, or seventeen or eighteen, he had known her since she was a baby and at some point, while she was still well under the age of consent he decided that he wanted to have sex with her and that is just disgusting.

Your brother needs to have a serious word with himself if he sees this man as amazing.

Your mother is appalling. I can't believe the women that support men like this. It's disgusting to blame a sixteen year old girl. I don't think I could look her in the face. How can a young girl be a tart and a predatory, forty year old man get let off the hook.

I agree with Ellisandra re your brother OP. Sorry.

Honestly even if his best friends daughter, his god daughter was 25, it’d still be absolutely disgusting 🤮

So your stepdad "waited" until she had JUST turned 16... how many years prior to this had he been grooming her?? Poor girl - and disgustingly vile paedo.

OP, I'm definitely with you on this one - and your brother is an idiot too.

I'd cut your mum and brother off too. Abuse apologists.

You are doing the right thing.

Yanbu. Your mother and brother are enablers too, and not nice people. Your mother's health problems were probably fake and an attempt to manipulate you. That is worrying abusers groom allies just as effectively as they groom victims. Keep well away from all of them

YANBU. He's a paedophile and your mum and brother are very much in the wrong. I wouldn't let him within a mile of my kid. Stick to your very correct guns.

I have not read the full thread but I think you should stand firm. Your choice is absolutely correct and I would not waste any time over what anyone else thinks!

So your Mum blames you for her heart condition, but not the guy she shares a bed with that groomed his minor Goddaughter for sex?!

Keep ALL of these people out of your life.. every one of them is Toxic..

Seriously OP...

He is a predator. I wouldn’t let him anywhere near my children. You are making the write choice.

That's not an affair. That's grooming and child abuse

The age of consent laws in this country really don't work. It is illegal for two 15 year olds to have sex yet the second that someone (usually a girl) turns 16, it's open season for any old creep.

The age of consent should be raised to 18 with a close in age exception for those younger.

Urgh!

YANBU, OP. Your daughter should be kept away from this man and all who minimise what he did.