Best friend broke my heart

[sleeplessinsalford]

So some background. My partner and I tried to conceive for 20 years before finally having to call it a day and move on with our lives. At the same time as all this was going on, my best friend of 30+ years was not in a relationship so she was also childless and the same age as me (now 40). She saw everything I went through whilst TTC, tests, medications, treatment etc and the many, many heartaches I experienced too. It was a very long and painful journey, with no happy ending. She was always there for me and we both had a very active interest in parenting etc and would sit and talk for hours about when we had children, the things we would do and how we would parent.

Shortly after I had reached the end of the line, she got pregnant with her new partner, which was hard for me in one way, but nevertheless I was thrilled for her and was really excited to be part of her child's life as she is like a sister to me. It felt very much like I was getting a new niece!
The first thing that was 'off' was very soon after finding out she was expecting, she said to me "you're not going to interfere on how I bring this baby up, are you?" which really took me aback, but I put it down to hormones and let it go.
But then, when she was around 6 months pregnant, I had bought her some baby things and I mentioned in passing something like "this baby is going to spoilt rotten by her Auntie Anne" - meaning by me.
Her reaction to this, floored me. Her exact words were "you're NOT her Auntie!", "she has real Aunties, and she would be confused calling you Auntie too".
I was so shocked by the outburst, I smiled my way politely through the rest of the afternoon, but when she left I literally broke my heart and cried for hours.
Some time has passed since her daughter was born and the hurt is still very much there. In my life, my parent's best friends were our Aunts, as a way of us knowing they were like family, a kind of trusted circle I suppose. I have other friends who I have known half as long who call me Auntie to their children and think she is being quite cruel, especially after all I have been through and not having any children of my own.
I can't help but feel that this has damaged our friendship irreversibly and has put a distance between me and her little girl as she knows me simply as 'Anne' in the same way she knows the postman as 'John'. I think a lot of it is me wondering how she didn't realise this would hurt me after such a long and close friendship.

I have never mentioned this to her because I value our friendship, and I get the feeling she will not understand why it has hurt me the way it has. Do you think I am being pathetic? and am I wrong to question our friendship over this?

@Twuntsrule Conversely, I have cousins who are 20 years younger than me, and they made it very clear that I'm their childrens' cousin, not aunt. I pointed out the fact that I'm 50+ years older than the kids might confuse them and that it would be easier all around for them to call me their aunt, but crickets.
I would think it would be far more confusing to have them call you aunt and get your actual relationship confused. You are their parents 1st cousin. Not their aunt.

I'm normally first to say YABU in these situations but actually your friend should have indulged you, as a kindness. My best friend is childless and very much wanted to be 'Auntie' to my kids, so she is. She does as much for my kids as their blood Aunt so why shouldn't she have a title of her choosing?

Your friend is being a precious dickhead.

Regardless of whether your friend's family only use the terms "aunt" and "uncle" for relatives, she was a bitch to shoot you down the way she did. There was no reason for her to make such a big deal out of it because the child hadn't even been born at that stage and wouldn't be calling you anything at all for a couple of years. Given your circumstances, a real friend would have been more generous.

But another point, when people snap at you like that it's quite often because they're already pissed off at you about something else entirely and are just looking for a reason to have a go at you. Half the time you won't even know what it is it you've done to piss them off because they don't tell you. They just bottle it up until a more convenient "reason" presents itself. From the way you have described it, it sounds like there is something else going on in your friendship that she secretly resents you for.

She hasn't handled this well, but reading your comment about her not suddenly knowing everything about motherhood because she has a child, and that you still know stuff too teamed with your mention of pre child discussions about rights and wrongs of child raising leads me to feel that perhaps you had been a little overbearing towards her. She was blunt, but setting out her stall that she didn't want you advising/interfering.

The only thing I can say, is that sometimes babies bring you closer to your friends and sometimes they don’t. And when you’re expecting a new baby to bring a new kind of closeness or intimacy with a friend and it doesn’t, it really hurts. And not just when one of you has a baby. Even sometimes when both of you have a baby at the same time, it doesn’t bring you closer. And because you were expecting to feel closer and don’t, it can make you feel even further apart.

There is absolutely NO need to say to your best friend of 30 years "you're not going to interfere with how I bring up this baby, right?"

We can't know that for sure. If a friend had an unfortunate history of being quite overbearing an insecure new mother might feel the need to lay down some ground rules. The way the OP has reported this, the friend does sound harsh. What we don't know is the friend's side to this of course.

I think you might have unintentionally overstepped the boundary with the clothes buying and a declared intention to spoil 'this' ( her) baby rotten. It was probably easiest for her to pick up on the Auntie language as a way to get you to step back without saying more and causing you more pain.

So sorry for what you have been through. I hope you can move your friendship forward.

I think she sounds unkind and grabby.

Even if it’s not the norm to call friends aunty, given how close you both were, she could have let it go for your sake.

I think it’s rude of her to demand specific gifts, but tell you to butt out of her DD’s life. Your good enough to spend money on her but not be called aunty!

Exactly what did she think you’d do anyway, when she asked if you’d interfere?

I’d take a step back from her and ignore gift requests.

I think she was incredibly rude to snap and be so harsh with you. It is unnecessary and not very kind. But I also think you were rude to assume a title for yourself. No matter how close you are, its HER baby. If you had waited she may have bestowed you that title herself.

I would maybe just speak to her about it before throwing away your friendship. You may find its on her mind too and she apologises and explains she had a lot going on etc.

Also doesn’t everyone normally give a gift of cute baby clothes for a new baby?

My friends all say they’ll spoil mine, and they do to varying degrees. But it’s during occasions eg birthdays and Christmas etc.

I don’t think thats overstepping boundaries.

You are clearly very good friends, I think you need to have an honest, open conversation with her, explain your feelings, apologise if you made assumptions she wasn’t comfortable with etc... as best friends you can surely have this conversation together.

I think its partly cultural.

I've been referred to as Aunty by Asian families even if I'm not that close to the family, particulary by DS's school friends. Some of them come on playdates and call me Aunty Listsandbudgets. I don't mind, its quite nice in a way.

To most children though, I'm just Listandbudgets.

OP don't worry - its a nice concept but ultimately "what's in a name, a rose by any other name smells as sweet" - just enjoy your friends DC and don't get too stressed about what title she gives you :)

OP, so sorry to read of your long hard struggle.

I think you are wise to pull right back and give your friend a lot of space.

She was harsh and abrupt but she has got what she feels across effectively.

Re the gift asking.
I wouldn't pay ANY attention to that whatsoever.
I would buy whatever little gift you like, and let her request specific items from family.

I would also keep the gifts modest.

You have friends that wish you to be involved with their children.

I would invest my time and support where it's wanted and appreciated.

Wishing you well.

As someone in your position I'd say ditch her now because this is just the start of her upsetting, insulting and patronising you.

She was blunt and unkind and you have a right to feeling shocked and sad about that.

But this stood out:
We had been friends and not had a baby between us in 30 years, maybe that is hard to imagine if you haven't been there?

The baby wasn't something between you and your friend. The baby is hers and her partner's.

Maybe she had a feeling that you were in your heart more invested in the baby than she was comfortable with?

Yanbu to be very hurt. I’m not really into the Aunt name by family friends but she was cruel I think. How hard would it have been for her to tell you it wasn’t her thing but maybe the baby could call you “X’ and think of an alternative.

I think your friend was unnecessarily callous to be honest. When I was pregnant it grated on me that one of my best friends wanted to be called aunty, but in the end I figured that it was easier to give her this than hurt her unnecessarily. That being said, she lives overseas so it’s going to be rare that my DS sees her, if she’d been more local I would have simply allowed her to call herself aunty but not used that honorific myself as I don’t even call my own aunts and uncles by the title, only by their first names.

I'm so sorry. YANBU, she was unkind and thoughtless. I accept lots of people don't like the term aunt for non-relations, but she could have said that in a much kinder way!

We had a similar situation - very close friend TTC for years and eventually gave up. I then got married late, and after various forms of help we now have twins. We of course asked my friends to be godparents (although they have many other godchildren, so I gave them the option to decline) and they have been the most wonderful, caring and loving friends and godparents my children could wish for. We do use the terms aunty and uncle - but that's neither here nor there. It's so sad that they didn't have their own as they would have been such wonderful parents. We all get so much from our closeness, and I can't imagine snapping at her the way your friend did.

No advice - except maybe to talk to her? I hope you can move past this, but you have my sympathies.

The problem is we are only seeing this from the OPs perspective and it is difficult to gauge whether she is a cruel friend or whether years of a friendship where she gave but never got much back and then saw her parenting being and said no.

Either way the friendship wont recover I dont think

I really feel for you, OP, and it does sound like your friend has been unkind, but tbh I would want to hear her side. It sounds like you may have been quite overbearing and that she may have snapped in frustration that had built over some time.

She sounds unnecessarily cruel and rude

As for not having a baby between you in 30 years , i just took that to mean you were both childless for along time , thought maybe youd both never have children and so obviously you were pleased and excited for her when she became pg. Nothing more than that

You sound nice, not overbearing or any of the other things some posters have said

It sounds like she sees you in a different light, than you see her. She seems convinced you'll try to "take over" her baby, but I guess only you and she know if she's worrying for nothing. Do you get over invested in other peoples pregnancies or babies? Does she have a controlling mil, dp or mother as is, and is worried you'll start being overbearing too? You've explained why this has upset you, but not why your friend might take your calling yourself aunt without asking first so badly? Or did you maybe inadvertently buy something for the baby she's been looking forward to getting herself, or she's superstitious/worried it's tempting fate buying things while she's still pregnant?

Only you and her can work this out, but this might also be the start of her distancing herself from you, for whatever reason.

YABU you don't declare yourself as Aunty to anybody's child unless you are their Aunt. Been there, had that, had to spell it out.

Sorry to hear what you've been through, but try to forgive your friend for speaking to you abruptly (particularly if it's a one off) and for not wanting her child to call you Auntie. Not everybody wants that. I certainly don't want any of my friends' children to call me Auntie - even my nieces and nephews don't use the term - so it's a very each to their own thing. I also wonder, in common with a few PP, whether your friend felt the need to set a boundary at that particular point.

She doesn't think that you're planning to tag along while she does all the things with her dc, that you'd planned to do together if you had similar age dc? That as auntie x you'll want to come to family days out etc, or to mums and tots and stuff?