Best friend broke my heart

[sleeplessinsalford]

So some background. My partner and I tried to conceive for 20 years before finally having to call it a day and move on with our lives. At the same time as all this was going on, my best friend of 30+ years was not in a relationship so she was also childless and the same age as me (now 40). She saw everything I went through whilst TTC, tests, medications, treatment etc and the many, many heartaches I experienced too. It was a very long and painful journey, with no happy ending. She was always there for me and we both had a very active interest in parenting etc and would sit and talk for hours about when we had children, the things we would do and how we would parent.

Shortly after I had reached the end of the line, she got pregnant with her new partner, which was hard for me in one way, but nevertheless I was thrilled for her and was really excited to be part of her child's life as she is like a sister to me. It felt very much like I was getting a new niece!
The first thing that was 'off' was very soon after finding out she was expecting, she said to me "you're not going to interfere on how I bring this baby up, are you?" which really took me aback, but I put it down to hormones and let it go.
But then, when she was around 6 months pregnant, I had bought her some baby things and I mentioned in passing something like "this baby is going to spoilt rotten by her Auntie Anne" - meaning by me.
Her reaction to this, floored me. Her exact words were "you're NOT her Auntie!", "she has real Aunties, and she would be confused calling you Auntie too".
I was so shocked by the outburst, I smiled my way politely through the rest of the afternoon, but when she left I literally broke my heart and cried for hours.
Some time has passed since her daughter was born and the hurt is still very much there. In my life, my parent's best friends were our Aunts, as a way of us knowing they were like family, a kind of trusted circle I suppose. I have other friends who I have known half as long who call me Auntie to their children and think she is being quite cruel, especially after all I have been through and not having any children of my own.
I can't help but feel that this has damaged our friendship irreversibly and has put a distance between me and her little girl as she knows me simply as 'Anne' in the same way she knows the postman as 'John'. I think a lot of it is me wondering how she didn't realise this would hurt me after such a long and close friendship.

I have never mentioned this to her because I value our friendship, and I get the feeling she will not understand why it has hurt me the way it has. Do you think I am being pathetic? and am I wrong to question our friendship over this?

I don't think she sounds heartless, I think she was trying to draw a few boundaries in a clumsy way and so her instinctive reaction came out a little strong.

I’m sorry you haven’t been able to conceive. If you’ll excuse the armchair psychology, after so many conversations like that, talking in such detail, do you think she felt pressured to ‘share’ her child? She may have felt terribly guilty. Even if you didn’t overstep boundaries I can understand she might have feared sharing her child, whilst having complicated feelings about whether she ought to share. If she has been a good friend before and after, I would let this go.

@thenoodlesincident You certainly may have a point about being overbearing with opinions. It's not a nice thought, but you don't get to 40 without realising some harsh truths about yourself! That said, she's known me since I was in infant school so it seemed a bit touchy. The comment in itself wouldn't have bothered me in the grand scheme of things but it did mark a shift in her behaviour, almost like she was pushing me out of the picture. But again, that might be me being over sensitive!

Also, buying baby things 6 months in, before the baby is born, is quite intense (and superstitiously many people do not do this til it is born safely). You may have unintentionally come over a little keen and she was just trying to say hey, this is going to be my baby. She may not even have known why she reacted that way. There are lots of posts on here about mums who go a little overboard during the pregnancy and this may have been happening here, your excitement wasn't giving room for her (unless she asked you to get that stuff?)

I think this is salvageable and your hurt over the name issue (I don't do Aunty whatever although I guess I wouldn't care if someone else labelled themselves as such) is really about other things. You can still be special in her child's and her life if you want to be, but you do need to be sensitive to her cues and natural protective instinct as well.

Sounds like she hasn’t been very sensitive but you don’t need the name Auntie to be special to a child. It’s what you do for the child which will make the child see you as special. I was really confused as a child as to how people had such big families with all these aunties they talked about. I didn’t call the special adults in my life by auntie/uncle but it didn’t make them any less special to me

I meant grandmas going overboard, the mums of the pregnant ladies.

I think YABU,, just from the tone of your post. I suspect the mum is protecting her child from over familiarity or implication that you are more to the child than you are. I'm sorry but I don't think she owes you an aunt status, and the comment about not interfering with how she does things, buying clothes when 6 months pregnant, expecting her to allow you to be called aunt 'especially all you have been through'- I'll be honest I would probably have done the same as to friend. I only refer to one person as an aunt to my kids who isn't actually their aunt (she is godmother to my eldest and aunt to my youngest). Even one of their real aunts doesn't get the title from me.

I've stopped people from referring to themselves as child's aunt or uncle. I detest it, it's overly familiar when all they are is a family friend

Totally agree with this. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s very sad, but that doesn’t make you more entitled to your friend’s baby. My niece and nephew don’t call me Auntie Derbee. Doesn’t mean they love me any less, or I’m less important in their lives.

You understandably have your own issues due to your circumstances, but it’s not right to take it out on your friend, and to be overfamiliar or over sensitive

I refer to my close friends (3 of them) as Auntie, but anyway, each to their own. But considering your history and the fact she knew about all your heartache etc she could have been more tactful, to be so blunt and rude was quite nasty IMO, there's no need for that.

And the "you're not going to interfere are you" comment, so very very rude. I'd be tempted to just say bollocks to her honestly, she can struggle away or find someone who she doesn't talk to like crap.

Sorry you are upset.

On another note it really upsets me that my sister calls her friend my niece and nephew an aunty !!! I am their aunty 😂🤣.

However I understand our parents did the same but it really grates on me.

I understand your hurt, I really do,but a title doesn't make you family, actions do. As the child grows up, if you are around and a consistent part of their life, that is more important than a name!

Given your history and your long relationship with her, I think she's behaved really badly. She knows how much a family means to you and she could easily have extended that title to you as a way of drawing you into her new family.

I also think YABU. She obviously needed to set some clear boundaries. There was no need for you to buy baby items before the baby was born. Referring to yourself as Auntie was a bit much. She's correct in saying that you are clearly not the baby's auntie. Maybe she felt you would be a bit too intrusive when baby arrived and needed to get this across to you. However, she could have done it in a more gentle way. Try not to dwell on it too much. Carry on as friends but continue to know your boundaries.

Calling older people uncle and aunt is polite
It's "polite" in India, but in the UK I'd say it falls more into the category of "cute" and is less common than it used to be.

am I wrong to question our friendship over this?

Only if you detect you are being held at arm’s length in other ways. The auntie question aside, is the friendship still as close? Contact as regular?

Completely agree with the above.

If you are still close and you're part of the baby's life then what does it matter what she calls you really?

Ps both my children nearly died at birth we did not buy anything and when a friend did I found it tricky. Pregnancy is a hard thing and so is not having a child and struggling. I think these are small issues in a bigger picture ?

It's really helpful to hear other opinions. Not necessarily about the use of the Auntie name as I do think that's a personal thing and down to different ways of life etc, but there's been some very valid points made about how she may have been feeling that I had not considered. I do think having other friends all call me Auntie - I don't have a large circle of friends, but Godmother to 2 and 'Auntie' to 5, I definitely presumed the 'role' as she is my closest friend, and she would have been that to my children, had I had any.

Thing have definitely changed between us, maybe partly down to her being a Mother now and that does change a relationship I think. We have different lives suddenly after such a long time.

Thank you for giving me things to think about... and thank you for the kind thoughts about my own situation

I wonder if she feels you are a bit overpowering, OP? Seems as if she was afraid of you taking over and telling her what to do, and didn't like you giving yourself an important title when normally it would be her choice how big a role you were going to play in the baby's life?

I think step back. Focus on other friends who don't have children or whose children are grown up. Focus on yourself. For whatever reason, good or bad, she's said a couple of rather hurtful things and you don't have to line yourself up for more.

Fwiw I always refer to close friends as auntie and uncle to my DD. Her actual uncles and aunts aren't very involved and I find it politer than first name from a 7yo.

You shouldn't be so upset about this. Your friend wasn't very nice in the way she spoke with you and, if I was in your place, i would've nicely told her that there is no need to be so rude
In saying that, you can have a great relationship with the little girl even if she calls you "only" Anne
My nieces and my nephew have never called me aunt or auntie and we are very close. Whenever they have a problem I'm the first they call and want to talk to.

The first thing that was 'off' was very soon after finding out she was expecting, she said to me "you're not going to interfere on how I bring this baby up, are you?"

This is really odd from a good friend. I’d love to hear her side of this. I think you really need to examine how you’ve behaved around other people’s children in the past and see where this has come from. It’s hard to believe there’s absolutely no basis at all.

You can’t use other people’s kids as a coping mechanism for your own infertility. It’s a horrible position to be in (I’m there too). Counselling could help you.

While I agree it’s not necessarily fair to push the title of “auntie” onto your name, I think your friend has been very cruel.
To know what you’ve been through, ttc for years and failing - you would think she’d have more tact. I’d be thrilled to have a friend who wanted to be involved in my child’s upbringing. For her to speak to you like that it sounds like you irritate her in some way. She doesn’t sound like a great friend to me.

The only friends who I refer to as my dcs Aunts and Uncles are from cultures where it’s a term of respect. They have adults they are closer to who are plain x and Y but people they hardly see who are Auntie x or uncle Y
I don’t think it’s anything to break your heart over OP and the fact that it has means that your expectations of your relationship with this child were probably too high.

Is she actually stopping you being close to her child or just banning you from calling yourself "auntie"? I know families where every family friend is "auntie" something. However for some families it's just not normal. When I was growing up aunts and uncles were referred to by their names I. E. Bob, Jane, Shirley etc. As we didn't even call our real aunties "Auntie Jane" it would have seemed weird for us to call my mum's friends aunties. If it's normal for her family to do this I can understand why she said it. However, it did seem like she said it in a harsh way. I think what's key here is if she's generally being a good friend and letting you get to know her daughter.

I think it's understandable you're upset, but I think titles like Auntie are up to the parents, I'd never label myself first, and I would be totally annoyed if someone called themselves that. In a way, it's good that she's a good enough friend to push back, I would have just seethed whenever it came up.