Best friend broke my heart

[sleeplessinsalford]

So some background. My partner and I tried to conceive for 20 years before finally having to call it a day and move on with our lives. At the same time as all this was going on, my best friend of 30+ years was not in a relationship so she was also childless and the same age as me (now 40). She saw everything I went through whilst TTC, tests, medications, treatment etc and the many, many heartaches I experienced too. It was a very long and painful journey, with no happy ending. She was always there for me and we both had a very active interest in parenting etc and would sit and talk for hours about when we had children, the things we would do and how we would parent.

Shortly after I had reached the end of the line, she got pregnant with her new partner, which was hard for me in one way, but nevertheless I was thrilled for her and was really excited to be part of her child's life as she is like a sister to me. It felt very much like I was getting a new niece!
The first thing that was 'off' was very soon after finding out she was expecting, she said to me "you're not going to interfere on how I bring this baby up, are you?" which really took me aback, but I put it down to hormones and let it go.
But then, when she was around 6 months pregnant, I had bought her some baby things and I mentioned in passing something like "this baby is going to spoilt rotten by her Auntie Anne" - meaning by me.
Her reaction to this, floored me. Her exact words were "you're NOT her Auntie!", "she has real Aunties, and she would be confused calling you Auntie too".
I was so shocked by the outburst, I smiled my way politely through the rest of the afternoon, but when she left I literally broke my heart and cried for hours.
Some time has passed since her daughter was born and the hurt is still very much there. In my life, my parent's best friends were our Aunts, as a way of us knowing they were like family, a kind of trusted circle I suppose. I have other friends who I have known half as long who call me Auntie to their children and think she is being quite cruel, especially after all I have been through and not having any children of my own.
I can't help but feel that this has damaged our friendship irreversibly and has put a distance between me and her little girl as she knows me simply as 'Anne' in the same way she knows the postman as 'John'. I think a lot of it is me wondering how she didn't realise this would hurt me after such a long and close friendship.

I have never mentioned this to her because I value our friendship, and I get the feeling she will not understand why it has hurt me the way it has. Do you think I am being pathetic? and am I wrong to question our friendship over this?

Knowing what she does about how much you wanted a child of
your own I think she could be worried that you are becoming over invested in her pregnancy
I’m not saying she’s right, and I think she is being very insensitive, but in view of the way she has reacted it
might be wise for you to try and prepare yourself for the fact that once the baby arrives your close friendship may not be as it was before. I hope I’m wrong about this as you’ve been friends with her for a very long time.
Technically I suppose she’s right in the sense that aunties are the sister of the mother or father, but even me who comes from a family of blunt speakers would have been kinder in my response than your friend was when you referred to yourself as an Aunty For all I know she may well be on here reading this thread, and if so I hope that she might be thinking that perhaps she could have been kinder.
I know in my mums day it was common to refer to friends of the parents as uncles and aunties but it’s not something that I have ever come
across in my own circle of friends, so perhaps your friend didn’t really know where you were coming from when you made your comment.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe my mother refers to me (when speaking to her dog) as 'Auntie Lying'

my mother refers to me as her "second favourite daughter" to "my sister" the 2 year old spaniel dog. . i dont think shes joking

I think she was unnecessarily hard on you especially knowing what you’ve been through. I grew up calling my parents’ friends auntie and uncle, and many of my friends have their kids do the same. They know perfectly well that I’m Auntie Kalinka who isn’t really their auntie.

My weirdo sil (husbands sister) wanted my kids to think she is my sister (maternal aunts) as apparently that would make them closer to her than paternal aunt...

Knowing that me and her have been on non speaking terms due to her rude attitude with me for many years..

I didn’t want to hurt her, so I just indirectly correct her after each time she says to them that she is my sister.

Even though I don’t get on with her I couldn’t get myself to be so hurtful to her like your friend did.

I do however let my kids call close friends aunty

I think YANBU, OP. The "you are not going to interfere are you?" comment seems especially nasty. It seems to be her that is associating her baby to your infertility rather than you doing it.

If this is all that has happened I wouldn't be ending the friendship over it, but I think it would be tainted. I'd feel quite humiliated and patronized.

I always hated the suggestion of other people intending to 'spoil' my child, I don't like spoiled children and didn't want one. Could it just have been your choice of words?

Your friend sounds pretty horrible. I hope she's missing having your love and support in her life. Find better friends.

YANBU your friend is unkind, some women are like this with their childless friends, they act as though you’re going to steal them! I say that having been on both sides of this, I now have a toddler (but after many years) and I am happy to let my friends without children push the buggy and get involved because I remember how it felt.
Also, don’t let her use you to buy the expensive gifts at Christmas and on birthdays.

Can't believe some of the horrific names this woman has been called basically for saying and remember we don't know the actual time that a friend is going to be called 'auntie' and has been asked if they are planning on interfering with parenting which OP has stated could be seen to be a possibility.. so we've had - heartless, cruel, bitch, hurtful, harsh, nasty, mean-spirited, awful, rude... And that's just this page!! What happened to the usual Mumsnet cry of 'your baby, you decide' that usually appears when someone posts concerned about someone wanting involved in their child's life in a way they don't?!

I was highly protective of my firstborn that I dare say I was very rude to anyone who dared suggest I try one thing or another - I was determined from the outset, with almost no experience, to do things my way. Maybe it was a similar response - establishing boundaries, not necessarily you doing anything inappropriate? In any case, why didn't/don't you talk to her about how you feel? If she's like a sister to you you should be able to say these things to each other.

Im sorry but I dont think YABU at all! I am an only child following fertility struggles my DP had , and had many "Aunties" both natural ,and friends of DM who played a big part in my upbringing .I wonder if she is on the defensive as she knows your struggles. And wants to create a distance between you in case you overstep the mark in her eyes ,and she is possibly a little possessive ? Either way I think she is out of order really .Im sorry to hear of your struggles ,it must be very hard for you .take care sending hugs to you xx

tone not time above!

I don’t think it’s harsh to tell someone they will not be referred to as ‘auntie xxx’ because they are not the child’s auntie.

I think the OP sounds really nice and I’m sorry she has had a tough time and been hurt by this...but no, her friend wasn’t harsh to put the kybosh on the auntie thing. She doesn’t think it’s appropriate and swiftly nipped it in the bud. I think that’s ok.

I know my postman's name too. He's lovely.

It originated from ?100's years ago.

For a child to call an adult by their first name was considered very rude.

This was softened by adding 'auntie' as a prefix. It then became socially acceptable to call a family friend by their first name as aunty such and such.

So in years gone by, close friends were referred to a aunty such and such and not Mrs Smith.

Today we are left feeling that these honorary aunts had a special status, when in fact it was to remove some of the formality of addressing elders.

Today we use first names as this is now acceptable in society, so having to put 'auntie' before a Christian name is unnecessary.

I HATED having to call non-relatives Aunt or Uncle as a child as it forced a closeness between us that I didn't feel we had. The only exception to this was my godfather who was like a father to me.

In return there are only two children allowed to call my Auntie - the sons of my oldest friend who is like a sister to me, but as soon as they want to drop the title they can.

One friend had declared herself to be Auntie to my unborn child. I've said that that's fine only as long as my child is happy with it.

She isn't worth fretting about. Her treatment of you has been cruel and unkind. Please forgive me for asking but have you thought about adoption you sound as though you have a lot to offer x

I'm horrified reading some of these posts. If this was reversed it would be full of 'your baby, your rules' 'yes absolutely overstepping boundaries', 'tell her before baby is here/gets older than she isn't the auntie, no yanbu for not wanting her to buy things while pregnant' 'nip it in the bud before she interferes with how you raise your child if you want to remain friends'.

For the friend to have said what she did, suggests the OP rightly or wrongly has overstepped boundaries and/or made the friend uncomfortable.

As I child I had many real aunties and uncles and a few pretend ones. My mum and dad didn’t instigate it, their friends did. I had so many aunties and uncles I got confused who were my real relatives, which is why I actively discourage it for my children. It’s not necessary now that referring to an adult by their first name is perfectly fine.

sleeplessinsalford FWIW many of our mob have "honoary aunties" and no one makes a fuss re that! They do come in mightly handy for babysitting usually offered free!

Don't know quite why your friend reacted the way she did, does seem unkind perhaps she thought that as she had a child and you didnt then you'd be probally going over the top for want of a better way of putting it! with her child.

Just a thought I'm sure you'd make a very good mum but natures been unkind to you, would it be possible to adopt a child at all?. Not that easy to do but I know of two couples who have and its been very good for them all round!

When I was little you called aunties and uncles aunty and uncle, your parents friends aunty and uncle and your friends parents mr and Mrs, and any other random adults mr and Mrs. To call an adult by their first name was the height of rudeness.

These days things are different, even my nieces and nephews don't call me Aunty (though it took a long long time for my sil to accept this)

I grew up in the era of 'Aunties and Uncles' in addition to my blood relatives.

I never got confused and there were two - my mum's best friends - who I was very close to indeed.

I think she was very harsh.

As to you saying you will 'spoil' the baby - it's just an expression. I'm sure you'll buy thoughtful Christmas and birthday presents. It's all it means. Doesn't mean you'll be drowning them in sweets and tacky toys.

Can't believe some of the horrific names this woman has been called basically for saying and remember we don't know the actual time that a friend is going to be called 'auntie' and has been asked if they are planning on interfering with parenting which OP has stated could be seen to be a possibility.. so we've had - heartless, cruel, bitch, hurtful, harsh, nasty, mean-spirited, awful, rude...

Absolutely. Aside from the hideous nature of namecalling, I never understand why people think that insulting the OP's friend is going to somehow make her feel better.

Even if you don’t agree with the whole “auntie” thing the way she told you was rude and insensitive. Sorry for all you’ve been through OP 💐

I can totally understand your upset at the way she treated you, she does come across as heartless. It’s the norm in South Asian cultures to call an older close family friend an Aunt or Uncle.

Considering what you’ve been through she could have been more tactful, I hope you can move on from this but if it’s too hard then maybe consider stepping back from it and don’t let her use you for babysitting as the child gets older.

Sending virtual hugs