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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Best friend broke my heart

260 replies

sleeplessinsalford · 29/01/2020 15:18

So some background. My partner and I tried to conceive for 20 years before finally having to call it a day and move on with our lives. At the same time as all this was going on, my best friend of 30+ years was not in a relationship so she was also childless and the same age as me (now 40). She saw everything I went through whilst TTC, tests, medications, treatment etc and the many, many heartaches I experienced too. It was a very long and painful journey, with no happy ending. She was always there for me and we both had a very active interest in parenting etc and would sit and talk for hours about when we had children, the things we would do and how we would parent.

Shortly after I had reached the end of the line, she got pregnant with her new partner, which was hard for me in one way, but nevertheless I was thrilled for her and was really excited to be part of her child's life as she is like a sister to me. It felt very much like I was getting a new niece!
The first thing that was 'off' was very soon after finding out she was expecting, she said to me "you're not going to interfere on how I bring this baby up, are you?" which really took me aback, but I put it down to hormones and let it go.
But then, when she was around 6 months pregnant, I had bought her some baby things and I mentioned in passing something like "this baby is going to spoilt rotten by her Auntie Anne" - meaning by me.
Her reaction to this, floored me. Her exact words were "you're NOT her Auntie!", "she has real Aunties, and she would be confused calling you Auntie too".
I was so shocked by the outburst, I smiled my way politely through the rest of the afternoon, but when she left I literally broke my heart and cried for hours.
Some time has passed since her daughter was born and the hurt is still very much there. In my life, my parent's best friends were our Aunts, as a way of us knowing they were like family, a kind of trusted circle I suppose. I have other friends who I have known half as long who call me Auntie to their children and think she is being quite cruel, especially after all I have been through and not having any children of my own.
I can't help but feel that this has damaged our friendship irreversibly and has put a distance between me and her little girl as she knows me simply as 'Anne' in the same way she knows the postman as 'John'. I think a lot of it is me wondering how she didn't realise this would hurt me after such a long and close friendship.

I have never mentioned this to her because I value our friendship, and I get the feeling she will not understand why it has hurt me the way it has. Do you think I am being pathetic? and am I wrong to question our friendship over this?

OP posts:

CatonNZ · 29/01/2020 17:14

@sleeplessinsalford It wasn't what she said; it was how she said it.

PepePig · 29/01/2020 17:14

The reality is you probably were overbearing and she snapped. You aren't the child's auntie. You're their mum's mate who could be out of their life in a flash (like it seems like that's going to happen anyway). You aren't special to this kid.

I get you have personal reasons to be upset but you're in the wrong. You need to step back and reevaluate.

starfishmummy · 29/01/2020 17:14

I think calling non relatives aunt and uncle is not as common any more. Most kids I know dont even call their real relatives aunt and uncle, and just use their name.

SidsWife · 29/01/2020 17:16

it would have been a lovely thing to do for her best friend who is unable to have children of her own

You’re making this very much about you. Which I understand, but you also have to see why that will make her feel protective.

I had to cut off a very close friend of mine who couldn’t have children because she treated my child like her own. And it was absolutely overstepping every boundary. I loved my friend, but not as much as I loved my child.

BlueJava · 29/01/2020 17:18

YANBU to be hurt, but I think you are overthinking things a bit.

I think there used to be a tendancy for children to call people "Aunt" and "Uncle" when they weren't relatives. I called our neighbours Aunt and Uncle when I was growin up (I'm 55), my parents had friends who weren't related and they were also Aunt/Uncle. However, these days I have noticed that unless the person is actually a relative they are not called Aunt and Uncle - maybe this is where the misunderstanding comes from? I do think it's an age thing.

Quartz2208 · 29/01/2020 17:18

It is very sad OP that you were not able to do this together. I think in your own ways you were both struggling for years not having children except it was for different reasons and hers was solved by finding someone.

But you felt you were getting a new niece and someone you can spoil. For whatever reasons she feels that this would cross boundaries and she wants the baby to be hers and not something she shares with other people. Which sadly includes you.

What is interesting though is that your first paragraph is all about your struggle and how she helped you not how you saw her struggles in the same time.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 29/01/2020 17:19

In the past (i.e. my childhood & the next generation) it wasn't done for a child to call an adult by their first name, so lots of people were referred to as aunt & uncle, out of respect & politeness. If acquaintences were more formal or distant, they were Mr X or Mrs X - even neighbours were addressed like that.

I guess what your friend says goes, as it's her family. Only you can tell how upset you are by this - & maybe by the fact of her having a child? As others have said, you can still be special & a great support & inspiration to this child - quite different to the postman!

Gemm83 · 29/01/2020 17:19

OP, extremely sorry that you haven't been successful. My sister is in the same boat so can understand to some extent what you have been through.

In this instance I think you are over thinking the whole affair. Whilst I'm all for the Auntie/Uncle thing, my DH is totally anti it.

However, I have noticed in a couple of your posts that you mention your "role" in these children's lives. I find this odd.. I have a couple of extremely close friends that I have known for decades, but wouldn't consider either of them to have a "role" in my girls lives and I'm sure they wouldn't consider themselves to have either.

It does give off the impression that you were expecting to be more than just a family friend due to what you have been through, and I get the feeling that your friend knew that you might feel like that which is why she got in early with the (albeit she could of handled it a little more sensitively).

I'm sorry if that has come across as harsh, just an observation from what you have already said

Happyandglorious · 29/01/2020 17:22

Its not really about the title its about her distancing herself from you and doing it unkindly. If she would have said -oh I cant stand auntie and uncle titles but you will be her very special annie... I imagine you wouldn't have been nearly as upset.
For whatever reason she wants some distance and you are right, however painful it is for you, to respect it.
Very sad for you on all levels but nothing much you can do about it.

tinyvulture · 29/01/2020 17:22

I think how people will respond to this will largely depend on how they feel about the whole “aunty” “uncle” thing.
I had “aunties” like this when I was a child, and there is one I still call “aunty x”. So it seemed natural to introduce my close friends to my daughter as such - to be honest it just felt a little disrespectful, a very small child calling adults just by their first name. I accept that may be silly and not how most people would feel.....
As she has got older we have dropped the “aunties” and “uncles”, except for a few friends of her dad’s who are of an older generation. Indeed, I’m not sure she even calls her actual uncle and aunt this!
However, I still think it’s quite normal for small kids, and indeed I may well become “Aunty Vulture” for my little step-granddaughter when she learns to talk..... Otherwise I will just have to be Vulture, and that seems weird......
anyway, sorry, long rambling post, but yes, I think your friend was hurtful. Could you gently speak to her about it to clear the air?
I am very sorry for your struggles. Xxx

KurriKurri · 29/01/2020 17:24

Firstly I'm very sorry about your infertility, it must haveb een hard to hear your best friend was pregnant, but you seem to have coped very well and taken great joy in the fact that she was expecting.

What I think may have happened is that she has thought about the situation and knowing how much you wanted a child she has anticipated that you might want to be over involved with her child. Hence her 'interfering' remark. So she was hyper-aware of any little sign that that might be the case. In her head she was thinking 'I must be very firm about boundaries.'

So when you make what I would think is a totally harmless remark about being essentially an honorary Auntie (my kids called my friends Auntie too) she over reacts and comes out with boundary marking comment. It came out as cruel and unkind - she may or may not have meant it to be so. Possibly she didn't think it was as harsh as it sounded to you. But it was ill thought out on her part.

She probably didn't anticipate you would be so upset about it, but from your point of view it must feel that not only is she rejecting your desire for a close relationship with the baby, she is also implying that you are interfering which you actually haven't been from what you have told us. That must feel like a double whammy - unkind and unfair.

It is upsetting and it does sound as if the friendship has changed, but I would keep your relationship with her little girl, - children can never have too many kind and loving people in their lives, and your freind may calm down a bit as her baby grows up (and she wants you to babysit !!)

2stepsonthewater · 29/01/2020 17:24

She sounds a bit abrupt in how she said it. But you are hugely over-reacting. It's a difference in family-culture and upbringing. My parents never referred to any other adults as aunt or uncle if they weren't related to us. Maybe she doesn't like it in general, not personal to just you.

Janus · 29/01/2020 17:25

Honestly, I think you must put this behind you and try to ignore.
I personally hate it but my closest friend has her children call me auntie and I do think it’s special for her so I’m happy to let it go. But my actual nieces and nephews, not one call me auntie!!
There’s one other thing that’s occurred to me, maybe your friend was made to call someone auntie or uncle when she was young that she didn’t like? I know it’s a slim chance but it might be something.
It sounds like your friendship is very special and that doesn’t come along often so I’d really, really try to get past this.

WhatsTheLatest · 29/01/2020 17:25

I voted YANBU, but thinking more about your title i think she made the right call. She "broke your heat"? By not allowing her dd to call you auntie?
Way OTT. You have been through hell. She was there for you from what you said. Her life has moved on and even though it is painful for you, she has set her stall out clearly and is probably frightened of the depth of your reactions. From your title I can see why she may feel that way

NumbersStation · 29/01/2020 17:28

@Bree88

P999 · 29/01/2020 17:37

I think she was incredibly insensitive. I would have been hurt even without your history. In fact, i think you have shown true friendship in being so happy for her. 8 years ago, my best friend was struggling to conceive and was going through the whole ivf nightmare. I found myself unexpectedly and unhappily pregnant. After my partner and i had split up. And, not unusually, felt very worried about how she'd feel, as well as quite terrified for myself. She was an incredible support, but I still couldn't help worrying how she must have been feeling. Involuntary childlessness is incredibly hard. I told her how i felt. She was wonderful and i cried at how selfless her reaction was. She is still one of my best friends and a wonderful godmother to my daughter. You are not remotely being unreasonable and i wouldn't give a crap about whatever she wanted to call my DD. She could call her God or Santa clause and i wouldn't care. In my book, the more close relationships my DD has with blood family or others the better. However, can you talk about this? Perhaps your friend feels v emotional, hormones do play havoc etc? It would be v sad to lose a friendship if there are other things going on with her.

NamiSwan · 29/01/2020 17:39

I think you are BU and you sound quite overbearing and entitled in your original post and subsequent updates.

You can't expect to have a special relationship with your friends kids. I find it quite telling you mention having another friend whose kids only call you Auntie not other friends, because you're "like family". Its not fair for you to impose that expectation on your best friend and expect her to get her child to treat you differently or have a special relationship. And your expectations were probably obvious and she was laying down boundaries. I'm really shocked actually that because of your infertility you feel you have some right to your friends child, and I'm not surprised she laid down boundaries early on to nip it in the bud.

Its also bizarre that you think her child knowing you by just your name is somehow some slight on you and like you're no more important than a postman. My children absolutely adore my closest friends (both those with and without kids) and the fact they dont call them Auntie has no bearing on it. Spending time with them is what makes them love seeing my friends.

Honestly, I don't think you're being fair to her and she probably feels very uncomfortable about the situation. Ultimately it's up to you whether you can continue being her friend but I think the problem is with you, not her, sorry.

NamiSwan · 29/01/2020 17:40

I think you are BU and you sound quite overbearing and entitled in your original post and subsequent updates.

thickwoollytights · 29/01/2020 17:40

I think your friend has stated what she wants in an unkind way

She knows you can't have children and she could have been clear about her thinking but in a much softer way

I'd be very wary of her now and it would spoil the friendship for me

iem0128 · 29/01/2020 17:41

She was surely a bit insensitive. A bit rude. Some people are very funny. I remember my friend said, your husband is my husband when I was going to get married. Did I feel offended?

No, she's from Cameroon.

She said she prayed to God to give her a new pair of shoes. Well, I thought god must be busy tending to those in wars. Well, no. I don't believe in god unless I am desperate.

Feel for you so much. Now that my son is 24, I treat my rooster as my baby!

BeenHereForAges · 29/01/2020 17:46

I think she was horrid to you OP. Please do keep a step back.

Beautiful3 · 29/01/2020 17:55

I don't let my friends be known as aunty/uncle. I only allow it, if they are officially related to them. I think maybe she is trying to put boundaries down, to show that although she is your friend, she doesnt want you taking over with the baby. Perhaps you seem over enthusiastic? Maybe you should take a break from your friendship? Would you consider adopting at all?

diddl · 29/01/2020 17:56

I think she was worried about how involved you might try to be.

She told you this pretty quickly, but you didn't listen, you brushed it off as hormones

I'm not surprised she had to be more blunt with you.

LittleSweet · 29/01/2020 17:57

You count her a a closer friend than she counts you. She sounds like a mean spirited bitch to me.

Superfoodie123 · 29/01/2020 18:01

Shes an a hole IMO. All my best friends are my daughters aunties. I really value that she will have a pack of strong women to look up to, she needs to chill.

Sorry she made you feel this way

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