Best friend broke my heart

[sleeplessinsalford]

So some background. My partner and I tried to conceive for 20 years before finally having to call it a day and move on with our lives. At the same time as all this was going on, my best friend of 30+ years was not in a relationship so she was also childless and the same age as me (now 40). She saw everything I went through whilst TTC, tests, medications, treatment etc and the many, many heartaches I experienced too. It was a very long and painful journey, with no happy ending. She was always there for me and we both had a very active interest in parenting etc and would sit and talk for hours about when we had children, the things we would do and how we would parent.

Shortly after I had reached the end of the line, she got pregnant with her new partner, which was hard for me in one way, but nevertheless I was thrilled for her and was really excited to be part of her child's life as she is like a sister to me. It felt very much like I was getting a new niece!
The first thing that was 'off' was very soon after finding out she was expecting, she said to me "you're not going to interfere on how I bring this baby up, are you?" which really took me aback, but I put it down to hormones and let it go.
But then, when she was around 6 months pregnant, I had bought her some baby things and I mentioned in passing something like "this baby is going to spoilt rotten by her Auntie Anne" - meaning by me.
Her reaction to this, floored me. Her exact words were "you're NOT her Auntie!", "she has real Aunties, and she would be confused calling you Auntie too".
I was so shocked by the outburst, I smiled my way politely through the rest of the afternoon, but when she left I literally broke my heart and cried for hours.
Some time has passed since her daughter was born and the hurt is still very much there. In my life, my parent's best friends were our Aunts, as a way of us knowing they were like family, a kind of trusted circle I suppose. I have other friends who I have known half as long who call me Auntie to their children and think she is being quite cruel, especially after all I have been through and not having any children of my own.
I can't help but feel that this has damaged our friendship irreversibly and has put a distance between me and her little girl as she knows me simply as 'Anne' in the same way she knows the postman as 'John'. I think a lot of it is me wondering how she didn't realise this would hurt me after such a long and close friendship.

I have never mentioned this to her because I value our friendship, and I get the feeling she will not understand why it has hurt me the way it has. Do you think I am being pathetic? and am I wrong to question our friendship over this?

Mean spirited bitch for telling someone that they aren't a child's Aunt??

She was harsh. Trying to see it from her perspective I suspect she suddenly felt scared that you could see this as a ‘joint baby’ as silly as that sounds and decided to swiftly knock you down when you made any kind of ‘claim’ on her baby. Not very rational but new mothers aren’t especially known for this attribute!

You’ve been friends for decades and this has undoubtedly and inevitably put barriers in place. In your place I would keep in touch in a very nice yet unthreatening way. Only ever offer advice if you are absolutely sure it’s been asked for and then with great tact.

I would forge a slow but strong bond with her child if it’s possible. All parents like to talk about their offspring and frankly most people aren’t that interested. You will be. You will remember birthdays, a little card or message on first days at nursery, well done for x or y. When the baby is older an offer to babysit or watch the baby while she has a bath- you can gradually demonstrate that far from wanting to take over, youbare just thrilled to be a small support act.

Good luck and give it time. I hope you find a way together. Babies aren’t babies for long and we do still need our friends.

Honestly, I don't think you're being fair to her and she probably feels very uncomfortable about the situation.
Unfortunately I agree with this.
If it was just the aunty comment, then I'd think maybe she'd just snapped at that moment. I would have found Op's statement very cringy at best.
I'm not quite sure why I would have hated it so much, I think it does come across as "I am so important to the baby" perhaps even "I shall make her love me more than everyone else."

But the comment: "you're not going to interfere on how I bring this baby up, are you?" is very unlikely to have come out of nowhere. Something, whether it's watching you with other children, or how you were round here, has brought that comment out.

Your Op is very much centred round you, starting with the title "broke my heart". You've then got "she was there for me". Then "I was getting a new niece" and lastly " I get the feeling she will not understand why it has hurt me the way it has".
It is all about you. Perhaps try thinking from her side.

And the aunty thing is a total red herring. I called my dm's friend's aunty/uncle. That was standard. It depended entirely on dm's relationships with those people and how/when we met them. There were some of dm's friends who I knew as Aunty but didn't see them that often. There were also some who I knew and called Mrs X (or Mr). I don't look back and think Aunty J was wonderful because I called her Aunty, or think Mrs S was no fun because I called her that.
No, I can look back and love the way Mrs S showed me how to make plaits with pastry, and Mr S sung "Little Brown Jug" and let me feel his beard. Aunty J was boring and only wanted to talk to dm and diluted the squash until it wasn't worthy to be called by that name.

It sounds like she was a very good friend to you, providing a lot of support over the years despite her own loneliness. I think you're being unfair to her.

Her finally meeting a life partner was always going to change the dynamic between you. Now decisions about their child are for them to make.

You don't sound very respectful of her boundaries.

In the real world, of course you’re NBU! You were just being nice. Your friend is however not a nice person, and if I were you, I would find a kinder friend.

You're not the kid's Aunt. You're her Mother's friend.

You might have liked to be called her Aunt, but you're not.

She's set a clear boundary, which is that you are a friend, not a relative who could feel entitled to have opinions about what she does as a parent (possibly opinions such as those you have talked about in a general manner over the years). Accept them or not, your choice.

From her comment about you not interfering, I think perhaps some well meant advice really hasn't gone down well. Sorry, OP. Then your Auntie comment made her worry you'd be upping the advice & encroaching boundary wise with a title that you see gives you more status & therefore more input.

YABU. You aren’t her dc Aunt. Maybe your friend finds you a little too much? She was obviously concerned about how involved you would make yourself. There is a line and she may think you will cross it.
I’m sure she does realise how upset you may feel after failed attempts, however you seem to be making it all about you.
I think you would benefit from some counselling.

I'm quite surprised at some of these responses.

There is absolutely NO need to say to your best friend of 30 years "you're not going to interfere with how I bring up this baby, right?"

The bluntness and rudeness of the comment about being an auntie was cruel and unnecessary, in my opinion. To my friends kids, I am affectionately known (but not formally obvs) known as Auntie Paranoid (ha!). It doesn't offend anyone, it is simply a nickname.

OP your friend has acted so so so cruelly and I think it would be worth having a chat with her and saying how much her comment offended you, and that you did not mean to cause upset etc etc.

Sending you

I love being Auntie to my sisters’ children, and would have been happy to be Auntie to friends’ children too (as my parents’ friends were to me). But all my friends just used first names alone, so it didn’t happen. Just a bit disappointing, but no big deal.
However, I think your friend was very rude and unkind to you. That would gave hurt me a lot. I hope you can get past this and keep the close friendship.

What @rvby said was quite insightful, I think. Some people do treat the infertile/childless (generally only the women) as pariahs and your friend has only recently and unexpectedly 'escaped' that status. My DSis was weird with me in that way during the years I was struggling with infertility. I never felt this way with my best friend though and we have always managed to treat each other considerately, whatever's been going on.

I do think you are best to distance yourself from this woman. Look up sunk costs.

She's awful, rude and cruel.
I hope she brings her daughter up to have empathy and be kind.

I think this is really sad and quite hurtful, YANBU.

My DH and I have suffered 8 miscarriages and my best friend is currently heavily pregnant, I've bought her lots of stuff like cute little onesies and a few blankets etc and she always refers to me as babies "Auntie (my name)" and also has been very sensitive in the fact that she's pregnant and has considered my feelings such as not sharing scan photos etc until I asked to see them/asked how her check up with midwife went etc.

I told her from the start how happy I am for her and have no bitterness inside me, I'm very excited for the birth of her baby and I can't wait to have a cuddle and in fact, I think her pregnancy has bought us closer.

I think your friend is being really harsh and not very nice at all.

What would've happened she had allowed you to call yourself aunt and then you fell out a few years later and never spoke again? You'd likely just never be mentioned again and forgotten.
A biological aunt will usual still be mentioned by others in the family even if there's been a falling out. Family members will gather for funerals,the cousins might get to know each other, might look into the family tree when older etc

There's a big difference between an actual family member and a family friend.

She's crazy mean, it would do no harm calling you auntie and it would not confuse a child. I think it is a nice thing and I know plenty of people who have friends who are 'aunts' to their kids, they all get along like big happy families and it's nice to see that.

YANBU. It’s unnecessarily cruel and thoughtless.
It takes a tribe to raise a well rounded child. My best friend could expect my children to call her whatever she wanted and I wouldn’t say a word, regardless of my culture/ upbringing. Why? Because she’s my best friend. And if you can’t do that for your bestie, then what on Earth is that friendship about?

Is she as cutting in her responses since she’s had the baby? Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones making her behave to you like that.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable btw, because she sounded unnecessarily harsh, regardless of the rights or wrongs of what she said.

@purpledaisies I was definitely thrilled!! We had been friends and not had a baby between us in 30 years, maybe that is hard to imagine if you haven't been there? I don't know... but it was a very exciting time because we both had got to the point we thought we'd never have any children. I think anyone would be excited?

For Me, this is what says it all. You aren’t having a child between you, she is having a child. Not one for you both to share.

I’m very sorry she hurt your feelings, and perhaps she could’ve been kinder about it, but I’m getting the feeling she thought you expected to share in everything with the child.

As to a previous poster who said this You were being harmless and she could've indulged you all things considered. Seems mean spirited on her part but it's her dc so she can behave as she pleases I suppose.

Just, no. She shouldn’t have to indulge anybody. It’s her child and if she doesn’t want something, that is her right.

Totally nasty and unnecessary. Hope you are okay

There is absolutely NO need to say to your best friend of 30 years "you're not going to interfere with how I bring up this baby, right?"

I suppose it depends on what their comments about hypothetical parenting had been like in the past. Perhaps they had some very different opinions on things. Perhaps they had discussed what other friends were doing with their children that they felt was wrong. Everyone is a perfect parent until they have their own children.

OP, I get it, I really do. But maybe her reaction wasn't actually about you.
When I gave birth my mil started referring to all her friends as aunty. I was brought up to have a really special connection to (real) aunts and uncles, and didn't want every Tom, Dick and Harry (or Anne, Beryl and Cathy) to be referred to as such. Not least because he would have ended up with hundreds of them. She went ballistic! Started screaming at me that I was obviously a disrespectful so and so etc etc. I explained that the way I'd been brought up was to use it with real aunts and uncles and felt it was disrespectful to them to assign the name to other people. She carried on screaming at me, telling me I hadn't been brought up well in that case, calling me names, throwing around threats and insults.
Unfortunately I later met with a family friend who referred to herself as 'aunty. I was more brusque with her than I intended to be (due to high emotions following mil and general hormones) and she left the table in tears. I phoned her and explained and apologised.
Please don't take it too much to heart. It may not be a reflection on how she feels about you, or sees your role in her kids life.

I am CBC, but have at least 20 "nieces" and "nephews" that I dote on. We're all happy with it. Even my West Point-graduate "niece" calls me Aunt Twunt. Only a few refer to me in person as auntie, but that's how they refer to me elsewhere. (Since they're now all past the age of 20, I wouldn't expect to be called "Aunt Twunt"!)

Conversely, I have cousins who are 20 years younger than me, and they made it very clear that I'm their childrens' cousin, not aunt. I pointed out the fact that I'm 50+ years older than the kids might confuse them and that it would be easier all around for them to call me their aunt, but crickets.

Different strokes for different folks, I suppose, but I love all of my honorary nieces and nephews! And they, in turn, love me.

I can understand both perspectives. She is worried you will become overbearing and suffocating so she’s being firm and ensuring that doesn’t happen early on. She probably thinks you will channel everything you wanted to be as a parent into her child instead and she understandably doesn’t want that. I can totally see her side.

On the flip side, I deeply feel for you and all you have experienced. I can totally understand why you feel heartbroken and I don’t think you had sinister intentions whatsoever.

I feel for you OP - even if your friend doesn't like the idea of her child calling you "auntie", she needn't have been so harsh about it. Especially after the struggles she knows you've had - and asking if you're going to "interfere" is so rude. Doesn't sound like a very nice friend to me, on the other hand it sounds like you're being a very supportive friend considering what you've been through.

It’s cruel and harsh what she did. But maybe she felt sensnifve and pushed because you sounded intrusive ? If that’s the case call her out on her rudeness but also appologise for imposing

She is probably insecure about her bond with her child and feels like she doesn’t want anyone competing with her on it

Typical with PFB. I experienced it. Embarrassed to look back but yeh sounds a bit natural m