Best friend broke my heart

[sleeplessinsalford]

So some background. My partner and I tried to conceive for 20 years before finally having to call it a day and move on with our lives. At the same time as all this was going on, my best friend of 30+ years was not in a relationship so she was also childless and the same age as me (now 40). She saw everything I went through whilst TTC, tests, medications, treatment etc and the many, many heartaches I experienced too. It was a very long and painful journey, with no happy ending. She was always there for me and we both had a very active interest in parenting etc and would sit and talk for hours about when we had children, the things we would do and how we would parent.

Shortly after I had reached the end of the line, she got pregnant with her new partner, which was hard for me in one way, but nevertheless I was thrilled for her and was really excited to be part of her child's life as she is like a sister to me. It felt very much like I was getting a new niece!
The first thing that was 'off' was very soon after finding out she was expecting, she said to me "you're not going to interfere on how I bring this baby up, are you?" which really took me aback, but I put it down to hormones and let it go.
But then, when she was around 6 months pregnant, I had bought her some baby things and I mentioned in passing something like "this baby is going to spoilt rotten by her Auntie Anne" - meaning by me.
Her reaction to this, floored me. Her exact words were "you're NOT her Auntie!", "she has real Aunties, and she would be confused calling you Auntie too".
I was so shocked by the outburst, I smiled my way politely through the rest of the afternoon, but when she left I literally broke my heart and cried for hours.
Some time has passed since her daughter was born and the hurt is still very much there. In my life, my parent's best friends were our Aunts, as a way of us knowing they were like family, a kind of trusted circle I suppose. I have other friends who I have known half as long who call me Auntie to their children and think she is being quite cruel, especially after all I have been through and not having any children of my own.
I can't help but feel that this has damaged our friendship irreversibly and has put a distance between me and her little girl as she knows me simply as 'Anne' in the same way she knows the postman as 'John'. I think a lot of it is me wondering how she didn't realise this would hurt me after such a long and close friendship.

I have never mentioned this to her because I value our friendship, and I get the feeling she will not understand why it has hurt me the way it has. Do you think I am being pathetic? and am I wrong to question our friendship over this?

It felt very much like I was getting a new niece!

I have other friends who I have known half as long who call me Auntie to their children and think she is being quite cruel, especially after all I have been through and not having any children of my own.

her little girl as she knows me simply as 'Anne' in the same way she knows the postman as 'John'

How are 50% voting YANBU? This level of drama over not being called Auntie is bonkers.

"How are 50% voting YANBU? This level of drama over not being called Auntie is bonkers."

I know!

No wonder she was told to back away!

I agree her language and tone might have been tactless but if you are important to the child it really doesn’t matter what they call you. I am very close to a friend’s two children (including being godmother to one). For geographical reasons I see more of them and know them better than their actual aunts and uncles. The fact they call me Defence and not Aunty Defence doesn’t make me the same to them as the postman!

My own best friend is my actual biological aunt who by the quirks of a large Catholic family is only 18 months older than me. I’ve never referred to her as Aunty but she’s still my best friend in the world.

My own DC don't call anyone Aunty or Uncle and nor do any of their cousins. I don’t know why, it wasn’t a conscious decision and we didn’t discuss it as a family but they all call all relations apart from parents and grandparents by their first names. It certainly doesn’t change their feelings or respect for the adults involved.

As someone in your position I'd say ditch her now because this is just the start of her upsetting, insulting and patronising you.

Seriously? The woman doesn't want her child to be confused. Why is that such a bad thing?

Loooil nv v

I don't know why I didn't see the solution to this sooner, OP.

Tell her you identify as the child's Aunt. If she points out you aren't tell her your feelings are more important than her facts. If she continues, tell her she's denying your existance.

If she still won't listen, phone 101 and report her under section 4A of the 1986 Public Order act.

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1986/64

Seriously? The woman doesn't want her child to be confused. Why is that such a bad thing

Because it's common for us childless women. Interest = interfering. Not interested = petulant and childish. We're to,d we can't possibly understand, that we're not proper women, that we don't know what love is, that we are not important in this world. Fuck that. Been there and had those nights weeping through pain of not just being infertile, but for being treated differently, with suspicion, dismissed after friends got pregnant. Easier to ditch and move on. It will only get worse.

YANBU. Totally unnecessary and unkind. Your were good enough to support and share feelings with over so many years. I would feel hurt too... she's put you in your place hasn't she? I would be keeping my distance

I don’t think the problem is with the aunt name or interfering. Not really.

The way it was said may not have been the nicest. But new mum is saying back off because this baby is not anything to do with you (fair enough but for the gift requests) and old friend is hurting because her old friend has a new life now and it doesn’t sound as though there is a place for her.

I might be mistaken. Both are right to feel as they do. It is just a shame it wasn’t handled a bit more sensitively considering the years of friendship and struggles they’ve shared together.

It would be a shame for the friendship to end but a step back will enable them to see if this friendship is going to survive.

And sometimes you have to accept that feelings and people change.

And that is sad but it is life.

And I’ve walked in those shoes @Leighhalfpennysthigh

And yes... the not knowing what love is? A massive kick that was.

Sorry. I gave that love to my darling dog. She was my strength when my babies died, my partner disappeared and my world collapsed. When I was told I was too damaged to carry any more children myself, the dog was there. When my friend decided I wasn’t worthy, the dog was there. She was my world and my strength of love was fine. And it would have been fine if I could have had a child.

How I resented being told I didn’t know love. I bloody well did. I loved.

But then I wasn’t capable of being a friend either because I couldn’t be like her mum friends because I couldn’t be a mum and know what they knew.

And of course they didn’t want me near them at all when he left because I was also looking to steal their husbands too.

I took a massive step back from people in general after that.

The friend told the op not to interfere, then months later the op is telling the friend that she was going to spoil the child and be the child's aunt is what I would class as interfering. It does sound like the op was riding roughshod over her friends feelings,

I suspect if your friend is on MN, this post will be the final nail in the coffin of your friendship.

Hi OP,
I am very sorry to hear of your fertility struggles, I too know how heart breaking this is. It is a very difficult to accept but from your posts it sounds like you don't let this colour your relationships with others who have children.

YANBU - I think your friend was very harsh and I can't understand why she felt it was okay to speak to you that way. I too would be upset. Like you, I would be fine with not being called Auntie but it would be the way she said it that would hurt me.
I also don't like the presents wish list, this should only be sent if you ask for ideas.
I think it is a good thing that you don't see as much of each other.
Although as some have said maybe she's had some bad experiences herself which have caused her to be so defensive and unkind. This might explain her behaviour.

You sound like such a lovely and thoughtful person. I hope you are taking care of your mental health and have the support you need to move forward following such a difficult 20 years x

I don’t think she’s wrong for wanting to take a step back. She obviously felt that you were over invested in her child, she knew how much you wanted a baby and you had already styled yourself as an Aunty without asking her or letting her make that decision herself. I’d have interpreted that as a bit pushy and overbearing, and I’d naturally have withdrawn in response. She was probably worried you’d see her child as the closest you’d ever have to your own child, and concerned that you’d want or expect too much involvement. It’s natural that she felt possessive and wanted to establish boundaries. Yes she probably is keeping you at arms length because she doesn’t want you to have the level of involvement that you want. But I don’t think you can be offended by that - it’s her decision if she doesn’t want “aunties” or close mother-type figures in her child’s life, and it’s perfectly reasonable for her not to want that. You need to accept that the child isn’t your niece and your friend doesn’t want you in an Aunty type role. It’s up to you if you want to continue with the friendship in its new format but I don’t think you can blame her for not wanting to share the mothering role.

Because it's common for us childless women. Interest = interfering. Not interested = petulant and childish. We're to,d we can't possibly understand, that we're not proper women, that we don't know what love is, that we are not important in this world. Fuck that. Been there and had those nights weeping through pain of not just being infertile, but for being treated differently, with suspicion, dismissed after friends got pregnant. Easier to ditch and move on. It will only get worse.

As someone with no children I've come across some of that but in my case it isn't a majority view. There are others out there that don't respond in that way. I do get the occasional thoughtless remark from some friends with children. However, my partner has custody of his DD because her biological mother is a shit mum. So these days if I encounter too much of it I just shrug and say 'well, I seem to do more for Jane than her actual mother does' and they shut up.

It looks like she is worried you are too domineering to her.

@Derbee

“ I suspect if your friend is on MN, this post will be the final nail in the coffin of your friendship.”.

That thought crossed my mind as well.

“S ome time has passed since her daughter was born and the hurt is still very much there”

Re-Reading original post, this line has stood on. Stop focusing on a casual comment made probably over a year ago. Enjoy the friendship and the child going forward.. I favourite mn phrase is ‘comparison is the thief of joy’, and I think an element of that is happening here. You are dwelling on the past and not enjoying the friendship you have today.

I wonder what led to her making the comment about you interfering in how her child was raised. It would seem logical that you'd been making comments and it led to her saying that.

I'm also not sure why you were buying baby stuff when she was only six months.

I'd maybe take a step back and wonder if maybe there are two sides to this and she felt the need to put her boundaries in place as you were maybe being quite over bearing and over involved. I'm not saying you were, but maybe try to think about of something in your behavuour led to hers.

I don't have nieces and nephews as my brother died. I am blessed with my own children but part of my sadness was that I would never be Auntie to anyone. When my stepsister referred to me as Auntie to her children it meant so much to me.

Sorry op. Tbh I think your friend sounds like a cow. I would dropped her as a friend. Taking your history into account that attitude stinks

The first thing that was 'off' was very soon after finding out she was expecting, she said to me "you're not going to interfere on how I bring this baby up, are you?" which really took me aback, but I put it down to hormones and let it go.

Then before the baby is even born OP is buying clothes, declaring herself 'Auntie' and saying she is going to spoil the baby.

My friends called themselves aunty xx when I was pregnant, they all gave me baby clothes and told me they were excited to meet baby and spoil her.

I don’t think think is even a cultural thing as the friends are of all different cultures.

I never saw it as ‘declaring’ themselves aunty and the clothes gifts was really really sweet.

I thought that was normal from close friends.

All my good mates are aunty so and so and vice versa, I think she was harsh (maybe worries you were overstepping boundaries) but ridiculously cruel

Some posts are really odd. Buying some clothes for the baby once pregnancy is well established and expressing joy and excitement to see the new baby, isn't that what friends do? Mine did. And "oh auntie X is gonna spoil he" is just something we say. No need to get hysterical over it. I don't think you did anything wrong, but enjoy the little girl and the relationship you have. Try not to dwell on the past, it only brings grief.

@NumbersStation yes to everything you've said. My dogs have been my constant companions throughout all the pain and loss and I love them totally and completely.