Best friend broke my heart

[sleeplessinsalford]

So some background. My partner and I tried to conceive for 20 years before finally having to call it a day and move on with our lives. At the same time as all this was going on, my best friend of 30+ years was not in a relationship so she was also childless and the same age as me (now 40). She saw everything I went through whilst TTC, tests, medications, treatment etc and the many, many heartaches I experienced too. It was a very long and painful journey, with no happy ending. She was always there for me and we both had a very active interest in parenting etc and would sit and talk for hours about when we had children, the things we would do and how we would parent.

Shortly after I had reached the end of the line, she got pregnant with her new partner, which was hard for me in one way, but nevertheless I was thrilled for her and was really excited to be part of her child's life as she is like a sister to me. It felt very much like I was getting a new niece!
The first thing that was 'off' was very soon after finding out she was expecting, she said to me "you're not going to interfere on how I bring this baby up, are you?" which really took me aback, but I put it down to hormones and let it go.
But then, when she was around 6 months pregnant, I had bought her some baby things and I mentioned in passing something like "this baby is going to spoilt rotten by her Auntie Anne" - meaning by me.
Her reaction to this, floored me. Her exact words were "you're NOT her Auntie!", "she has real Aunties, and she would be confused calling you Auntie too".
I was so shocked by the outburst, I smiled my way politely through the rest of the afternoon, but when she left I literally broke my heart and cried for hours.
Some time has passed since her daughter was born and the hurt is still very much there. In my life, my parent's best friends were our Aunts, as a way of us knowing they were like family, a kind of trusted circle I suppose. I have other friends who I have known half as long who call me Auntie to their children and think she is being quite cruel, especially after all I have been through and not having any children of my own.
I can't help but feel that this has damaged our friendship irreversibly and has put a distance between me and her little girl as she knows me simply as 'Anne' in the same way she knows the postman as 'John'. I think a lot of it is me wondering how she didn't realise this would hurt me after such a long and close friendship.

I have never mentioned this to her because I value our friendship, and I get the feeling she will not understand why it has hurt me the way it has. Do you think I am being pathetic? and am I wrong to question our friendship over this?

@purpledaisies That's hard to explain! I suppose my other friends just make an effort to involve me in their lives. I get messages about their kids, what they are up to etc. I get invited to occasions and am made me feel like my role in their lives is important. One friend specifically only calls me and my partner Auntie and Uncle because is it important to her that her child knows we are like family.
My 'best friend' on the other hand doesn't have any other friends but me and still keeps a distance. That's her right, but also a shock and hurtful after a lifelong friendship.

I think my overall sense was that she was keeping me at arms length, so I now keep myself there too.

A good plan, OP.

Bless you. Sending you a hug. I once called my friend, my child's auntie Katie. She put her hand on her heart and said aww I love that. She invests in my children much more than any family. It is harsh what she has said. I don't have any advice really. It's going to sting. You can't change people though sadly x

Yabu, you needed to ask her instead of assuming.

It’s irreverent that what your family traditions were by calling non family members family titles, these are clearly not her traditions or wants for her child, however she could have went about it in a nicer way.

I think your friend was horrible. Especially given your struggles. Unless you were being overbearing which nothing in your post suggests was the case.

It’s not the fact that she doesn’t want to use Aunty. It’s the way she said it. My children don’t call their actual aunties and uncles Aunty and uncle, just their first name. They do call a couple of friends aunty.

In Wales, it’s the norm for children to call any adult Aunty or Uncle as in,”give the money to Aunty” when paying in a shop.

Imo, your friend was cruel and unnecessary and it’s nothing to do with liking to use ‘Aunty’ or not.

Completely missing the point, who knows their postman’s name?

Me. Rural area. If there's anything that needs signing for he calls into where I work and gets me to sign for it there. But shh, do not tell Royal Mail he does this.

@PurpleDaisies

I know our postie names too. (And Hermes delivery guy) If they are new and deliver a signed for or parcel, they introduce themselves.
They are all grand

You are allowed to feel hurt that you imagined being an aunty and she is allowed to only want to call family members auntie.

Neither of you are wrong, but the relationship may end up ruined if you hold this in and don't tell her what you are feeling.

In our house everyone is Auntie and Uncle but that's just how I chose to do it. If a friend told me she'd prefer me not to be auntie it wouldn't mean I wasn't important (I know easier said).

I am sorry about everything you have been through

Completely missing the point, who knows their postman’s name?

I had that thought I've had the same 3 postmen rotating through my route for a decade, not the slightest ideas what their names are as even when I'm taking in neighbours' parcels more than once in the same day, they're much too busy to talk.

sleeplessinsalford She was a bit harsh, but like others I can't help but think there is likely reasons for the first comment and if anyone - childhood friend or not - had come bouncing up to me with presents declaring themselves an Auntie when I was 6 months pregnant with my first, it would have been a struggle for me not to snap too. I was in a lot of discomfort, worried, dealing with so much shite -- trying to play excited for other people's excitement was not in the cards and it made me feel like I wasn't living up to some ideal.

And no, I don't get excited when other women announce their pregnancies to me -- I'm pleased for them and offer to be a sounding board or help as needed. I let them take the lead on how to react and try to keep my main feeling - worry - to myself, but maybe because I'm not much of a baby person or because I am so often that sounding board for the concerns and pains, and I've been and had friends who were gravely ill while pregnant, some ended up in high dependency wards, and had one friend die in childbirth barely a year before I was pregnant with my first, pleased and quietly optimistic is about as close to excitement as I'm going to get when it comes to pregnancy. Having talked to especially older women, that's apparently not as uncommon as it felt when I was having my first and thought something was wrong with me with strongly disliking others' excitement and plan making.

I'm afraid I'm with her about the Auntie thing. I HATED it as a child when I was asked to call my parents' friends Auntie this or Uncle that when they just WEREN'T - I was only ever asked to do this by the people themselves and never by my parents.

I think it's probably normal in some families - you say it was normal in yours. But it's not normal in others, and you must respect that. Your friend meant you no disrespect at all, it's just not appropriate in her family.

For what it's worth, we have no family here in this country apart from my father, but we have a very close group of friends who we love very much and we all go on holiday together, hang out regularly etc. and our children have grown up with them all their lives. They have one uncle who they have met about 5 times because of geography. We don't call these friends their Aunties or Uncles, but we do refer to them as our "family" and talk about going on "family holidays", "family Christmas dinner" etc. so I think the children understand that you can make your own family in a way which I think is nice. It can be a flexible term.

Please respect your friend's feelings on this matter and don't let it drive a wedge between you.

@sleeplessinsalford my reading of your post is that she has done something that many folk do when they are faced with having good luck, in the context of a close friend having complementary bad luck -

They feel insecure / as if they don't deserve the luck, start worrying about how the unlucky friend is going to feel / act / react (will she be angry with me? will she suck the joy out of this? am i a bad person for worrying about these things? am i not worrying enough, what if my baby suffers due to my friend's reaction? etc.)

and they panic a bit, and that causes them to want to distance themselves, because they don't have the emotional skill and insight to cope with the differences in luck, and to see that they are being a bit unreasonable and unkind. Basically - they feel awkward and want the feeling of awkwardness to stop.

And so, they start making up a story to themselves about how their unlucky friend maybe isn't that great.

This makes it possible to get distance from that friend, without the attendant (and appropriate) feelings of guilt and loss. They can imagine that they did the right thing and there is nothing to regret or mourn in the face of that friendship changing.

They can simply blame the unlucky friend for being "bitter", "overbearing", or whatever is convenient.

Something similar happened with my DSis when I left my exh. She simply could not cope with me being unlucky, upset, or different from her. And so, she made up a story to herself about me, and dropped out of my life. Now she carries on doing her thing, secure in the knowledge that she was right to distance herself from me, and much more comfortable for not having to contend with my emotions.

It's an extremely sad thing but it happens much more often than you think. I have friends who have experienced similar when their partner or child dies some folk just cannot cope with the complexities of life and the fact that bad things sometimes happen to good people.

Personally, I think you have every right to be upset. What she said, both times, seems over the top and cruel. What I do think you need to do is talk to her. Don't let this get in the way of your friendship if you can help it. TALK to her. Ask her if there is something that she is worried about/ explain how her comments made you feel. If my best friend, who had been there for me all my life through difficult fertility issues, who I grew up with, had an issue with me being their child's auntie in name, I would be appalled. Yes she may have some boundary issues, but that's why you need to talk to her.
I really don't understand why people don't address these sorts of things.... esp as you say it is because you are afraid that it will ruin your friendship.... if you say nothing, it will likely ruin your friendship, because resentment and hurt will fester.
It sounds like there might be a reason why she wants to keep you at a distance - it is up to her to explain that, and then you can talk it out.
I'm sorry you are going through this, sounds very hard :(

it would have been a lovely thing to do for her best friend who is unable to have children of her own

I think therein lies your problem. It’s nothing to do with her being worried about you interfering in how she parents, and everything to do with her being worried that you might see her daughter as your surrogate child given your own (terribly sad, heartbreakingly difficult) history in trying to have your own family. And she must have picked up on your own feelings in this matter, which are summed up perfectly in that sentence of your own above, and had her own fears and feelings of wanting to protect her parental bond.

It’s very sad. I feel for you both.

Btw, when I say surrogate child, that’s not my opinion on how you feel about the baby, that’s my opinion on how I suspect her fears and feelings have probably built during the course of her pregnancy.

It sounds like this friendship has run its course. She sounds paranoid that your childlessness will lead to you being overbearing in her child's life which tbh sounds like her opinion of you is pretty low. Also makes her very insensitive. Which means you're not getting much out of the friendship either. I wouldn't contact her again tbh and if she asks why just tell her. Then maybe leave it at that.

Aww I feel for you. You sound like a loving and loyal friend. Have some cool points for being fabulous!
I’m so sorry you haven’t been able to conceive. That must be very hard, well done for coming to terms with it as well as you have.

I am going to say yabu because the ‘auntie’ moniker isn’t applied as standard. My mum’s friends were simply known to me by their first names.
I think she was possibly worried you were heading into overstepping boundaries and muscling in, owing to all the discussions you’ve shared about parenting over the years. Talking about parenting isn’t quite the same as doing it and she may have felt defensive and proprietorial over her baby when you enthusiastically gave yourself the title of ‘auntie’. An over-familiarity too far, staking your claim before she awarded it to you herself.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. You were well-intentioned. I don’t think this reflects her feelings about you as such but about her baby.

I am very sorry you are hurt and I completely understand why you feel that way. My best friend and I have exactly the same situation - we both battled infertility for years. Last year, my battle ended as we became parents, her battle continues. She's my dearest friend and I would be beyond mortified to think I somehow hurt her so my husband and I decided to ask her and her husband to be our DD's guardians/godparents. My DD has her auntie (my sister) and uncles but my best friend has her own title and will be a very important part of my DDs life.

I do think that your friend should have thought about this and tbh, if my best friend said to me what you said to her, I'd let her have whatever title she wanted. I can also understand that she may want to keep aunt/uncle titles strictly biological but her reaction sounds harsh, especially after what she said about interfering.

I'm sorry you're hurt

My son has never referred to his aunts and uncles as that, just by their first name. He may have said to me "are we going to Auntie Sue's today" but in person has always addressed her as "Sue". I think you're putting too much store on the value of the title

Not read full thread, but I can 100% see why you feel upset . Your friend was like a sister to you and so naturally, you saw yourself as family to her DD.

I would never in a million years tell a close friend that I knew dearly wanted children and couldn't have them that they're wrong to want to be an auntie figure to my children. That would be cruel beyond words. Rubbing in your distress.

I think give her wide berth and step back. The friendship isn't reciprocated to the same degree and she questions your motives. I think you ought to preserve your dignity.

I bet she comes running for babysitting duties later though. If I were you I'd politely decline.

I understand you, OP, and I am so sorry for all you've been through, this must be the last straw on top of all your problems conceiving. I think your best friend has been rather unkind, particularly if you both come from a culture where family friends are addressed as "Auntie" and "Uncle" out of respect and courtesy. Oddly, your post has made me realise that the woman I thought was my best friend for a long time, actually has not been for more than 30 years, for similar reasons to yours. Time to consciously uncouple the friendship, for both you and me, I think

OP, you sound like a really nice, self-aware person. Very gently, I think YABU in your original post, but I've read your other comments.

I don’t like the thing of kids calling people Auntie when they aren’t. To be honest in my family we don’t even say it about our actual aunties. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t value you and your input with her child. I can see how this is hard for you. I really can

This ^ We also don't use Aunt, even for Aunts! A neighbour calls everyone Aunty and even Granny (for anyone she deems old enough). She's convinced people love it, I loathe it

Good luck going forward with your friendship, OP.

Here I am friendless wishing I had one who my kids could fondly call auntie..

Do try to see it from her POV - it's not something she's comfortable with, end of. We've got friends who historically were Aunty X and Uncle Y but the kids find it weird now they're old enough to know full well we're not related, and don't use the prefixes.
You can be as close as an actual Auntie, and as important, to your friend's daughter. Perhaps she feels some guilt that she's the lucky one with a baby, and/or is worried you'll try to be overly involved? Either way, this must be really hurtful and I am so sorry. As time passes maybe you and her daughter can have a close relationship. I'd let her call the shots though.

OP you were dealt a rough card in life and I really feel for you for not being able to fulfil your desire for your own child. So, I don’t want to add to your sorrow by being deliberately unkind. Reading your post though, you made this pregnancy very much about you. You do sound a bit proprietorial about your friend’s baby. While your circumstances are sad, it does not mean you are owed a particularly special status in this child’s life, especially not over and above her actual family. It’s neither your friend’s nor the baby’s ‘job’ to fill that big aching hole that not being able to have kids left you with. Life is seldom so black and white and on the whole people, especially close friends aren’t deliberately hurtful or set on alienating you. I think we are missing a lot of context and I get the impression that in your excitement you perhaps lost sight of normal and healthy boundaries. I don’t think your friend’s comment by your friend to you "you're not going to interfere on how I bring this baby up, are you?" was a random, isolated remark. It sounds more like you have got carried away and see this ‘miracle’ pregnancy as a joint event and are encroaching a bit too much into her new life as a mother. I think your friend is trying to protect very natural limits, especially as a first-time mother and in your excitement, perhaps you have failed to respect some boundaries, which is why she perhaps felt it necessary to remind you that you are not close or immediate family. Rather than make this about your pain about what you see as rejection, try to be mindful of not being too pushy or getting too overinvolved. Just give her a bit more room to breathe and find her feet as a mother and show her you won’t interfere.

It sounds like you’ve come across quite overbearing. Maybe even this is something that goes way back and you’ve never realised because that’s just how your friendship has always been. She’s obviously been thinking about it and it’s possible somebody has told her “make sure you set boundaries from the beginning” in regards to the baby.

Best thing you can do is show her that you’re not that person, you can respect her wishes when it comes to every parenting decision she makes, etc.