Best friend broke my heart

[sleeplessinsalford]

So some background. My partner and I tried to conceive for 20 years before finally having to call it a day and move on with our lives. At the same time as all this was going on, my best friend of 30+ years was not in a relationship so she was also childless and the same age as me (now 40). She saw everything I went through whilst TTC, tests, medications, treatment etc and the many, many heartaches I experienced too. It was a very long and painful journey, with no happy ending. She was always there for me and we both had a very active interest in parenting etc and would sit and talk for hours about when we had children, the things we would do and how we would parent.

Shortly after I had reached the end of the line, she got pregnant with her new partner, which was hard for me in one way, but nevertheless I was thrilled for her and was really excited to be part of her child's life as she is like a sister to me. It felt very much like I was getting a new niece!
The first thing that was 'off' was very soon after finding out she was expecting, she said to me "you're not going to interfere on how I bring this baby up, are you?" which really took me aback, but I put it down to hormones and let it go.
But then, when she was around 6 months pregnant, I had bought her some baby things and I mentioned in passing something like "this baby is going to spoilt rotten by her Auntie Anne" - meaning by me.
Her reaction to this, floored me. Her exact words were "you're NOT her Auntie!", "she has real Aunties, and she would be confused calling you Auntie too".
I was so shocked by the outburst, I smiled my way politely through the rest of the afternoon, but when she left I literally broke my heart and cried for hours.
Some time has passed since her daughter was born and the hurt is still very much there. In my life, my parent's best friends were our Aunts, as a way of us knowing they were like family, a kind of trusted circle I suppose. I have other friends who I have known half as long who call me Auntie to their children and think she is being quite cruel, especially after all I have been through and not having any children of my own.
I can't help but feel that this has damaged our friendship irreversibly and has put a distance between me and her little girl as she knows me simply as 'Anne' in the same way she knows the postman as 'John'. I think a lot of it is me wondering how she didn't realise this would hurt me after such a long and close friendship.

I have never mentioned this to her because I value our friendship, and I get the feeling she will not understand why it has hurt me the way it has. Do you think I am being pathetic? and am I wrong to question our friendship over this?

@purpledaisies I don't think I use other people's kids as a coping mechanism, but it is nice to be around children of course.
I think we were both quite overbearing about our opinions on parenting whilst we sat two childless friends talking about things in theory. My guess is that once there was a real baby on the way she was worried I would stick my nose in. Maybe she was right! I respect her right to place boundaries, and I have not stuck my nose in once since she came along

I don't think I use other people's kids as a coping mechanism, but it is nice to be around children of course.

The tone of your post and how over excited you are about your friend’s child makes me suspect otherwise.

You sound like a good friend . Try to keep the friendship .

I do think you need to put aside your sad news in the same circle as the new baby and her friendship. Sadly whilst I can see why you felt this would be kind , after your own upset , not everyone thinks the same way. They are different things.

I was once told that not everything is about me .... it was a bitter pill to swallow but infact perhaps at times so involved in my own issues , I took everything as a personal attack and slant agaisnt me. It is not and I think we all need to realise our own journey is not entwined in our friends.

I say this not to upset . Be kind to yourself x

In the nicest way, she doesn't owe you a 'position' in the child's life because you couldn't conceive. It does sound a little like you may have been a bit overbearing and pushing the relationship a little as a replacement for your own child. She may have been a little firm or abrupt but she has a right to boundaries.

I think you are overthinking this massively OP. I understand that you would prefer to be 'Auntie', but it's really up to your friend. I think it's unfair for you to say that your friend has 'broken your heart' and this will only have an impact if you are determined to let it.

has put a distance between me and her little girl as she knows me simply as 'Anne'

The distance is only there if you let it be there.
I have a close friend & as kids we called each other’s parents aunt & uncle but even though we were brought up like that it actually makes my hackles rise when she refers to me, to her kids, as auntie Sue. I am not their aunt. I have a nephew & niece, I am their aunt.
I don’t think you should let it affect your closeness to her or her DD. She hasn’t said it to be hurtful. I certainly never meant to be hurtful to my friend when my DD’s don’t refer to her as auntie Liz.

Don’t think either of you are being unreasonable just a disagreement on things, I grew up calling two of my mothers close friends auntie, but when I had children I didn’t want to do it with my own and in my opinion I’m glad I have, as other children around my area think half the other children in our area are they cousins in some way and that half the adults around here are they aunts and uncles example- mothers best friend gets referred to as aunt child grows up meets another child who is the best friends actual niece they believe they cousins and child thinks the other child’s father is her uncle, other child’s father is called uncle by they best friends child, all three children believe they cousins and so on and so on and so on, you see one of the parents out and say oh I never knew ..... was your brother and you get the response ‘who’ explain who your talking about in a lot more detail and they go no why would you think that, we also get teenagers calling strangers auntie and adults say I don’t even know the child

In our family, we never referred to close friends of our parents as ‘aunties’ or uncles, and those terms were on,y used for blood relatives. Maybe she was brought up the same way.

I don’t think her reply was unreasonable, but I do think you crying for hours and still being hurt all this time was a bit over the top. You not being an Aunty is no reflection on your friendship, and you can still be special to the child.

The relationship probably has changed because she is a mother now, and her focus is elsewhere. That’s normal, and nothing to do with the Aunty comment. Maybe she thinks that you’ve pulled back and has changed, if you are still hurt, maybe acting more distant without realising too.

@purpledaisies I was definitely thrilled!! We had been friends and not had a baby between us in 30 years, maybe that is hard to imagine if you haven't been there? I don't know... but it was a very exciting time because we both had got to the point we thought we'd never have any children. I think anyone would be excited?

@tinydancer123 I understand your point completely, and you are right! It's not all about me. There may have been more going on with her than I thought about, and I realise that now.

has put a distance between me and her little girl as she knows me simply as 'Anne'

Which is your name.I dont know,i think maybe you have been a bit overbearing and maybe she got the tone wrong in telling you.But theres something here i cant quite put my finger on.

Not necessarily about the use of the Auntie name as I do think that's a personal thing

But OP, in that case you should never have assumed you would be called Auntie, as it is up to her and her partner. Regardless of whether she has family friends that she called Auntie.

And if you respect her right to place boundaries you have no need to say she’s “broken your heart” when she does.

I read her comment to you as her ring-fencing the role of her sisters/DH's sisters in the baby's life. It doesn't mean you're not important as her best friend, just that being aunt is their defined role as family. For some people, family roles are important (like having your brother as best man, or making your sister a godparent) and it sounds like she was shocked you thought otherwise. I really wouldn't let it ruin your friendship, but if you can't stop it niggling away at you, you'll have to say something to her.

I think anyone would be excited?

That’s certainly not the typical reaction you get when you’re infertile and your best friend announces they’re pregnant.

Being so excited about somebody else’s baby is too much. It sounds like your best friend picked up on that.

You’re much nicer than me op. I’d have cut her off there and then! Not saying that’s the best approach or the most healthy but that’s the way it is. How she can be so heartless, I just wouldn't feel like she was any friend of mine 💐

Ps yes very excited when friends are pregnant or sisters or cousins. It’s a wonderful time of celebration. We’re enthusiastically organising a baby shower atm actually.

I don’t think she has behaved kindly to you. Yes the auntie thing is not unreasonable but she might have been nicer about it.

Since you say it marked a shift in your relationship, I would wonder if her friendship pool has also changed.

I too am childless and my best mate dropped me like a stone (except they’d get in touch around Christmas and birthdays with a list of her and her child’s wants) as she had ‘mum friends now’.

I appreciate that there is a change to how you are, juggling family and friends. Of course there is. But to me, there is also a possibility of balancing both.

(Got told I had no idea given that I didn’t have a child. Nice really given that she was the person I turned to when I failed to carry my second baby long enough)

I sadly accepted that our friendship wasn’t there any more. Given that I was only good enough at present time, I just took a massive step back.

I didn’t hear another thing. Until her husband dropped round with out of date chocs and a perfume she knew I wouldn’t wear (6 months late Christmas present) two weeks before her birthday ...

Anyway, I digress. If the friendship is still important to you both, go forward carefully. If it is just important to you? Step back for your own sake.

@Derbee She did break my heart, I think because I can't imagine her not realising how much this would hurt me after such a long friendship. She has the right to place boundaries and if that breaks my heart, then that's my problem I guess. But it has also changed the way I see her, as I honestly think she did it very harshly and she could have been much less cruel and considerate of my feelings.

That said, this discussion has definitely opened my eyes to a lot of different viewpoints.. and it has helped me to realise it's not that b;ack and white.

I don’t have children either and it really hurts that my siblings’ children have never called me Auntie. I am however their favourite Auntie and very special to them so agree that a title doesn’t make you an important or non important person in a child’s life.

Ironically I am very much referred to as Auntie by my friend’s little girls and feel somewhat uncomfortable by that, knowing that I’m not their real Auntie and there is no biological connection. I think my friend, their mum, feels the same as I do but both of us understand that it was the girls’ decision to call me that and we don’t want to upset or confuse them.

People can also act very strangely around childless friends and family members. Some push children to be closer to them because they can’t have children of their own and others try to distance their children out of a fear that their childless friend may see them as “the child they never had” and try and insert themselves into the child’s life in a way they aren’t comfortable with. As a child, I was forced to be closer than I wanted to to a childless Aunt that I didn’t like and who was very controlling and who really did try to act like she was another mother to me. She always referred to me as the daughter she never had so from a young age I felt a responsibility that I didn’t want towards her and it was very confusing. I was forced to wear things I didn’t like because she bought them for me or go to hobbies that she wanted me to do or take part in religious activity that she felt was important and always told “she doesn’t have children of her own so just do what Auntie says so as not to hurt her”. It created a rift between my parents as my mother (her sister) encouraged the bond whilst my father resented it as she undermined their parenting decisions on many occasions and always had to outdo them on birthdays etc. It was very manipulative. Myself and my siblings and cousins all became wary of adults trying to assume the role of parent as we got older and I could imagine my siblings snapping and saying “you aren’t her auntie” if they felt a bit suffocated.

I’ve had friends try and force their children to be closer to me because I’m childless and I’ve also had friends try to distance themselves from me and their children once they’ve become parents. Sometimes I’ve been gently told off for overindulging with presents or treats when out which I accept.

Whilst I accept that your friend was abrupt and that maybe her tone was hurtful, it does sound like a clumsy attempt at putting some boundaries in place around her child. I think feeling heartbroken would perhaps indicate a greater emotional involvement than is healthy for you and her and the child. Don’t let it ruin the friendship. You can have a lovely relationship with a child without the title of Auntie. You rightly acknowledge that going ahead your friendship might be different now she has a child. Some of the changes will be negative and some positive. Continue to invest in other friendships too so that there isn’t too much riding on this particular friendship.

You feel how you feel and you feel hurt. I wonder if her initial comment about not interfering and then the auntie comment stems from her being concerned you might try to fulfil a need through her child and be overly involved. I really hope that doesn't upset you. Perhaps she was trying to set boundaries before baby arrived. The auntie comment wouldn't bother me but then I don't come from a family where we call family friends aunties, you're either a 'real' auntie or you're not.

Unless your friend has tried to distance you since she's had the baby I would continue the friendship as normal. Don't mention the auntie stuff again and enjoy spoiling the baby at birthdays and christmas and the occasional random gift when you see something you can;t resist. There's also nothing wrong with offering to babysit, make the offer and I'm sure your friend will appreciate it when she's' ready to leave baby with someone.

I have a niece and she was the only one I'd allow to call me Auntie when she was a child and as far as I'm concerned our relationship would have been devalued by anyone else calling me it. Now she's an adult, I don't mind and have several honorary nieces and nephews but when she was young enough to call me Auntie, it was defiitely off limits to other children.

Tbh I wonder if you’ve been a bit too full-on about all this. You both thought you wouldn’t have children, you were unable to and then when she got pregnant you envisaged this special role in the baby’s life, kind of like you were a second mum perhaps?

From what you’ve written here it may have come across as you burying your own sadness over TTC by over-investing in someone else’s baby. In which case she has put firm boundaries in place from the outset.

YANBU. Obviously it's up to them whether they call you that, but I think the calling people 'Auntie' thing is quite sweet.

I think she was marking your card, OP. I don't think she was kind or considerate about it either. I'm going strictly by your posts and not what others are saying about their own familial circumstances.

Your friend was unkind and you are free to decide how to deal with and process that unkindness. Confront or step back and insert some healing distance? Decision is yours. In the same circumstances, I would put in some distance and if and when friend places expectations that would typically be made to family, I'd say, "Well no, that's for your family to do".

Going to what other posters have said, yes, there are some peculiar rules and regulations about this - my mother refers to me (when speaking to her dog) as 'Auntie Lying' and that drives me crackers but, it's a need she (my mother, not the dog has) and I overlook it.

It's up to you how you feel and nobody has the right to tell you how you should. How you deal with this is also fine and completely up to you.

I'm sorry that your friend was spiteful that day... she'd been through the journey with you and some generosity of spirit wouldn't have gone amiss.

My actual nieces and nephews don’t call me auntie they just call me my Christian name, no idea why it’s just kind of happened that way, and we have a very close bond and I definitely think I’m a special person in their lives. So I really don’t think that not being called Auntie Anne will make a difference to your relationship with the child.

Has your friend been a good and kind friend aside from those comments which, admittedly were rather unkind? If so I’d just put them down to her wording things a bit oddly and perhaps feeling extra awkward about being the one to have a child when she knew your pain. If there’s other unkindnesses though or you’re starting to feel the support is only going on way then perhaps it’s time to allow a bit of distance between you.