Best friend broke my heart

[sleeplessinsalford]

So some background. My partner and I tried to conceive for 20 years before finally having to call it a day and move on with our lives. At the same time as all this was going on, my best friend of 30+ years was not in a relationship so she was also childless and the same age as me (now 40). She saw everything I went through whilst TTC, tests, medications, treatment etc and the many, many heartaches I experienced too. It was a very long and painful journey, with no happy ending. She was always there for me and we both had a very active interest in parenting etc and would sit and talk for hours about when we had children, the things we would do and how we would parent.

Shortly after I had reached the end of the line, she got pregnant with her new partner, which was hard for me in one way, but nevertheless I was thrilled for her and was really excited to be part of her child's life as she is like a sister to me. It felt very much like I was getting a new niece!
The first thing that was 'off' was very soon after finding out she was expecting, she said to me "you're not going to interfere on how I bring this baby up, are you?" which really took me aback, but I put it down to hormones and let it go.
But then, when she was around 6 months pregnant, I had bought her some baby things and I mentioned in passing something like "this baby is going to spoilt rotten by her Auntie Anne" - meaning by me.
Her reaction to this, floored me. Her exact words were "you're NOT her Auntie!", "she has real Aunties, and she would be confused calling you Auntie too".
I was so shocked by the outburst, I smiled my way politely through the rest of the afternoon, but when she left I literally broke my heart and cried for hours.
Some time has passed since her daughter was born and the hurt is still very much there. In my life, my parent's best friends were our Aunts, as a way of us knowing they were like family, a kind of trusted circle I suppose. I have other friends who I have known half as long who call me Auntie to their children and think she is being quite cruel, especially after all I have been through and not having any children of my own.
I can't help but feel that this has damaged our friendship irreversibly and has put a distance between me and her little girl as she knows me simply as 'Anne' in the same way she knows the postman as 'John'. I think a lot of it is me wondering how she didn't realise this would hurt me after such a long and close friendship.

I have never mentioned this to her because I value our friendship, and I get the feeling she will not understand why it has hurt me the way it has. Do you think I am being pathetic? and am I wrong to question our friendship over this?

Yanbu to be hurt I'm so sorry you couldn't conceive you sound like a lovely person but the whole auntie thing I see it from your friends point of view and the spoiling her wouldn't sit right with me I have a friend constantly refers to me as her dcs auntie I hate it and I hate it when she says she's my dcs auntie when she's not .

I think calling parents friends Auntie is quite outdated . My children refer to my friends by their first names ... they know which of my friends are the special ones who they can trust because I’ve told them explicitly

Your friend was short with you and I am sure it was unpleasant but from the tone of your posts I think you overstepped boundaries. In fairness to you they might be newly evolving boundaries but nevertheless...Now you are both adapting to the new person in your relationship- it's going to take a bit of adjusting all round. Give it time.

Your relationship with your friends child will be about the two of you - not a label you've chosen.

And - I've probably written this about 50x on Mumsnet! - it's a marathon not a sprint! So even if you don't end up being close to the child now (in the way you want to be) it doesn't mean you can't/won't be a lovely and important figure in their life over the next 10/20/30 years. As above give it time and think long term.

Just spend time with her and the child and you will become close, and like an aunty figure...it’s unavoidable if you spend lots of time with them. She may even make you god mother.

I'm not sure on this one. My closest friends (3 of them that have been in my life for decades ) are aunties to my kids. But there kids dont call me auntie. That's ok, there choice my choice etc. But it's never been discussed as such as to why I do any they dont. Like you say, it's just to refer to a special friend. Maybe not meaning to be harsh you think more of her, than she does of you? Which of course is hurtful.

My dh has a cousin and we are known as aunt and uncle on both sides. I think the family aunt / uncle thing feels more like the real thing as we both tell each others kids off. I wouldn't with my mates kids.

@numbersstation your post has so many familiar points to me. She hasn't been quite that bad, but I do think it is very difficult to maintain a friendship once one has a family and the other does not. Being a parent doesn't make you a professional mother in the same way that not having a baby doesn't make you clueless about parenting. But I do appreciate that she is experiencing life in a way I never have and so I keep my opinions to myself. She told me to interfere and I have made sure I haven't. She knows where I am if she needs help.
I do get a wish list sent for presents though, which irritates me as I was brought up to believe giving gifts was about giving, not demanding things. Interesting that another poster advised me to only buys what she asks for.

@purpledaisies 20 years is a long time to be infertile, and my days of being upset / angry / jealous or anything else negative when someone is pregnant are long gone. Don't get me wrong, I struggle when a 22 year old conceives in a matter of months and I feel it's unfair, but my best friend, at 40 when time is running out, never.

YANBU to be upset. The 2 things she said to you seem very harsh. Regarding the 'Aunty' thing she could have just kindly explained she would prefer you to just be known as your first name. I don't think it means you couldn't still be close to the DC.

I mean this kindly but do you think in any way you were being a bit full on. Understandably so but she perhaps felt a bit overwhelmed. I don't think she should have been so unkind. The reason I ask is because of an experience of mine.

Myself and a close friend were both pregnant at the same time (first babies). We talked a lot about having our babies etc. I ended up having a miscarriage and due to it I was unable to become pregnant for over a year. So her baby was born and I was still heartbroken at the loss of my baby and that I couldn't get pregnant again. I fully admit looking back on it now I was over invested in her baby. I wanted to hold him a lot, push him in his pram, I offered to look after him a lot. It must have been a bit much at times. However, I have to say my friend was lovely about it.

I hope that maybe her responses were coming from a bit of a hormonal/overprotective place and she didn't mean to upset you. How is she now? Does she still see you alot? Does she appear to want you in the DC life? Close supportive family friends can be wonderful and I would hope she would want to embrace that? But if not do you have any neices or nephews that you can spoil and support instead?

For you, OP [flowers. You really have been through a heartbreaking experience and it is no wonder you have been upset by your friend.

You are not being pathetic. Although I don't have any children of my own, my close friends will be aunties and uncles to my future children as I don't see the harm.

My brother and SIL have a few best friends who they have known since before they got together 16 odd years ago and they allow my nephews to call them Aunty and Uncle because they are a key part of their lives. My Mum is my brothers Step Mum but my nephews see her as Grandma despite not being related by blood. What's the difference, if you see someone as part of your family, why should you children be any different.

TBH I don't think she is as close to you as you are to her (I'm sorry about this). It might be worth stepping back a little and still be there for her child but don't instigate the Aunty thing and you never know the further you step away from the closer she might step because she misses you. It's a hard thing to do, I understand, I've had to go through it as well but at least I know now who my true extended family is.

I've shuddered at the 'putting in boundaries' posts. Really unnecessary but some posters do so enjoy putting the boot in.

To the multiple people who have asked how things are now, we still see each other though not as often as before the baby came. I think that's pretty normal. I have a good relationship with her daughter, but not like I do with other friend's children, which feels odd to me when she and I were closest. I think my overall sense was that she was keeping me at arms length, so I now keep myself there too.

I'd have been upset too but my actual nieces and nephews don't even call be Aunty, it seems to have disappeared from use.

Let her get used to being a Mum, she may get less protective or she may not. I'm a firm believer in surrounding children with adults who will love, protect and encourage them so I think this little one will miss out.

I have a good relationship with her daughter, but not like I do with other friend's children, which feels odd to me when she and I were closest.

What relationship were you expecting to have with the baby?

I read it as her drawing boundaries. Regardless of how long you’ve been friends you’ve been unfortunate with not being able to conceive. I see it as her saying this is my child, it’s not my fault you cannot have your own, but please don’t take over and try and be a pseudo mum.

My parent's friends were always known as aunts and uncles to me.
My children addressed my friends as Auntie x, too.

Your friend is being OTT - what else is the baby meant to know you as? Just your name seems disrespectful to me, but maybe that's a generational thing.

Hope you can get over your hurt.

I was infertile for a long time like you and lost a number of friends in the same way. Dust yourself off and move on. She clearly doesn’t want to be friends with you - and might even think badly of you. One of my ‘friends’, despite encouraging her baby to call all her other friends aunts, insisted I not receive any special treatment as she was scared I might try and kidnap her child from nursery by calling myself aunt (it all came out when she was drunk, presumably because I had to get involved with my neices when DS got PND). I cut her off and didn’t even tell her when my DC was born.

And I have an overwhelming feeling that even if it wasn't something she planned to do herself, it would have been a lovely thing to do for her best friend who is unable to have children of her own. :-\

OP I'm afraid what comes across very strongly in your posts, and particularly this bit, is the extent to which you see this child as a compensation for you not having children of your own. I do feel sorry for you. It is a very sad situation to be in. I don't have children and since I never met the right man at the right time, I never even had the chance to try for them. I do understand the pain of knowing that you will not be a mother.

However, other people's children are theirs. They are not there for you as a substitute. You will not have a parental role in their upbringing. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I do get the impression you've overstepped some boundaries and your friend is reinforcing them.

Step back from the situation. Give yourself some time and your friend some space. And then gently start spending time together again. There is a role for you as mum's friend Anne and it's one that hopefully all three of you can benefit from, but your friend gets to draw the boundaries I'm afraid.

You seem to have reached a place where you understand both her actions and your reactions, with is good.

You did come across as a bit full-on. I can understand why it might have thrown your friend. When going through a pregnancy - especially a first, late pregnancy - there are so many emotions and hormones at play that couching things in sensitive terms can be hard work.

I think she deserves a little space and you deserve compassion. I'm sure your friendship will be strengthened by your relationship with the child over the years. No need to rush, it's a long haul.

I don’t have children. However a close friend of mine made me Godmother to one of her boys. They are religious and I am not, but cleared it with their Vicar. What they wanted was someone other than them to look out for him.

It’s a relationship that enriches both of us. However he calls me by my first name and always has done. I didn’t think anything of it.

I have always been careful not to override his parents, but we have always been able to discuss things. My favourite was when he and his brothers were small and I was about to give them Coca Cola with their tea. She looked at me and said very carefully “You can give it to them, but if you do you’re putting them to bed”. I took the hint......!!!

I used to buy him his winter coat each year, and the deal was mum had to approve the purchase, but then we would trot off and buy a naff T shirt or sweatshirt that was between him and me.

Communication is the key.

She was unnecessarily sharp with you, but I wouldn't keep dwelling on it. And she absolutely doesn't owe you a preferential title above other friends AT ALL. You thinking that she does sounds really entitled to be honest. You seem to want to be seen as special in some way. Your comment about being seen in the same way as the postman is just silly.

I have other friends who I have known half as long who call me Auntie to their children and think she is being quite cruel, especially after all I have been through and not having any children of my own.

You're giving yourself victim status here. You're not owed something because you couldn't have children. This baby isn't somehow in part, yours. It wasn't cruel of her not to give you aunt status.

I'm really sorry that you haven't had your own chance at motherhood, but I think you need to let this aunt thing lie. My daughters only have blood aunties. Even my best, oldest friends are known just by their name. And don't consider themselve equivalent in status to the postman.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It was cruel for her to say it, and what did it matter if her child also calls you aunt or auntie! I have a couple of friends that haven't even spent a lot of time with my child, and being females, when I talk about them, I say oh do you remember when auntie so and so met up with us etc etc, just general chit chat. I think maybe she felt pressure because you are or were such close friends, and maybe she saw potential issues arising, knowing how long you had tried to conceive for, and how hard she thought you might find it, with her then having a straight forward pregnancy.

Completely missing the point, who knows their postman’s name?

My parent's friends were always known as aunts and uncles to me
My children addressed my friends as Auntie x, too.

Your friend is being OTT - what else is the baby meant to know you as? Just your name seems disrespectful to me, but maybe that's a generational thing.
The flip side to that is I've never called my parents friends aunt when I was a child and I'm nearly 55. My kids never called my friends aunt either, just by their name. How in earth is it disrespectful? I dont get it.

A real friend would have been more sensitive and accepted the comments in the spirit they were made .
Personally I'm not a big fan of the whole auntie thing, but in the scheme of things , I just bite my tongue rather than hurt people's feelings.

OP I think you need to distance yourself, may be she will apologise, may be not

Completely missing the point, who knows their postman’s name?
🙋‍♀️
Me, my mum who lives in a different town know hers as well

Yanbu. She's thoughtless and inconsiderate

My best friends are aunties to my children and to be honest have cared and done far more than their actual relations. DNA does not a family make

Im so sorry for you she's let you down badly.