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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

543 replies

Bernetteyog · 28/01/2020 18:01

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 28/01/2020 18:58

Bit=But Gap=gas, bastarding autocorrect.

thetoddleratemyhomework · 28/01/2020 18:58

Also, can you agree that all of the pay rise money goes into an account that neither of you will spend and that will fund a change of gear for you after mat leave if you want it?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/01/2020 18:59

Who the fuck would ttc number 2 when this is the state of play?

Having a SAHP or a Part Time working parent is a joint decision. You need to not being another child into this until you and he can make a proper decision.

G5000 · 28/01/2020 19:03

OP hasn't been back, I see. I vote reverse too. And my opinion is the same as on the thread I think this is reverse of. No, you can't just quit, especially when you're the main earner. Many jobs are stressful - otherwise it would not be called work, it would be called holidays.

Berrymuch · 28/01/2020 19:03

Sounds like a great situation to bring another baby into.

madcatladyforever · 28/01/2020 19:03

I'm wondering what the responses would be if the roles were reversed on this thread.

What would happen would be he would still do nothing round the house and OP would still be working full time and doing everything.

Reginabambina · 28/01/2020 19:03

I think this is one of those situations when you need to work together instead of squabbling. What will actually change if you earn less? Will it just be cutting back on luxuries or will it be a substantial change to your life like using state schools or not being able to retire early? If it’s the former then YANBU to go part time and tell your DH to earn more money if he wants nice things given that you pay for essentials anyway. If it’s the latter then you need to find ways to keep your income level up sustainably. Could your husband earn better? Could he find a way to support you so that you aren’t so stressed out? Could you invest some time and money in your mental health?

Bella2020 · 28/01/2020 19:04

So, your husband says the thought of having to downgrade his car is making him ill, but he's happy that you continue in a job that is affecting your mental health?
He needs to rethink his priorities and give some consideration to you. It seems like working part time, maybe with a different employer, could be better for you. Keep pressing your current mental health issues with him, ask him to get a better paid job or that he'll have to think seriously about you going part time. Yu could always go back to full time at a late date, when you feel ready.
Decisions like these need to be joint, but not wanting to compromise on luxury items is downright bloody selfish.
Sending best wishes, OP.

madcatladyforever · 28/01/2020 19:05

As always motherhood is being totally devalued. It's bloody hard work bringing up children and I think they need the warmth and caring of their mum until they go to school.
There is plenty of time for fancy holidays and big cars later on.

Bouledeneige · 28/01/2020 19:06

I've always wondered why some women expect to be supported to be SAHM leaving the sole burden for earning money to support their family on their H. Sure that's fine if that what the man wants but he should be under no expectation to oblige. It doesn't seem fair on the H to have that amount of pressure and expectation solely on them. And these days with expectations for houses, cars, holidays and a certain style of living it seems less and less realistic for one person to assume all the financial responsibility for their family.

I always earned more than my H. I worked 4 days a week until my DC were 6 and 4 and then went full time. If I'd wanted to give up work we would not have been able to afford to stay in our house in the area that I really loved. And then when our marriage broke down I was in a lot better position to be independent and support myself and my DC. I have always been proud that everything I own I have worked hard for. And my kids respect me for it too. It's important that they understand it and see it for their own future work ethic. So one has the automatic right to be financially supported by another.

So it seems you might have to compromise and think creatively about how you can work part time or more flexibly or find another less stressful job to get through this period whilst your DC is little. And think very carefully about having another child. You aren't owed the right to be financially supported by your partner. You share responsibility for the financial wellbeing of your family. That's a mature position to be in. Children are expensive so play your part.

Bluntness100 · 28/01/2020 19:06

I am fairly sure if the husband was demanding to give up his job as the main wage earner, and be a stay at home parent, and the woman was saying she didn't wish to be the sole earner, the replies would be ltb.

Every single one.

I also can't understand why anyone would be ttc in this situation.

Purpleartichoke · 28/01/2020 19:07

If he is doing his half of the home responsibilities, then staying at home or reducing hours is only fair if you both agree. So for me, the real question is he doing enough at home. Does he help carry the mental load? Does he know when to buy your child new socks? Does he cover doctor’s appointments and sick days? Does he get up in the middle of the night? Is he researching nursery schools and car seats?

Redred2429 · 28/01/2020 19:08

I feel it is unfair on your husband to decide you want to be a stay at home parent and Push this it has to be a mutual agreement

BlimeyCalmDown · 28/01/2020 19:08

I think you have to go part time or change to a less stressful job and put child 2 on hold.

JacquesHammer · 28/01/2020 19:08

I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health

He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc

These two points particularly stood out for me. He is complaining the situation is "making him ill" yet expecting the OP to work in a role that is causing her excessive stress and affecting her health so he can have nice holidays?!

Some serious discussions to be had OP, surrounding the relationship as a whole, not just this issue.

Divebar · 28/01/2020 19:09

I don’t understand how you can be the main breadwinner but you stopping work would only impact on foreign holidays and your car.... that cannot be possible. I personally wouldn’t want to be in a situation where I’m at home all the time with one or two young children and don’t have the freedom or funds to go out for coffee or take myself off for the day with friends... it sounds very isolating. You also need to think about the long term financial impact of stepping away from your job and what will happen to your pension contributions. I think you should look for a job share or a part-time job with less responsibility ( while you’re still employed )

Bakedbrie · 28/01/2020 19:10

Hello.....OP? Where are you?!!!!

Sierra259 · 28/01/2020 19:10

Both you and your DH are being unreasonable. I agree with your DH that it would be unfair for you to become a SAHM and put sole financial responsibility on him. However, he's being a dick for not wanting you to reduce your hours/income at all, just so he can continue to have a nice car/holidays, funded mainly by your stressful but high-paying job.

A slight reduction of pay/hours with appropriate budgeting seems the fairest solution. Plus you're better protected in terms of returning to more hours later as desired, or in case of divorce/partner's redundancy (have seen both of these happen to SAHM friends). Agree with other posters that you should definitely stop ttc until you've resolved this.

Bakedbrie · 28/01/2020 19:13

Actually, all other things staying the same, for a happier more harmonious life, I’d trade a snazzy car for an old jelope any day and foreign holidays for a static caravan hol...no two ways about it. In fact we did and were very happy!

mytypeonpaper · 28/01/2020 19:13

Was this not discussed before children? We're planning on TTC next summer and I'm 100% either going part time or going to be a SAHM- it's something we've discussed at length

bornonasunday · 28/01/2020 19:14

Are you ttc as a joint decision? Or is this trying to force your SAHM choice (sorry if that came out rudely, it wasn’t meant to) I’m assuming your dh has realised that you will be on mat leave and will then have 2 small DC to see to? How will you feel then, having to leave 2 young DC every day for work?
Your situation needs loads more discussion - with you both listening to each other’s POV before you make any major decision.. your relationship could well depend on it! Hope you work out something, maybe both drop a day as a pp said?
Good luck x

misspiggy19 · 28/01/2020 19:14

@aNonnyMouse1511

Tell him to get a bloody better job.

^Oh yes, because that is so easy to do Hmm

C8H10N4O2 · 28/01/2020 19:16

I am fairly sure if the husband was demanding to give up his job as the main wage earner, and be a stay at home parent, and the woman was saying she didn't wish to be the sole earner, the replies would be ltb

Good job that isn't what the OP said then.

If she had posted saying he was really struggling and wanted to reduce hours or cope with less cash coming in because it was making him ill but she wanted him to keep his foot on the pedal so she could keep an expensive car she would be roundly criticised.

What she actually said was that she was struggling, would like to cut down and they don't need all the money she earns but he isn't interested in or doesn't believe her stress levels because his holidays are more important

At no point did her single post say anything about unilaterally giving up work to become the mythical nail painting SAHM.

C8H10N4O2 · 28/01/2020 19:19

I've always wondered why some women expect to be supported to be SAHM leaving the sole burden for earning money to support their family on their H

From observation over the years, women's desire to be SAHMs correlates pretty closely to the expectation on them to do teh SAHM work anyway, even if they are WOHMs. Either that or they take home less than the cost of childcare and the father considers childcare to be her expense.

There are also still plenty of men who actually believe keeping a SAHM is some kind of status symbol.

Crunchymum · 28/01/2020 19:19

OP, OP where art thou?