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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

543 replies

Bernetteyog · 28/01/2020 18:01

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 28/01/2020 19:22

I also think this is a reverse!

It's a partnership, you make decisions that affect the family like that together. A bit of compromise on both sides would help.

2020bluegirl · 28/01/2020 19:25

@Bernetteyog Part time hours on full pay hahahahahaha!!! Pull the other one! Grin

As for the OP.... probably forgot her login details for the new name she made up. Wink

I echo the posters saying how would the OP feel if her DH wanted to go part time? And also, why the F is she bringing a second child into this mess?

ferrier · 28/01/2020 19:28

You can’t be a sahm have expensive holidays and cars if your DH dp doesn’t agree, that would be completely unfair.

Definitely don't ttc no.2 until this is sorted.
Definitely don't take on extra hours - now is not the time to be doing this regardless of how attractive the extra money may seem.
Is this offer to work pt in your existing job still open? How many hours would you have to work to bring in the same income as your dp?

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/01/2020 19:29

How can you be the breadwinner if you can afford to live off dh wage - minus the nice cars /holidays

I wouldn’t be thinking about ttc no 2 while you are in limbo over work

Sounds to me you would be happier going part time

Try that. If then not happy discuss with dh tho if you have 2 young dc and only dh wage you may find things right

DesLynamsMoustache · 28/01/2020 19:39

First things first, I'd put the breaks on TTC a second when you haven't got the logistics of the first worked out yet. It seems an entirely unwise situation to bring a new baby into Confused

Lilymossflower · 28/01/2020 19:42

Ditch the job

Ditch the job

Ditch the job

Drabarni · 28/01/2020 19:42

It's such a shame you don't agree on core issues in your relationship.
Neither one is right or wrong, just different views. Maybe stop ttc with him given that you both sound so unhappy and really need to decide if one or both of you are willing to compromise..
My view is the same as yours, but I'm not married to your dh, mine shares my view.

DesLynamsMoustache · 28/01/2020 19:45

In any serious long-term relationship there is give and take and compromise. I was originally the breadwinner because my husband, when he was just my partner, left his job and moved the length of the country to move in with me, so was without a job for a few months. Then he got a job but I wanted to set up my own business so he supported us both while I got established, then I was earning well again, and then I went on mat leave so he was supporting us almost entirely again and am now back part-time while looking after my DD during the day and we earn around the same.

The point is that over the course of our relationship, we have both made changes and sacrifices for the other based not just on finances but on our happiness. So I would expect your husband to at least be willing to sit down with you and discuss a way forward so that your health and happiness is considered, but that his isn't unfairly impacted.

DesLynamsMoustache · 28/01/2020 19:48

As for how she would feel if her DH wanted to go part-time, I'm willing to bet that OP takes on the majority of the parenting, practically and almost certainly mentally, because the woman usually does in scenarios like this. I also suspect her DH wouldn't want to go part-time if going part-time meant he had to spend his free time when he wasn't at work doing childcare.

Isithometimeyet0987 · 28/01/2020 19:56

Well I be well pissed off if my dh decided he suddenly wanted to stay at home with our dd and me to finically keep him and worse than that not even listen to my opinion on the matter. Me and dh have separate finances (bar the house being in both our names, and a joint account the bills come out of which we both put a pre agreed amount in) as neither of us want to be solely dependant on the other, if he was the only earner I’d feel weird about buying luxury’s I don’t need because I’d feel like I was spending someone else’s money and not my own.

LisBethSalander07 · 28/01/2020 20:00

Not even the end of January and we've had a years worth of cocklodger threads.

Hmm
Scaredmumxx · 28/01/2020 20:01

I'm a sahm. We live off my partner's wage. No benefits. I will probably get slated for my view. But little ones need a parent around. I don't mean people shouldn't work. Ofcourse you need to pay bills and survive. But if you bring little ones into this world then you should be investing time into their early years. Once they are at school you can work more! I'd rather cut back than miss my kids growing up.

I have a cousin with a 3 and almost year old baby. She went back to work 40 hours a week, last week. She's got the 3 year old in nursery every day who is distraught at being at nursery 8 hours a day. Her son's dumped on her sister all week. Do you know what she does every couple of weeks? She goes out boozing and partying with her mates and partner!!! The kids get dumped onto her family for the weekend.

What have her kids got that mine haven't? Nothing! They have the same things. Only difference is they don't see their parents all week and often the weekends too. I think it's sad. The government have made it so bluddy hard for families.

I think if you want to enjoy your baby then do it! My eldest just started school and it's lovely in many ways but my heart aches for her baby and toddler years sometimes. I miss our days together so much. That said her brother keeps me busy. I hope you can find the balance. I think people should cut back on luxury to be with the kids. It's such a short time (4 years) before they are in education.

letmebefrank · 28/01/2020 20:05

YABU.

And your DH is not being an arse.

You would probably go ape shit if your DH quit his job and said he was going to be a SAHP, because you make enough for the family to live on. Especially since you are the higher earner in the family. So you don't get to do that either unless you both agree.

You can cut your hours as agreed with your employer. You can ask for a lower level job. You can change jobs entirely. But you just can't quit. Just like your DH can't. And expect the marriage to survive.

Why is your desire to stay at home more 'rightful' than your desire under the circumstances? It's not.

Why is your better paying job the more sensible one to sacrifice when your DH says he's struggling, too?

I think you both need to sit down and see where you can cut and what you can do about work and home balance and go from there. But right now, YABU.

NameChangeNugget · 28/01/2020 20:05

I actually see his point

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 28/01/2020 20:08

DH and I both consolidated our ft hours over 4 days per week, we earn two full salaries, both get a day with DS plus it's less childcare and we still get the weekend as a family. I'm the higher earner, I knew that when we TTC, it's not a man's role to provide you have equal responsibility, maybe he'd like to work part time too. You need a compromise you can both be ok with

DesLynamsMoustache · 28/01/2020 20:09

I think it's also about priorities and your general philosophy. For me, spending time with my daughter when she's so young is preferable to holidays and luxuries, so I'm willing to forego or reduce those for the few years before she starts school, and DH agrees with me on that front. But I also have to work, not strictly for money as we can live without my salary if we have to, but just for my own sense of worth, I suppose. So I work part-time hours around my DD (when she is napping and in bed of an evening, plus when her dad is home and can look after her). But if your priorities or philosophy about child-rearing are different, then it's harder to find a consensus.

It's a privileged position to be in to be able to choose whether to work or not or whether to go part-time. A lot of people don't have that choice, so I know we are fortunate, as are you, if financially you can swallow staying at home with just a reduction in luxuries.

maddening · 28/01/2020 20:13

I would not be prepared to support another adult capable of work at all. Yabu.

Look for alternative roles that are less stressful and encourage dh to further his career also to take the stress more himself.

Drabarni · 28/01/2020 20:17

We have always lived on dh wage, even though very low. Our priority was to be at home with the kids. So we managed it so we could be.
There isn't a lot of money to spend on luxuries, but what others enjoy, we tend not to. For us family holidays abroad are hell, you need a holiday when you get back. We aren't consumerists and earn enough to live, time being more important for life than work.

But we are all different, I don't expect others to want our lifestyle.

strawberry2017 · 28/01/2020 20:20

Somethings weird about this thread, I don't believe any place of work would let you do part time hours for a full time wage.

Berrymuch · 28/01/2020 20:21

But little ones need a parent around.

There's always one on these threads. It's a personal decision, your view is that children need a parent around 24/7. For others, going back to work is a good balance and affords a better standard of living. Men don't get critised for going back to work do they? Most parents don't work hours and hours away from home that they aren't around if needed, but the correct childcare situation for the child can be really beneficial; possibly more so that sitting at home most of the day as the mum can't afford to do much. If your partner wasn't willing to take on the entire financial burden you would probably have to work. In this situation, both partners don't agree on what to do, therefore being a SAHM isn't really fair, although neither is expecting OP to carry on being stressed.

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/01/2020 20:21

What letmebefrank said 100%
YABU
You can’t just decide your partner is going to be your wage slave.

Ragwort · 28/01/2020 20:22

Do people really not discuss this before having children or do they go ahead and just think 'let's have a baby' .... without any thought of the consequences? Hmm.

KatharinaRosalie · 28/01/2020 20:22

If OP is the main earner than losing her salary would mean way bigger cutbacks than just swapping to a cheaper car.

TitianaTitsling · 28/01/2020 20:29

do what YOU want and when the DH decides the same? To only do what HE wants?

PracticallySpeaking · 28/01/2020 20:33

The difference with the sexes being reversed though is that DH isn’t actually carrying a baby for nine months, giving birth and then breastfeeding all whilst trying to conceive another one and hold down a high powered job with very long hours - It’s not the same. What she said!

OP you’re carrying all the load of pregnancy, birth, postpartum recovery, breastfeeding and maybe doing more for you child and at home AND you’re also the higher earner and have a stressful job. Your DH is taking the piss and needs to step up. He wants you to do all that so that he can have nice holidays - yeah gender equality at its finest. Usually when both parents work full-time, and evidently in this case, the mother is the one doing MORE if you take everything into account.