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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

543 replies

Bernetteyog · 28/01/2020 18:01

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

OP posts:
CalamityJune · 28/01/2020 18:12

Children or not, I think having a job that makes you that unhappy is not healthy. My DH took a paycut a few years ago to change careers and while we have had to make some cutbacks, it's been worth it for his happiness. It's also brought some other advantages wrt his hours being more varied compared to mine, so he is able to do more childcare in the week.

I think if bills are paid and your only worry is nice holidays, then I really don't see why you're putting up with such a stressful job day in day out for the sake of a few precious days away. No reason why you shouldn't reduce your hours and make your average day more pleasant.

Shoxfordian · 28/01/2020 18:12

It wouldn't be reasonable of you to quit your job when you earn the most money.

DeeZastris · 28/01/2020 18:12

Also - don’t have anymore children until you resolve this issue.

CastleCrasher · 28/01/2020 18:12

Well, it's not reasonable to unilaterally decide to stop working or radically change your income and just expect your partner to sort you financially. Neither is it ok to try to force a partner to increase hours, travel and stress.
It's not clear from your op whether the post time hours on the original money is still an option, or is it all or nothing?

Bluntness100 · 28/01/2020 18:13

Stay at home parent needs to be at both agreement, you can't just quit your job and expect him to pay for you, that's not how it works as some posters seem to think, well not if you wish to stay married.

Would you be ok with him quitting to be a stay at home dad? I'm assuming not as you want it to be you, I assume for him to be one you'd wish him to seek your agreement first and not present you with the fuck you, right?

Why can't you look to find a less stressful job, fine a happy compromise. It doesn't need to be management or nothing, find something lower level or maybe with less hours and go from there.

I'd also seriously stalk your decision to have a second. Not until you get this resolved, as it will just get worse, when you've two kids to juggle and more expense.

KennyRogersWasNotInStarWars · 28/01/2020 18:13

Part time hours, full time wages? Why did your husband say no to that?

I can understand why he doesn’t want you to give up work completely but this wouldn’t make a difference to household budget etc so I don’t understand his reasons.

MoonBase29 · 28/01/2020 18:13

It really is a joint family decision for you and DH to make i dont think this is you or his decision to make alone
dh and i both earn v simmilar but i would hate all the pressure to keep a roof over our heads to be on me and i am glad its not all on dh either.
If dh said he wanted to be a sahd i would be very worried about finances and would be a bit like how your dh is being tbh

Are there any other lifestyle changes you both would be willing to make to reach a compromise of sorts?

Shadyshadow · 28/01/2020 18:15

I think OP means she is doining part time hours but doing getting paid same now as doing same amount of work and/or taken on extra duties

PatellarTendonitis · 28/01/2020 18:15

And you want to bring another child into this when the two of you fundamentally disagree on how they'll be brought up? WTAF? He doesn't want to be the sole earner or the principal earner. You can't force him to be. If someone tried to force this on me I'd continue using contraception and give some serious thought if I wanted to remain married to that person.

aroundtheworldyet · 28/01/2020 18:17

I don’t understand. Why can’t you just stay as you are part time hours for full time pay. Sounds great
Why do you need to take on more?

lollybee1 · 28/01/2020 18:18

Could you husband give up his job and be SAHD. Taking pressure of the toddler off you so you can focus on your career.

Expressedways · 28/01/2020 18:18

You should really stop TTC no.2 until you resolve the situation and you need to work towards find an agreement that works for both parties. Personally I don’t think the highest earner becoming a SAHP is massively feasible though. If you can do your job PT then why not do that but do it properly e.g. be contracted for 4 days a week and agree with your employer that it would be 4/5ths of the work load and consequently 4/5ths of the pay. Move jobs if you have to. But I do think having an exclusively SAHP has to be a mutual decision or else it’ll lead to resentment.

Frenchw1fe · 28/01/2020 18:19

Well when you’re finally ill and have to give up completely he’ll lose the money anyway so he should be working with you towards a compromise.
I think the first thing you need to do is stop ttc whilst you sort this out.

fedup21 · 28/01/2020 18:19

Making anyone the sole earner when they don’t want to be is a big mistake. Don’t just give up your job.

What’s the difference in pay between the two of you?

Could you drop a day so you’re doing 4 days?

coffeeforone · 28/01/2020 18:21

It's not a great idea to have a single earner IMO. It's an absolutely crazy idea to want to become a SAHP if you aren't both on board with it 100%!!

If your job is too stressful can you find another one?

HerRoyalNotness · 28/01/2020 18:21

I think part time is a good compromise. You’re still contributing and you have time at home with your child(ren). I also think that you can make that decision alone. You could always go back to full time when the D.C. are at school.

I at home just now and have a 3yo. Off to an interview tomorrow and I don’t actually want to go back, but I need to. As I think about our life will be even more difficult with no help around, juggling 3 D.C. in 3 school settings and extra curricular and finish a degree. Can’t do it all, but apparently I can!

You have to wonder if it’s worth the stress not only for you but for the children.

coffeeforone · 28/01/2020 18:23

Also, how much salary are you actually taking about wanting to live on compared to how much you earn now?

Shadyshadow · 28/01/2020 18:23

You’re still contributing and you have time at home with your child(ren). I also think that you can make that decision alone. You could always go back to full time when the D.C. are at school.

And what if he makes them decisions to go part time, all on his own?

littlepaddypaws · 28/01/2020 18:23

there is a heck of a lot going on here that's already putting this marriage under strain if you are arguing about this. another child could be the last straw and the fall out massive. fgs don't try for another dc until this mess is sorted.

adaline · 28/01/2020 18:23

Why should you be able to decide something like that unilaterally?

I sympathise that you're stressed, but you can't just quit work with nothing to do go to and without the support of your partner.

Confuddledtown · 28/01/2020 18:24

You cant make that decision for your husband, it has to be made together. And as a PP stated, having a SAHP is a short term solution. I say that as a SAHP. I will find it very difficult when it comes to going back to the workplace, I'll be near enough be starting from scratch whereas I could have been miles ahead in my career had i not taken the break. It's not the case of simply picking up where you left off either. It's not a decision to be taken lightly. It has to benefit the whole family, and the whole family has to be on board. It puts pressure on your husband now being the sole earner, but will also put pressure on you if/when you decide to go back. Being a SAHP isnt all its cracked up to be either - its still hard work, its thankless, its stressful and there are certainly times I am miserable and wishing I was back at work.

Thefaceofboe · 28/01/2020 18:24

Would you be happy if your husband wanted to go part time and be a stay at home dad? Genuinely curious

Piixxiiee · 28/01/2020 18:25

Hard one, you're the main bread winner so really you should continue earning but I was a sahm until very recently while our children were so little- we agreed this before ttc- I wouldn't miss those years for anything. But my dh stayed in a job he disliked as he was earning good money to support us all. Sometimes the family has to come before your wants. But I wouldn't ttc no.2 until you're both on the same page.

littlepaddypaws · 28/01/2020 18:26

meant to add i'd be as mad as hell with dh had he said he had decided to go part time or give up work when the dc were young and hadn't discussed it with me first but expected me to carry on working all hours.
it would be very selfish imo

user1493413286 · 28/01/2020 18:26

I think it’s fair enough that he doesn’t want you to give up work completely; I wouldn’t be too keen on my FH doing the same but he should support you with being part time and/or a job that is less stressful. You are a partnership and I’d support my DH in that scenario