Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

[Bernetteyog]

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

I’m sure as they are both adults they know what their expenses are and a cushion for unexpected things. The op is more than capable of working out if they can afford to go PT.

Cut your cloth according to...

One holiday in the UK much easier with little ones anyway. cut back on the quality of food so no take aways, steak etc If you are only going to have two children it is such a short time. So just go part time. Could you stay long enough to get the bonus? If you know it is short term then you may not feel as stressed. Tell him being stressed wont help if you are trying to conceive. Then if you want to go part time do it.

The op is more than capable of working out if they can afford to go PT.

I am sure she can.

Can she work out what happens if he does the same or quits saying 'it's my job, I dont need your approval'.

YABU

Why would you be trying for another baby in this situation?

It looks (to me) as if you mainly want to leave your job because it’s stressful. Your DC is presumably in nursery/with family/a childminder and you are working part-time...if I get the OP correct BUT you want to stop working to stay at home just to be with your child?
A few thoughts - sorry if none of this is helpful (I do intend it to be!)
I was the high earner before I had my daughter. I had to give up work because she is seriously disabled (happily getting better all the time and has started nursery) so I appreciate it’s a different scenario.
I can tell you after 2.5 years of being at home, going to medical appointments, wishing I could just sometimes go for a walk, or read, or chat with a friend or...go to the pub(!), or spend money on myself without feeling like I’m taking it from her.. personally I’m dying to get to work.
I had a managerial job I commuted 2 hours each way for before I had her. Didn’t like being a manager, hated the stress. There are still days I look at people going for the train and envy them!
I suppose what I’m saying is.. there are pp above who give lots of sound advice but - would some other situation make things better?
Different job?
Part-time?
You both go part-time?
It sounds as if money isn’t really a problem but ... a few years down the line. Just think- you see a lovely dress but can’t buy it. Your heart is set on giving DC a birthday present, can’t afford it... You miss holidays with DH and DC.
No-one needs to get ill from work!!
Could a few counselling sessions open up some space for you both to explore options?
I wish you all luck!

I think it’s really easy for one parent staying at home to bring huge resentment to a family - one sees the other at home all day hanging out with the kids and assumes they should be responsible for ALL the household junk, where another sees having a life outside of family and getting plenty of adult interaction, as well as being totally financially dependent on them. It works so well when it works but it really does need to be the absolute best thing for your family, and it sounds like it wouldn’t be for yours.

Also, bringing a second kid in when you’re stressed and arguing is not a good idea.

This is a tricky situation, I had no idea which way to vote and it’s rare for me to be on the fence but I can understand both perspectives.

I don’t think a flashy car or holidays are more important than your physical and emotional well-being. Your DH is being quite selfish focusing on materialistic things more than you and your health.

On the flip side, if my DH came home and said he wanted to be a SAHD I’d flat out say no. We both earn the same so our household income would drop by 50%. We’d save on childcare but I think I’d heavily resent him for making that sort of decision. So from that sort of perspective, I can understand your DH’s side.

I wouldn’t be TTC in these circumstances. Maybe finding a job that makes you happier could be an option?

How old are you both? You seem reluctant to have and adult conversation about such an important issue.

He sounds really selfish, if the expensive car and holidays mean that much to him then he needs to earn more. If the roles were reversed I'd say exactly the same, if I had an exhausted stressed homesick DH who could afford to reduce that load and enjoy our child more if I just compromised on expensive luxuries and allowed his wage to drop to similar to mine then I would agree in a heartbeat. I would not value stuff and holidays over my DH's health.

I think if the difference between you working in this very stressful environment and working part-time in a less pressurised environment while your dc is little is just cutting out the holidays and down grading the car, he is being a dick.

If the difference were something more worrisome, like concerns about meeting mortgage repayments, house bills and food bills, he would have a fair point.

But as the situation stands. YANBU

Op has said that cutting back to part time means she still has to do same job in less hours. More stress

Can you go back and discuss with your Employer and negotiate a different role? Or ask them can you seek someone else to dig in and take tasks off you? Probably not a runner, don't know the dynamics.

My DH is quite similar at the moment, highly stressed, travel, won't be home till 10 etc he is constantly saying he wants to change which means a fair drop in salary, massive mortgage, 4 kids, I secretly have been going nooooooo but have just supported him and said we will manage if he drops salary, probably would end up selling up and moving smaller. We had our first family holiday only last year so not dripping in disposable.

Since New year he has spoken to boss and re aligned jobs to various other employees, he is home earlier but we will see, I can see it sneaking up again. One year at a time here

I work full time, pay childcare, low stress job, do drop offs, pick up every day but we could not survive on my salary even if no childcare costs

Do you just want out and to be at home as it's so.stressful? I gather by the sounds youd pick something up again no bother in a few years. Career break? Fuck it life's short, I'd fully support my DH even though it would be a bit shit but couldn't see him so stressed, no shagging holiday is worth that

Shake your DHs head and ask him to come up with solutions

The frequent problem expressed by part timers is having to do the same amout of work in less time.
So how will going part time but increasing responsibility reduce your stress levels?
I know that's not particularly helpful, but you need your eyes wide open to make this decision.

You need to put ttc on hold and have a discussion about finances. I found the reality of being home with a young child boring and wound up doing lots of volunteer work.

Stick it out. I earned ultimately 10x more than my husband and worked when we had babies. Yes it's hrd but it pays huge dividends (I expressed breast milk at work)

You should do whatever is best for you Op

Bollocks.

You're in a partnership and a family. You don't come first above all others. Decisions like this should be made together, by finding a compromise.

Seriously this is so unfair on your husband - why should he work his ass off to fund everything while you become a SAHP - put yourself in his shoes and think about how you would feel if he came home and said he was going to leave work and become a stay at home dad??

The only reasonable thing here is for you to possibly get a less stressful job / drop a day or 2 maybe??

Why shouldn’t he be able to have holidays every year? He works hard and you should be bringing in some money

What's the blocker to your DH getting a better paid job?

YABU to ttc in these circumstances. I think both you and your DH are unreasonable on the SAHM/working hours question.

Your DH needs to recognise that you are struggling and consider making a concession. But I think you need to recognise that your economic position in the house means your asking something huge of your DH if you leave the workplace. How would you feel if he proposed the same for example?

Money isn't everything, but you'll have a really hard time re-establishing your income if you become a SAHM.

None of this makes sense. You can work fewer hours and your boss will pay you the same. But also if you have a bigger workload you get more pay, but work more hours?

All sounds a bit strange.

It sounds as if OP was part time on full time wage, but now the work has cranked up and she will need to go fulltime, with travel, and will receive a payrise as a result. She is also breastfeeding, so I imagine did all the night feeds etc.
How is the childcare sorted out at the moment OP? How many days are you currently working? Who does bath bed/ drop offs pick ups? Who is doing housework cooking, shopping? Does your husband pull his weight, and I mean genuinely pull his weight, or are you doing all that stuff as well so missing time with your child apart from a feed and a drop and run.

I assuming you are managing fine on the PT situation - is there an opportunity for you to carry on with that, or was that just a short term situation - is your husband pushing for you to go full time because he is getting excited about the money, which though nice may not immediately be a 'necessity' as it appears to be 'extra' to what you were already living on.

How long did you take off for maternity leave? Did you take the full time or was it a quick return and so you felt pushed into going back sooner than you were ready and now feel resentful about this? How old is your child now?

These are all things that need discussing. You sound exhausted. Im not surprised. You have had a baby, built opne and birthed one, and you are still breastfeeding. Its hard physically on the body and emotionally too. But just walking from your job is not the answer. You need to both sit down and work this out. Make a budget. Your mental wellbeing is imperitive and ideally you can put the return to full time back a bit until you are back on your feet and your husbands can rein back his dreams of flash cars and holidays. After all if you keel over its going to have a far bigger impact on both family finances and your future career than you taking it a bit slower at this point.

And hold back on TTC. You might be looking at the maternity leave with longing, but juggling 2 children is a whole different ball game and if these problems havent been solved with no 1 they will increase 100 fold with the second one. Besides your company may not be so flexible next time and keeping them sweet seems to be a very good prospect in the long run.

He may work hard, but the OP earns more. Could he afford holidays on his dollar alone?

I'd look at going part time OP, or another job. He cannot control what job you do nor what hours you do, but of course it wouldn't be fair to unilaterally stop earning full stop.

How much more than your DH do you earn? If say, you earn £75k and he earns £50k, then it’s reasonable to reduce your hours by a third without his ‘approval’. You’d both be contributing the same and if he wants better holidays he can get a better job.

Taking a step back, I assume it is the job that makes you feel stressed rather than struggling it fit it into your life? I ask this to check whether your DH taking on more domestically would assist you.

To be honest, if I were you I would probably suck it up for a bit so I could have the increased maternity pay and then apply for another less stressful job after mat leave.

If you are "just managing" with two kids on your husband's salary, that may be a bit stressful - for both of you, not just him. I don't think that his objection just managing is just about trading down on the car front - it's probably a wider concern about not having to worry about money for every choice and having financial freedom, in which case I totally understand his concern. If you chose to ride it out full time until you have another one, could you ask your employer to buy an extra couple of weeks of holiday to take over the summer or in an quiet period of the year so that you can spend a decent amount of time with your daughter, for example? Or maybe ask if there is someone at work who could take on some stuff from you so that it isn't all on you?

Bit a marriage and a family isn't about keeping things even-stevens. It's about operating as a complementary unit and taking steps to adapt to new challenges.

In the future her DH might need to take his foot off the gap with poor mental health or physical health, or life may have thrown a different variety of spanner in the works.

Will op then be entitled to demand that he forges on regardless of his well being so she gets her fancy car and fancy holidays?