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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

543 replies

Bernetteyog · 28/01/2020 18:01

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

OP posts:

C8H10N4O2 · 28/01/2020 18:28

My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel

Was this part of a phased return to work to full time? Or some other arrangement?

The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health

I'm confused - are you currently on part time pay for part time hours, phased return on full pay or taking on a new role full time with more pay?

converseandjeans · 28/01/2020 18:28

I think PT would be the best option. Even if you drop down to 4 days. It depends on what figures you're talking. It sounds like dropping some of your salary would mean for example you have to give up a nice 2 weeks in Greece and perhaps have 10 days in UK for your hols? Maybe run an older car? If you dropping your hours means you can still pay the bills and have days out/cheaper hols but can't afford say the posh hols, meals out regularly etc. then I think he's being selfish. Kids need happy parents who spend time with them, not posh holidays and a nice car.

Zeusthemoose · 28/01/2020 18:28

He wants you to continue in a stressful job that is making you ill because he likes expensive cars and holidays.
I think he is being very selfish and should compromise. I understand the desire to spend more time with you DC especially when young, time goes so fast. You could go part time if he was willing to give up those luxuries for a while, It's not like you wouldn't be able to afford the basics.
I think he's being very, very selfish.
Also no matter what was decided before children things change once they come a long. You should be able to reasses the situation. I would definitely stop TTC untill this is resolved.
He expects you to pop his kids out and remain the main breadwinner in a job that's making you ill. Nice!

EverythingChanges321 · 28/01/2020 18:28

Your DH is being an arse about this.
Does he currently do 50% of the childcare and housework?

I was the one doing 90% of the childcare so I chose to be a SAHP. Luckily, I married a DH who cared about my mental health more than possessions or holidays, so it’s worked out fine for us.

Don’t have another child until this is properly resolved. You will resent him if you end up having a breakdown.

Winter2020 · 28/01/2020 18:28

You describe you and your husband as "really struggling", yourself as stressed and you and he fundamentally disagree on how your family is going to work (SAHM/part time/full time). Stop trying to conceive and find a sustainable current lifestyle before you add the financial/physical/emotional strain of further kids into the mix.

C8H10N4O2 · 28/01/2020 18:29

He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill

He is happy for you to risk illness through overwork, but he will be stressed to illness at the prospect of a cheaper car or holidays?

Hahaha88 · 28/01/2020 18:29

This is a really weird one. I voted yanbu because it feels like your husband is concerned more about holidays than your health. However it's not ok to decide to just make your oh the sole earner. Going part time seems fair bit you have to consider you're oh might want to work part-time too. A relationship is about give and take. It sounds like neither you are doing any giving on this

dottiedodah · 28/01/2020 18:29

Put yourlipstogether and blow I agree !

adaline · 28/01/2020 18:30

Your DH is being an arse about this.

Why? Would it be okay if your DH just decided to quit work or go part-time without speaking to you about it?

If not, why not?

HerRoyalNotness · 28/01/2020 18:31

Shady, then they work out the finances and make cuts as a family.

I feel the way society is setup where it’s becoming expected both parents work FT is bonkers. And I say that as someone who went back to work after 2x maternity leaves and haven’t this time because of our specific circumstances.

Jomarchsburntskirt · 28/01/2020 18:32

Why on earth are you compounding the issue by trying to have another baby. These are all matters you should have decided on before having any children.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/01/2020 18:32

You just can’t afford to be a SAHM. That is how it is.

HerRoyalNotness · 28/01/2020 18:32

Yes poor him, not wanting a cheaper car or cheaper holidays. Wake up pal, we can’t afford holidays or to get a bigger car that we need, so we make do.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 28/01/2020 18:33

You can’t be a sahm if your dh doesn’t agree, that would be completely unfair. If your current job is too stressful can you start looking around for something else?

CorporeSarnie · 28/01/2020 18:33

Can you not talk like adults about this? He can't stop you giving up your job, but you do have to think about your family well-being before making big decisions together. You could turn down the additional workload and pay if you feel you'd be unable to fulfill the role at this point in your life. Again, your decision, but taken after discussion with DH (like adults). It is totally unfair for anyone to unilaterally decide to become a sahp as you will feel the consequences of that decision for the rest of your life... Halting pension contributions, gap in CV, return to work with lower status all impact on family finances for the foreseeable.

Sceptre86 · 28/01/2020 18:34

I dont think it is fair for him to have sole say on the decision or you. If you are a partnership then both of you have an equal say. How would it work if you dropped one day a week for the next few months and see how you cope, both emotionally and financially?

CrunchySomething · 28/01/2020 18:35

So the situation is making him ill, stress? But that's ok as long as you don't have the stress?

Is he also desperate to spend more time with your daughter?

If you've been back at work for 18 months, assuming you had 12 months mat leave, then your daughter is 2.5? So will be in nursery soon and no longer needs to bf (I mean like a little baby does iyswim)?

These are all things to think about.

It's very much about you and your needs, but marriage and parenthood is (or should be) a two way street.

Shadyshadow · 28/01/2020 18:35

Shady, then they work out the finances and make cuts as a family.

Really? She goes part time or quits, with no input from him. He does the same and they just work it out?

No many families can afford for both to quit or even go part time.

OP said they can just about afford it on his wage. How would he just go part time, without making them unable to afford living?

Sceptre86 · 28/01/2020 18:36

Also work on getting your priorities straight and by that I mean actively sort out your current dilemma. Why add conceiving to the mix when things clearly aren't working!

yellowallpaper · 28/01/2020 18:36

Take a cut in hours, even if it means a cut in pay. Fuck your husband as he clearly puts his comfort and enjoyment above your health and happiness. Rethink the ttc as it may not be a good idea. You don't need his permission or agreement. It's your job so do what YOU want

CrunchySomething · 28/01/2020 18:36

Sorry reading back that came across harsher than I meant it to.

kleew1 · 28/01/2020 18:37

I feel there needs to be compromise on both sides here and do feel you are being unreasonable (unpopular opinion I’m sure!)

CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate · 28/01/2020 18:37

I sympathise OP, I really do, sometimes it's not until you give birth that you have a sudden shift in your priorities. My personal and very strong view is that all women should have the choice of being a SAHM or going back to work/dropping hours etc.

However I had to vote YABU specifically because you didn't discuss this important issue with your husband before getting married. Of course things can always change but I think children in terms of want/don't want/how many/nursery/stay at home should be discussed way in advance.

It's not right to just unilaterally decide to stop working. Although if you do, well then you do IKSWIM.

I would acquiesce step back, stop pressing the issue then bring it up again in a few months and see if he changes his mind.

Whocutdownthecherrytree · 28/01/2020 18:39

I’d be seeking counseling to try and resolve this. And stop TTC until you do. Home finances should be a joint decision, neither of you get to make up the rules.

Fairenuff · 28/01/2020 18:39

Why would you want to bring another child into this mix? You are desperately unhappy, worrying about money and it's affecting your health. Just why?

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