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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel sorry for colleague ripped off at strip club?

551 replies

Bibbiditybobbidy · 26/01/2020 23:00

30 year old colleague went to a well known strip club on a stag do, and woke up the next day with £7k missing from bank acct.
He was so drunk it appears he managed to spend all that without knowing. When he complained they sent him evidence of himself ( CCTV) at the bar authorising each transaction, times receipts etc
He parents have had to lend him ££ as he’s at his over draft limit and he’s paying them back.
He’s weeping and wailing about it but I just think he’s been an arse and should learn as lesson AIBU? He’s getting lots of sympathy about the ‘injustice’ of it in the office... but he's exactly the kind of guy to show off in front of his mates playing the big man, while he’s actually a bit of a beta male...I have NO sympathy for him, the little creep!

OP posts:
hiddenmnetter · 29/01/2020 22:35

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras I was simply questioning why we as a society accept that someone who is drunk can't consent to sex but can consent to other things. That is not comparing anything with rape. It is discussing when the law considers us to have capacity to make decisions. That's all.

Because obviously while drunk people ARE able to consent to things. I am able to consent to buying a train ticket, or a cab fare. I am able to consent to a whole range of things. The exception is made for sex because of the patterns of advantage that are used to avoid actual consent. Because too many women have agreed to sex while absolutely blind, or not even agreed but been unconscious, and been taken advantage of, we set the bar higher to protect the vulnerable.

That said I am able to consent to all sorts of things while drunk. I am able to purchase flights while drunk (regretted that one, lesson learned) just as I'm able to agree to share a cab home with friends.

It's not that I can't consent- obviously I can; it's that consenting to sex requires a higher standard in order to protect the vulnerable (statistically mainly female) population from sexual predators (mainly male).

As it happens people make stupid mistakes when drunk. It's a very good reason not to get drunk (or at least or of the safety of your own home). That doesn't mean he isn't at fault for his own stupidity or even getting drunk in a strip club in the first place.

PanicAndRun · 29/01/2020 22:36

The club will have seen plenty of people who could have easily afforded what he spent.
This is a really good point.

There are men that can afford and do spend this amount of money and not just in strip clubs. Should strip clubs start asking punters for their bank statements? Do a credit check? Make a list of income and expenses? Hire a strip broker?

What if someone goes in , only spends 200 but that's all the money he /his family have? Would that be ok because it's only £200?

Exactly how many checks do men need before they should be expected to take responsibility for their own actions?

GnomeDePlume · 29/01/2020 22:51

How can you say someone who's spent £7000 wasn't drunk?

For many people £7k isnt a huge amount of money. It is for me but for a Championship footballer or a high flyer in finance it is only a week or two's wages - precisely the target clientelle for a strip club.

Unless licensing laws demand that the club gets a sight of a potential customer's bank statementsup front how much has been spent is no test of competence at all.

multivac · 29/01/2020 22:54

How the hell do clubs manage to serve customers if you can't serve drunk people

In fact, legally, you can't serve drunk people or people who may become drunk. TBH, as legislation goes, it's not the most helpful. But that's what happens when, as a society, you become economically dependent on stuff that kills people...

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 29/01/2020 22:59

Oh, I see we've moved onto the legalities of not being able to purchase 3 packs of paracetamol now. Arghh god! What a load of whataboutery!

It's not whataboutery, it's saying that there are laws in place that curtail personal freedoms in order to protect people - so restrictions on buying paracetamol, bank checks when you want to withdraw large sums, licensing laws that restrict alcohol sales - in this case the club potentially didn't stick to the licensing laws. Whether you agree with the type of club or not they should have been complying with the law.

PanicAndRun · 29/01/2020 23:04

not they should have been complying with the law

You're assuming they didn't. It's possible they did. The police seemed to think so.

Sagradafamiliar · 29/01/2020 23:09

Licensing laws aren't designed, or for, protecting the individual though. What did he need protecting from anyway? Spending his own money?

Sagradafamiliar · 29/01/2020 23:36

In any case, it's an offence under the same Act, to obtain it try to obtain alcohol by the drunk individual.

Sagradafamiliar · 29/01/2020 23:36

Or* try to

Sagradafamiliar · 29/01/2020 23:39

So it could be argued that this man was being drunk and disorderly under the Licensing Act and the crime and disorder Act '98, as well as being a plonker Grin such a victim.

GnomeDePlume · 30/01/2020 06:55

I think only the bank and his parents will consider his behaviour to have been disorderly

TheBlueStocking · 30/01/2020 06:58

I've known this happen to people in dodgy clubs. I think some places spike the customers' drinks.

I don't think it's fair or right.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 30/01/2020 07:10

The police seemed to think so.
Has he been to the police then?

What did he need protecting from anyway? Spending his own money?

Yes, and being ripped off. As I said earlier, if I try to withdraw large sums of money the bank questions me - why? Why shouldn't I be able to spend my own money? Why shouldn't I be able to walk into a casino today and gamble all of my money away?

It would be very interesting to see the breakdown of the £7000 to see just how above board this club was. Rogue tradesmen get stopped from fleecing elderly customers by charging them extortionate amounts for minor house repairs - is this that different?

And is it an offence to attempt to but alcohol when drunk? From what I know of the law it mainly holds the vendor responsible for selling the alcohol, rather than the purchaser. Eg it's illegal to sell alcohol to a minor but is it illegal for the child to attempt to buy the alcohol? It can't be or trading standards wouldn't be able to set up test purchases.

Maybe the most this man can do is to report this club to the licensing authority in the hope that they gather enough evidence of shonky practices to close it down.

PanicAndRun · 30/01/2020 07:14

Police have told him to suck it up, there’s no suggestion that he was coerced or drugged or anything like that.

From OP , in the first 10-20 posts.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 30/01/2020 07:23

That doesn't mean that they investigated and reached that conclusion though does it? And how does the op know that there's no suggestion that he was drugged? How has that conclusion been arrived at?

Hopefully he reports the club to the local authority and they look into what the club is doing.

PanicAndRun · 30/01/2020 07:27

Presumably when he gave his tale of woe he told them he went to the police and what they did/said. OP summed it up.

Pumperthepumper · 30/01/2020 07:42

Or maybe he should bypass the police and come straight to you Hooves since you know more about what happened than anyone else, and are more determined to find the club guilty of a crime. You definitely know better than the Police who have already told him it’s his fault and you haven’t even seen the CCTV they have!

You’ve also got loads of ‘consenting / non-consenting sex’ scenarios to compare it to, which will definitely come in handy.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 30/01/2020 07:52

I do think the club is guilty, yes. I can't believe that anyone can spend £7000 on a night out without some dodgy business having occurred.

I have sympathy for him as I would do for anyone that has been scammed.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 30/01/2020 07:54

You’ve also got loads of ‘consenting / non-consenting sex’ scenarios to compare it to, which will definitely come in handy.

Do.i? My only scenario is "decent people don't have sex with a drunk partner" - that's hardly loads of scenarios is it? Maybe you do have sex with a drunk partner, but I wouldn't be too keen to shout that from the rooftops tbh.

Pumperthepumper · 30/01/2020 07:56

I asked you upthread what the relevance of that question was and you didn’t answer. Why would I not be keen to shout that from the rooftops? What’s your point here?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 30/01/2020 08:05

The relevance is how do you know that a drunk person is truly consenting?

SnoozyLou · 30/01/2020 08:07

Has he tried letting his mum go down there and have a word? I'm sure they would listen to her.

Presumably he could see the transactions he was paying for, didn't just get a big shock at the end of the night?

I've never been to a strip club. I never plan to go to one either, so admittedly, I haven't done much research. But I thought they were fairly well known for extortionate pricing, and unexpected "add ons". If he went there with 30 odd friends, buying rounds of drinks, what was he expecting? It isn't Wetherspoons.

Did he have a nice time though? That's the main thing.

Pumperthepumper · 30/01/2020 08:11

The relevance is how do you know that a drunk person is truly consenting?

Why is that relevant though? What do we call it when a person isn’t truly consenting? Clue: it’s the same word you’ve denied over and over again that you’re comparing with this man spending too much money in a club.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 30/01/2020 08:19

What do we call it when a person isn’t truly consenting? Clue: it’s the same word you’ve denied over and over again that you’re comparing with this man spending too much money in a club.

Do we? Only if it's a woman who is the victim of a man. Given that a fair few posters on here appear to not have a problem with having sex with a drunk partner, and assuming that they are women, maybe they risk an accusation of sexual assault in the future from a partner who believes that they didn't consent?

Are you honestly saying that you see nothing wrong with having sex with a drunk partner? I'm really surprised.

Pumperthepumper · 30/01/2020 08:26

What word do we use for ‘didn’t consent’?