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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is weird that I don't get invited anywhere with my OH

379 replies

ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 16:43

My OH has a brother who is about to turn 30, they've arranged a meal for him. I've had to rearrange my work shifts so that OH can go.
He doesn't think it's weird that I haven't been invited? I've been in his brothers life for over 4 years now.
Maybe I'm just a bit put out that I'm losing a days wage so facilitate him being able to and having to sit at home with my children!
Similarly he was invited to a night out but couldn't go because I was working, I wasn't invited.
We spent NYE apart as he was invited out and I wasn't.

I KNOW we have a life apart but it would be nice to get dolled up and go out and have fun TOGETHER, both free of "mum and dad" duties but maybe aibu?

OP posts:
Straightrhymes · 26/01/2020 18:23

There's absolutely no doubt that it's weird and inappropriate not to invite you. Nobody is this tone deaf. There's something wrong here.

Straightrhymes · 26/01/2020 18:27

And I can't believe the hard-facedness of your sil inviting him through you at the same time as excluding you. Don't accept being treated like that!

Pinkette06 · 26/01/2020 18:27

If you get on well with his parents you could ask them?

TheresWaldo · 26/01/2020 18:29

Well I would be cancelling taking leave and letting him get on with it. His reaction to this will tell you a lot.

AngelsSins · 26/01/2020 18:33

What are you going to say to her OP?

I’m afraid it sounds more likely that your partner doesn’t want you there for some reason (to me at least!). You said your surprised he’s even going, could it be he just wants to get it over with quickly and thinks if you’re there you’ll want to be more sociable, stay longer etc? That wouldn’t make lying ok, he’s making you feel crap and that’s not on. First step though is finding out f it really was the girlfriend who excluded you.

CandyDandyLiquorQuicker · 26/01/2020 18:45

Yes, you need to ask. Then you will know.

But this -

But we send pictures of the children (her more than me, I get about 10 pictures and 4 videos a day!!!) Ask what we are up to, ask about work, plans for the night, sometimes we talk about our lives pre children

All over messaging? And yet you never ever see her, the cousins don’t play together?

Honestly OP, it all sounds incredibly unusual.

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 18:47

My plan to say something will go along the lines of
"Xs meal choice is lentil soup followed by x and x thank you! I hope I don't seem rude by asking this but I'm just checking that the invite doesn't extend to myself? Would hate to think you're all waiting for me and I was none the wiser!! But none the less I know x will have a cracking birthday! Especially having all his brothers there 😊" feel free to help me on the wording lol

OP posts:
GrapefruitGin · 26/01/2020 18:49

Very strange. My DP and I always go to eachothers family events, if for a reason one of us is unable to attend the family always asks after the other! In fact my family prefer him to me 😂 I’d like to think his family prefer me to him too! Has it always been like this?

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 18:50

Nope our children do not play together, she has no interest in meeting up. I've offered to pop over to hers and I get fobbed off with "its x nap time"
"Sorry just about to nip out" "I'm at my mums today sorry another time"
Both our daughters haven't met their child. And we have only seen her when she was born. Vice versa, they only met our daughters by coming to the hospital afterwards

OP posts:
TheCakeCrusader · 26/01/2020 18:52

Bookmark

@JKScot4

I’d reply to her txt, with ‘can I ask why I’m the only partner excluded from this dinner?’ time to shame their fuckin rudeness.

I agree with the above- OP you need to just ask the gf why is it that you’ve been excluded! You also need to state to your OH that this has nothing to do with having some separate time from one another especially since other partners are being included in these events! Why aren’t they all having separate time from their partners if it’s all about only one half of the couples attending- which is evidently not the case?!

leccybill · 26/01/2020 18:53

Have you spoken to your own mum about it? What does she think?

stevenage42 · 26/01/2020 18:54

OP, correct me if I'm wrong, but you say that you are the go between his family and him. So the invites are sent via you???
Does he not have a phone? He's a stay at home dad? How do you contact him during the day to check on kids etc etc??

This is all a bit odd. Who on earth doesn't have a phone these days? Why on earth would he be invited to events via you, but you aren't?? The sheer cheek of them!
And how come you've not called them out before? Each and every time?
Are they just assuming " oh Felicia? Yeah she never come out do what's the point in inviting her any more!"

I think you need to phone your sil and have a frank conversation.

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 18:57

Yeah I'm the go between, he does have a phone but they don't have his number
It's all done over Facebook messages

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 26/01/2020 18:58

It sounds like your OH is going under sufferance because its a 'family 'thing. Maybe he thinks if you go, it will look like he wants more 'family' time?

But his separate lives thing is the strange part of it. That would only make sense if you did everything else together, or if he's conscious of you not being married ie. not real 'family'. Or maybe, he's not happy at being a SAHD and needs to get out more to feel like a proper man?. I think you need to ask him.

I say 'family' to mean HIS family as opposed to the family he has with you and the kids! Some men are weird about this.

GrapefruitGin · 26/01/2020 18:59

he does have a phone but they don't have his number
It's all done over Facebook messages

This is all sounding really strange, OP! They have your number but not his? He’s invited but you’re not? You mentioned he’s 4 years off his 30th birthday so he’s 26 and a SAHD? Is that right?

TheCakeCrusader · 26/01/2020 19:01

@ByeFeliciaa
I personally wouldn't sound overly apologetic for asking a reasonable question ”I hope I don't seem rude by asking this”

It seems quite odd that they’re openly excluding you in the first place!

You need to ask that it would be great to also attend with your OH and see what the gf’s reaction is.

LagunaBubbles · 26/01/2020 19:02

I think he's gaslighting you as this is not normal. Youre a couple and whst it's important to maintain separate friendships etc it doesn't mean you shouldn't do things together to!

AngelsSins · 26/01/2020 19:02

Maybe don’t text the meal preferences, text her his phone number instead. If this was her doing (which I do doubt as it sounds like other members of the family have excluded you in the past too) then she has an incredible lack of respect for you. She could be using you as a way to talk about her kids - I mean 10 pictures and 4 videos a day?! No one has that much interest in other people’s children!

CherryPavlova · 26/01/2020 19:07

Really odd. Really really odd.
Your his wife, of course you’d expect to attend family events as a couple.

MyNewBearTotoro · 26/01/2020 19:07

This whole situation sounds very odd, to be messaging your SIL several times a day but to never actually meet up with her seems very odd! I guess maybe she is someone who prefers to chat over her phone than in real life but it still sounds like a strange situation.

I think your text seems fine - whilst I would be tempted to just outright ask ‘why are you excluding me?’ in reality it’s unlikely to be taken well and will probably just cause drama. I would send a nice text to gauge what’s going on as for all you know your DH told his brothers years ago that you hate social situations or that it’s impossible for you to get childcare or something else which has caused them to exclude you over the years. If after you’ve asked the SIL confirms they don’t want you there without a reasonable explanation I would probably step back from the friendship tbh.

7yo7yo · 26/01/2020 19:10

If message back and say you’ll have to ask him yourself, I’m not invited so have no interest.

lilgreen · 26/01/2020 19:10

It’s weird. But weirder that your OH is ok with it.

eddielizzard · 26/01/2020 19:14

This is very weird. I'd stop asking SIL out or asking her to do anything with me. I'd text back 'Am I included in this invitation?' I'd be blunt, because it forces them to admit their / she's being incredibly rude. Personally I'd have stopped bothering long ago.

averythinline · 26/01/2020 19:15

Certainly don't be the message go between that's ridiculous...
It's all a bit weird but you don't have to facilitate them ignoring you

Don't change your work, don't pass on messages he wants to go out without you he can sort it, you're not tv his secretary

Spend some time on yourself.... whether that's a hobby/class /counselling and make you important not such a pushover...

DickDewy · 26/01/2020 19:15

It's very weird indeed.

I'd be questioning how important your partner feels you are to him, tbh.