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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is weird that I don't get invited anywhere with my OH

379 replies

ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 16:43

My OH has a brother who is about to turn 30, they've arranged a meal for him. I've had to rearrange my work shifts so that OH can go.
He doesn't think it's weird that I haven't been invited? I've been in his brothers life for over 4 years now.
Maybe I'm just a bit put out that I'm losing a days wage so facilitate him being able to and having to sit at home with my children!
Similarly he was invited to a night out but couldn't go because I was working, I wasn't invited.
We spent NYE apart as he was invited out and I wasn't.

I KNOW we have a life apart but it would be nice to get dolled up and go out and have fun TOGETHER, both free of "mum and dad" duties but maybe aibu?

OP posts:
Apirateslifeforme · 26/01/2020 19:22

You have two children with this man, ypure financially supporting him, yet he feels you have separate lives?
Righto.
Changes need to be made.
I also wonder why you are talking with someone who in real life doesn't want to see you or your children?

Savingshoes · 26/01/2020 19:22

Get dressed up and ready to go. When he comes home, ask him where bil party is and go, leaving him to parent the children whilst you go to the party.

Ginfordinner · 26/01/2020 19:25

Yeah I'm the go between,

Time to stop. Message back and say "why are you asking me? I haven't even been invited" then give her your OH's number.

Please stop letting them walk all over you.

PerkyPomPoms · 26/01/2020 19:26

Yes, you need to message her ASAP. Your DH sounds a total bellend re family dynamics too!

Selmababies · 26/01/2020 19:33

This must feel so soul destroying for you. I feel angry on your behalf at how your dh is treating you.
In the nicest way possible, you have to stop being a door mat though.
As others have said, I think you need to ask yourself what you get out of this relationship. It seems your husband gets a money flow without having to work himself. It sounds as though he really doesn't like you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.
Is this what you want for the rest of your life? In your shoes, I'd be building up savings without him knowing, and consider giving up work too with a view to leaving him soon after. ( as he has been the sahd it may make it more likely for him to get residence of the kids- get some legal advice). Tell him it's his turn to work now.
You can make a better life for yourself and your children. Stay with him and your self esteem will sink lower and lower.

Selmababies · 26/01/2020 19:35

Also, maybe go and get some counselling for yourself to work out how to be more assertive and decide what you want from your life and how best to go about getting it.
Lastly, find something that gives you a chance to make a friend or two!

Nomorelaundry · 26/01/2020 19:39

So have you asked her?

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2020 19:40

Just ask. Send the text.

My take is he has told them you don't want to come and wish to stay home with the kids.

It's so far from normal not to invite you. You know it is.

And he's behind it. That's he he's lying to your face and saying to normal.

Tistheseason17 · 26/01/2020 19:40

This us not usual family behaviour. And my DH would want me with him, too..

lborgia · 26/01/2020 19:42

I've RTFT, and I feel as if I must've missed something.

If DH has no contact with his brothers, and they doubt have his phone number, how on earth is he telling them Felicia can't/ won't come to the party?

How do we know that SIL isn't in some very weird space where she wants to keep Felicia out of the picture. I know that sounds crazy, but the whole thing is a nonsense.

If SIL is responsible for all communications, either DH IS in contact with her, is passing info through his parents, or SIL is manipulating the family, and dh is gas lighting Felicia simply because he feels awkward about the lack of invitation and doesn't know what to do about it (because he would rather she was miserable than talking to his own fucking brother).

Whilst I'm here, since when did relatives go NC because they have little in common?

I think there's something nasty in the woodshed here...

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2020 19:42

Just press send on the text op. Don't over think it or hesitate. The text is good. Just do it,

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 19:56

My other half isn't some cock lodger. He did work but then our daughters went through a rough patch of not sleeping and he gave up work to help at home. I then decided to go out to work, it's been much better all round for my mental health and having time away from the children (who I do struggle with at times)
I'm barely bringing in enough money for us so no he isn't enjoying "sitting on his ass not contributing"

It's not that the low contact was an official thing, more just they drifted apart, have nothing they want to say to each other. Like I said, the last time everyone was together was their nans funeral. Before that was just a happy birthday on their birthdays.

The invite message said "hey how are you and the kids? X would like to invite your OH to his birthday meal. I'm sure FIL will mention the other details to him when it's a bit closer! Hope he will be able to make it xxxxxxxx"

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 26/01/2020 20:01

X would like to invite your OH to his birthday meal

That is such a shitty thing to do. Give her your OH's number. Do NOT engage. You are not there to do your OH's wife-work.

fairlyplump · 26/01/2020 20:03

I think this is very sad for you, this is awful, of course they should invite you, and your OH should be saying so too. This is very very odd

diddl · 26/01/2020 20:04

I wouldn't send that text it's too, idk, needy?

They're not interested in your or your OH it would seem.

Tell them to contact him directly and then fuck off

No one seems to treat you as family!

JKScot4 · 26/01/2020 20:05

Your DP gave up work because the DC weren’t sleeping? Confused
Time for him to get an evening/weekend job.

CakeandCustard28 · 26/01/2020 20:05

Very odd that your OH isn’t sticking up for you and just allowing this to continue. Hmm Does he have a secret family on the side or something?

Redwinestillfine · 26/01/2020 20:06

Very odd. Family stuff should include you because you're family.

Sisiwawa · 26/01/2020 20:07

Have tou sent her the text yet?!
We are all waiting to hear SILs response!
Just ask, politely but firmly, nothing to lose...

Sisiwawa · 26/01/2020 20:08

*you

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 20:10

I work evenings and weekends. It's in a restaurant but my hours chop and change constantly.
We are both looking for something a bit more reliable and certainly full time.
He has bar work experience but finishing at 2am when I'm due in work at 8am is not really healthy imo. It just didnt work. But that's not what this thread is about!
I don't feel like I'm part of the family, I just feel like I've gave them some grandchildren to admire but I don't feel as though I'm one of them. Defintely not family on the side!

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 26/01/2020 20:21

Why haven’t you stood up for yourself OP? What are you scared of?

L0bstersLass · 26/01/2020 20:47

I wouldn't send the text you'd planned to.

I'd write - We're all great thanks! Just making sure I'm invited too. It's no bother to organise a sitter. It would be lovely to see you all. Or is it boys only?

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2020 20:51

Sorry lobster lass, that's not a better text as it assumes an invite. The objective is not to get her to go, it's to find out why she's not invited.

Tangofandango · 26/01/2020 20:54

Why is he even going to celebrate the birthday of a brother he is NC with? Will he talk to the brother at the meal and then go NC again afterwards?

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