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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is weird that I don't get invited anywhere with my OH

379 replies

ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 16:43

My OH has a brother who is about to turn 30, they've arranged a meal for him. I've had to rearrange my work shifts so that OH can go.
He doesn't think it's weird that I haven't been invited? I've been in his brothers life for over 4 years now.
Maybe I'm just a bit put out that I'm losing a days wage so facilitate him being able to and having to sit at home with my children!
Similarly he was invited to a night out but couldn't go because I was working, I wasn't invited.
We spent NYE apart as he was invited out and I wasn't.

I KNOW we have a life apart but it would be nice to get dolled up and go out and have fun TOGETHER, both free of "mum and dad" duties but maybe aibu?

OP posts:
Thehop · 26/01/2020 17:38

I think your partner doesn’t want you there,

Ask the gf “I think he’s really looking forward to the dinner. I would have liked it too, gutted not to be invited again”

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 17:39

I cant see why he wouldnt want me there, I've spoken to the other 2 brothers and again we have no problems, I'm friendly enough and they ask about the kids etc. I dunno what's going on

OP posts:
Ihavenoidewhatsgoingon · 26/01/2020 17:39

It’s weird

You are a family now and you should be doing things together as well as separately.

Could you get your DH to invite the friends / brothers to come round to your so you can get to know them better?

JKScot4 · 26/01/2020 17:40

Please txt gf and ask her why were you not invited, it’s the only way you’ll find out.

hereiamagain84 · 26/01/2020 17:40

Recently I wasn’t invited to my DPs dads 60th birthday celebrations - but my partner questioned it and it turned out it was a costing issue - weekend away and bringing partners = more rooms etc.

Maybe are they paying for his meal and can’t afford to pay for partners too?

HollowTalk · 26/01/2020 17:41

You need to send that girlfriend a message asking why you've been left out. She sounds odd, though - she's acting like a friend but backs out of meeting up?

JKScot4 · 26/01/2020 17:42

@hereiamagain84
But pay for all the other guests? It’s not cost 🙄

StoneColdSaidSo · 26/01/2020 17:42

I also think your oh doesn’t want you there for some reason. Maybe he feels like he can’t let his hair down when you’re there. Whatever his reasons, it’s still not on and I would definitely be talking to him about it. Have you ever actually told him how it makes you feel?

squee123 · 26/01/2020 17:42

are you sure he isn't just assuming you're not invited, and they're assuming you are? Thinking about it I'm not sure that when we invite people to things we ever specifically mention the partner. Rather we might just say to the person we're speaking to "are you free/would you like to come" but we assume they understand the invite is for them and their partner, and judging from the fact they nornally then bring their partners they must be assuming so too.

Ginfordinner · 26/01/2020 17:43

In fact he actually said I was weird for thinking I would be invited

You live together and have children, and he thinks that Shock

That is so mean and rude. He is behaving like he thinks he is a single man.

She actually messaged me about an hour ago to ask if my partner is definitely going and if so what are his meal choices

Why should you be the go between? He can organise his meal choices himself Hmm
I wouldn’t be passing the message on or organising his social life if it doesn’t include you.

Interestedwoman · 26/01/2020 17:43

'Oh God ive a warped view of friendship don't I'

@ByeFeliciaaNothing you've said is particularly warped- I'd say it's them that are acting weirdly. I agree with PP's that maybe you could somehow ask them, in a non-adversarial way.

I have ADHD with autistic traits, and find some people 'don't like my face' no matter how hard I try. I try my best usually, but sometimes cock up in social interactions. Could it be something like these reasons? I would never have imagined I had this.

I was 41 before a private consultant told me this, and it was later confirmed by the NHS. I did well at uni and am an extrovert, so no-one would really of guessed, except I always struggled socially and at work. Realising this has helped me be a bit more forgiving of myself.

IMO you could go to some sort of evening class/activity once a week, that way you can meet some people. OH could mind the DC. I know what it's like to not be confident socially though, and to find it difficult.

Hugs xxxxx

stevenage42 · 26/01/2020 17:49

There's no way you haven't been invited. I would put money on it. I suspect you have been, but your oh is making up excuses, such as no babysitter etc etc...

Oldraver · 26/01/2020 17:50

After her texting you about meal choices I would text back ...Why are you asking the one person NOT invited about meal choices

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 26/01/2020 17:51

Well your husband likes it this way, so you have to decide what you want.

Regarding the meal choices - you reply "I'll let him know to get in touch with you".

When she texts during the day "I've been busy / I've been at work"

Look for friends elsewhere. At the park, library, wherever you go with your children at the weekend. New friends should help you find your self-esteem.

Ennith · 26/01/2020 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

damnthatanxiety · 26/01/2020 17:54

After her texting you about meal choices I would text back ...Why are you asking the one person NOT invited about meal choices

This ^^ but I would ask before sending her the meal choice as she may just not reply. It is odd OP odd odd odd.

Elieza · 26/01/2020 17:54

Someone doesn’t want you there. Your partner is the prime suspect. Did he leave you alone for the bells? If do I’d be dumping him forthwith.

You either have to ask her what the deal is. Or you ask him. If you ask him he will lie! So ask her.

I’d be saying along the lines of ‘I don’t mean to sound cheeky but the other guys gf’s are going to this night out but I’ve don’t appear to have been invited and I was wondering if I’ve offended you or something awful like that or if I’ve offended someone else’
and see what comes back. I’d send the message when he’s with you so you can hear his phone ping if he immediately gets a message from her on panic mode asking him awkward questions about you asking her awkward questions!

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 17:54

The only contact between my OH and his brother is me, me and the girlfriend.
It was her that invited my OH. And I suspect he has only been invited because the other brothers were (i mean if it were only 1 brother going then it doesnt look weird, but to have the other 2 go and not my OH it does look a bit weirder to me)
Imo there is no way that I would be invited without me knowing as most communication is done via me

OP posts:
PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 26/01/2020 17:54

YANBU. Having a dinner with just two brothers or close friends make sense, or having a boys night out etc icoukd understand. I can't imagine not inviting a partner to a nye's party though!

Kwkwjwkek · 26/01/2020 17:56

Why haven’t you asked her why you’re not invited??

Also odd that u speak every day but no contact. I mean I’m the same with my friends but considering she’s family it’s very odd! Why would they decline their neices first birthday? Something is going on ...you need a chat with them.

diddl · 26/01/2020 17:58

I wonder if it's being skewed by the other 2 brothers not having gfs, so just the brothers are invited-Op not so that she can babysit?

Sil & Bil obviously aren't bothered though or Op would be invited!

Personally I think it's odd not to invite.

Would your OH invite his brother & not his OH?

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 17:59

Because I thought my OH would ask, I thought he would get in touch with his brother to say like yeah I'll be coming, what about byefelicia but then he said he won't be asking as he doesn't speak to his brother. Doesn't have his number and no Facebook to contact him.
I'm not close to the brother but I am his girlfriend(imo)maybe that's why.
But it just seems quite sad, I'm the only one to not be there by the looks of it.
But then again my OH said it was even weirder that his brothers girlfriend is going so maybe he is the strange one Grin (he thinks they should celebrate their own way and let the brother have a birthday night with his family and wider felines)

OP posts:
FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 26/01/2020 18:00

When you say the communication is done through you - do you mean they'll literally text you to say your oh is invited to a party at theirs, but you're not? 😱

Lotts123 · 26/01/2020 18:01

I think it’s perfectly normal within a relationship to socialise separately at times, but in this instance it does sound like it’s your partner who doesn’t want you there.

If I get an invitation to a family meal I would assume (unless stated otherwise, or it was quite obviously ‘girls night’) that the invite also extended to my partner - because we are a family and if it’s a family gathering then that means the both of us.

I wonder if maybe your partner says you aren’t invited because it’s easier than having to find childcare?

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 18:01

Wider friends I meant!!
Yes OH has said, if he decided to have a 30th bash in 4 years time, he will not be inviting DSIL. Just his brother (but OH doesn't like her very much 🤦‍♀️)

OP posts: