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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it is weird that I don't get invited anywhere with my OH

379 replies

ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 16:43

My OH has a brother who is about to turn 30, they've arranged a meal for him. I've had to rearrange my work shifts so that OH can go.
He doesn't think it's weird that I haven't been invited? I've been in his brothers life for over 4 years now.
Maybe I'm just a bit put out that I'm losing a days wage so facilitate him being able to and having to sit at home with my children!
Similarly he was invited to a night out but couldn't go because I was working, I wasn't invited.
We spent NYE apart as he was invited out and I wasn't.

I KNOW we have a life apart but it would be nice to get dolled up and go out and have fun TOGETHER, both free of "mum and dad" duties but maybe aibu?

OP posts:

letmebefrank · 26/01/2020 18:01

I think this is an OH problem: he should want you to be included, too, and yet he's clearly not bothered. Or he doesn't want you there.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your OH.

Arthritica · 26/01/2020 18:02

This is weird, OP. If it was just the lads, OK, but their Mum and the brother's girlfriend are going and you're the only one excluded? Something's not right.

AllHeart1 · 26/01/2020 18:03

While what @ SexlessBoulderBelly has said sounds harsh, the truth here is that OP is the common denominator here. She is never invited to family events, the brother’s gf always agrees to things but always backs out of them, the partner says that it’s the norm, and outside of all this OP says she has no friends.

Now that doesn’t necessarily mean that OP is a bad or unpleasant person, but there can be all sorts of reasons why people don’t take to someone. And as much as OP should question the SIL in this instance (and her texting OP to ask for meal choices is a perfect opportunity to do just that,) it is also worth exploring whether there is anything which could conceivably cause issues with developing and maintaining friendships.

kiki22 · 26/01/2020 18:03

My mind went straight to it's him not wanting you their. Are u t total or would want him to leave early? Anything that would make him not want you there?

Ginfordinner · 26/01/2020 18:05

This family sound quite dysfunctional. I would stop acting as a go between for your partner and his family. He can put his grown up pants on and do it himself. This set up is very off.

Why are you asking the one person NOT invited about meal choices

although I do like this response ^^

crosspelican · 26/01/2020 18:05

Honestly it's so weird that I would ask out straight:

"Hi Sandra, DP says he would like the lobster thermidor, but can the restaurant make sure it is shellfish and egg free.

While I'm chatting to you I just wanted to make sure I'm not massively misunderstanding, but am I right in thinking that I'm not invited at all? At first you didn't mention it, so I didn't want to assume, but now you say that DBIL's friends girlfriends are going, so clearly partners ARE invited and maybe I have got the wrong end of the stick and I'm invited after all?

Felicia x"

damnthatanxiety · 26/01/2020 18:07

AllHeart1 you are conveniently ignoring the points that the OP is not the one who instigates the messaging with the brother's GF, the GF is, and that the OP has 2 Dc and works full time with no free time to go and foster friendships. No, I think you and @sexless are being harsh and incorrect

Original poster

ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 18:07

Childcare also not a problem, my mum would have watched our children.
I do get it if OH doesn't want me there as being a sahd can be lonely and he wants adult time but to even say "my brother says it's ok you're welcome along" would of been nice!! Its not to say I'd actually go.
It's been years since me and OH have done anything without the children, I only get a "break" to work.
Yeah maybe I am weird for being in contact with the girlfriend when the friendship isn't being reciprocated but I honestly didn't see a problem until now. I feel excluded and OH just says that's stupid to feel like that.
No I do not earn more than them. Their in a much better position financially times a thousand!
Nothing has ever been said about him being a sahd, they(the girlfriend) do enquire from time to time does he have any interest in working etc

OP posts:

Nannewnannew · 26/01/2020 18:08

I’m afraid that it sounds that maybe your OH is not really into you. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh and hurtful but from past experience I think that may be the case. My ex and I were together for 9 years but we never went to see his family or friends as a couple. He even went to their weddings or to stay a few days and I was left at home. Me accompanying him was never even discussed, he would just suddenly announce that he was doing xyz.
Maybe it’s time to confront him? It is hurtful I know.

Hopoindown31 · 26/01/2020 18:08

Does he get drunk at these things? I have a friend whose DH likes to drink with his dad and brother (doesn't get much of a chance otherwise) and has at times "assumed" she will be home looking after the kids so he can go on a bender without his wife there. Interestingly it was stopped when her MIL asked why they hardly ever saw her at family dinners and offered to babysit so she could go to the next one. Cue awkward conversation and, as she tells it, a severe bollocking of DH at home. She'd been assuming they didn't like her and was too afraid to ask.

simplekindoflife · 26/01/2020 18:10

Yes OH has said, if he decided to have a 30th bash in 4 years time, he will not be inviting DSIL. Just his brother

This is not normal behaviour. Once you're living with someone, especially with kids, you're a unit! You're family! It's all very weird. I've never known anything like this - partners are always invited, unless it's a girls/lads night or something.

I think you'd dp is the problem here though. You need to talk to him.

JustDanceAddict · 26/01/2020 18:10

I Agree w crosspelican - I would ask outright. You’ve got nothing to lose.
I don’t understand if you communicate w SIL every day but haven’t seen her for 18 months, obv you’re live near enough to meet up. There is something v odd here...

crosspelican · 26/01/2020 18:11

While what @ SexlessBoulderBelly has said sounds harsh, the truth here is that OP is the common denominator here.

True as that is, with family that's just tough! Unless the OP has form for getting completely shitfaced and starting fights at family events, you still kind of have to invite people to events like this - that's just the most basic of manners. The dysfunction seems to be in her parter's personal and family dynamic. It's really tough on her that he honestly doesn't think's it's remotely off for him to leave her at home with the kids without even considering that it is the norm for partners to come out to family events, NYE etc.

Casino218 · 26/01/2020 18:12

You're behaving like a doormat op. They are treating you like one. Get assertive and stop this nonsense!

Original poster

ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 18:12

And just to add, this is the first family event in years. The last time all OHs family were together was his nans funeral.( I was invited to that!)
Just feel a bit Billy no mates but I guess that's to be expected because it's the brothers birthday. Maybe it would be a different story if it were the girlfriends birthday? Who knows.
I'm definitely going to ask, she is still waiting for a reply about the menu choices.
When I said we message every day, it's not bordering on harassing, we send pictures of the children (her more than me, I get about 10 pictures and 4 videos a day!!!) Ask what we are up to, ask about work, plans for the night, sometimes we talk about our lives pre children (she has only been with the brother for 2.5yr) talk about my daughters up coming birthday etc. If she didn't reply I wouldn't keep messaging her and imo we are very friendly, have never fallen out and I do not believe I have ever said anything to offend her or DPs brother

OP posts:

crosspelican · 26/01/2020 18:13

As @JustDanceAddict says - you've got nothing to lose by putting her on the spot and ASKING.

Worst case scenario she responds "No, that's right - you're not invited. Thanks for the menu choices. Sandra x" and then you know she's a massive bitch with the social graces of a horsefly, and you need never interact with her again.

WithLotsOfSprinkles0 · 26/01/2020 18:14

Let me guess this straight..... your the mother to his two children, the working parent, the breadwinner and yet you only get a break when your not at work.

You need to seriously look at this relationship.

He doesnt think its weird that theres other girlfriends going but your not invited?
Either he is playing dumb (and knows it weird but doesnt want to say) or he has a very dysfunctional way of looking at things.

He may or may not think it's weird but say you do and from what youve seen and heard from other families, its very odd.

Even if he doesnt agree with you, he should respect that you dont like it and should ask about it.

I would be looking at this relationship and seeing what exactly you get out of it. Seems like your there to pay Bill's and look after the kids while hes out to things your not invited to.

Not a cat in hells chance I would put up this shit.

Ginfordinner · 26/01/2020 18:16

I feel excluded and OH just says that's stupid to feel like that.

He is gaslighting you. It isn't stupid to feel like that, not at all. He is being selfish and thoughtless.

Was the relationship always like this, even before you had children? Did you not think it odd?

Original poster

ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 18:16

No DP won't even be drinking as I have work at 8am the next day.
There is a meal and then drinks at another place, he is only going to the meal because of my working and has already said he won't be drinking because he would rather not deal with the children hungover lol.
I would not get shit faced either, we did go on a double date with them when DSIL was first introduced to us. We had 4 drinks between me and OH, we aren't drinkers at all!

OP posts:

Ginfordinner · 26/01/2020 18:20

Please don't be a doormat. You can tell the GF that her partner can message your partner, and tell her that as you haven't been invited it isn't up to you to act as go between. You are not your partner's secretary.

crosspelican · 26/01/2020 18:20

He is gaslighting you. It isn't stupid to feel like that, not at all. He is being selfish and thoughtless.

Huge second.

What is his family like? Are his parents dysfunctional? People I know who have odd or dysfunctional views of family dynamics often turn out to have slightly horrifying parents.

Murrfect · 26/01/2020 18:21

Could you begin to rewrite what’s expected / accepted?

Could you say to your OH mum/dad who you see regularly that you’d like to organise something for the family and you’d like everyone to be there including the kids?

Maybe a bring and share for Easter? With you doing most of the bringing food and ask if you could have it at.... wherever their house your house or local beauty spot even.

Include that you felt left out of the brothers 30th so you’d like to do something to show that it can be fun to do stuff with everyone.

Might be not what you would enjoy doing all the time but it might be the start of new family expectations / traditions.

Murrfect · 26/01/2020 18:22

(But tbh I think your OH sounds like a bit of a ....

L0bstersLass · 26/01/2020 18:22

@ByeFeliciaa
So you live together, have two kids together and yet he says that the two of you have separate lives?
This is very weird.
If I was you, I would be bold and asked to be invited.

Murrfect · 26/01/2020 18:23

And get OH parents to do the inviting btw

So people can’t say no as easily. Even better for one of their birthdays or event days

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