To think it is weird that I don't get invited anywhere with my OH

[ByeFeliciaa]

My OH has a brother who is about to turn 30, they've arranged a meal for him. I've had to rearrange my work shifts so that OH can go.
He doesn't think it's weird that I haven't been invited? I've been in his brothers life for over 4 years now.
Maybe I'm just a bit put out that I'm losing a days wage so facilitate him being able to and having to sit at home with my children!
Similarly he was invited to a night out but couldn't go because I was working, I wasn't invited.
We spent NYE apart as he was invited out and I wasn't.

I KNOW we have a life apart but it would be nice to get dolled up and go out and have fun TOGETHER, both free of "mum and dad" duties but maybe aibu?

Is he agonising about this as much as you are?

Ditch him. What crime was he convicted of?

So you are with a man for 4 years, not married, have 3 kids to him, he doesn't work, has criminal convictions, you're both in debt. And you chose that person to be with? I'm sorry but what are you thinking?! Your life is a real mess. You are with a no hoper who will never amount to anything. He won't commit to you (marriage at a registry office costs less than having one kid does, let alone 3), and he doesn't even see you as a family unit. Separate lives? To my mind, that would mean friends with benefits. The fact he doesn't want you invited with him shows that he does not see you has his life partner. He doesn't see you at all as a family unit. It is not normal for your Other Half - hence the term half (meaning two halves of one WHOLE) to not expect you to be invited everywhere as a couple. That is not normal.

He does not see you as his other 'half'. He sees you each as separate people living separate lives. He won't change. His inability to commit to you and also see you as a family unit, a package, his job history, his convictions (and if I read your post right, he has to wait 6 months post conviction? That means his conviction was only recent?)... my goodness. Please get out now. Maybe it's a good thing you aren't married. There is no future with him, you could do so much better. I would suggest doing a course by correspondence, something, anything, to get yourself a good paying full time job. Then leave him. There is no future with him, he will never change. He will drag you down. He is dragging you down. Get out of this rut you're in and leave him, you deserve better.

@Nomorelaundry I think you may be replying to the wrong person/wrong thread? I am replying to current posts on the thread.

Your partner's family sound odd, but that's the least of your issues. You're all ever so young to be having all these children so it's no wonder there's money issues. You really need to stop having children so you can get your life back on track, I hope you've started taking contraception seriously now. While it's brutal being woken up at night, you've got yourselves into this situation with all these children and debt, so you both need to work very hard to get out of it; if he isn't willing to work hard too then you'll be financially better off split up. My DS still wakes me on a work night and I still go to work, everybody does it; drink the coffee, focus on the tasks for those few hours and juggle getting some rest later once you're home. It looks like you're only working about 17 hours then want to turn down a further 8 while he isn't working - well no, that isn't taking care of your family and for goodness sake you don't need him home full time so you can work a few hours like that. It seems like you've literally no idea what most other people area actually doing, because actually most people are working more than the pair of you. I'm sorry it's hard, I have every sympathy that you're tired, but you are parents now and you both must start being more responsible. If you step up then you might find your mum, his parents and others will step up to help you. You said there's a call centre, why don't you apply there instead of him, to get regular hours? With convictions it will always be harder for him to get a job, but his parole officer and the job centre should both be able to help him get in touch with organisations who can help. He also needs to start trying for other things if he can't get the warehouse job; can't he take the cleaning job? Basic forklift training is £100, that's seriously not a reason for the warehouse to turn him down - is his conviction for drugs or theft? If so, surely he'll struggle to get any warehouse job and needs to try something else.

@SaphfireRose very sorry wrong thread! I was on the zombie thread about the pre nup and think I hit a button at the bottom! So I was reading that then saw your comment went to reply. Went to delete it and then posted it 🙄🤦‍♀️ apologies.

I rarely comment on threads but OP I think you have been unfairly vilified on this thread and I want you to show you some support. You sound as if you are stuck in a difficult situation with your home life and you are clearly trying to improve things for yourself and your family and you obviously know your entitlements and I quite agree that there is no help whatsoever for people who can just afford to live. It really IS that hard to find a job and I am livid on your behalf that people are suggesting it’s that easy for you or your DP to JUST find a job that you’re qualified to do, pays what you need, is located where you can get to and fits around childcare for 3 young children, let alone the issue of paying for childcare as well!! It’s hard enough to get a job that covers just two of those points! And this is coming from someone who has 2 degrees, it’s a bloody tough world out there. What’s more you sound as though you’ve had a terrible battle with MH issues and I’m glad you had your DP’s support. I’m 26 and I have one baby and it’s hard enough when she doesn’t sleep let alone with 3 tag teaming you. I’m sure he wouldn’t have taken such drastic measures as to leave his job if it wasn’t necessary.

Sorry I have no real advice but I wanted to show some support and tell you that there are people who understand. Some of these posters have clearly led very privileged lives if they have never had to negotiate the difficulty of finding a new job under difficult circumstances.

@owlpacker well said! @ByeFeliciaa I think you're doing amazingly well

@owlpacker - I don't see anywhere that anybody has "vilified" the OP, maybe you meant a different word. People have agreed with her that her OH's family are strange, but she also started raising a number of other issues regarding their relationship and life in general. She's worn down and that's because her OH isn't pulling his weight, people are offering suggestions to help her. His unspecified convictions has been a hell of a drip feed too.

I agree MRex.
The OP has been getting support and it has been pointed out to her how badly she is being treated by her partner. The drip feed re convictions and she still hasn't told us what they are.
I'd say she is invited to things but her lazy ar*e partner doesn't want her there.

Because you don't need to know what the convictions are.

Well it is kind of relevant what the convictions are- you're the one who mentioned them in the first place. You're the one asking for advice on your family dynamics. If he's a total tealeaf it's going to affect the advice you're given, understandably.

I just wanted to repeat that it really does seem the lack of children's sleep is the crux of all the problems... if they were able to sleep through the night, both of you could work more easily. They don't sleep without being taught how to self-settle.
The book "Teach Your Child To Sleep" is amazing in teaching techniques (it is published by the Millpond Sleep Clinic), available on Amazon

I mentioned them because people kept bleating on about how he can get a job doing this or that and in actual fact no it isn't as simple as that!
In an ideal world I'd love it if we both could work but right now it doesn't seem possible, we simply cannot afford childcare and any job he seems to get makes everything worse. He had a job in March which was 8am to 7pm. Monday to Saturday, when Sunday came around he was too knackered. I didn't get a break which pushed me to the brink of collapsing. He then got bar work but some times my shifts mean I start at 8am, I told work I couldn't do those starts but they just said I had to be flexible. So we trudged on but him coming home at 2am when I'm up for 6 was impossible. Not to mention that 9 times out of 10, one of our children would be awake. Thus giving him no time to sleep.
Ideally I want an office job 8-3 and then he is free to work the rest of the day but finding those is near impossible. Especially as ones want you to have experience. One was advertising for a reception for a fortnight which for the right candidate would lead to Ft work.
Must have proven MS sales
Must have driving license
Must have worked as a receptionist for 2 years
Must have up to date knowledge of (imput computer system)

Let's not forget I have only been in work for 4 months, somebody on my other thread asked about management training but they have 5 managers so I don't think they want anymore.

I have added on "drip feeds" but my main point was: is this weird that I don't get invited. I didn't ask you all to come ridicule me about my partner being a cock lodger or how he must have eyes for his sister in law 🤦‍♀️ (my in laws would be there, they would tell me and again he would get the shit kicked out of him for being so disrespectful to his brother) same above goes for if he took somebody else along. As if I wasn't beat down enough people then tell me he must have a secret fucking family 🤦‍♀️

I've just had another message from SIL who told me that theyve handed all meal choices in etc, she has even invited two friends of hers along (who I know she has not seen since she was pregnant as she told me so, said they've gone flaky on her now she has a baby) so I'm even more hurt. I haven't responded and I don't think I want to. I've had messages about what her daughter is eating, that she is at soft play, that she is taking her for a walk (all with photos!!!) So I'm assuming she is pretty lonely herself which just adds to the hurt imo as I thought we were good friends. This isn't even the brother excluding me on the basis I don't talk to him as it was his girlfriend who has arranged the whole thing and invited people

Stop responding to her completely. Its weird.

You could work as a teaching assistant? 830 til 3 and holidays off? Pay is low but consistent and time off in the hols to take the pressure off.
With 3 children, you both need to be working more. DH and I do 45 hours a week each, that's pretty normal I'm sure. It pays for after school club so it all works out.

It seems like SIL is using you as a soundboard OP and your relationship with her is one sided. I’d say just bin her off.

This whole dynamic is strange and I’d be hurt that your not invited.

I’m sure it’s not a deal breaker for you and you have other stresses at the moment. I don’t even know if talking to him would even help.

to you though OP.

Unfortunately I do not have any qualifications so I would have to go back to college to get them so I'm not sure that would make anything better as I would have to leave my job
I have been told the hours will pick up in a month or two but I know I can't rely on that

Have you considered posing a qualification with the Open University OP? (Sorry if it’s already been asked)

Sorry just realised pp said TA, I will look into that but I'm not very confident I would ever be given a chance like that.
I did think about the OU but when I looked into it all I could see was £££ and if I applied for a loan then it would effect our UC DP was keen to go to college and study intro to counselling but he has been rejected for that course. Was only 1 day a week for 12 weeks so wouldn't interfere with my work. It might not seem like it but we are trying! I don't want to be stuck doing part time hours, bringing in only £600 a month but seems like I have no choice for the time being, I'm trying to get my experience up and have a great track record with work so a reference from my manager wouldnt be a problem etc.

If your children are school age, you could volunteer at their school and then apply for TA posts.
Could either of you do any self employed work - could your OH perhaps learn a trade? Then his convictions wouldn't be a barrier.
Your aim should be to get off UC.

There is only ever 1 thing I strived to do when I was younger, which was be a driving instructor. Unfortunately I'll never have the money to even do my lessons let alone set up my business
And as much of a good idea TA is, I don't want to go into a job that I don't care about. I couldn't find any jobs for teaching assistant, it's mostly pupil support jobs here but again I have no drive to do that sort of job. I struggle being at home giving time to my own children (yes this sounds bad and I'm working on that) so I don't want to go into a job just to get some holidays.
Same with care work, I tried it in the past and found it too hard ( got hit a lot ) and I have no desire to go back to that job.
The only other thing I'm interested in is chef work which I hope to gain the relevant certification etc at my current work which may allow me to move on

@leccybill volunteering is all well and good but what am I supposed to use to pay the Bill's?
I have done volunteer work before in a charity shop and in a hospital but I didn't need money coming in.
I do hope we are off UC but probably won't happen until our youngest is at school.

Even a tiny amount of volunteering looks brilliant on a CV with no qualifications, or a criminal record.

Appreciate your honesty about not liking working with children, education is not everyone's cup of tea but I find it very rewarding. Chef work, you say? Can you bake? Lots of good work from home opportunities in cake making.

Ah you're being treated like dirt OP, try and rise above it. Stop talking to silly, she's not your friend and have it out with your OH. Something isn't adding up here.

Sil not silly