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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is weird that I don't get invited anywhere with my OH

379 replies

ByeFeliciaa · 26/01/2020 16:43

My OH has a brother who is about to turn 30, they've arranged a meal for him. I've had to rearrange my work shifts so that OH can go.
He doesn't think it's weird that I haven't been invited? I've been in his brothers life for over 4 years now.
Maybe I'm just a bit put out that I'm losing a days wage so facilitate him being able to and having to sit at home with my children!
Similarly he was invited to a night out but couldn't go because I was working, I wasn't invited.
We spent NYE apart as he was invited out and I wasn't.

I KNOW we have a life apart but it would be nice to get dolled up and go out and have fun TOGETHER, both free of "mum and dad" duties but maybe aibu?

OP posts:
Ferret27 · 27/01/2020 17:45

If you want to go then go ... it’s a partnership... and you work hard and should use every opportunity to let your hair down and get to know your partner’s family dynamics.... time to be a bit more pushy ...but also socialise as a couple more ...it’s your future too .. so don’t let others dictate ..good luck

Gilld69 · 27/01/2020 17:45

nye he spent with his brothers fam and not his own id be getting shut of him cheeky get

Taxanimal · 27/01/2020 17:55

Sorry, don’t think much of your partner accepting invitations without you, especially NYE. I’d be really upset 😢😢

Nearly47 · 27/01/2020 18:05

This sound awful and mean! Have a good talk with him. Not acceptable to be left out like this and not usual at all. We go out separately sometimes but from what you are saying they seem to be keeping you away. And the lack of interest in your children is also very odd.

Ginfordinner · 27/01/2020 18:07

What work experience/skills/qualifications does he have?

garbagegirl · 27/01/2020 18:13

So what did she say OP? Why were you not invited?

Lou12124 · 27/01/2020 18:13

I think that whole family clearly has some sort of issue with you. The person you class as a friend who has baby 3 weeks apart is definitely not a friend....if they were they would invite you themselves. Sorry but I'd be questioning the whole relationship! Why would your OH not respect you enough to want you to go to these family events?! Its mad! I'd question your OH and the sister in law

McCanne · 27/01/2020 18:18

This sounds like a really hurtful situation and your partner is out of order.

Aglet · 27/01/2020 18:24

In my experience, men prefer the company of other men. He is getting away with it.

monkeymonkey2010 · 27/01/2020 18:42

But it's not just as simple as walking into another job ffs
Really? Maybe he should stop being so picky......call centre work, cleaning, stacking shelves, office admin, using recruitment agencies are all options available to him.
Fancy going for an interview knowing you don't have a forklift license - which is a detail they ALWAYS advertise on the job advert.

He literally just says it isn't strange at all and we both have separate lives. In fact he actually said I was weird for thinking I would be invited
Sounds like he's checked out.....

The SIL is just using you as a go-between.
The trivial shite she texts you about the dc etc is just to keep you sweet and make you think you have a 'relationship' with them.
They don't want you there.
They even have the balls to use YOU as a go-between to invite OH out - knowing they are excluding you!
Even when politely pulled up on it they have no problem in offering you reluctant breadcrumbs "sure you can come too....if you must"

How about you cut the middle-man out - and they can text your OH directly?
He's got you doing all the earning AND acting like an unpaid PA for his social life...at the cost of your wages too.

Wake up!

monkeymonkey2010 · 27/01/2020 18:44

i think your OH has also probably been whingeing about 'sepaerate lives' to them too....or like some men i know - told his family that he 'needs' time away from you and this 'family' time is all he gets.

I can't believe you've never seen this as a problem before or done anything about it.

BabyItsAWildWorld · 27/01/2020 18:54

Either your OH doesn't want you to go and cuts you out - in which case you have a serious relationship issue to deal with.

Or his friends and family do not like you and don't want you to go, and your OH is not standing up for you - in which case you have a serious relationship issue to deal with.

It's a pretty clear and serious faultline.

lynney88 · 27/01/2020 19:00

Nope not on. I split from my ex and still get invotes to his family's get togethers.

What a weird family set up.

pollymere · 27/01/2020 19:02

I married young. When we were first together it was automatically assumed the invite meant both of us, and it would do. Even things to do with work. I've found this is becoming less and less and we get invited out to things separately. As people are single and divorced, I guess it doesn't discriminate.

It's weird that your not invited to anything with your OH family though. They do know you're still a couple?

aroundtheworldyet · 27/01/2020 19:13

This is FUCKING INSANE,
why do you think this is normal.
It’s really not normal at all. In anyway

Pimmsypimms · 27/01/2020 19:20

Years ago, there was a group of us that would go out, we were all couples. One half of a couple always came out by himself, even though we asked him if his gf was coming out. He always said no she's busy.
Anyway, years later, she had a go at one of us because we never invited her out! We told her that we always invited her out but her dp said she was always busy (this was before everyone had mobile phones, so we had to rely on him asking her) She didn't believe us!

Jack80 · 27/01/2020 19:43

Me and my husband had and issue with brother in laws girlfriend and we didn't get invited to things when they were going but if it was a party I think we would be. We have made peace now.

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 27/01/2020 19:49

I'm coming away from this now.
Just one last thing, the ad said something along the lines of "fork lift license preferred but not essential as we will put the right candidate forward to gain it"
The ad went back up about 10 days later and now says "fork lift license required"
It was not stated as a requirement before hand otherwise he wouldn't have applied!

OP posts:
mayjay16 · 27/01/2020 19:49

Hi, I've read all your posts and people's responses. I think you must go with your partner whether they have agreed rudely or not.
Several things gave me misgivings, in my experience the 'we have separate lives' bullshit is usually said my men who are cheating or want to. Also, you said he doesn't like the sister in law? Why if he hardly knows her? Is he covering his tracks. The fact she texts so much wanting to know your business and what you are doing but doesn't ever meet UP with you. Is she planning to meet him. He has all day every day to see her. I do know some men can feel like failures if they are unemployed, especially if their partners working. I would imagine it must be lonely for him too,
Please don't think I'm saying he is guilty, but just think if it's possible?
Either way, you Must attend. Get your mum to take the kids, get your hair and makeup done, maybe mum can help?Get a really nice outfit, charity shops have some really expensive stuff going cheap, or get a new outfit, I know you have debts but you must look and feel good about yourself. Tell nobody what you will be wearing, tell partner you are going, no discussion and pay for both your meals. It's time to take control of the relationship and work as a team. Have fun, observe and either way I would ghost that sil. Good luck!

CheshireGirl38 · 27/01/2020 19:53

Maybe OH's family are just incredibly insular

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 27/01/2020 19:55

We only have 1 call centre in our town, which he did try but think he was turned down because of previous convictions.
He doesn't get past the application stage for Tesco, Asda and Aldi which then say you need to wait 6 months before applying. Most admin positions you need experience for.
Like I said he had already spoken to various agencies about warehouse work but they need him to be available for more than 1 day a week. We cannot afford the childcare nor can we afford for me to leave my permanent job for a contract that is 'as and when'
I myself have taken on some cleaning shifts within the resturant and applied for any other work going but imo it's hard to get noticed. I've only been in work for 4 months. I'm hoping some kitchen training will make a good improvement on my CV.

OH has years of warehouse work, some retail work about 7 years ago and most recent is bar work

OP posts:
di2004 · 27/01/2020 19:55

I’m with Tubs11 on this. You sound lovely and I think it’s awful that you’re being ignored almost by him and his family. It’s just not on.
Join some mum groups or do something that can get you out of the house, even for an hour or two. Thinking of you and hope you’re okay x

Original poster
ByeFeliciaa · 27/01/2020 19:58

@mayjay16 no he is certainly not into his brothers girlfriend Hmm he doesn't like her as he thinks she is lazy, takes FIL for a mug. She is younger than us so maybe it's just a case of them clashing. If he was to attempt to sleep with his BROTHERS girlfriend he would get beaten to a pulp by the other brothers. Absolutely no way on gods green earth would that happen

OP posts:
mayjay16 · 27/01/2020 20:01

OK hope I didn't offend, it wasn't my intention.

Mummadeeze · 27/01/2020 20:10

Sorry to hear you get left out by your partner and he doesn’t care about your feelings. I don’t think that is nice. I am also sorry you don’t have any friends. That sounds so lonely. And also that your work situation is so tough. You really sound like you are going through a hard time in general. I hope your children bring you pleasure. I know it sounds really weird and airy fairy but when everything was really rubbish in my life I started asking the universe for help and really believing in the law of attraction and somehow it did help and things really improved. I don’t know how it works but it does seem to. Google it and keep an open mind. It is a bit like praying but not based on religion. Best of luck with everything.