To think it is weird that I don't get invited anywhere with my OH

[ByeFeliciaa]

My OH has a brother who is about to turn 30, they've arranged a meal for him. I've had to rearrange my work shifts so that OH can go.
He doesn't think it's weird that I haven't been invited? I've been in his brothers life for over 4 years now.
Maybe I'm just a bit put out that I'm losing a days wage so facilitate him being able to and having to sit at home with my children!
Similarly he was invited to a night out but couldn't go because I was working, I wasn't invited.
We spent NYE apart as he was invited out and I wasn't.

I KNOW we have a life apart but it would be nice to get dolled up and go out and have fun TOGETHER, both free of "mum and dad" duties but maybe aibu?

I’m so sorry your husband is being a dick. It’s great you are looking for all sorts of jobs. Keep trying. It’s tough and sometimes soul destroying but it will make you stronger to persist. You can at least get stable hours and probably you can get a little more money too. Care homes, grocery stores, receptionists...how about bank teller? Sometimes you can get qualified on the job. Here are some ideas: childcarecareersscotland.scot/
www.apprenticeships.scot/
www.skillsdevelopmentscotland.co.uk/what-we-do/skills-planning/skills4-0/
www.scotland.org/work/career-opportunities

And here are some jobs both of you can try for: www.reed.co.uk/jobs/jobs-in-scotland

Is there any social service organisation that can help you get skills or find a job with potential?

I suspect your husband may be behind the lack of invites. Maybe he wants to pretend he is a free single man.

I think you need to find a counsellor. ASAP. You need to figure whether you can make your relationship stronger and how to stand up to his gaslighting. Maybe you all would be better off as friends. Maybe the marriage can be saved. But not enjoying each other and not standing up for you is not ok. Also maybe they could help you figure out the finances.

Then see if you can join some playgroups and meet other moms. There are probably Facebook groups in your area that facilitate this. When you have young children it’s relatively easy to make mom friends. I would also say join groups that do things that interest you, like sports or a book club, but with three tinies that will be tough. Still, it can be a goal.

I’m sending you a big hug 🤗 and here are some 💐. Good luck! DM me if you ever need an ear or a cheerleader. Don’t give up! Life really gets easier as you get older. Twenties are tough. By your fifties you don’t have many f’s left and most things will roll right off your back. But do keep on the career road. More money and less debt will help everything. Be an example for your husband. XX 😘

My OH has on lads night outs, beer festivals every year, rugby days out, I think I have been to his Christmas dinner with hus work employees twice and we always struggle with babysitters, half the time it is easier he dies go on his own, I get to watch what I want, no need to drive and I dint drink either.. but we don’t get holidays as he goes out more often than I do!! I go to events in my own now, friends are either unable to get babysitters their partners go out, I think mid yge events I am invited to do not warrant a babysitter. Also he always jumps as to say you said you didn’t want to go anyway😄

".......but think he was turned fown because of previous convictions."

Convictions for what ?

Op aside from the issue with your OH and his family which sound completely bonkers I hope things start to look up for you soon. It sounds like your trying hard. How about if DH is at home anyway doing a qualification in something to improve his CV or yourself doing an online course? I know with young kids and working odd shifts it's hard.
I've also had sleep deprivation that resulted in terrible depression so believe me I know is how hard it can be.
I wish you well and for what it's worth I think you deserve much better.

It’s downright disrespectful tbh and so is your partner for trying to make you feel like you’re picking up on something that isn’t there. Family meals mean just that and the fact that they don’t invite you must mean they don’t consider you to be. Which is unacceptable. I would not stand for this, I would tackle it head on of it were me. But it’s not so you have to go about it however you feel comfortable. It’s covert manipulation in a way or abuse. Can’t put my finger on it, but you have children together for goodness sakes.

I haven't read the whole thread but o suspect there's more to this and I suspect your husband is behind it.

If you're friends with the brothers girlfriend just ask her: I'm never invited to any family related get togethers, is there a reason for this?

I will put money on it she says you are invited and you never go.... that tells you your OH is behind this.

YANBU he is and he bloody knows it, the question is, why are you tolerating this behaviour and do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

Is it possible for you really tighten your belts for a couple months to pay for your oh to get the fork lift licence? Having that skill would open up so much work for him and will bring you guys in a shed load of money weekly

You didn't mention the 'previous convictions' before. That's probably quite a bit to do with not being able to find work.

He's sounding less and less attractive with each passing moment...

He doesn’t speak to his brother but he’s going to go out with him for his birthday? Are you sure that’s where he intends to go? It all sounds a bit suspicious to me. I wonder whether he’s using it as a cover for something, especially given his attitude about you having ‘separate lives’. Something has to be going on. It all sounds very fishy to me.

OP. I think it’s sad and unkind that you’ve not been invited but maybe it’s time to ask some questions and get to the bottom of why this is happening?

I have no idea why people on MN feel the need to question and criticise and judge you. Many people clearly have no understanding or empathy for people who live a different life to them. Many people are struggling to find work and with children, benefit changes etc it’s more challenging for many people than ever before. I’m sorry life is tough but hopefully things will change with some more work and when the children get their free hours at 3 and go to school after that, you may find things look up. Good luck

OP, I just want to give you some

I’ve had a non-sleeper and it’s a killer for your MH.

It’s great you have a job. It doesn’t matter if it’s a bit unreliable, it’s a start and you can build from it.

I think you should forget about OH’s family. They are rude, weird, and they are sapping your energy. Focus on you, and what you want. Try and start making some new friends and find some time just for you.

The guy has openly told people that you live ‘separate lives’? Jesus. Was he leading a separate life when he got you pregnant three times, or was he happy enough to do that? He sees you as just a girlfriend, there’s no commitment here (having a kid isn’t commitment to the other parent), he’s happy enough for you to slog away in a gruelling unappreciated exhausting job and pay off the debts without the legal security of marriage and being each other’s actual family? Nah. Throw the whole man away. His relatives are irrelevant, tell that woman to shut up when she’s text harassing you updates about her kid every hour, literally no one on earth is that interested in anyone’s kid. ‘Leighleigh had a shite today! So blessed!....why haven’t you replied?!..Felicia!! Give me validation!!’ just reply hours later (mute her spam) ‘k.’ ‘{thumbs up} emoji’
Stop giving these people your energy, he’s just a boyfriend, his relatives couldn’t be clearer about how not interested they are, aim for higher standards of people to let into your life and focus on your own mental health, and rest.

Mmm - sure you aren’t invited but he’s not passing on that invite to you?? Like NYE, if you want to be with him and he with you I can’t imagine ANY friend saying, sorry your missus isn’t invited out with us all...

Funny how YOU can find work/shifts but he's full of excuses.....why doesn't he do the cleaning at the restaurant?
How did he manage to get jobs previously if his convictions are the issue?
He is living the easy life at your expense - and him and his family are blatantly taking the piss out of you.

@ByeFeliciaa you asked if your situation is weird ost people have said yes
You've added extra detail and people have pointed out that is why it's odd
You've responded with he isn't like that
He's nice
I can't cope
We've offered advice and perspective
You've responded it's all tickety boo
So why ask us if you aren't willing to take in what people are suggesting

Bit weird. Are you sure your oh didn't say he wanted an excuse to be on his own away from u and kids to his bro and his bro facilitated it as he was scared you'd say no ? Entirely possible....family life is draining...families are also weird at times
....

Oh dear just seeing that he may possibly have convictions .... run for the hills if you have any sense he is a manipulator by the sounds of it...tickety boo it is not if he is living off your hard work ltb...

@Didkdt because I know he isn't some free loading cock lodger, whose after his fucking SIL. It's a joke how everything gets twisted.

@CustomerCervixDepartment I'm not sure where I said he tells people that? Again that's MN adding fingers and toes onto what I'm saying 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

A lot of responses are unhelpful here tbh. What I can see from the info you have relayed is that your SIL is quite a bit younger than you and this suggests to me she hasn’t developed a lot of diplomacy for certain situations and the amount of messages she sends you I think she may be feeling isolated too. This party hasn’t been thought out too clearly. Even if invited I wouldn’t bother going.

Guys don’t often keep up contact with family the way we might. Especially if the parents are divorced there will be an odd dynamic. I think that maybe he is embarrassed by his family a bit and is trying to spare you. Albeit in a round about way.

This stage of childhood isn’t easy and lack of sleep makes it worse. It will change, this stage doesn’t last forever, I promise. Juggling work, kids and OH isn’t easy with the constant worry about money (first hand experience). Also, my mental health wasn’t good after my second (DS is 4 now and I’m (quite happily) accepting help).

You are doing well to even get out of bed some days, I know. You need to confide in someone - your mum possibly? And you need to see your doctor, you don’t have to feel like this every day especially when help is there for your mental health. Dealing with my anxiety and depression first has helped me over all areas of my life and my kids are better for it (and happier). Six months ago I had the strength to deal with my relationship with my DH, who never wanted to do anything with us (out of sheer laziness) and having tried for years with him (his relationship with his parents is terrible, although I love them).

Balancing jobs and kids isn’t easy, parenting isn’t easy and having a partner isn’t always easy but you are still together and both trying. You are both sacrificing different things and finding hard to get a break so you are obviously going to feel overwhelmed. It’s fine to have separate social lives but I would suggest you find some common ground with OH, even out walking with the kids before tea time, together.

You do need a focus or hobby to ‘escape’ to every now and again (I’ve still to find one lol).

Finally, don’t take nonsense - if you want a little time for the two of you then carve it out. Don’t let anyone treat you harshly though. But please, seek help for your depression, it will help make life better.

Ps. Sorry for the long post.

Re: the jobs - the experience doesn’t need to be a full year, or three years, or whatever they are asking for (driving licences, qualifications etc no you can’t easily fudge that, but experience is much more flexible).

If you apply with six months of recent restaurant experience, and nobody else applies (or they are less employable for some other reason), they’ll often still interview you. It’s not like you’ve got zero experience. Just apply anyway, you don’t lose anything by applying.

Very weird, dump him!

Is he taking someone else along? Sorry that's all I can think of. You need to sort this with him.

Yes of course he is taking somebody else 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️