To never tell them their birth order?

[sunshinepoppy]

I have twin boys who were born by c-section. Over the years I have seen interviews with adult twins where they set great store by their birth order. E.g saying one should know better because they are elder by 5 mins. This type of dynamic seems odd and unhelpful.

For this reason we have decided not to tell the boys their birth order. I am now starting to doubt this decision because I am not sure it is my right to keep the information from them.

They are only 6 months old so we have not told them anything yet.
I would appreciate seeing people’s opinions about this. Especially opinion from someone who has a twin.

My friends are twins born by c-section and they have no idea who was born first. They were tangled up in there and the doctor had to pull one out and then put them back in to untangle them

Sure they did

Twins in England have times on birth certificates!
My first born twin is the middle child, the second born is the youngest. They both have very stereotypical characteristics of their birth order. They are teenagers now and I have never once heard them or anyone else make any negative comment or inference about their birth order.
It is odd not to tell a child such a fundamental fact about their life.

YABU and by keeping it a secret you will just make it a much bigger issue than it otherwise would be

love the tangled cord c section fairy tale.
Think OP should use that one!
seriously over thinking and maybe there's much more anxiety over having twins going on here

"And where do they get this info because I didn't tell them the time they were born that's for sure!"

When I registered my children the register office had also had a notification from the hospital with the details of the birth including the time. I don't imagine the register office could take a person's word for it that they had a new baby, there would need to be some kind of evidence and some way to know if a child had not been registered at all.

You don't have to tell them. They will find out at some point but until then just don't even mention it. If they ask, just say 'i'll check' and then just say you haven't had the chance ....or you don't know where the birth certs are for now - ie bluff them for years!. If they are 10 or 15 by the time they find out, it will be ridiculous for them or anyone else to start assigning roles. It's not like you have some hereditary peerage to bestow I take it. In which case, it is a non issue.

I agree with those saying by not telling it's making it a big deal. Like it's some secret that does matter and does have an impact.

Please tell them how twins are conceived and that CS birth may have altered birth order etc.

My lovely male friend have never lived down the drunken comment he made to his identical twin brother about being conceived first - as he was born last.

He was most perplexed when I said "actually you were both conceived at the same time"

Twins in England have times on birth certificates!...My first born twin is the middle child, the second born is the youngest. They both have very stereotypical characteristics of their birth order.

Well you must have brought them up with a bias reflecting their birth order then as birth order characteristics are NOT biological. They are down to parental, family and societal behaviours and expectations towards the children. Your twins won't have birth order characteristics unless you created them. There is no biological mechanism that creates the birth order characteristics.

You could tell them you think they were both lifted out at the same time, you're not sure, you'd have to check, can't quite remember... ...

at least until they are old enough to seriously ask and want to know. In which case you shouldn't withhold it.

I don't have twins but I know some and TBH with one set, the first-born one does make a thing of being "older" and seems to like having a "younger sibling". The younger one does not like it as the older one uses it to be bossy. So it can happen. However it may be down to the parents for emphasising the birth order as much as anything.
Also many twins would love it (being an "older" or a "younger". Basically nobody has a crystal ball over how these things will pan out But I think you are right to consider it. Maybe be vague whilst they are still young and impressionable in terms of being "older" or "younger" and when they are well used to being "equal borns/simulataneous borns" (as it were) then tell them, when any great importance for "older and younger" has passed. It'll just be a point of fact.

If they ask, just say 'i'll check' and then just say you haven't had the chance ....or you don't know where the birth certs are for now

Really? I would expect the parents to know without checking the paperwork!

My sister purposely gave her first born twin the name with the initial that came second in the alphabet to the other name

So you aren’t the only one to consider these issues OP.

I think perhaps, reading between the lines, you have an issue with your MIL not with the birth order of your twins.

Maybe don't tell family but just tell the twins when they're say 4 or 5 - or whenever they ask.

That way, your MIL doesn't get to give them her old fashioned ideas of what each one should 'be' like, based on what she will probably perceive as their 'difference in age'.

I bet if you had a different MIL this wouldn't even be on your radar.

My twin girls are 6 and they know which one is the oldest, it's only by 6 minutes, and it doesn't make any difference to how I treat them at all. It rarely comes up unless someone asks them who is the oldest. I really don't think telling them is going to alter the way you parent them to be honest 😊

Also even if they don’t know that they’ll find other things to Lord over each other

If it’s not time or birth order then it’s height, maths test scores, who can run the fastest...

I know a couple who have twinboys. The eldest will inherit a title, so they do need to know who was born first in this case.
It’s unfortunate they are both boys as it seems unfair the second born twin won’t get the title. If they had been boy/girl twins it wouldn’t have mattered so much as the title can only be inherited by a boy.

It’s a minor point, but C section doesn’t alter the birth order for twins. In a C section the cut is made very low down in the uterus; whichever twin is presenting first will be lifted out first.
OP, I can kind of understand your reasoning, but I think you’re wrong. This information is part of their story - it’s not yours to withhold. I would steer away from using the terms ‘older’ and ‘younger’, though - ‘born first’ and ‘born second’ would seem more appropriate.

They’ll know anyway from their birth certificates. I tell mine that they’re identical so we’re conceived at exactly the same time so they are exactly the same age, who came out first really doesn’t matter. Also gave twin 2 a name earlier in the alphabet deliberately so he’s always been first on school registers etc. Don’t make such an issue out of it by not telling them, if they ask be honest.

I am a twin. I seem to be in the unlucky minority. My Dsis was born first and she shut down every argument, disagreement or my opinion/thoughts/feelings on a subject with a "I am the oldest."

I am not saying it ruined my childhood but it did have a big impact. Even now I hear my voice tail off when she interupts me talking. I am a capable, decision making adult, but when she speaks, I feel myself shrink and fade into a mute shadow of me.
I am working on myself to not just go along with whatever she decides [grins]

Gosh, 3 pounds heavier. That's such a big difference

I have twins born vaginally, the doctor said that if I'd had a C section then the birth order would have been reverse. I have no idea if that's true or not, but it makes me think there is no significance in the birth order. My twins do get asked a lot who was born first, but it doesn't bother them. I think it's just one of those idle questions people ask.

I have twins and no one has ever made any comments about the older (by 1 minute, c-section) one knowing better etc. Except maybe me, as a joke.

They can be competitive, even about stuff they can't control, like who is tallest, but it's all done in good spirits.

Children love to hear their birth stories. Mine could all tell you a potted version of their birth because it's a special story I've shared with each of them. It adds to their sense of self and identity. I honestly cannot understand why you wouldn't want to honestly discuss how they were born when the time comes. Our dc love to hear about our emotions as we laid eyes on them, what we said to the midwives, what they said to us and how we came to name them. All of those conversations will be difficult if you're trying to hide their birth order with them.

It’s a question they will be asked often, make their lives easier by just telling them.
I’ve never heard anyone think an older twin should know better?

I know lots of twins, there are 3 sets in my husband’s family, they all know who is “older”. They are all normal people not scarred or in emotional turmoil over who entered the world first. They usually make a joke on their birthdays over who is the “old one”. It’d be a little odd saying to your children sorry I don’t want to reveal who is older, they’ll probably assume you found them somewhere and aren’t actually their mother.

I think you are being rather silly!

Dont make it a thing when it isnt.

Surely it’s what you do with that information which will influence how they are about it.

E.G. if you treat one as the “eldest” etc etc then it just reinforces the stereotype.