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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never tell them their birth order?

566 replies

sunshinepoppy · 26/01/2020 15:20

I have twin boys who were born by c-section. Over the years I have seen interviews with adult twins where they set great store by their birth order. E.g saying one should know better because they are elder by 5 mins. This type of dynamic seems odd and unhelpful.

For this reason we have decided not to tell the boys their birth order. I am now starting to doubt this decision because I am not sure it is my right to keep the information from them.

They are only 6 months old so we have not told them anything yet.
I would appreciate seeing people’s opinions about this. Especially opinion from someone who has a twin.

OP posts:
Zeusthemoose · 27/01/2020 20:11

Rumboogie
Really?One twin was 'shocked' at being pulled out of womb 2 mins later by c section? I find it a bit bizarre tbh but I'm not a twin or have twins so admittedly I don't have any experience. Really surprised in the grand scheme of things it would matter to anyone.

sundaymorningnothingness · 27/01/2020 20:12

YABU and a bit crazy if you have actually spent time thinking about this.

It's part of what makes them unique and 2 individuals. Don't take that away.

I have two sons by ivf, 18 months apart but 2nd was frozen as an embryo. You could say they are the same age in a way. I'll even tell them about that when they are older!

VJM123 · 27/01/2020 20:24

My twins are now 10.... never occurred to me not to tell them who was oldest. It’s one of the first questions other kids ask them. Also btw usually you can tell if vaginal or c-section based on how many minutes apart they are born. My boys 12 mins apart = vaginal my sisters twins 2 mins apart - c-section. Unless of course like my friend who had t1 vaginally amd t2 by c-section .... ouch!

ClappyFlappy · 27/01/2020 20:24

I read those pages again @sunshinepoppy and nope still really not seeing this “big impact”. Unless your definition of a “big impact” is very different to mine.

Siblings will always find a way to snark at each other. If it’s not who’s oldest it will be something else.

Patsyanna · 27/01/2020 20:25

I would definitely tell them, they will ask one day anyway. I have triplets and I told them as soon as they were able to understand. I would have wanted to know had I been in a multiple birth.

Twins140119 · 27/01/2020 20:29

I am mum to twin boys who have just turned 1! Twin 1 born 15 minutes before twin 2! For their birthday we got them brother cards for each other (others may think this is silly) but twin received a little brother card and twin 1 received big brother birthday card.

I think it is important to recognise that your twins are two individual people and are of course older by even a minute or so.

😊what does it matter if people say silly things about you should know better you are older take it with a pinch of salt! 😊

azigazigah · 27/01/2020 20:29

I always thought their time of birth was on their birth certificate with twins?

The twins I know use it as friendly banter between them and nothing more.

Designerenvy · 27/01/2020 20:33

I'd tell them . It's their information and their right to know. If you keep it from them you're making a big deal of it tbh .
It will be in their birth carts and I'm sure it'll be a good source of banter between them in the future.
No body really expects a baby born 5 mins earlier than the other " to know better" or be more mature etc .....that's just nonsence!

MissSmiley · 27/01/2020 20:35

My non id twin boys (12) don't know who is older, we took advice from some friends who had teenage twins, it worked for them
They'll fine out when they need to see their birth certificates
Incidentally my oldest four all took (and passed) the 11+ none of them know the actual scores only that they passed, I kept that secret, same as the birth order, yet another reason to tease each other
They haven't worked out yet that the younger twin's name is first on the alphabet so that he always got read out first on the register

Twins140119 · 27/01/2020 20:37

Why are you keeping secrets from your children????!!!!

Bna0505 · 27/01/2020 20:42

Hi OP, I too have twin boys (now 5yo). They were delivered by caesarean and are 2 mins apart. They have been told who was born first as amazingly people, mostly strangers always ask as if it explains why one is taller than the other!! The boys occasionally argue about who is older and who is younger as younger gets to roll the dice first in most board games. It’s not a major issue with them and I personally don’t think my boys will have a hang up about it. If it ever becomes an issue I can always point out that it was pot luck who was picked up by the surgeon first so hardly means anything. Good luck with the years to come. It’s great being a twin mum.

FelicisNox · 27/01/2020 20:43

YABU purely because you're putting too much store in this, no one really cares it's just a bit of fun sibling rivalry.

Rumboogie · 27/01/2020 20:43

@Zeusthemoose

@Rumboogie
Really?One twin was 'shocked' at being pulled out of womb 2 mins later by c section? I find it a bit bizarre tbh but I'm not a twin or have twins so admittedly I don't have any experience. Really surprised in the grand scheme of things it would matter to anyone.

So was I. DC had apparently gone through his childhood assuming he was the older (read senior) as he is taller. There are reasons why this may have mattered to him though, and would have been a great deal more important when he was a child. So it was right, as it turned out, that we made little of their birth order as children.

lexbm · 27/01/2020 20:43

I have twins and also worried about them making a big deal of their birth order, so we didn't tell anyone who was born first. After 7 years of saying that we didn't want to say, we realised that we were making a much bigger deal of it by not saying anything, and rumours were swirling about who it was. So we told them and made sure that they knew that it didn't matter. I think big secrets are a mistake. Birth order is no biggy, just reinforce that message.

Pieinthesky11 · 27/01/2020 20:47

of all the hills to die on

Carriecakes80 · 27/01/2020 20:49

Think you are making this something that it really doesn't have to be! I have four kids, none of them argue over who the eldest/ youngest/ gingerist one is, and if I did have twins and I heard this 'argument' I would sit them down, say right, you (to the older one) are apparently five minutes smarter, and you (to the younger) are going to live five minutes longer! Now hush your gums and get on with it!
I don't believe in keeping anything from your kids, its how you deal with problems and little niggly things like this that teaches your kids how to deal, hiding things and facts from them does diddly squat!

MacBlank · 27/01/2020 21:00

@sunshinepoppy
Never knew that

Mind I've never been that close to a pair of twins either!

Never came up in chat either when I worked at the passport office helpline.... I was always chatting especially as some found it quite stressful... And I'm sure I'd have asked how they remembered who was first. Plus wasn't.part of the training.

So next time someone is mistaken, or just genuinely has the wrong info, inform them, don't have a go. Some people can be sensitive.... I don't give a shit.

Ginger1982 · 27/01/2020 21:03

I met twins once who took the view that the twin born second was the oldest because he was inside longer 🤔

StateofConfusion · 27/01/2020 21:08

Siblings will always have this kind of rivalry. Dont over think it.

WatchingFriendsOnRepeat · 27/01/2020 21:08

I know loads of twins (my ex was a twin, his mum was a twin and of her 6 siblings, there were 2 more sets of twins other than her set - yes, her poor mother - I know 5 sets of twins within my friendship group and about 4 of my friends have had twins themselves) and it is only ever mentioned in a harmless teasing/banter kind of way... not sure what the problem is other than you really, really over thinking it or living in a parallel universe where there is zero humour. Also, what interviews have you watched?! I’ve never heard of this even being an issue, let alone loads of interviews being about it...

WatchingFriendsOnRepeat · 27/01/2020 21:13

To say “you should know better because you are older” - really? You think anyone in your family would say this seriously and mean it?! My 4yr old has loads of friends at school and some are nearly a year older, some only a week older... I never think they should know better because they are older... they’re 4!!!!
Is this a real thread? Or are you actually bonkers?!?!

ButterPie1 · 27/01/2020 21:24

I'm a twin and I don't understand this 😂😂😂

Shopkinsdoll · 27/01/2020 21:29

That’s weird! I’m a twin and Iv always known I was 15 min younger. Why would you even think about not saying.

thirdwheel · 27/01/2020 22:13

I'm a twin. We always knew, and might have teased each other but never took it seriously. He made a speech at my wedding and said, first born, first married.

SuperSue77 · 27/01/2020 22:18

Not RTFT yet but I have a singleton and twins and have just checked their borth certificates, all born in England. The Singleton doesn’t have a time on hers but the twins do. I couldn’t have hid who was the older from mine as they were born either side of midnight and so have different dates of birth.
Mine were 25 mins apart and the younger one does complain about being the youngest at times (they are 7 currently) but he probably gets treated as the younger more because he is less mature. His twin sister is sometimes mistaken for an older sibling (by more than 25 mins that is!)

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