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Original poster

To never tell them their birth order?

566 replies

sunshinepoppy · 26/01/2020 15:20

I have twin boys who were born by c-section. Over the years I have seen interviews with adult twins where they set great store by their birth order. E.g saying one should know better because they are elder by 5 mins. This type of dynamic seems odd and unhelpful.

For this reason we have decided not to tell the boys their birth order. I am now starting to doubt this decision because I am not sure it is my right to keep the information from them.

They are only 6 months old so we have not told them anything yet.
I would appreciate seeing people’s opinions about this. Especially opinion from someone who has a twin.

OP posts:
OrchidJewel · 26/01/2020 20:18

My sister has twin boys and they know their times, no issues, it's on the birth cert anyway. A pal has twin girls and such secrecy, it's ridiculous, even the girls don't know which just causes a lot of why weirdness

Didiplanthis · 26/01/2020 20:22

My twins were 3 minutes apart by csection. They wanted to know and it was important to them. They dont actually care about the order, they just wanted to know what it was. If they werent twins one would be older anyway. We've never had the 'older is boss or better' issue and they are 8. It helps in some ways as the 'younger' one is bigger and stronger despite being identical. It helps them feel grounded and helps their individual identity as 2 siblings rather than 'the twins' which we have always worked hard to maintain.

Housechaos · 26/01/2020 20:33

I have two sets of twins- knowing their birth order is a right of passage in their little worlds. They love comparing notes.

sweetkitty · 26/01/2020 20:34

Are they called Esau and Jacob by any chance? Biblical story of the two of them being born and Jacob coming out holding onto Esau’s foot. The Jacob tricking his elderly father into believing he was his brother so he would inherit the lands etc. I think the meaning of Jacob is supplanter one who takes the place of another.

I have 4DC one born in England and 3 in Scotland I must go and compare birth certificates.

user133367 · 26/01/2020 20:40

I think you are wise! Multiples DO seem obsessed by this, and in childhood, they really don't grasp the irrelevance of being born first and I do think knowledge causes unnecessary power play. I'd maybe not keep it secret forever but certainly while they are small and irrationality competitive as children tend to be. You don't need to be serious about it. Tell them they are special because they came out together until they are old enough to realise that can't be true!

lotusbell · 26/01/2020 20:44

I think this is completely ridiculous! Tell them, it's their right! You think it's an odd and unhelpful dynamic? Really? I'm pretty sure no twins use this as a serious measure of anything! All twins I know use it as a joke, let them have fun with it, it's a twin thing!

Limensoda · 26/01/2020 20:51

But that just makes it look like you don't remember or care

If I had twins....I wouldn't care who was born first.
If I didn't remember which was born first, I wouldn't expect them to care. In fact I'd be pretty surprised if I hadn't mixed them up if they were identical. Grin

Likethebattle · 26/01/2020 20:57

My time of birth is on my birth certificate (born in Scotland) 15:17. My mum was given so many drugs she couldn’t have told you
if she had a baby or a puppy!

Tighnabruaich · 26/01/2020 20:57

I have never seen a time on a birth certificate. British birth certificates certainly do not have the time on them.

YES, THEY DO!!!
(sorry for shouting, but people aren't reading the thread. I have a British birth certificate. It has my time of birth on it. I was born in Britain. In Scotland. All Scottish birth certificates have the time on them.

BlueSkies2020 · 26/01/2020 21:00

My friend has decided the same for her twins. No one knows who arrived first. I was a bit confused to start with, but having thought about the consequences, I think there are more potentially harmful issues which outweighs any banter benefits. So why not reduce the risk.

Thinking about twins I know, the elder is the more traditionally successful. I wonder if that has anything to do with being treated differently as the older twin and feeling more self assured and ambitious as a result?

A wise decision by the OP and my friend I think!

Sindragosan · 26/01/2020 21:03

Time is only on birth certificates for multiples, not single births. Several people investigating family trees have discovered sole surviving twins based on times on birth certificates, back when infant death wasn't discussed.

Likethebattle · 26/01/2020 21:07

@Tighnabruaich thank you I thought I was losing it and actually went through my filing cabinet to check. Yep time is on there, single birth, born in Scotland. In every family with more than one child one will be older!

Likethebattle · 26/01/2020 21:09

TIME IS ON SCOTTISH BIRTH CERTIFICATES FFS!

UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre · 26/01/2020 21:11

I’m a twin and I don’t think it’s ever ever mattered

Quizeerascal · 26/01/2020 21:19

I'm a twin, second born by two minutes but heavier and louder Grin It comes up occasionally and always has done but its banter!

freelancedolly · 26/01/2020 21:24

I have twins. My ex husband wanted to do this with our twins. I thought it was insane. We have told them. I think it's hugely insulting to them as people to think that they will be defined by something as inconsequential.

As it happens, my first born twin is smaller than her sister, who is quite a bit taller. So whilst she may win the "first born" prize, she doesn't win in the height stakes. Or the sportiness stakes.

They are far more than what order they were born in. I think you should tell them, it's really patronising not to.

thehorseandhisboy · 26/01/2020 21:25

I'm a twin, born 10 minutes after my sister. She is taller than me and her initial comes first in the alphabet.

In all honesty, although we argued about everything, that wasn't one of the things.

But, yes, it's usually the first question people ask.

What had a much bigger negative effect on me was the fact that she has a long, unusual name and I have a short name that is always one of the first mentioned on those 'what names will never come back into fashion' threads.

I would wait until they ask and then tell then casually, saying that it could have been either of them born first. And repeat ad infinitum if ILs try to make it into a thing.

Making an issue of not telling them when you know that they'll find out eventually, is a weird sort of keeping secrets, which I wouldn't be comfortable about.

I don't think it's the facts that have the potential to cause difficulties, it's how they're interpreted and you have some influence over that for many years to come.

thrree · 26/01/2020 21:28

It will come up in conversation one day, just be honest with them then. I don't think you need to make it an issue.

blue25 · 26/01/2020 21:30

Oh Lordy. Who cares?

SayNoToCarrots · 26/01/2020 21:31

Calm down people who keep quoting me from ten posts in as if I've just said it and not acknowledged I was wrong. Also, I was not "forgetting Scotland was a part of Britain" , I just assumed you'd be the same as the rest of us considering you are on the same island.

dietcokeandwine · 26/01/2020 21:32

I'm married to a twin and we have various sets of twins amongst family and friends.

They all without exception know their birth order and they all without exception do not see birth order as anything other than factual information and they all without exception would never assume that the older twin should 'know better' or whatever.

But knowing birth order is like knowing who parents are IMO, it's a critical part of a child's history that they have a right to know. Parents do not have a right to keep this kind of information from their children and if parents attempt to play the secrecy game the chances are it will come back to bite them as they'll make it into a massive issue when it really isn't a massive issue.

VerbenaGirl · 26/01/2020 21:37

It feels like you are making something that isn’t a big deal into one. Siblings will always find something to lord over each other or bicker about, so this won’t prevent that. Plus if they ask when they are older, it seems a bit selfish not to tell them - as in a way, it’s their information.

itstrue · 26/01/2020 21:39

My twins know their birth order and it's never been a problem but I've also been able to say that had I not had a c section then the birth order would have been reversed.

People are dumb and do mention birth order around them. However as they get older it seems to happen less and less.

Redonion123 · 26/01/2020 21:39

Definitely tell them their birth order! Otherwise they won’t know who is the Big Brother or Big Sister. The example you give in the op is family banter, and is no different to siblings with year gaps. I can’t quite see why it is odd and unhelpful.

And I’m speaking from experience as a twin! And the younger one at that.

TheCakeCrusader · 26/01/2020 21:44

I have twin boys and they were born a minute apart ( C section) - They asked us about the differences in age gap when they were younger and we told them although it was never kept a secret or made a big deal of.

The ‘older’ child seems to like making a point that he’s the oldest on rate occasions if they’re having an argument about doing something first (!) but it’s never really made that much difference to them or us!