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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never tell them their birth order?

566 replies

sunshinepoppy · 26/01/2020 15:20

I have twin boys who were born by c-section. Over the years I have seen interviews with adult twins where they set great store by their birth order. E.g saying one should know better because they are elder by 5 mins. This type of dynamic seems odd and unhelpful.

For this reason we have decided not to tell the boys their birth order. I am now starting to doubt this decision because I am not sure it is my right to keep the information from them.

They are only 6 months old so we have not told them anything yet.
I would appreciate seeing people’s opinions about this. Especially opinion from someone who has a twin.

OP posts:
Jay1289 · 26/01/2020 19:47

With twins, they mention it in passing comments but they don’t really focus on it and even if you don’t tell them, they will find things to compete about anyway. Who is taller, who can run faster, who has more moles.... honestly it’s ridiculous so I don’t think it actually matters if they find out.

Theworldisfullofgs · 26/01/2020 19:47

Doyouavocado

How do you grow the fuck up, when you are 4?

You really have no clue.

MyView2 · 26/01/2020 19:48

YABU I have boy/girl twins, they are nine years old and get asked who is older all the time. They love that conversation topic 😂 It works out great as my daughter is older but my son is taller!

Whoops75 · 26/01/2020 19:49

YABU and a loon

bellinisurge · 26/01/2020 19:51

They have a right to know. You are making a big deal out of it. And it will become a big deal if you don't tell them.

Ohyesiam · 26/01/2020 19:52

Well you could easily tell them without doing all the unproductive “behave , you are five minutes older “ Surely?

TellerTuesday4EVA · 26/01/2020 19:54

I do understand your point of view OP but I do think not telling them makes it a bigger deal than it should be. All I will say is that as long as you treat them the same & ensure the treat each other equally it won't matter.

DH is a twin who was the 2nd born, BIL has from all accounts been the 'dominant twin' their whole lives & is definitely favoured by MIL, GranMIL etc. DH always says of course BIL was born first, he'd of pushed him out of the way to get out first!!

They haven't spoken for almost 6 years.

ButterflyBitch · 26/01/2020 19:54

As a twin who’s sibling is older than me (by a whole 6 mins) you’re bonkers! Apart from the odd “I’m older than you” jibe which I ignore, it’s never been a problem.

Thistimetomorrow · 26/01/2020 19:55

I’m a twin OP and can see where you’re coming from. The first question we’re asked by people is who is the oldest.
I think what’s most important is not to fixate on who was born first but to put it (if they ask) is - x was born at 9.28 and y 9.35.
Speaking from experience also be aware of placing them in ‘certain boxes’. I was born 2 minutes before my twin and was introduced as the boss, my twin as doing what I told her.
These rolls were played out over the years with me feeling responsible for her and her being subservient.
Our upbringing was pretty disfunctional so I can appreciate that I’m in the minority but I always said if I ever had twins I would treat them as individuals, dressing them differently and conscious not to project expectations of their roles.

Mlou32 · 26/01/2020 19:55

@sayingnotocarrots really? I was born in Britain (Scotland specifically) and my birth certificate has the time I was born - 15.41.

EugenesAxe · 26/01/2020 19:57

I’m actually laughing a little at the idea that if I gave birth to identical twins, whether it wouldn’t take me a bit of time to get to know which was which, and therefore mess up who was born first anyway 😆

If you have identical twins do you know which is which by instinct, or in reality do you keep their birth bracelets on for a while until little things develop about them that help you know?

squaresandsquares · 26/01/2020 19:58

They need to know their birth story it's part of their identity. I think it's very bizarre. What are you protecting them from

Mlou32 · 26/01/2020 20:00

Hmm I wrote my above reply before reading all of the other comments. I genuinely had no idea that other countries within the UK didn't record time on birth certificates.

MotorwayDiva · 26/01/2020 20:02

Maybe off topic, but I always wondered with identical twins, how can you be absolutely sure which is which, especially when they are tiny and and you are sleep deprived....

potbellend · 26/01/2020 20:04

Honestly it's bloody ridiculous. I wouldn't tell them either, they were born seconds apart. They are borrowers not rivals.

YANBU

EugenesAxe · 26/01/2020 20:04

@MotorwayDiva 😂 glad I’m not the only one - that’s a fairly coincidental cross post!

georgialondon · 26/01/2020 20:05

I massively doubt anyone else including the kids will care about this as much as you seem to. It's odd.

gospelsinger · 26/01/2020 20:05

YABU
Twins will find something to argue about. Not telling them their birth order will not stop this.
Everyone wants to know the time they were born. Surely they will want to know the story of their own birth.
I have twin nephews. They know who was born first, but I have forgotten.

Hovverry · 26/01/2020 20:08

Twins in our family were born 12 hours apart, on different dates.

villamariavintrapp · 26/01/2020 20:11

It's a joke. Siblings compete about all kinds of things, they don't have to be true. Even if they don't know which is older, at various times they'll probably both insist that they are the oldest and at other times they'll both insist that they're the youngest depending what the context/prize is. They'll also both say that they're the better looking, the faster, stronger, taller one, and your favourite! It's how siblings are.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/01/2020 20:11

I think you make an excellent point OP. Neither is really older, they could have come out either way around depending on where they happened to settle in utero.

Are they identical? In which case conceived as one. If non-id, you can't know which egg was conceived first.

You could go for a lifetime of saying you don't remember, as you were a bit out of it at the time!

No none-twin would ever care whether they were born five minutes earlier or later than they were. Unless it was either side of midnight. even then, not actually important unless 31st August, Christmas Day etc.

babychampam · 26/01/2020 20:13

I think you're making it a thing.

My twins know which one is older, I'm sure they'll both use it to their advantage as part of sibling banter when they're older. That's the joy of having a sibling!

Tbh your in laws sound like they'll find plenty of other things to annoy you with wether they know or not.

SummerPavillion · 26/01/2020 20:14

If your MIL is that bonkers, I'd go with the story upthread that one came out first and had to go back in, to untangle, then the other came out and stayed out then the first one came out again Grin Grin Grin

Though I fear she'll be equally as weird about something else. Shame because that "pretty one" "clever one" crap can scar people for life.

Mummaofmytribe · 26/01/2020 20:16

I think you're turning this into a big deal before you even know it will be. All twins get distinguished apart by something eg "the shy one, the outgoing one".
Plus all singletons know their birth order.
Perhaps don't stress so much. You'll have far bigger battles IME

lottiegarbanzo · 26/01/2020 20:17

Having now read all your posts OP, your ILs sound like fools. Typecasting any child is stupidity itself.

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