To think people just ‘settle’

[Bluesky209]

I have been single for two years and it’s been hard at times with my daughter, but I feel like over this period of time I have really got to know myself extremely well. I have battled suicidal post natal depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation and all the rest that comes with being a mum alone. I really do feel like I’ve developed a deep respect for myself for overcoming these things and I have learnt so much about what I need and want from life.
Following a conversation with a friend yesterday, I was saying I’m not sure I want to date anyone unless they benefit my life hugely, challenge and teach me as a person etc. In my mind a committed relationship is a huge and serious thing and something I wouldn’t enter in to now without meeting someone who really is on my wavelength, otherwise what’s the point?
My friend seems to think this signals commitment issues, but I disagree.
I see so many people who have many issues with their partners but just ignore them and carry on, all the while there could be someone much better suited to them. I love my friend, but I found it hard to respect this opinion of hers because there are many many conflicts in her marriage, and not small ones either. I couldn’t help but feel that my quest for happiness ignited an insecurity in her - the fact that she knows she’s just settled?
It seems to me as though a lot of people do this, or I could be overly picky?

I have a good friend who's been single (no relationships or dates even) since before her son was born 16 years ago. I have so much respect for her. She's very grounded, has put her son first, worked hard and has a close relationship with her family. Other single mums I've known over the years have allowed their children to get caught up in all the drama of their subsequent relationships which hasn't always been healthy for those children unfortunately.

I spent time being single after I left my marriage purposely single. I met dp during this period and refused to date him.

I was of the same mind. To be with someones they have to improve what I already have.

Dp does. I would rather be with him tha without him. He is amazing. We disagree sometimes and bicker. But so what. Disagree and bicker with my best friend.

For me, is my life better with or without dp. It's better. If we split, again, I would go back to being single. That would be fine.

I do think some people settle. My best friend has. She knows if she hadbt lost her dad at 15. Or had some support at that time, she wouldnt have gone out and purposely had a baby with her dickhead boyfriend. They are now married with 2 kids. For 10 years it was a pretty shot relationship that she just wouldn't give up. She knew she wasnt happy.

But actually, in the last 5. They have become incredibly happy. Both have grown up and both consider eachother more. Not only do they love eachother, they are incredibly close, respect eachother and seen to have a really strong bond.

Settling in the long term worked out for the

I think this is rare. Some people do settle. Some people arent settling then feel like they are.

But actually, I dont thi I anyones relationship stories makes them better than anyone else. choosing to be single isnt superior it's just different. And we are all just trying to find happiness it just means something g different to each of us. And even that can change. What makes you happy now, might not in 6 months.

I feel it’s especially so for couples who get together very young. You build your entire adult life together and to end it - even though you know you’ve outgrown each other and are just marking time - is seismic. It’s takes confidence to thrown a bomb into an unfulfilling but not particularly bad marriage.

I didn't meet 'the right one' until I decided I was happy on my own after a series of bad relationships and a final 'ghosting' experience. I got to a point I was allowing others to determine my happiness levels and I'd had ENOUGH as I was miserable and had no self-worth or self-confidence.

It took me taking time out from dating and deciding, as you have, that I'd only take myself off the market for someone special (as if you're wasting time with the wrong person that's time you could be missing the right one!). I'm now happily married with 2nd wee one on the way to someone who loves and respects me. We bicker from time to time as couples do but I can honestly say we communicate, are willing to adapt when needed, respect each other, share the finances, chores and support each other in a way I never imagined possible. We're not 'perfect' but we're perfect for each other as we balance. If I'd kept bouncing from waster to waster I'd not have taken stock and missed what was under my nose.

Take your time, be happy being single, rebuild yourself on your own so anyone you let in is because you want to not because you need to. I think you're being wholly sensible OP especially after a tough time.

I believe all of my friends have settled rather than be single. Their husbands too. We're all beyond the age where young children are involved.

I was in a very unpleasant marriage and got out. Had quite a few relationships since but am very happy being single and just dating. I'd never settle, although my ideal would be to have a permanent partner.

I never bring this up with my friends though - it's their business. But if any of them ever asked my opinion or advice the one thing I'd say is the one thing that convinced me. I imagined myself in my later years looking back at a life not fully lived; a half-life being vaguely happy, vaguely unhappy. I know that I would regret not having striven for happiness - whatever happiness might look like to me.

But everyone's different. Those who say they have settled, can you live with that prospect?

TL:DR YOLO

I think those of us who have had the grand passion, know that it is possible and can also accept that settling for less seems like cheating ourselves.
However as you grow older the need to reproduce gets removed and it comes down to do you like this person enough to want to see them more.

Sometimes good enough is good enough.

DH and I started dating just because we were familiar to each other and got along ok. From that has grown a deep and enduring 30 year love which I would have missed out on if I had not been in the "settling" frame of mind.

We have built our family on foundations of "like" and "contentment" rather than passion/challenge/wavelength and I bloody love it.

You wait for the one in a million, I'll stay settled for what we built.

So many women think any man is better than no man at all which I think is pretty sad as some of them have a miserable life because of it.

You've worked through everything and come out the other side knowing exactly what you want if you go into a new relationship which is great.

In the meantime, you might want to have a read on the Relationships Board of a thread entitled The Happy Singleton: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3789560-The-Happy-Singleton-All-welcome It doesn't mean being single forever, just that it's possible to be content until Mr Right appears in your life, however long that takes.

I don't think there's anything wrong with setting, as long as you settle for the right person.

You can wait all your life for the perfect man that never comes.

I don't think there's anything wrong with setting, as long as you settle for the right person.

If it's the right person it's not 'settling'.

If it's the right person it's not 'settling'.

Interesting.

Surely there's more than one person out there for everyone, though. What one person considers "settling" could be another persons happy ever after.

Everyone settles. Nobody has the perfect relationship. Everyone has something about their partner they would change given a chance.

I am happy, but that doesn't mean to say everything is perfect.

It's just about reaching a compromise between the good and the bad, and deciding whether perhaps someone else entirely would be a better compromise.

I think people do settle for something workable. Maybe they want to buy a house and they live in an expensive part of the country, or they want to have children.

It’s important to look at yourself too though. Are you desirable to the perfect man that you are looking for?

I settled subconsciously at the grand old age of 23.Ended my marriage at age 32 and met the man that was meant for me shortly after.We have now been together for 7 years,married for 3.5 with a 6 year old ds.Dont ever settle.

I think loads of people do - but I didn't think I was. I thought it was true love and the red flags that looking back I should have seen, were just quirks that I told myself weren't an issue. So in a way it doesn't matter if you settle or not - you still may or may not be with the right person anyway, IYSWIM.

It seems to be coming down to one's definition of 'settling'. I don't wish to speak for OP but my take [and the type of settling I was referring to] on what she was talking about was where people are in 'anyone rather than no one' relationships. Where they put up with crap because it's too difficult to get out for whatever reason.

Yes I would read settling as being with someone you don’t love.
Otherwise surely it’s not settling!

We all settle.

It’s just where is that line? I heard an economic argument that said, mathematically, after you’ve had 10 relationships (even small ones, or a long term date) - then statistically the best out of the last 10 is unlikely to be bettered in the future.

I didn't settle. Nor will I.

I totally agree with you OP

Also. I waited 7 years after my first marriage ended. 7 long years!

Because I didn’t want to settle as it were. I was determined to get it right.

Next relationship was with the most perfect man. Kind. Intelligent. Funny. We had so many common interests it was uncanny. He was even the same age. We were both looking for commitment. He was reliable. Responsible. He has an amazing job and not critical for me but he was a high earner too. He wasn’t the best looking ever but he was tall and I thought he was handsome and very attractive. He was fit and took care of himself. He lived in a kind of dream house too right where I wanted to live.

And to top it all he was really really into me. We had so much fun and shared values. He had come out of a long marriage and even his ex wife told me he was fantastic.

So I moved in and had a child with him and felt like we should all wait until Mr Right came along. I felt a bit smug at last after being in relationship wilderness for years. He was really good to me.

Then I found out he was a serial cheater!

The problem is that when you're young and seeking a life partner, you don't get to order one from a catalogue. You just get what you meet. I was single for years before I met DP, I had loads of action but I never met my soulmate and although DP is a lovely person, I still haven't. I'd probably be single all my life if I was only willing to get involved with a guy just like me. I'm unconvinced that person exists.

I was with you right up until the last sentence. I doubt very much if your quest for anything would ignite anything in her
Some people would rather be with anyone than be alone.
I love being on my own.
I'm not judging their choices.
I don't think you should either

I think people settle because the pressure from society that a relationship is the ultimate goal.

I’ve definitely settled. Definitely.