To think people just ‘settle’

[Bluesky209]

I have been single for two years and it’s been hard at times with my daughter, but I feel like over this period of time I have really got to know myself extremely well. I have battled suicidal post natal depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation and all the rest that comes with being a mum alone. I really do feel like I’ve developed a deep respect for myself for overcoming these things and I have learnt so much about what I need and want from life.
Following a conversation with a friend yesterday, I was saying I’m not sure I want to date anyone unless they benefit my life hugely, challenge and teach me as a person etc. In my mind a committed relationship is a huge and serious thing and something I wouldn’t enter in to now without meeting someone who really is on my wavelength, otherwise what’s the point?
My friend seems to think this signals commitment issues, but I disagree.
I see so many people who have many issues with their partners but just ignore them and carry on, all the while there could be someone much better suited to them. I love my friend, but I found it hard to respect this opinion of hers because there are many many conflicts in her marriage, and not small ones either. I couldn’t help but feel that my quest for happiness ignited an insecurity in her - the fact that she knows she’s just settled?
It seems to me as though a lot of people do this, or I could be overly picky?

Something people struggle to understand is that WHATEVER our choice, we 'settle'. OP, you have settled. You have settled for a life devoid of a certain type of companionship, maybe regular intimacy, a shared workload etc. But you seem very happy with your choices. Others who are in relationships may have these things but settle for other annoyances or grievances. There is no point at which people don't settle. It is what you settle for and how much you feel you have sacrificed/gained that determines whether your choices are good ones for you. It is similar to when people think about changing jobs or having children. They can easily picture their life with all the things they will lose but they can't picture as clearly what they will gain because the things they will lose are tangible whilst the things they will gain are perceived/not concrete yet. What I mean is that there is no point of balance where you are stepping from into a place of better or worse. You are at a place or point of your life that you are happy with but that doesn't mean you haven't settled IYSWIM

One of the wisest things I’ve read on MN for a long time.

Something people struggle to understand is that WHATEVER our choice, we 'settle'. OP, you have settled. You have settled for a life devoid of a certain type of companionship, maybe regular intimacy, a shared workload etc. But you seem very happy with your choices. Others who are in relationships may have these things but settle for other annoyances or grievances. There is no point at which people don't settle. It is what you settle for and how much you feel you have sacrificed/gained that determines whether your choices are good ones for you

I hate the word "settled" when used in this context.

Its like unless you are with someone and not constantly "challenging your relationship" or "improving it" it's to be looked down upon.

I learnt long ago that being in a long term relationship is nothing like it is in the women's mags or help books and a tick list can go out of the window very early on.

I was very happily single until my late 20s until I met DP. Never wanted kids and never wanted to marry. (and neither did he)

I wasn't looking for love or a relationship when we met and it did hit me like a thunderbolt as I never believed in a "soul mate" but oddly we found each other.

Am I "settled"? Well, yes I'm happy and "settled" after over 20 years later with him. If I hadn't met him I would liable to be still single and happy with that choice. If someone happened to him and I was left alone I'd be single again until I snuff it as I don't think I will ever find anyone like him again.

We just "meshed" and have many shared interests and loves which we share with each other but also know we both need head space and happily do our own thing. And god we make each other laugh until wee comes out

To me being settled with someone means we are both happy and content enough to be who we are instead of having to put up a "facade" to meet someones expectations, requirements or "tick boxes".

We aren't perfect but would I leave him over the 8% "meh" times? Nope!

Any "honeymoon period" will dry up and and what happens when the "challenges" and "teaching" that you are looking for run out? Will you leave them and find someone else who "challenges you" and "teaches you"? Because if so then you aren't looking for a partner, you are looking for a life coach.

Also this approach works both ways, what will you bring to the relationship or will the onus all be on them to meet all your needs without you meeting theirs?

You don't have to be with someone, my view was (and still is) if I meet someone then great! If I don't then also great!

Just be happy!!

I think you are absolutely right and doubly so when you have a child, you cant afford to just settle because your child's needs come first. Many children are unhappy with a parent's new partner, personally I think it isn't wise to even consider living with someone until your child is grown up but that's me.

Being single can be wonderful, there are so many possibilities to explore and you are free to explore them.

If,you are so sure in and of yourself, why are you wasting time making it about other people?

I think that most people want to share their lives with someone nice, especially if they want children. The problem is knowing whether the person you're with is truly nice or not. Many people just don't think deeply enough about who they're with and settle for superficial reasons. e.g. 'he's there', 'he likes me', 'I don't want to search for someone else who might be worse', 'i've already invested x years', etc. On the other hand, too many people will leave their partners at the first sign of trouble. A good relationship takes work, and no-one is perfect. I guess each person has to decide what is important to them.

I'm very lucky. My DH isn't perfect, but he scores highly on all the things that are really important to me. Many of my friends are single, and that's fine too.

I know what you mean OP.
I know plenty women who stay with men for the man's salary and pension.
They have a job themselves, but settle for someone with money. Kids come along and it's the woman's job that goes because the dh earns more.
Rather than a woman finding a man who will put her and the family first.
I know it's each to their own, but couldn't be in a relationship like this.

I agree with @damnthatanxiety. Everyone settles in one way or another, and while it’s monumentally irritating to be a single person feeling the coupled-up cluck with pity/anxiety about your status, it can also be quite irritating as a married person to have a militantly single friend/family member pontificating about relationships and not settling, as though they alone get to set the benchmark, and everyone else is just choosing sloppily.

Definitely, plenty of people do settle. I don't think I could do that either though. My last serious ex and I were very much on the same wavelength in many ways and I was devastated it had to come to an end. I am not certain I'll ever meet someone who is as good a match as or better than her in the future. That worries me but I think I'd rather be alone than with someone just so I have company.

Relationships are all a trade off. Are you young and beautiful OP? Because as a single mother you are unlikely to have the pick of the bunch unless you are. There will always be someone with less baggage available. If you are making ends meet with top up benefits then you are even less desirable - high earning men are the ones who have the pick of the bunch and they are unlikely to choose a single mother. Perhaps it’s a case of you finding the men who would be with you unattractive because you want a partner with money and status but unfortunately they don’t find you and your situation attractive - they won’t settle for you?

Forgot to add that I was at a domestic abuse support group last year and one of the women said the most sensible thing regarding this subject. She said she wanted to be happy in herself and content being just her and that as long as all else was good in her life she would view a new relationship as an added bonus - not as a necessity. I thought that is the right idea, smart woman :)

I think if you’ve gone through a crap relationship, split up and come out the other side, you’re more likely to not want to settle because you can see that being alone and comfortable with yourself and your own company trumps being in a crap relationship. Sometimes it’s the fear of the unknown, and fear of being alone, which leads to people staying in a relationship that no longer brings them happiness. I know if my current relationship broke down i would walk away because I know I’m pretty okay on my own.

I'd like to ask the people saying they've settled, why have you settled? Is it for company? Or other reasons?

It's not a binary, settling vs finding your soulmate. But there are plenty of people who go along with their lives, whether they are being treated badly or with someone who is not quite right, or with someone they used to love but now only care about, because it's easier than being alone. I miss the shared inner world of being a couple but I don't miss the realisation that this person didn't love me in quite the same way, and that something was going to always be missing with them

I was settling when I was married. I was deeply insecure when I got together with my then h, at a young age, and we got married young as a result.
We both became unhappy and it ended very badly-with a lot of heart ache for all involved.
I now have a DP and I'm kind of settling -but on my own terms- is the best way I can describe it-I won't get married again I don't think-and I know I would be ok on my own-but we are happy enough for now-the things we don't like about each other dont outnumber the things we do. I would miss him if he wasn't around and we have a good life together. It's not perfect but I think perfection in a relationship is incredibly rare realistically.

I’ve “settled” but that’s because if you keep doing the same things you get the same result.
I was perfectly happy single but the men I have viscerally loved have both resulted in failed relationships.
Also I do believe there is someone for everyone but there’s no point hanging on in case you meet them 20 years from now.

I’ve settled. I think some of my friends think I have too (though they’d never dream of saying it to my face)

I met DH when I was 28 and all my friends were in relationships/ settling down. I’d been single for 2 years after a string of disaster dating experiences with either people who I quite liked, who in the end turned out to just be players or people that liked me but I just wasn’t feeling it.

Then I met DH. He ticked a lot of my boxes but I wasn’t 100% sure. I liked him and was excited that I’d met someone but there were a few boxes I know he didn’t tick. However I decided to push on through and give him a chance and I am glad I did.

He is good looking, kind, has the best moral compass of anyone I know, is the most intelligent person that I know. He is also loyal, selfless in bed, successful and would do anything for anyone.

However, I love tall men, there’s just something about them. If a man is tall and good looking, I just go weak at the knees! At 5’11 DH isn’t exactly short but he’s never had that towering presence that gives me a kick in the groin

The main ‘thing’ that he was missing for me also was a loud, gregarious personality with lots of charisma. Previously all my partners had been life and soul of the party types, really good fun and could make people laugh, really easy to chat to etc.

DH is quiet, measured and more serious and although we do have a good chuckle at things, it’s rare he makes me (or anyone else) laugh so hard I could wet myself! He doesn’t have a lot of what I would call ‘charisma’ he would and does get overlooked at parties despite being good looking because unfortunately until you really know him, he can come across as quite serious and stuffy.

So, if DH was all that he is AND just a bit more ‘fun’ in terms of personality and tall in height, he’d be perfect. But I live with the ‘boxes he doesn’t tick’ because he ticks so many others and we do have a really nice life together. Some days I do feel bored and wish I’d married more of a gregarious go getter but the gregarious go getters that I had met previous to him were either arseholes or didn’t like me the same way I liked them. What was I to do? Hold out for someone that MAY have ticked the couple of boxes that DH didn’t?

We have a nice life and 90% of the time I’m happy, I have to believe that that’s enough for me and that the likelihood of there being ‘better’ out there is low.

I would settle to an extent. I don't really like being single, I prefer to be with someone.
But it's the extent that is the thing. For example, I'm nearly 50. I'm no longer bothered by things such as 'will he be a good father' That ship has sailed. I also don't care about his financial stability. I am self sufficient financially and will never get married or entangle my finances with anyone again. Any man my own age is also unlikely to be drop dead gorgeous or come without baggage, so I look beyond that too. I don't mind boring. I'm a bit boring too.

I wouldn't ignore any major personality defects though. I want him to be kind and considerate.

@BettyBooBooBoo
If you had read my thread properly you would see that at no point have I ever said I have interest in material things or status or looks. If I were at a point in life where I was attracted to a ‘high earning man’ because of his high earning status, I’d probably be a very empty individual.
I don’t earn a lot of money, but I do feel lucky that I’m one of the people in life who is happy with what I have and I don’t have a complex because I’m not rich or with a high status person. I have been through a lot emotionally and I think in those moments of utter despair, you find out what you really want from life.
Being beautiful, money, a high flyer, having a good looking partner are not things that drive my choices in life.
I am lucky enough to have learnt that at 26 years old.
My dad was a high flyer who earned 90K a year and had a beautiful wife but they weren’t compatible and he made a suicide attempt because of the pressure of a failing relationship and a life of chasing more money.
I’m interested in hearing people’s opinions but to judge that I’m essentially old and ugly because I have self respect and am not dating a high earning man is laughable.

@SilverySurfer thank you for that I’ll give that a read!!

@hazell42
I get why you would think that. Reading back it does sound judgy, I don’t mean to come across that way. Perhaps the thread can be seen as judgy against people who settle, it’s not. I think happiness is key in life and however different people achieve that is totally up to them. Perhaps that’s why I felt she appeared defensive, she may have felt I was being critical? Hmm. Thanks for the perspective.
I don’t want to say it’s right or wrong for people to do that, I guess I just wanted to know if that’s more common than holding out for something more.

A 26 year old, low earning single mother isn’t a sought after commodity though. Most men your age can find someone without children, as taking on someone else’s kid isn’t attractive to them. Your options are probably limited to older men and single dads - then you would have to whittle down the men in those groups to find someone who is right for you.

I think you are being judgemental by looking down on people who you consider to have settled, when your own options are actually very limited.

This is the first time in my adult life I have been single, that's 30 yrs of always having a boyfriend, either dating or cohabiting.

I split (more like conscious uncoupling 😂) with my bf of 3 yes just a month ago. Tbh we were just good friends, and hopefully we'll be able to be friends once we are both adjusted to the situation!

But in summary, I live on my own with my cats. In just this short time I am enjoying for the first time the freedom and potential of my life without having to also factor in (in some way or other) anyone else.

I agree with OP - know I know what this feels like, it would be a way more serious assessment of what the relationship would add to/benefit my life in terms of spiritual enrichment, togetherness etc This new life would be a lot to give up, I'm not even looking for a partner !

It depends what you mean by settle, there are some things I simply wouldn’t compromise on, kindness, monogamy, honesty, not an ist/ism etc. But lots of other things I would happily compromise on.

My partner isn’t perfect, but I like his quirky/unusual bits (most of the time!). I’m far from perfect. We actively want to be together, for us it isn’t a case of “he’ll do as I probably won’t find anyone else”.

@BettyBooBooBoo my options are more limited than the average girl my age, that I can understand. And although I’m not a sought after commodity, I still want to wait to find a person that makes me happy and brings the best out in me. I’m also ok to be alone. This is what the whole thread is about, I’m not assuming I have a pool of people wanting to date me, I certainly don’t! I am saying that because I’m ok with myself, I suppose I feel like naturally I would want someone who would benefit my life because I’m not feeling pressure that some people have admitted to feeling on this thread.