To think people just ‘settle’

[Bluesky209]

I have been single for two years and it’s been hard at times with my daughter, but I feel like over this period of time I have really got to know myself extremely well. I have battled suicidal post natal depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation and all the rest that comes with being a mum alone. I really do feel like I’ve developed a deep respect for myself for overcoming these things and I have learnt so much about what I need and want from life.
Following a conversation with a friend yesterday, I was saying I’m not sure I want to date anyone unless they benefit my life hugely, challenge and teach me as a person etc. In my mind a committed relationship is a huge and serious thing and something I wouldn’t enter in to now without meeting someone who really is on my wavelength, otherwise what’s the point?
My friend seems to think this signals commitment issues, but I disagree.
I see so many people who have many issues with their partners but just ignore them and carry on, all the while there could be someone much better suited to them. I love my friend, but I found it hard to respect this opinion of hers because there are many many conflicts in her marriage, and not small ones either. I couldn’t help but feel that my quest for happiness ignited an insecurity in her - the fact that she knows she’s just settled?
It seems to me as though a lot of people do this, or I could be overly picky?

I think there’s a balance to be struck.
Absolutely have high standards and seek out a decent partner, but that can tip into unrealistic standards, or unconscious barriers to commitment.

I think it’s good to be open about partners potential. I thought I wanted to be with someone who had an equal level of education, and would challenge me intellectually. But Dh, isn’t intimidated by my brain and respects me, which isn’t the same thing but made me realise that I’d been avoiding people with different life experience because of experiences of being with people who found my intellect a problem.

I also think that “settling” is a factor in building a strong marriage. I have lines that I won’t cross, obviously. But I’m not perfect and neither is he. One of my close friends told me I was settling but honestly I think I just swopped out my silly list for a better one : Respect, kindness, decency, sense of responsibility, loyalty, good communication. I think what you’re looking for is sensible. And you’re probably right that it may be challenging for your friend to hear in her circumstances.

Also some people want a partner, and some are happily single and ime it’s hard for one to understand the perspective of the other.

I could have written your post myself, OP. I love the single life and it's going to have to be somebody amazing to top all the benefits of it.
I think there's always some level of settling, though, also known as acceptance and compromise. Some people stay in misery because comfort zones don't have to be comfortable, only familiar. Other people have amazingly happy relationships, but there's no perfect, so even they must be settling with some things.
I guess it depends on how much people are settling for, and whether it crosses their boundaries. Everybody's different, innit. And some people are settled with misery!

I married my best friend (not in a twee way we were genuine best friends from age 11), but we didn't get together properly until we were 25, or meant I knew that the way he makes me feel, just being in his company isn't usual or easy to find and that despite our protestations as teens everyone else could see what we weren't ready to at that age, so I've definitely not settled. I'm also the only one in a group of 7 female friends who is married and we're all 32-35, only two of three others are even in long term relationships, so I don't think it's common in my social circle to settle. Maybe it's because we're all educationally, financially and socially independent and none of us would've wanted children young, so it meant we all knew we had plenty of time to look.

I'm not sure I'd wrap dysfunctional and toxic relationships up with "settling" in a healthy relationship.

A relationship with a "partner" without respect for you and/or who doesn't pull his weight/treats you like his unpaid housekeeper is unhealthy.

I settled but I’m happy so does that mean I settled?

I looked at my partner and decided that he’ll do. We get on well and we both wanted a family so decided to marry and had dc.

I could have ended it and looked around some more, or I could have spent time single working on myself and indulging my passions, but to be honest how much time do we have when it comes to fertility and how many people do we meet that we get along well with?

He not perfect but neither am I but he does has a good ethics and morals when it comes to being a kind and caring husband and father. I obviously would not have chosen to settle for someone who was going to drag me down!

I'm with @Babdoc - will be 19 years this year since DH died. I still have his letters from when we were dating (he had a mobile but I didn't, so he wrote to me in between dates right up until we got married). After a few years there was significant pressure/encouragement to date, and I went on a few dates, but each time came home and heaved a huge sigh of relief I could stop pretending. Being someone you're not is exhausting. I made it very clear I was sticking as I was, and everyone discreetly backed off. If they are still hoping to be proved right they've had a long wait so far

I don't think relationships take "work" - I do think they take energy, conscious effort, mutual compromise... but in a great relationship you both do all that and more willingly, out of love. I feel incredibly lucky to have had that, terribly sad to have lost it, but strong enough to enjoy life without it.

I was a single parent with dd1 for 6 years. I was fine and happy most of the time. I found it difficult financially and every month was a struggle to pay the bills, but that wouldn't have been a reason to settle.

I started OLD when she was 7. I was picky about who I went on dates with, had spoken to several men on the site but hadn't felt a connection with any of them. The first one that made me laugh I went out with for a date. I married that one. I suppose I settled in a way, he's great in most ways but he doesn't go out much. I do the exciting, going out places, taking trips, by myself, with family or friends, and leave him behind. It's nice having someone to share the day to day stuff with, we share chores, we talk to each other about daily stuff, we share money so it's significantly easier financially, etc. And the biggest reason for me to "settle" was because I wanted more children. I wasn't in a position to have any more on my own, but in a partnership I could do it.

Different personalities prefer different set ups. I love being married. I would rather be single than in an unhappy marriage but at the same time I don't need some kind of perfect, god like man to make the marriage work. From my experience most people don't "settle". They find someone they like, get to know each other better, make sure they have similar goals then get married and prepare to put some work into the relationship, accept minor annoyances etc.

I think there are basically two types of marriage - number one is the true love match where the partners are basically well suited and they might moan about each other from time to time, but more good than bad. Then there's the other type, which is the settling one. Maybe one or both of the partners are getting older and want DC and feel under pressure to find someone, maybe they're the type of person who is always in a relationship, just goes from one person to the next without much of a break and they get to a certain age and just marry the one they're with, others have low self-esteem and so settle for someone who everyone else can see if wrong for them, but they don't have the confidence to dump Mr/Ms Wrong and find someone better. The marriages in category one tend to last. Category twos often flounder after 10 or so years of marriage and throwing DC into the mix, but sometimes they soldier on and on and on while everyone else scratches their heads and wonders why on earth they're still staying in what is to any outsider a shit marriage. I think we can all think of couples who fall into those categories.

I also agree with Babdoc. Married soul mate nearly 30 years ago and kissed a few frogs first and was setup to live life independently and happily.

If anything happened to DH I absolutely would not want anyone else.

I am in the camp however that believes marriage and dealjngwith life's challenges are hard enough when there are no cracks.

I think it also depends on what sort of relationship people want. You usually have to make more compromises if you live with someone for example or parent with them. And there's still a perception that the kinds of relationships that are 'life-long' are the ones to aim for. So marriage, mortgage, kids, retiring together, that sort of thing.

A lot of people can't even conceive of the idea of not having that or at least aiming for it. But in a lot of cases, it doesn't work out very well at all. I think a lot of 'settling' comes from tying yourself with someone else in terms of living together, childcare and finances and so on - just the practical ins and outs of a life together.

I think people do settle, of course they do as nothing in life is perfect. Do any of us have the perfect body, the perfect house, the perfect job? No, they don't exist, so how would the perfect partner exist?

However, if you don't want to settle, that doesn't mean you are "too picky" - too picky for what? Be as picky as you want, it's your life.

This is a bit of a false dichotomy here: It seems to me as though a lot of people do this [settling] , or I could be overly picky?

Why does it have to be either/or, and why couch it in such negative terms like "settling" and "being too picky". I would more describe it as - you've both made your choices.

You and your friend have both made your choices in life, there are pros and cons to both, if she is on balance happy in her relationship and you are on balance happy currently single, neither of you has "done it wrong".

You will just stay single forever if you are sat there with a tick list, Mr Perfect doesn’t actually exist everyone has some kind of flaw or annoying habit. The attitude of “there could be someone else so much better out there for me” is one of the reason people cheat, it isn’t a good attitude to have. You seem to be missing the point that your friend might actually shock horror love her husband, no marriage is “perfect” it’s not, every marriage will over its course have the odd bump in the road.

Maybe you just aren’t meeting the right kind of men, I don’t know anyone who regularly goes out drinking all night past the age of 25, single, married or otherwise.

Personally I think that the person you end up with should be your friend, your team mate, and someone you can have sex with (even if it’s not often for other reasons!) and someone who has similar goals in life.

If you don’t have those but you’re still there then it’s likely you’re settling.

In the world I live in, the settling always seems to be to the detriment of the woman. It's her life that is compromised. The men who settle (in a very different way), do OK. They still seem to have a reasonable life that their relationship doesn't negatively impact on.

It's sad when the state of the relationship then impacts on how the woman Parents. Which I see all of the time. I live in a disadvantaged area.

With you OP, I do NOT intend to settle and my situation sounds similar to yours in some ways.

The only way I’d enter a relationship now is if they bought something pretty special to the table.

@annie987 - perfectly put! My DH does things that drive me loopy, but I'd still much rather live with him than without him!

I think it's good to have standards. I totally agree with you. I see so many posts on here from women with useless/ horrible / disrespectful/ abusive partners and yet they don't want to leave him. I don't get that mentality at all. My husband is nothing like that and if he ever started to behave in those ways he wouldn't be my husband for long! Why stress yourself out over some loser who adds nothing to your life and makes you miserable most of the time? Have high standards. Have firm boundaries. Compromise but don't settle for less. I wish more women would take this on board!

Also (not saying this is you OP) but it's really easy to decide you won't settle if you've had all the children you want. If you haven't (especially if you haven't had any), and are getting older, it's a lot harder to decide to hold out for that perfect soul mate connection.

Yes, I agree....many people I see have settled. I now know I wouldn't.
When I married many years ago we seemed to be perfect for each other but through the years and family, we changed and grew up....in different directions. Eventually we went on our way. I had a couple of relationships but I 'grew' a great deal being on my own and began to realise that I was much more balanced and wiser after my divorce, through having to sort out life myself.

Perhaps if I'd had that wisdom before marrying I would have made a better choice, but I didn't.

Now I'm not prepared to settle. I realise there are no perfect people but I also have many criteria I'm no longer prepared to compromise on...why should I settle for 2nd best?

But even more importantly, I'm perfectly happy on my own, and love life generally, especially the choice to live my life my way. Not many partners would put up with that, and I don't want to compromise.
I think the real answer comes in some of the previous posts, where people say they would "prefer to live with a partner". Because of this, they settle for something less than ideal, because the need (or desire) to live with a partner leads them to settle, which may well be a conscious choice.
I'm not prepared to do that, but I think I am in the minority in preferring to stay single as a result.

I think often from the outside it can look like settling when actually it's different - my dh is imperfect in many ways (as am I!) and we often miscommunicate, but I love him and couldn't live without him.

I was looking for x y z perfect thing but then he came along as a friend and things just all clicked into place. It felt like a deep certainty that here was the rest of my life. Weird, and a bit inconvenient really as he's a pain in the ass!

And no OP you're not being 'too picky'. It's good to have standards and I don't understand why anyone would settle for someone dick who goes out drinking all night with his mates when you have a baby or who does nothing to help out, but is prepared to get married and have another baby (that they'd do fuck all to raise). People have low self-esteem though and have never been taught or learned themselves to demand better. Having good self-esteem is a wonderful thing. Keep your standards high.

I'd probably count myself in the settling camp.
But I wouldn't do it again - I was on my own for many years and would much prefer to be on my own again if anything happened with DH. Not that I don't love him, and my kids - but I have learnt that I really value my own time and space and wouldn't be prepared to put in the time for another bloke.

I settled and only finally left recently. I left because though we were well suited on some levels, there was a fundamental lack of respect for me and the children that showed only now and then.

I miss being married. I liked having highly familiar company. I left eventually because of the erosion of self-respect and the damage to the children. But I suspect I could have been very happy “settling” with someone I wasn’t madly head-over-heels in love with because I liked having someone there.

This whole thread OP has been a positive eye opener and reaffirmation that I’m okay with being single. Having now been single for 5 years there’s been occasions where I’ve missed a companion or someone to go out to dinner with or even someone to do the lawn mowing (I have a really long uphill garden!) but all of that doesn’t ever lend weight to the idea that my happiness should be attached to a man, I’m happy to wait.