To think people just ‘settle’

[Bluesky209]

I have been single for two years and it’s been hard at times with my daughter, but I feel like over this period of time I have really got to know myself extremely well. I have battled suicidal post natal depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation and all the rest that comes with being a mum alone. I really do feel like I’ve developed a deep respect for myself for overcoming these things and I have learnt so much about what I need and want from life.
Following a conversation with a friend yesterday, I was saying I’m not sure I want to date anyone unless they benefit my life hugely, challenge and teach me as a person etc. In my mind a committed relationship is a huge and serious thing and something I wouldn’t enter in to now without meeting someone who really is on my wavelength, otherwise what’s the point?
My friend seems to think this signals commitment issues, but I disagree.
I see so many people who have many issues with their partners but just ignore them and carry on, all the while there could be someone much better suited to them. I love my friend, but I found it hard to respect this opinion of hers because there are many many conflicts in her marriage, and not small ones either. I couldn’t help but feel that my quest for happiness ignited an insecurity in her - the fact that she knows she’s just settled?
It seems to me as though a lot of people do this, or I could be overly picky?

I can absolutely see why people settle especially if they are wanting children etc that’s a huge thing as we all have a biological clock ticking away.

Regarding the comments about looking for Mr perfect, I have stated that I agree the perfect person doesn’t exist, so these comments are somewhat unhelpful as I already know that.

My friend isn’t happy, I know she’s not. She’s been tempted by other people in the past (got very close with a guy in work but didn’t physically cheat), it was crossing a line enough for her to tell me about it and hide it from her husband. I’m not judging her in any way, I just feel that she could be happier because I know her very well and she’s told me certain things. She’s very critical of a lot of people recently and their personal choices and I can’t help but feel it’s a defence mechanism.

To the people saying it’s going to take someone special to change their relationship status, I agree. This is essentially my attitude now. If that is seen as asking too much then that’s also ok because I’m happy being single.

Like I said I don’t want a man carved from the heavens above who I’m intensely attracted to, an amazing chef, and all those things that would be lovely in a dreamworld. I just want someone who I genuinely connect with mentally and who brings out the best in me (apart from the few occasions where you disagree). In my view (and I know other people have commented this) it shouldn’t be hard work. Disagreements or different points of view wouldn’t seem like confrontations if there’s enough respect there to understand why your partner thinks a certain way, and you may even learn a thing or two from that.

And I also do agree with the people who say it’s my life and my choice, as it’s other people’s choice to settle or compromise more than others. I just find this a really interesting topic and it is insightful to hear your opinions. It’s thought provoking and people have definitely said some things that I hadn’t considered before.

I think in some circumstances some people are settling.
Others might appear to be but they accept the grass isn't always greener and are just happy to live with their lot.
You should have standards of course and whoever you're with should bring advantages to your life. But life isn't a fairytale and there will be many imperfections whoever you're with. Working through these things is what a long term relationship is about, it's not necessarily settling.
No ones going to constantly enrich your life, there will be low times, disagreements and bumps in the road.
I don't believe in soul mates, but I do believe you know in your heart when someone is right for you.

Once you have met your soulmate, nothing else ever comes close to that. Previous relationships are nothing in comparison, and you will always be 'settling' afterwards if anything were to happen to them. If anything happened to my DH, I'd not bother again. What would be the point?

@StormBaby it’s so nice to hear this. I want to believe there is something like that for everyone and I’m glad you feel that way about your partner!!

I think you're right. This is how I felt before I met DH and if I hadn't met him when I did, I may have chosen to remain single. He ticks all my boxes. I have been in long term committed relationships before but I never wanted to marry or have children until I met him.

I have a fairly prosaic view tbh.
Me and dh met as late teens, married early 20s still together 30 years later. We were lucky as we grew up together and the tougher bits made us closer. But we have similar views of things.
I think we are both of the view that if we hadn't met each other we would probably have met other similar people and been happy.
I think it must be harder to the search for the right person as your own views are more set with age.

In my view (and I know other people have commented this) it shouldn’t be hard work. Disagreements or different points of view wouldn’t seem like confrontations if there’s enough respect there to understand why your partner thinks a certain way, and you may even learn a thing or two from that.

100% agree with you. I think you've got a great mindset and appropriately high standards!

This is an interesting topic OP. I think we still have so many people who really are willing to settle and settle hard!

It's worth looking at the other end of the spectrum at those whose marriage is like that of PPs. Partner is best friend, over 90% of time it's wonderful/good the rest is just living with other humans- messy, forgetful, bit annoying or stroppy when team lose!?

We should also face facts that not everyone has a soul mate and many people are not actually good people but yet find partners and reproduce etc. We are in a society that favours pleasing others yet we are very lonely and that loneliness extends to those in relationships.

If your friends moan constantly about their partners who are awful yet they want more kids/commitment, either listen and offer solicited advice or ignore it all completely as these type of couples will always exist!

I am presently single (also no kids) and enjoying it. If I met the right person I would consider a relationship but right now it would have to be someone that ticked many boxes as I wouldn't want to compromise, and it would not be fair on someone else to be half-hearted.

I miss some of the aspects of being in a relationship but I have focused on my social life and have great friends and acquaintences and I see different folk about 3-4 times a week. I am exploring a friends with benefits setup with someone at the moment and I think that will work well for me too.

I think I've acknowledged how hard it is to get all those boxes ticked in just one person - but several people tick specific boxes for me and so I feel I can enjoy the best of all worlds (crucially as long as that concurs with what they have in mind and works for them)

However when in a commited relationship I will try to give my utmost, understanding that people and relationships aren't perfect and take good communication and a bit of work at times.

I don't believe in soul mates either but I think I mean I don't think I'll ever have a soulmate because as a person I'm just too dissatisfied generally. It's an awkward realisation but there you are.

I love my DH and the relationship is good but we are constantly shifting and negotiating the way we do things together; it is never naturally easy for long periods of time because both of us are massive over thinkers. But I don't think I could ever have a relationship that wasn't a bit like that, because that's how I am! Additionally my parents' relationship was crap so I feel like I'm learning how to do it as I go along.

It doesn't feel as simple as 'settling' but maybe that's the overthinker in me coming out again

OP I think people have relationships for all kinds of reasons and I have no judgement

I really enjoy being single and will be single for life. It's grand. You might be the same. Enjoy!

So many people ignore their incompatibilities and flaws to begin with so they don't maybe feel like they're settling. But then the marriage is so dull and unfulfilling that they settle by staying in it even if they weren't consciously settling to begin with.

I am single (ie, not married, not living with anybody) but I was told i didn't love my bf by a married woman a short while ago. she made this judgement because I said if it ended I would be fine. And I will be. And that is more important to me than any relationship. But it makes me think, so many married people just stay out of habit. (Not even the woman who said that to me necessarily) but that's what most marriages are in my opinion. Habit. It has to be really bad and to have been really bad for a long while before it's dissolved.

When you talked about settling with someone who annoys you sometimes but most of the time makes you happy I seriously didn't think you were talking about fully disfunctional adult as in you later post with coming home at 6am.
Massive difference

I’d rather be single than be in a shit relationship

I left my husband and was single for about 4 years. I wasn’t looking at all in that period.

Once I started looking I refused to settle. I’m now married to an amazing man who makes my life immeasurably better.

Don’t settle.

There's a difference between compromising and settling. Everyone needs to be able to compromise...or they will struggle in relationships. Not compromising is about wanting things your own way all the time not meeting in the middle...quite different from settling.

Nobody is perfect, but many settle with partners who have serious flaws and they know it.

Sometimes the biological clock plays a huge part in this...thinking time is against you.

Other times it can be a lack of confidence and low self esteem...thinking you don't deserve or can't do better.

I nearly ended it all due to my last "relationship" he destroyed me, and then left me with no friends and two small boys with health issues to look after, sod us all....

If anything close to that happened to me again, that would be it for me. Game over.

All I want to do is get fully immersed in a career and make some new friends.

I think to some extent it depends on your age. I am guessing you are a bit older and are 'made' as a person and looking for the same in someone else. I got together with my DH fairly young, so we sort of grew up and made our personalities together, if that makes sense. If I lost him (god forbid) it would be so hard with someone else because we have developed all the daily quirks of how we live our lives around each other and I guess I would have to compromise bits of that to fit in with someone else.

But I would have another relationship for the sex and companionship, mind you

I am extremely lucky, I didn’t settle but I never ever put a relationship and children as number one on my list of priorities. It was all about my career and enjoying doing hobbies. I am quite a selfish person so it took someone phenomenal to make me want to settle down. DH ticked all boxes and to be honest I just found it rather perturbing at first.

We are in our fifties now and together almost 23 years and if something dreadful happened I wouldn’t date again because finding a man I could even tolerate is unlikely. I enjoy the company of men as friends as well as women.

Congratulations on all the hard work you have done to work through your stuff. It’s fair to want to hold out for someone amazing rather than just “ok”. BUT my only advice is don’t be close minded with dating people. First impressions are often skin deep and you need to give people a chance to get to know you before you can start to explore if they are this amazing partner you are looking for. I casually dated lots of guys, plenty of coffees, drinks and many duds, But it’s how I found my amazing guy. I had no expectations, no pressure, just met a nice guy for a drink and it turned out he was everything I’ve ever wanted and more. (Plus a good helping of normal relationship challenges like everyone else). Good luck

it is harder and more painful to end it than to continue

Gosh, what an interesting and moving thread. I find myself, sadly, agreeing with the above poster.

I think alot of people do settle. Some of my very lovely friends have dull but reliable husbands. My husband is a bit more up and down, hard work and though he does my head in I think if I had gone for someone more reliable / steady Eddy I would be bored to death of them by now.
I think its more than ok to be picky. Better more picky than less picky. You may need to compromise at some stage but that's your choice to make.
I was divorced with no kids and wanted children so I knew I couldnt wait for ever. Like I say he's not dull but he does do my head in...

Yes people do settle especially if they want children and feel they are running out of time.

I think I'm with you OP. I've said it about 6 million times on here but I refuse to settle. I've got my DD (don't want anymore children I think), got my own money, a lovely home and have a large solid family for support. If I did bring another man into my life, hes got to bring something different to my life for me to keep him around iyswis. And I'm not putting up with any bullshit either, first whiff and he can kick rocks.

I agree. I've been single for years, with a few dates here and there, I'm not settling.

OP, I feel the same as you, I have been single for 5 years, have dated a few people but none have been amazing enough for me to want to be in a full blown relationship with.
When I look at friends who are married or in relationships I often wonder why? They never seem that happy, often moan about their partners, moan about having to ask before spending money or going out somewhere, moan about what they are going to eat, where they are going to eat etc...etc..., it all seems such hard work to me when I can be single and do what I like without having to consider another person.

I would like to find “the one” but I would rather be on my own than settle with someone who isn’t the right person.