To think people just ‘settle’

[Bluesky209]

I have been single for two years and it’s been hard at times with my daughter, but I feel like over this period of time I have really got to know myself extremely well. I have battled suicidal post natal depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation and all the rest that comes with being a mum alone. I really do feel like I’ve developed a deep respect for myself for overcoming these things and I have learnt so much about what I need and want from life.
Following a conversation with a friend yesterday, I was saying I’m not sure I want to date anyone unless they benefit my life hugely, challenge and teach me as a person etc. In my mind a committed relationship is a huge and serious thing and something I wouldn’t enter in to now without meeting someone who really is on my wavelength, otherwise what’s the point?
My friend seems to think this signals commitment issues, but I disagree.
I see so many people who have many issues with their partners but just ignore them and carry on, all the while there could be someone much better suited to them. I love my friend, but I found it hard to respect this opinion of hers because there are many many conflicts in her marriage, and not small ones either. I couldn’t help but feel that my quest for happiness ignited an insecurity in her - the fact that she knows she’s just settled?
It seems to me as though a lot of people do this, or I could be overly picky?

more like conscious uncoupling

I think there’s a lot to be said for that mindset. I don’t understand why it’s received such derision to be honest!

I totally agree with you too. Stick to what feels right for you and definitely do not settle, it will only come back to bite you years down the line. I'm glad you are feeling so strong and content with life. I think your friend is just saying that because she knows in her heart she's not truly happy. Sad really.

Surely it depends what you mean by settling. I wanted someone who was kind, reliable, I liked and got on well with, found attractive basically someone who made my life better and easier. I don't need him to be a super hero. I love him, he loves me and we have nothing worse than occasional niggles. Is that settling? I guess I could have waited around for some amazing man but I'm much happier in my marriage than I would be single.

@MintjuliaI
I've got to the point I am happy, my ds is happy, I am solvent & stable, I own my own home (me & the bank), and it will take someone very special to tempt me into another relationship.
I won’t tolerate bullying, belittling or finance abuse any more.
If a kind decent honest man turns up at my door, then great, but if not, I really don’t mind. I do realise I shall probably be single for the next 50 years but honestly, that is preferable.I think you’re right. People stay in relationships because it’s easier than leaving.

I feel exactly the same - all my friends want me to online date but I just can't be bother to sieve through them all x

What absolute gibberish that OP isn't a high status commodity - I think some people on here just enjoy getting a reaction.

I'm a single mum over 40 and in the last 3 years have had several nice men in their 20s (yikes, looks bad written down!) very into me. In real life people are far more than their demographic.

I haven't dated for 18 months though and I'm in the awkward position of really wanting a relationship but having high standards (I mean kindness, respect, potential to be a good stepdad, not being a cocklodger etc - nothing about money or using them in any other way).

I won't just sleep around with any old man but I really miss sex and the companionship of a good relationship.

Just to add - no judgement there at all about "sleeping around with any old guy"!!

But my attitude has shifted, like in the song "When I was young making love was just for fun, those days are gone". It's so much more meaningful for me now.

I'm not looking for Mr Perfect but all I ever meet is Mr alcoholic who thinks he is God's gift, Mr Lazy, Mr Coercive. The list goes on.
I haven't met anyone even vaguely normal and I've given up hope.

I understand where you’re coming from. I have known an awful lot of divorced women who bailed because they were fed up and wanted something better. I don’t know one person who has met anyone else since who has turned into a long term partner. All these women have ended up alone whilst their ex has moved onto another marriage or serious relationship. It’s a risk and depends on whether you would be happy alone. Sounds like you would be fine.
I think some things are deal breakers. Abuse, lack of respect, infidelity. Addictions, telling lies, etc. Other things are dependent on the couple and what they can tolerate.

Something people struggle to understand is that WHATEVER our choice, we 'settle'. OP, you have settled. You have settled for a life devoid of a certain type of companionship, maybe regular intimacy, a shared workload etc. But you seem very happy with your choices. Others who are in relationships may have these things but settle for other annoyances or grievances. There is no point at which people don't settle. It is what you settle for and how much you feel you have sacrificed/gained that determines whether your choices are good ones for you

Dayum this is so wise! Really agree with this.

I think it’s a bit presumptuous for some people in this thread to proclaim “all my friends have settled with dull reliable men”. How do you know they’ve settled? Maybe they prefer reliable men to flighty wankers who run hot and cold every 5 minutes. Just because it would be settling to you, doesnt mean it’s settling to them- everyone is different!

Also I’m getting a whiff of superiority here as in: “my friends have all settled but obviously I’m wiser than that”. Maybe your friends secretly think you’ve settled for a life without companionships?

We all settle in reality. I’m quite sure none of us have our dream job and our dream house and our dream ideal body and our dream ideal car either. Of course it’s important to find someone you connect with both mentally and physically, but there are going to be times when your “perfect man” irritates the heck out of you because that is completely normal at times. I do know of a few men who can never make a relationship last because once the initial honeymoon phase has worn off they constantly feel like “what if” there is someone “better” out there? What if there’s someone prettier or funnier or richer or better at cooking etc These guys remain perpetually single with a string of identical broken relationships behind them in their quest for the perfect woman. Just make sure you don’t go down that road in an effort not to “settle”.

DH used to say I was his soul mate, and I used to tell him that was a load of rubbish. But my heart lifted when he was near, when he entered the house etc. I felt lighter and happier with him around

^^This. Sometimes I do avoid my DH if I'm in a bad mood or I think he's going to nag about something , but generally when I think about him, all these positive qualities come to mind. The small stuff doesn't really matter. If I'm single in the future, I'll enjoy other peoples' company, but I wouldn't bother with a serious relationship again unless I felt the same way about someone. I genuinely can't be bothered to put in the effort!

So sorry for your loss, Chasingsquirrels.

Yes, I do think a lot of people settle, especially women with few options (low educational attainment, illness, children, lack of work experience, cant drive, anxiety) etc.. but there’s also the fact that life is bloody expensive and the only way a lot of us can afford to live is with another person.

Settling can be for all sorts of reasons.

I love DH but he doesn't set my heart aflame or send me weak at the knees or anything.
I did have a crush who did that, but nothing came of it - we were friends but he was a cheater and very selfish, so I didn't miss out on much.
The strongest physical/chemical attraction I had to a boyfriend, he was a pathological arsehole who was emotionally abusive and a gaslighter. He was also a cheat and good riddance to him

I learnt that I couldn't trust my gut reactions to men - and so when a bloke came along who I found reasonably attractive and who was into me, I went along with it. Nothing "zingy" about our relationship but we're still together 17 years later, so something works. We like the same sort of things and we have 2 great kids - but he does get on my nerves a lot and I'm sure I get on his. I don't know whether or not he thinks he "settled" but I know I did.

Yes, people definitely settle and take on ‘the norm’, rather than be thought of as odd/on the shelf.
Personally, I would say I’m a bit of both. I’m not overly ambitious in my partners as such and will take common interests, reasonable sex and kindness as ‘enough’. However, I will also go long periods of time being single as I don’t date every man who crosses my path if I’m not attracted/find him boring. But a lot of my friends do, some have married men they dated as a rebound, rushed into living together and now live in very unhappy marriages with DC.

Somebody I know never had a boyfriend- lots of ‘dates’ but would never settle, she always wanted more (at the time my friendship group couldn’t figure out what precisely she wanted), even men who most would consider a ‘catch’ she would find a way to sabotage after about two dates (sounding like my grandmother!). Anyway, she was the only person in the group to have never had a boyfriend by mid 20’s. But then she met a seriously seriously wealthy (I’m taking super rich) guy from the Middle East, 40 years older than her, who was obsessed with her from first sight. She was pregnant with a few months, quickly married and now she lives in the Gulf with the baby and husband. I think she’s compromised a lot of personal freedoms to be ingrained in her husband’s culture but lives a life most of us can only imagine/read about and he does seem besotted with her and the baby.

So I’m sure she is happy she never ‘settled’ and gritted her teeth through the ‘why have you never had a boyfriend?’ Comments of our early to mid twenties!
Depends what you consider settling too, one person’s ‘settling’ could be another person’s bliss and perfect relationship after previous abusive wankers!