WWYD - DH putting idea of holiday above family

[Bambam60]

I've just had a massive argument with DH becuase he's desperate to go on an exotic holiday next year (just me and him) and I'm not sure I want to leave our DS. When he wants to go, our DS will be 2 and a half. I have no experience with kids as DS is my first, but I feel at that age he will understand we've gone and be really upset by it! Or not, but the point is he could be and I don't want to take that risk. I'd also miss him terribly so I just don't think I'd enjoy it.

My parents would happily look after him, but I also don't want to put that burden on them. I can imagine looking after a toddler for close to 2 weeks is not easy?!

To put things into a bit of perspective, my DH absolutely loves to travel and any chance he gets he's researching destinations for us to go to. It's how we lived pre-baby and he just can't seem to adapt to not living life that way now.

Anyway, I feel really upset by what DH has said and I just want to see how others would react to this. When I said I didn't think this would be a good idea and suggested other lovely holidays we could go on where we could take DS, he said no he doesn't want to have to wait to go on this holiday. Then he said "fine I'll just go on my own then". So I said "you mean you would rather go away on your own for 2 weeks to the destination you want then go on holiday with your family to somewhere else". I asked him this 3 times because I was so shocked that yes he absolutely would?!!

And then, to top it off, he said if he can't go away then I can't have a second child. Was not joking!!

It's just so manipulative and selfish. I feel like my feelings do not matter here at all and he basically tries to pressure me into things that make him happy but are in complete conflict with how I want to raise our son :(

My ExH basically strong-armed me into a holiday where we drove 1400 miles around France, Belgium, Germany, Luxembourg and the Netherlands in a week when DS1 was 2.5 and DS2 was 7 months old. Expected me to manage the kids in the car for 4-6 hours a day on top of managing a formula fed baby and lively toddler in jotel rooms etc. I nearly had a nervous breakdown by the end of the week, exacerbated when he caused us to miss the Rotterdam to Hull ferry because he didn't bother his arse reading the multiple notifications from P&O stating that he had to be there 90+ minutes before departure.

Kids are 2 and nearly 4 now. I'm taking them to Majorca for 5 nights in early May and having a significantly more relaxing and child friendly break with them!

This has nothing to do with travelling and everything to do with his attitude.

If he wanted to do a nice holiday somewhere for you two as adults but then also wanted to travel including him. Fine.

If it was a discussion with you about what was happening, where you might go, how you felt, and why trips you thought would have enough content to excite your child as well as you. Fine.

If he wanted to include his child at any point. Fine.

Seeing his child as a hindrance and trying to threaten you with no other children if he doesn't get his own way. This is is very problematic.

Now I wasn't there so it may be it was all heated and he behaved badly in anger. If it were me in your shoes. If say to him clearly, in the light of say when calm, exactly what the situation is he's presenting and ask if he really thinks that's an inclusive family life and fait marriage.

Depending on his answer I'd have thinking to do

I do find it odd that he can't postpone a trip for a couple of years whilst your child is young nor have the imagination to plan something you'd all enjoy. Or get excited about going somewhere together.

What is he like as a parent and husband for the rest of the year? How much holiday entitlement does he have? Will a big trip wipeout opportunities to go away as a family too?

And 2.5 year old are busy little bees - how fit and active are your parents?

He'll have trouble 'doing what he wants to do' when he's sole care of a young DC 24/7 half the week. Which is what he'll get if your relationship fails because of his attitude. Throw that back at him.

Its often when men become Fathers that they really show their true colours.

Unfortunately he has shown himself to be selfish, childish and manipulative. Quite greedy too.

You're not unreasonable. He doesn't want to grow or adapt his new life.

You'll have to think very hard about how to proceed with this relationship. Not what I look for in a husband or father. (Though i see one or 2 here do and that is for them to choose of course)

Maybe it’s the mixed signals. You’re happy to leave your child this year but not next year. Surely if you believe holidays are for family you wouldn’t be doing this year either.

I’d not leave mine for a holiday and ensured we were on the same page parenting wise before we had them.

We go away regularly without DS and have done since he was 6 months. But we do long weekends not 2 weeks. I wouldn't ask anyone to look after DS for that long and neither of us would want to be away from him.

Yanbu, becoming a parent involves sacrifices and you simply can't always do what you want to do, sounds like he wants to behave like he hasn't got a DC and is finding the adjustment to parenthood difficult . There's no way I would leave DC for two weeks or want to . I think you have to stand your ground. At that age your DC may not fully understand where you are and when you will come back. The other holidays you suggested sound fab.

Sorry to be a bit dramatic op but need to ask. Do you have access to your own money? Could you leave tomorrow if you needed to? If not get yourself in a position to be able to. He sounds controlling and also sounds like a prime candidate for an affair (ow doesn't have kids and we can go where we want together and I'll be a Disney dad).

No normal person would want to holiday alone if they have a parter and child.

Send him on a permanent trip without his family.

He'll have trouble 'doing what he wants to do' when he's sole care of a young DC 24/7 half the week. Which is what he'll get if your relationship fails because of his attitude. Throw that back at him.

Why do people repeatedly say this ? If he dips in and out of parenting at the moment , how likely is it that he will step up if they separate? You cannot force someone to parent !!

Bold fail !

He is a twat and needs a kick up the arse the selfish wanker.

Travel is very important to me, but I would never dream of leaving the dc for 2 weeks, and they are much older than yours! I'm surprised he doesn't want to show his ds the world.

There are so.many things to see and do, there's really no reason not to order them so you do the more child friendly ones now and less child friendly ones in a few years.

We went to Costa Rica last year, and managed to do some fantastic treks and see some wonderful animals with the dc alongside.

I'd be very unhappy about him not listening to your perspective, or him trying to use your second baby ad leverage to get what he wants. Has he bonded properly with the dc you have? I'm not sure how you move forwards really.

When our son was that age we both worked full time and our holidays were a chance for us as a family to reconnect and have some proper quality time together, having fun without the constraints of every day responsibilities and we loved that.
Now our son is older and we are back to our holidays as a couple, and our options are wider. they're not small forever, and the world will still be out there in another 15 years.
From your first and subsequent posts it comes across as your husband hasn't really adapted to parenthood and family life in general. He thinks he's still a single guy who can come and go as he pleases and that would be the main concern for me.

Good point Stompy if you love travel and love your kids why would you not want to share that experience with them?

A 2 week holiday without your very small dc is quite a big leap. Go somewhere for 4 days and enjoy yourself and then your dh can do some solo traveling as well (and so can you another time).

Dh and have left our eldest at 2 for a night or a weekend away. It was absolutely fine. But 2 weeks would be difficult as they are still too little to understand and it’s a huge burden to place on family, especially if they are older. But dh and I both go off and have solo holidays each year and the other stays home with dc. It’s wonderful. It’s not long haul (I go to Europe, dh usually walking/camping in the UK), and it’s usually for not more than 4 days, but it’s great.

We travel a lot. While me and dh are thinking of destinations to do after the kids leave home because of the expense there is something truely special about travelling with your children. You experience things you never would of without them.

I think you miss out if you leave them at home and the more you travel with them the better they are! And the tighter family unit you are!

Can a compromise not be made to turn it into a weeks holiday rather than two weeks?

I may be being dim (highly likely), but I don’t understand why a toddler can’t go on the polar bear holiday. A colleague is doing that and whale watching at the moment with a toddler younger than yours.

Oh dear, certainly something you should have discussed before having kids. Clearly you are in a totally different mode, he is happy to have a child but still want to enjoy life as a couple on the rare occasion where you are not defined by being parents. You clearly see yourself as mum now and every decision has to be as parents.

I personally think it is a real pity that two many parents can't step away from being and give quality time to their relationship as partner and lovers rather than just parents.

Kids at 2 1/2 cope very well with being left alone, and as a matter of fact, often benefit from spending time with other members of their family.

Saying all this, if you are going to be anxious about leaving him, it is not going to work, so you should be looking at compromises just as agreeing on a week away the two of you. You can go to places that are still quite 'exotic' within 3 or 4 hours flight. You can then agree to do a longer one if it goes well with your parents and your DS the following year. You can then agree to TTC for number 2.

DH and I travelled extensively pre DS and often off the beaten track, we're going to Lanzarote this year. Is it my dream destination? No, nor DH but we've found a wonderful villa very much catered to making holidaying with a toddler easy, with a private gated pool and close to the beach. We have a list of places we'd still love to see, but actually keep delaying them so DS will be able to properly enjoy them, because we're excited about being able to share those experiences with him. Having a child doesn't mean going to Disney or Butlins (you won't get me there in a lifetime) but he has to accept you're a family now not just two adults. The fact he's already having two child free holidays this year makes him even more selfish.

@Dontdisturbmenow did you miss that they're already having two child free holidays this year?

@dontdisturbmenow You've entirely missed the point of the post. As I've said already, we're going on a couple holiday alone this year and in not at all against going on another one. I'm just not sure going next year is the right time. My issue, as I've said, is him not listening to my points and not trying to compromise. Just automatically going on the defensive and being incredibly immature and selfish. We're always giving time to our relationship, it's going time to us as a family unit that's lacking!

DS is too young to understand and I agree with you, this sort of holiday is for couples pre kids. You won't enjoy it anyway, so what's the point.

I think before you speak again about the holiday it might be a good idea to have a conversation about the way he spoke to you. It will be difficult if he's always use to behaving like that in times of conflict so be prepared to stay calm, talk less than him and keep pulling him back with "it's not about the holiday I need to have a conversation about how you shut me down by saying x, which made me feel like." "Ok, I can see you're getting frustrated let's get a cuppa and try again. I'd like you to understand how I felt as I know you wouldn't intentionally want to make me feel this bad"